No Turning Back
Hi readers! (If I have any) This is my first fanfic story. So I apologize in advance for any mistakes. This is set to be during/after the famous Hurt Locket scene. I've changed things up a bit. So it's not completely following Glee's story line past that point. But hope you enjoy. Feel free to follow my tumblr or twitter if you have questions or anything else :) SophiaLavigne or .com
Chapter 1 Worth The Risk
Soundtrack: Tristan Prettyman-All I Want Is You
I have to do it. This is it. There's no doubt in my mind, I want this to happen. All I want is her. I am in love with Brittany S. Pierce. It may have taken forever to accept that but Holly Holiday showed me that when she said, "It's not about who you're attracted to ultimately, it's about who you fall in love with."
Although it hurts, lately I've actually been paying attention to Brittany & Artie's relationship. And it seems like she might actually like him... Their relationship was only began to make me jealous in the first place. Ugh I should have just sang the duet with Brittany. Then all of this could have been avoided.
Pondering how everything would have been different if I'd have just said yes I began to feel light headed, I need to sit down. I need to stop pacing my room like a crazy person. I need to calm down and concentrate on one thing, my one thing, Brittany.
I've never thought I would fall for my best friend of 8 years. Shit, I never even thought I would be gay. Wait, i take that back i have thought about that but it was easy to deny...until Brittany came along. Although I should have seen the signs. I was always wanting to hang pictures up of female models on my wall. I would have gone through with it if it wasn't for Quinn.
(FLASHBACK)
(5 years ago. Santana's bedroom)
"Oh, how about her? She's really pretty." ,Santana said while raising her eyebrow at the fashionable female model in the magazine.
"Yea, I guess. But can I ask you something Santana?" ,Quinn replied. Santana looked at Quinn and saw a bit of nerves in her expression. "Um yea sure. What?"
Quinn took a deep breathe before saying, "Isn't putting pictures of women in swim suits on your wall kind of...gay?"
Santana froze. Trying to think of a good comeback was really difficult while Quinn was staring at you like she almost wants you to say yes. But somehow staring at you with curious eyes that look a bit frightening.
"W-What? No of c-course not! She isn't even in a swim suit. It's more like...um more like fashion panties. Santana cringed at her reply. Her brain went on auto reply without her realizing her answer was horrible!
Quinn looked at the shy Santana and giggled. "Like that's any less gay!"
"I'm not gay, ok?" ,Santana snapped back. Glad that her confidence was seeping back into her. Before Quinn could respond, Santana's mother knocked on the door before opening it. "Quinn, your mother is here." Quinn turned her attention to Santana. "Well bye San."
"Bye Quinn."
(END FLASHBACK)
That's when I realized being gay was looked at as being different. Some people like different but most people don't. I never did put those pictures on my wall. Maybe someday I will. I wish I could be as brave as Brittany is. The first time I went in her room I almost chocked on my gum. She had a huge poster of Britney Spears in skimpy clothes on her wall. I remember being jealous at first that she could have that on her wall and I couldn't.
But anyways that's not the point. Right now I need to think up a plan to tell Brittany my feelings. I forced myself up from my comfortable bed to go practice using my mirror. I almost can't recognize my reflection. I look so...tired. Well I guess I am. I'm tired of being jealous. Tired of being wanted because of my hott body but not for me. I do put on a tough bitch act but no one has taken a chance to crack my shell. To really see me. The only person who has is Brittany and Quinn. But Quinn and I are fighting, we have been ever since I met Brittany. And Brittany and I have unfortunately been growing apart ever since Artie. Damn, when did things get so complicated?
I then realize that i should be practicing. I open my mouth but words won't come out. What will I say to her? Where will I tell her? How can I get her alone? He's always fucking following her! Like some dog or something. I understand that he likes showing off that he has the popular cheerleader. But seriously? It's pathetic.
I just realized that I'm still awkwardly standing at my mirror. I go to sit on my bed and figure this out when I see my notebook journal. That's it! I can write her a letter! That's so much easier. I sit at my desk and begin.
(3 hours later)
After 5 re-writes I'm finally satisfied with the turn out. I fold the paper and seal it with a unicorn sticker Brittany made me buy her. I put the letter in my school binder so I won't forget it. And then it hits me. I'm telling Brittany. I'm telling My best friend aka the love of my life that I'm in love with her. Tomorrow's the big day. Maybe the biggest day of my life. But I'm confident that she will say she loves my back. She doesn't really care about Artie. That's all pretend...right? Don't think like that Santana, he's just a stupid boy! I'm so much better than him in every way possible! I smile at my note and walk over to my bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face.
When I get back to my room my mom is sitting in my chair.
"Hey hun. Why the big smile?"
I quickly turn my head away. I didn't even realize I was smiling. I turn back to my mom and hope that she can't see my blush forming.
"I wasn't smiling mom. I'm just happy that...I got an A+ on my English paper today." I replied quickly.
"Oh sweetie that's great! Let me see it" my mom replied with a big smile.
Shit. There was actually no work to be done today in English class.
"Umm it's still at school" I reply hoping she doesn't catch me lying.
"Oh, ok. Well I just came up here to say goodnight."
"Night mom."
After she left I let out a sigh of relief. She can usually always tell when I'm lying. I'm glad she didn't question me further otherwise she would have gotten the truth out of me. She's good at that. But then i got to thinking about her and my dad...Would my parents accept me if they knew I was in love with Brittany? Would they still love me if they knew i was lesbian...? They've never really said anything that indicates that they're homophobic. But then again they're not marching at a pride parade. Now I'm suddenly scared of their reaction. I obviously haven't thought this through.
I changed into pajamas and crawled into my silk sheets. I need positive thinking. Tomorrow things would be different between Brittany and I. We would be a couple. I might even decide to make it public if she wants it to be. On second thought, maybe. Being public is a big step that i'm willing to take...right? Would people try to bul- No! Don't even think like that Santana! Surely no one would think to mess with me, I am the Santana Lopez. I'm know for being a bitch, i could but brush past the looks and the talk behind my back. But just then Kurt comes to mind. All of the bullying that happened to him from coming out. I should talk to Kurt tomorrow to ask him if it was worth it. I'm starting to feel really terrified with this whole thing. I'm thinking about calling it quits when i realize that i'm being selfish, this is what Brittany and i want. To finally be together. With this thought fresh in mind I close my eyes and try to sleep.
I check my iphone and see that it's 1:14 AM. How could I possibly sleep knowing that today it all happens? I feel something wet on my cheek and notice that I'm crying. I'm not sure if the tears are from the thought of getting bullied or if it's from the thought of it not being worth it in the end. I think i can be strong about this. I hope i can, especially for Brittany's sake. I close my eyes and pray that sleep comes soon.