This is probably the heaviest thing I've written. This is not for the weak of heart and deals with the triggering subjects of abuse and suicide. I think any child who grows up with a depressed parent has this fear constantly in the back of their mind. I tried to convey that with Selina here. Hopefully I haven't veered too much into melodrama here.
This is not a happy story. This is a very unhappy story.
(Also, I've written Maria Kyle as Cuban here because she is, but it's hardly remarked upon. I learned this from my copy of Harley and Ivy where Harley mentions it casually in the 'Live Action Movie' story line.)
I know I've used this same Lemony Snicket quote for Rekmas. I don't care. LS describes it perfectly.
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
-Lemony Snicket
Selina picks Maggie up from the Kindergarten class. She sees the clean-cut lady with the upbeat attitude give her a look of pity. It makes her skin crawl and her hackles raise. Maggie is a good girl who never talks in Church and wears all the pretty dresses Mommy gets from the Goodwill. Selina wears too-big blouses and scuffed sneakers. She hates grown-ups. How they feel they have the right to judge.
Selina likes to take a shortcut home, but Maggie begs her to stick to the road. Bad men hide in alleys and Daddy will be mad if he finds out about them straying. Being the elder sister and thus the one responsible if anything bad happens, Selina relents and takes the streets. It's more than a few extra blocks. If they had the money, they'd take the bus, but they don't. Maggie just turned six so she doesn't get to ride for free anymore.
The grass on the postage stamp lawns of this neighbourhood has all turned brown and crisp with autumn and drought. Another hot summer made their mother fill the house with mosquito netting and the smell of spice. Spice is good. It smells better than the mixture of stray cats and cheap beer that usually pollutes the house. Selina spends most of her summer playing marbles with the other neighbourhood kids. Kids who don't ask why she shows up with black eyes or shoes with holes.
Maggie falls behind because her feet hurt and she wants to stop and pet Winston, the ugly cat. The cat ignores Maggie and instead sits at Selina's feet. She eyes it with impatience and barks at her younger sister to keep moving.
"Selina, why are we in such a hurry? Can you please slow down?" Maggie whines.
"We need to help Mom with dinner." Is the only answer Selina gives her.
Mom's been spending a lot of time in bed lately. She gets up in the evenings before Dad gets home to make Congri or Moros. After that she usually either sits on the porch smoking or slinks back to bed.
There are quiet moments at night when Selina can't sleep because she hears her mother crying. Sometimes her dad will start yelling and there will be slamming doors and Maggie will crawl into her bed. In the morning her mother will be sporting a black eye and making breakfast. She always does that on the worst days.
It doesn't feel like that though. The usual cloud of fear that hovers over Dad's drinking is lessened. Instead it's more of a low pressure system. Selina just wishes the storm would break.
The buildings grow closer together as they get closer to home. Maggie dogs her shadow when they start passing bums and dealers. Bad men her daddy tells her to stay away from.
The closer they get to home, the more Selina's heart pounds with dread. Each step is filled with the ticking of a clock. She thinks she's going to be sick on the sidewalk. Maggie seems to sense her disquiet and slides her smaller hand against her sister's sweaty palm.
Selina grips the gate with trembling fingers. She takes a deep breath and pushes it open. Dutifully, she leads Maggie up the stairs. The house is quiet except for the hum of the fridge and the excited mewls of a few of her mother's cats.
"Mom. We're home." Selina announces.
She doesn't expect a response. It's to break the quiet if anything.
Maggie tugs at her sleeve. She turns to look at her little sister who looks upset without knowing why. Selina hugs her and pushes her towards the living room.
"Go watch Sesame Street, Mags. Before Daddy gets home."
She sends her with a spotty banana and a glass of water. After that, she pads down the hall to her parents' room. The door is slightly ajar and the blankets are in a heap in the centre like when her mom sleeps. Gingerly, Selina toes up to the side of the bed to investigate. The blankets aren't moving, no cats curled against human warmth.
"Mom?" She asks the air.
"Moooomm?" She leaves her parents' room.
The light in the bathroom is on. The door is closed. That dread she's been feeling all day seems to be seeping out through the cracks in the door. Selina wishes she could timidly nose it open like a cat. Like the cat sitting at the foot of the door. Instead she curls her hand around the knob and twists.
"Hey, Mom, how come you're-"
It smells like a cast iron pan in here. The crumbling drywall is damp from the moisture in the air. Must have been a hot bath.
Mom looks so pale. She has such lovely olive skin that practically glows in the sun.
"Mom...?"
This. This isn't her mother, not really. It's undignified, just meat. Pale flesh surrounded by red water. It stinks in here. The cat, Mittens (maybe?) jumps to the lip of the tub and begins to flick its pink tongue into the water. That knocks Selina out of her daze.
"Stop!" She shouts at the feline.
Violently, she drags the creature away from the tub. It twists and scatters. Selina's legs wobble and she knocks her knees on the floor. The pain doesn't really register with the shock.
Maggie appears behind her after how long she doesn't know. She's too young to really understand what's going on, but she calls Daddy like Selina asks her to. Somehow, the older girl stumbles into the kitchen to call 911 on the rotary.
"Hi. My mom's in the bath, she isn't breathing." She tells the lady over the phone.
The woman asks for her address, and she gives it. The words in her mouth sound like nonsense over the static in her ears. She returns to the bathroom and hovers in the doorway. She wants to empty the bath, towel her mother dry, and make her presentable. Mommy always does her hair curly when they have company. Selina looks for the rollers.
She hears the sirens arrive out front before Daddy gets there. The little nubs of the rollers dig into the flesh of her fingers. She's still standing in the doorway. Two young men push past her to get to the tub. They don't ogle or disrespect her mother's body. Instead one checks her pulse, while the other examines her wrists.
"DOA." One says.
Selina sees them beginning to haul her mother out of the bath when her vision is obscured by a hand. A police officer is there and leading her away from the room. She follows. He asks her questions. Did her mommy and daddy fight lots? No. When did you find her? When I got home from school. Was she happy? Yes. She loved me.
"Yes, Sweetheart, I'm sure your mother loved you very much." He assures.
The words feel empty and hollow though. He sits with her and Maggie until Daddy gets home. He starts keening on the front lawn when he sees the paramedics taking Mommy out on a stretcher. The noise sounds like the seagulls down at the pier. It's inhuman and ugly.
"Shut up." She mutters.
The emergency responders finally leave and they're left in the quiet abyss where her mother used to be. Her father looks more drawn than usual and sends her and Maggie to bed without dinner. They're not really hungry anyway. Maggie spends the night sobbing into her neck and Dad spends the night sobbing into a bottle.
In the morning Selina gets up extra early to make tortilla de papa with what's left of the eggs. They burn and stick to the pan. The smell wakes her father up. He looks sick from the smell.
"Don't eat that." He tells her.
"Mom said we shouldn't waste foo-"
"I said don't fucking eat it Selina. Don't feed your sister any of that crap either."
She ignores him and scrapes the contents onto three plates.
Selina goes to school with a black eye that day.