One-shot to Michelle Branch's "If Only She Knew." Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Summerland!
If Only She Knew
by: Chris Grace
We broke up a year ago. Long enough ago where I should be completely used to the idea that he's not mine anymore, right?
Wrong.
I still miss him, so, so much.
But he's dating Amber.
Maybe one reason I can't let go is because it was so…sudden. So unexpected. Things were great between us, we were quite the pair, I have to say, but then in a second it was over.
And after it was over, I couldn't even find the courage to ask him why he ended it. What made him stop loving me. What made him stop caring. I thought what we had was so genuine, but I guess I was wrong.
I don't know whose side I'm takin'
But I'm not takin' things too well
I can see inside you're achin'
But is it still too early for me to tell?
I shouldn't think of him the way I do.
My loyalties should lie with Amber. She's my best friend. I would never want to hurt her. But as I sat across from them at Tiki Squeeze, his arm around the back on her chair, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Wishing that I was in her place, to claim his affections.
A troubled look pained Cameron's beautiful face. I wondered what he was thinking. I felt a different twinge then, a twinge of nostalgia. I missed the time when I could ask him what he was thinking, ask him anything. He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was my best friend. I missed talking with him like I used to. Half of me was missing.
I missed how we'd swing on "our" swing on the back patio at the beach house. Or how he'd drag me to the movies and beg me to go see something lame like Alien Vs. Predators. Or how we'd set up beach chairs on some secluded part of the shore and attempt to read our assigned book for English, and then end up instead wading in the tide or having a long talk until way after dark. I missed sharing a milkshake, or riding bikes together. I missed how he'd hold my hand sweetly during the scary parts in movies, and then make fun of me later for being scared. I missed everything.
He fed me the whole, "let's be friends" line. It was hard for me to accept. But I had to be honest with myself. I would take Cam anyway I could have him in my life. And as hard as it was to be friends after such a hazy, strange, sudden break-up, it was easier than being estranged, too.
Things were okay, I guess. I still held some flicker of hope that maybe we would eventually patch everything up. Maybe he'd even care to shed some light on the reason behind his decision. But then he and Amber had started going out, and I just…I don't even know. Even that didn't make me used to the idea. It just made it hurt worse.
I didn't even hate them for it. It wasn't in my power to hate either of them. They were my friends. I cared for them, even if they were oblivious to anything I felt. You can't just stop caring for someone because they hurt you.
Amber's cell phone rang, snapping me back to the present. She sighed, glancing at the small screen. "It's my boss." She slid off her elevated chair, "I'll be back in a sec, hold on…" She went off to take the call.
I was determined to keep my eyes down, on my straw. I betrayed myself. I took a peek up, to find Cameron staring back, his blue eyes troubled. He seemed a little zoned, too.
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
"Cam?" I met his gaze fully. "Something up?"
He shrugged. "No. I'm fine. Why?" He tilted his head to the side, trying to look innocent and untroubled, I guess.
"No, you're not fine. I can tell. What's going on?" I pried a little, frustrated that he wouldn't talk to me. I wanted to be there for him, like how I used to be.
A few moments of silence followed.
Finally. he sighed, shrugging. "I've had a lot on my mind lately, I guess."
I nodded in understanding. "I know how that is. " Oh boy, do I ever.
Cameron leaned forward on the table, "Do you ever think about…us?" He spoke carefully, peering at me steadily. "The way we used to be?"
I let out a large breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. I leaned forward unconsciously.
It was my turn to speak carefully. "Yeah, I mean, sometimes…It's not-not something you forget easily, I guess." My words were slow and chosen carefully.
He just nodded, and his shaggy bangs fell over his eyes in the cutest way, and I wanted to kiss him right at that moment. I wanted everything back exactly like it used to be. I wanted to love him again without feeling bad about it. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him.
I also wanted to kick myself for thinking that way. I just couldn't help it though.
He sighed again. The much more sane part of my brain (or insane, however you view it) took over once again and stopped any decision I was about to make on pure impulse. I couldn't do it to him, to Amber. As much as I maybe wanted to.
"Cameron, listen." I said, my voice strong, the complete opposite to how I really felt. "It was great. Great memories. But Amber and you…you're now. That's what matters, right?" My heart was sinking in my chest as I said it. My voice was near a whisper by the end.
"Right. Amber." His voice was low. We were leaning dangerously close on the table. His eyes bore into mine, confusion was written across his face.
"Mmhmm. Amber. Of course." I stopped breathing momentarily, his gaze hypnotizing. We were inching closer to each other over the tabletop.
My eyes slid closed, inching slowly toward him...
"UGH!" Right at that moment, Amber stormed up, hoisting herself into the elevated chair.
Cameron and I jumped away from each other, his face stricken.
"Amber!"
My voice was a few octaves higher than usual, and much louder than it should have been. My heart beat rapidly, scared to think of what might (just might) have happened if she hadn't returned.
"So, um.." I fumbled with the straw of my drink. I refused to glance at Cameron, keeping my eyes on Amber. "What'd your boss say?"
She was oblivious to what she'd interrupted. "Mary called in sick. I'm supposed to fill in for her in like, thirty minutes." She sighed. Cameron quickly returned his arm to resting on the back of her chair. He kissed her cheek quickly. I looked away. The envious feeling returning.
"That sucks, Amber." His voice was a little louder than usual. "I guess we have to wrap it up here pretty soon?"
She nodded, solemnly. "I wanted to spend the day his you guys. Stupid Mary. I bet she's at the beach or something." She sounded genuinely disappointed. Guilt washed over me. I love Amber. I'm such a bitch sometimes. I refused to look at Cam, to see if he looked like he felt guilty.
"Well it's about to rain, so I doubt she's at the beach." Cameron said, in his reasonable manor. Amber shrugged, "Knowing Mary, I bet she's surfing since the waves are good."
"Sounds like Bradin's type." I joked lightly, half-heartedly. I stared determinedly at Amber's left earring. I was NOT going to look at him.
"Not much." Amber said thoughtfully, "First off, she has this horrible bottle red hair with like, two inch disgusting roots…." Amber continued to rant about the girl's physical and social flaws, while Cameron and I said "Yeah" a few times as encouragement.
My gaze wandered back to Cameron.
This was going to be a long thirty minutes.
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa, if only she knew, oh
Cameron insisted that he pick up the entire tab. I finally gave in, begrudgingly.
Amber had flounced off to the bathroom, to freshen up. We stood awkwardly on the outdoor patio, looking anywhere but at each other.
"So, I'm giving Amber a ride to work, and then I can drop you off at your house." He said indifferently, in an uninterested non-Cameron way. I wanted to scream at him and call him a jerk and tell him it was an insult to my intelligence to think I didn't know him better than that.
But instead, I shook my head furiously.
"No," I said firmly. "I can walk. It's not far, anyway."
He finally looked at me. "Don't be difficult, Nikki." he said, his eyes flashed in a way that revealed his frustration with me.
I stood my ground. "I'll walk. It's fine." I narrowed my eyes at him, daring him to contradict me.
He peered down at me, confusion on his face once more. He opened his mouth to speak. Thunder rumbled in the distance. He shut his mouth, lips curling into an easy smile. He pulled me under the outdoor awning just in time to miss getting soaked by the sudden downpour.
"I guess I'll be driving you then." His fingers were still around my wrist. An electric shock had run through me at the contact, rendering me speechless. I stood there dumbly, not making a move to pull out of his grasp, and not speaking a word.
"Oh, wow!" Amber suddenly returned from the restroom inside. Cameron dropped my wrist, jerking away from me.
"It's really coming down now. I guess Cam will have to drive you." She said, once again oblivious, rummaging inside her large canvas tote. She pulled out a bubblegum pink umbrella, popping it open.
We made it to Cam's car, just short of me having a mental breakdown from being crammed underneath a stupid umbrella with them, unable to avoid being shoved wedged against Cameron. I found myself glaring as he put his hand on the small of her back. I hated being the third wheel.
He opened Amber's door first, holding the umbrella over our heads as she was safely in the front seat.
He opened the side door for me and I glared up at him, mad as hell for being shoved underneath the umbrella with them.
I try to let it go but I don't know if I can take it
'Cause the way you looked at me
Made me see that I can't really fake it
'Cause I still love you like I did before
He returned my glare with the weirdest look.
His damp hair stuck to his forehead, his expression was…soft. His eyes were bright, confused, and was that…want? Hurt? Love?
We stood there, gazing at each other. He nudged me softly toward the open door. "Get in the car, Nikki."
I obeyed silently.
Once in the car, Amber was once again unaware of the tension. She was fixing her hair in the mirror, she caught my eye and grinned.
"The rain reeks havoc on my hair." She let out a small laugh.
Cameron slid into the driver's seat, shaking the wet umbrella out. He handed it to Amber.
She moved away. "Caaamm! Don't get me all wet!" She giggled furiously. He was laughing along. His head was thrown back from the laugh. His hair was damp despite the umbrella, droplets hanging on his long lashes.
I grimaced as it hit me.
I still loved him.
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa
He looking in the rear view mirror to start backing out. His eyes locked on mine. Neither of us looked away.
That look was still there.
My stomach dropped. He still cared.
But he couldn't. He loves Amber. Not me. Amber.
I know she loves you and I can't interfere
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear
Whoa
He ripped his eyes from mine and backed out of the parking spot.
The drive wasn't silent. Amber made sure of that. She chattered happily, messing with the radio dial. Her hand rested on Cameron's knee as he drove. I was forced to stare out the window.
I watched as she smiled at him. He took one of his hands off the wheel momentarily, to squeeze her hand. Once again I looked away, the guilt and envy mixing in my stomach to nauseating proportions.
He was hers. My best friend's boyfriend. I had no claim on him. I had lied and told her it was okay to date him in the first place. Was it fair to come back after they'd been happy for months, and tell her I never stopped loving him? That I was jealous whenever he even looked at her? What kind of friend would that make me?
Cameron pulled up to the shop where Amber worked. The rain hadn't subsided a bit. She gave him a sweet kiss on the lips that he returned eagerly, "See you later, Cam." She grabbed her umbrella. "Later, Nikki." She climbed out of the car, opening the umbrella above her head. "Love you guys!" She shouted over the rain, before slamming the door. With a small wave, she hurried into the store.
We drove off. I was distinctly aware of how utterly alone we were. The only noise was the rhythm of the rain as we drove, and the steady sound of the wind shield wipers.
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
Oh, I'm still not over you
It was a tense silence. Cameron attempted to lighten the mood, failing miserably. "If silence could kill…" he laughed somewhat bitterly.
I grunted in response. My arms were folded tightly across my chest, I gave the innocent window my death stare,
We were silent. We were almost to my house.
"Nikki." Cameron finally said, sighing.
I was defensive. "You're dating Amber." I didn't say it in an accusing tone, it was just a statement. A plain truth.
"I know."
"So let's make it simple. We both know I still care. You feel guilty because the feeling isn't mutual. You love Amber." My own sharp words cut me like glass. "It's over."
A heavy silence followed. He was focusing on the road. There was a faraway look on his face.
He spoke suddenly, slowly, but surely. "I never forgot, you know." He said simply, a smile on his face. A smile that infuriated me somewhat. What the hell was there to smile about? I contained myself,
"Forgot about what?"
He met my eyes momentarily in the mirror.
"About everything you did for me. When my dad--" He stopped, as if thinking about that time period in his life still hurt him.
I softened, no longer angry.
It was Cameron. The boy I loved. My first boyfriend. My best friend. The boy who spent hours with me after school to edit some godforsaken literary magazine no one at school even read. Even if he didn't return the affection, I loved him. I couldn't hide it.
"Don't worry about it, Cam. It was a long time ago." I said softly. He pulled up outside my house, slightly far from the door. I made no move to get out of the car.
"It was still great, you know, you being there for me. All of it."
"I wanted to be there for you." I said simply.
He turned to face me in the backseat. That look of confusion on his face. He was silent, just gazing at me intently.
"I asked you earlier if you thought of how we used to be, Nikki." He paused momentarily.
"I-I wanted to tell you that, I think about us a lot. All the time actually." He poured out, he looked expectant, waiting for my response.
I tore my eyes from him, looking out the window. "We broke up, remember?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know, Nikki. But didn't it get to be--just, too much?"
I glared at him. My words were sharp. "What? It was such a bad thing being together, that you couldn't even-" I stopped, having lost my train of thought. "You know what, Cameron? Just stop. Stop playing with my emotions." I was nearly shouting by then, I took a deep breath to calm myself.
"You seem to forget that you broke up with me." I finished my rant, sinking back into the seat.
He turned back around to face the steering wheel, leaning back into the seat. He rested his head back, closing his eyes. We sat in silence. I was mad. He seemed defeated.
"I broke up with you." The words from his mouth were unreal to me. An absolute truth.
The rage I had built up inside over the past year was quickly melting back into hurt. I stared out the window.
"I never told you why, did I?" Cameron asked quietly. I glanced at him wearily.
"You didn't have to, Cameron. You got sick of me. Plain and simple." I looked down at my lap. Inspecting a small tear in my jeans right above my knee.
"That wasn't it."
My head snapped up. He had twisted to stare at me.
"It wasn't?" I asked meekly.
"It got to be too much. Too much too soon, I guess. I mean…You understand what I'm trying to say, don't you?"
I shook my head. "Not really." I looked away, staring out the window defiantly. What was he talking about?
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
Whoa
Cameron let out a heavy sigh. "We were sixteen, Nikki. Sixteen!!" He exclaimed, I glanced over at him, his face was pained. He lightly brushed his fingers over his bottom lip, like he did when he was thinking hard. "Weren't you scared? We were just, so, so--" He paused, looking for the right word.
"--In love?" I could hear the hurt in my own voice. Cameron slowly nodded.
"Yeah." he said softly. "Weren't you scared of it?"
I couldn't help but feel angry with him. "Of course! I'd never felt like that about anyone before! I'd never--loved someone like that." I paused.
He looked at me guiltily. "I was scared too. I mean, I felt like we were so young and we just--couldn't make it."
I was silent, staring down at my lap. What was he trying to say, anyway?
He grabbed my hand suddenly, twisting around backwards. His eyes bore into mine. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
"Nik," It was the first time he'd called me Nik since we broke up. "Please, just try to understand, I need you to understand."
I slowly nodded, hypnotized by his eyes.
"I didn't stop loving you then." He went on, slowly. "I haven't stopped."
'Cause I will never ever walk away
I'll find a way
She could never love you like I do
"You haven't?" I asked weakly. He nodded.
"Why are you telling me this, Cam?" I asked him, frustrated. I removed my hand from his grasp and crossed them across my chest. Now I was the defeated one. "Because you know how much I've wanted to hear it, how much I still do?"
"I'm not saying it to mess with you," Cameron's earnest eyes
I fumbled with the handle on the door. "I have to go, Cam." I opened the door and shot out of the car, ignoring the fact that it was pouring buckets. I walked swiftly to my front door.
I heard another car door slam behind me, and I could hear Cameron running after me, splashing in puddles as he did so.
"Nikki!" He called after me. I walked quicker, but he caught my arm, turning me to face him. I wanted to be mad at him still. I'd tried so hard for a year to be angry. But as he stared down at me, his eyes boring into mine with a look of purest sincerity, I couldn't turn away.
Once again my angry defense failed me, leaving me vulnerable and afraid. The rain continued to fall, I'm sure, but I could neither hear it nor feel it as he lifted his hand and brushed a piece of hair from my face.
"I love you." He said softly. His palm lingered on my cheek. "And please, please tell me we haven't missed our chance."
I stood still. unable to reply, just staring back dumbly. "I-I--" I fumbled with my words, his intense stare making it hard to think straight.
"Nikki.." He sounded defeated. "Please."
I loved him. I loved him so much. Here he stood, pouring his heart out to me on my front lawn, rain splattering around us. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and how I never wanted him to leave me. But then, suddenly, no words were good enough.
I threw my arms around his neck and pulled his face down to mine. Our lips met in a soft kiss, his arms naturally finding their way to my waist. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing this moment to go on forever.
His lips left mine, "I missed you." He said quietly. he held me tightly in his arms. I buried my face in his chest, savoring the embrace I'd wanted so long.
"I love you." I said into his shirt. I looked up at him and he kissed me softly on the lips, the entire year of loneliness and heartache melting away at his touch.
If only she knew
If only she knew
-The End-
I don't really know if that was any good or not, it's just something I wrote awhile ago.
Hate it? Love it? Leave a review and tell me what ya think.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Chris Grace
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