Loose Ends

By bricksailor93

Part One:

With a bow, Dr. Lin greeted the new Firelord as he arrived at the Firenation Hospital. The Firelord bowed in return, and the two men walked side by side down the hall. Zuko paid a visit to this hospital every week, despite the fact that it was time-consuming to make the trip and he usually left feeling worse for the wear. As he walked now, he glanced at the patients along the hallway and the nurses treating them. There were many here from the aftermath of the war. Some were healing, scars becoming less noticeable everyday. Others were slowly getting worse, the war having drained them of their last strength.

Zuko wished that his sister was in the first category of patients, but his hopes were in vain. Dr. Lin usually met him in the visitor's room, unless something was wrong with Azula, then he met him on his way in. Today he had met him at the door. Judging by the doctor's expression, it was not a good omen.

"She's getting worse," the young Firelord said, knowing that his statement was correct.

Dr. Lin sighed and shook his head.

"Your sister is troubled. Very troubled. She hardly sleeps. She hardly speaks. Lately, she has regressed to her starvation habits again. The way things are right now, her chances of recovery look slim," the doctor told him with a grim voice.

It was Zuko's turn to sigh. Every week he had come Azula had stayed the same. He had wished her state would change every time he had seen her. Well, now it had, but it wasn't the change he had been hoping for.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, doubtful that there was anything he could do that he hadn't already done.

The doctor shrugged.

"Firelord Zuko, you have done more than anyone else by not giving up hope on your sister. You are the only visitor that returns time after time to see her. Besides that, I don't know what more you can do," he said.

It was what Zuko had expected to hear. Since their fight, which ended in Azula's loss of sanity, he had felt a constant guilt for his sister's broken state. Though he knew it was what had to be done, he could not bear seeing Azula waste away in her insanity because of him. Since then, he had placed her in the best hospital available and visited her every week, hoping for her recovery.

That recovery was in doubt now. Zuko shook his head and sighed again. If only she had any hope for herself.

"Well, I suppose I should go see her," he said, "Though I doubt she'll be pleased."

Dr. Lin smiled grimly and nodded.

"Right this way, sir," he said, leading the way down the hospital corridor.

Azula sat in her corner, cut off from every one else. She hated this place. It reeked of the sick and of soap from the constant cleaning of everything. The doctors and nurses treated her like a child, despite the fact she was Princess of the Firenation. This place was a prison to her, the worst kind of prison there was.

"Princess Azula," somebody said, "You have a visitor."

Azula scowled and turned and glared at the nurse. The poor nurse smiled nervously and hurried away. They were scared of her, like they should be. She was Azula, pride of the Firenation and a firebending prodigy. All should fear her.

But that all changed.

She had lost.

She was beaten.

She wasn't feared anymore.

She was nothing.

And it was all because of Zuko, her pathetic brother who stole her place as Firelord. Nothing could make her angrier than seeing her brother's face. It only angered her more knowing that she would see him every week. And apparently, today was visiting day.

Had it been a week already since his last visit? She couldn't recall. Time didn't matter in a place where you just existed. And Azula's existence was the worst of them all.

"Azula."

She looked up and scowled. There he was, her little, untalented brother. An angry red scar spread over his left eye to his ear, his hair down and his clothes simple. For some reason, he thought if he dressed simply, it wouldn't emphasize the fact that he was Firelord and she wasn't. After fixing him with a glare of pure venom, she turned her face away.

I won't speak to you. Go away.

Zuko sat down across from her with a sigh. Every second she was near him, the more she was reminded of her failure. How could she fail against this? A scarred, pathetic prince, exiled from his kingdom and not proficient in his firebending abilities. She was the shining jewel of the firenation. A prodigy, a legend, a symbol of strength and skill. She was her father's favorite. Failure was unknown to her. Until now, that was.

And it was all his fault. She hated him. Hate wasn't even a strong enough word to describe what she felt for him. It was her greatest desire to burn him to a crisp, or at least give him a scar on his right eye to match the one on his left. But she couldn't, and she wouldn't let him know. No, if he knew… Oh, she would never hear the end of it.

"The doctors tell me you're not eating again," Zuko said.

She met his gaze with searing gold eyes. If looks could kill, or maybe burn…

Oh, I see what this is, she thought, clenching her fist and gritting her teeth, You think you can tell me what to do. You think you can just snap your fingers and I'll be at your beck and call. You will not! You will never rule me!

"Ty Lee came by last week," he continued, trying to ignore her venomous gaze, "She said you treated her to a less than friendly welcome."

The traitor circus freak. She thought that she could come by, act all bubbly and nice, and earn her friendship again. She told Azula she didn't regret what she had done to her to save Mai; Azula didn't regret trying to scratch her eyes out.

"Azula, please speak to me," Zuko sighed.

I will not.

"Mai wants to visit you, but she's afraid you'll burn her to a crisp. You know, your quarrel with her should be with me," he said.

I love Zuko more than I fear you.

The words still rang in her mind. The traitor's last words to her haunted her and drove her wild. Had she really been without friends? Had they really just gone with her because they feared pain and death if they didn't? Of course they did. She was a monster. Monsters didn't have friends.

"Uncle talks about you a lot," Zuko went on with a sigh, "He misses you, you know."

That was a lie if she had ever heard one. Iroh thought her a scheming, black-hearted princess, nothing more. He was right, of course. He only cared for the boy in front of her. If it hadn't been for Iroh, Zuko would have been crushed long before. She hadn't needed anyone, proving her stronger than her brother once more. Then why was she here, and he wore the crown?

"Quite honestly, I sort of miss you, too, Azula," he said, smiling sadly, "It's not the same without you challenging me all the time."

Azula snarled and turned her fierce gaze away.

I don't care.

"Please, Azula! Talk to me!" he pleaded, "I'm your family! Your brother!"

I don't care.

"It hurts me to see you like this," he said, placing a hand on hers, "You're my sister!"

With a hiss, Azula snatched back her hand, still not meeting his gaze. He would not touch her, ever.

I don't care.

"You're my family, and I love you, though we have some problems," he said, "Don't you care about that? Don't you love your own brother?"

I don't care.

"Please, Azula!"

"I DON'T CARE!" she roared, over-turning her chair as she stood up. A menacing, and twisted creature she was. She saw Zuko flinch when she jumped up, making her smile manically.

He fears me still. I have power! There's power in fear! I have power! Power!

But then out of the corner of her eye, she saw doctors and nurses move towards her, surrounding her. Her eyes darted side to side. If she ran, she could put up a fight, and maybe take a few of them out. She could blast them and… then she remembered. With a ferocious growl, sounding more like a wounded animal than a teenage girl, she whirled around, watching them like a cornered rat.

"Don't come near me!" she screeched, "Don't touch me! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!"

They didn't listen to her. They kept moving forward, tightening the circle surrounding her. Breathing raggedly, she tried to take a fighting stance, but it was a weak one. Not eating for days had left her pale and weak. She would fight, though, even if it killed her.

Suddenly, Zuko stood up and waved his hand.

"Leave her be," he said, calmly but firmly, "She's my sister; I can handle her."

Slowly they returned to their duties, leaving the crazy princess to glare at her Firelord brother once more.

"Why didn't you kill me?" she cried, "That would have been the kind thing to do! Death would have been better than living like this!" She tore at her straggly hair. Azula had not touched her hair since the fight, leaving it hang in matted, unevenly cut, dirty strands. Her fingers became tangled in the knotted locks, and she let out an agonizing shriek of frustration.

A laugh. A blood-chilling laugh rang in her ears. Azula's eyes widened in fear. They were coming. They were coming, the voices. The ones that laughed at her at night. They ones that whispered a reminder of her failure in her ear with cold, wicked voices. The ones that she had been haunted by ever since the fight. They were coming.

The only way they left was when her mother told them to go away. Azula loathed seeing her mother. The woman would come and rid her of the voices and then tell her that she loved her. Azula didn't want love. She wanted to die.

Zuko was saying something to her.

"…I could not kill my own sister," he said, "I have hope for you, Azula."

Hope. She was absolutely sick of that word. Everyone had it, especially the peasant from the Water Tribe. Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid, stupid... Hope was stupid. It made her sick. It wasn't real. It was nonsense. She had hoped to be Firelord. Look where she was now.
Azula rocked back and forth on her heals nervously as she felt the voices coming closer, their laughs growing louder. Her hair fell into her face. She pushed it away, but it fell right back. It was too short from when she had cut it, and it wouldn't reach behind her ears.

Like a child, cutting your hair like that. It's a good thing Prince Zuko became Firelord. A child can't be Firelord. A baby, an infant. That's what you are, failure.

Azula shook in terror as she heard their cold voices. Trying to appear brave, she clenched her fist and gritted her teeth.

"I am not a child," she protested out loud, "I'm Princess of the Firenation."

Zuko said something, but she couldn't hear him. He was just a muffled voice in the background.

But not Firelord. Just Princess Azula, not Firelord Azula. Anyone can be a Princess, even a disappointment like you.
She scowled and bared her teeth.

"Stop!" she cried fiercely, "I order you to stop!"

"Stop what, Azula?" her brother asked, looking very confused. She ignored him. He was the least of her worries now.

Crazy, crazy, crazy… The once proud Firenation prodigy has been reduced to a hopeless, raving lunatic that cries in her sleep.

"I'm not crazy!" she screeched, "I am not! I am not!"

Azula clapped her hands over her ears and shut her eyes tightly, but it was no use. They weren't on the outside of her; they were on the inside. They were in her mind, like parasites living off of her and poisoning her.

Oh, but you are. Cry little Azula. Cry for Mommy. You know she'll always come. You're like her now. An outcast. Like mother, like daughter, as they say.

"No…"

Yes. Only a mother could love a monster like you. But that doesn't bother you, does it? You are incapable of love. You have no friends. Just your poor wretched self. A dismal let-down in the Firenation's greatest hospital. You will never leave here. You will never be healed. Never, never, never. Your failure is your illness, and you cannot undo the past. You will never leave this place.

A blood-chilling scream escaped Azula's lips. She fell to the floor, wailing like a madman. Tears cascaded down her face, leaking from her shut eyes. Why, oh why wouldn't death take her? She had stopped eating to speed up the process. Only dying would bring an end to this ceaseless torture. Azula had to make these voices stop.

"NO! NO! NO!" she yelled, "Make them stop!"

Vaguely, she felt Zuko beside her, gripping her arm.

"Azula!" he was saying, "Azula, please stop!"

Azula screamed in response, rocking back and forth in agony. The pain, the endless pain was overbearing. She couldn't do this! She couldn't withstand this torture!

"Make them be quiet!" she screeched, sounding like a wounded animal writhing in pain.

Where was her mother? She always came when they pained her this much! She was the only thing that could make them go away! Azula hated seeing her, but she hated these voices more.

"Mother!" she sobbed, "Mother, where are you?"

Ah, but your mother is gone. You've chased her away. She isn't at your beck and call anymore, little Azula. In fact, your mommy was never here. She was never real. It was just your mind falling deeper into madness. You are insane.

"I am not!" she screeched, "Mother!"

"Azula, open your eyes!" Zuko's voice called to her in the distance. He was far, far away from her. She was alone with herself and her tormentors. Azula was lost.

Lost, little Azula? Of course you are. You won't even look your brother in the eye. He used to be the lesser one. He's traded roles with you now.

"No!" she screamed.

Suddenly, she became aware that someone was holding her, keeping her from moving. Probably one of her nurse jailers. She thrashed, kicked, and punched. Her fist hit the floor with a sickening crack, and pain flared up her arm.

"No, Azula, you'll hurt yourself!" her brother's voice said distantly.

The arms wrapped around her held her tighter, holding her completely still.

A strangled cry of suffering escaped Azula's chapped and cracked lips. The pain was too much. She wanted to die.

"Kill me! Kill me!" she sobbed as she struggled against the arms, "Make them go away! Mother! I need you!"

But death did not come, and Azula continued to thrash against the arms while she screeched in wretched misery.

How miserable a creature, crying out to someone who isn't there. You've already broken yourself today. You need time to wash yourself raw with your wracking tears. Wash yourself with the tears of failure that will never cease to come. Until later, little Azula…

"Be gone from me!" she shouted hoarsely. She wept in ugly, wracking sobs. The arms held her tighter still. She could feel them now. As she returned from the terrorizing darkness, she began to perceive the world again. With a cry of defeat, she stopped thrashing in self-defeat. She had returned to this world. The ugly, unforgiving world.

"Azula, please look at me," Zuko's voice said softly. It was close, very close. It was speaking in her ear. With horror, she realized it was his arms that were holding her. She hated him, and hated herself for allowing herself to go so far to letting him restrain her.

She shook her head. Still resolved not to speak to him, she bit her lip, holding back a new wave of tears.

He sighed.

"You're alright. Nothing will hurt you," he said.

That was a lie. She had been hurt everyday. The pain was so familiar to her now that she had almost learned to block it out. Almost. But then it always stabbed her in a wave of burning ferocity that caught her completely off-guard. Azula was hurting every second that she lived.

"Why are you crying?" Zuko's voice asked her.

This time, despite her resolve not to speak to him, despite how much she hated it when he won, she broke. She couldn't help it; she answered him.

"Because they won't leave me alone! They taunt me! They haunt me at night! I want to die! I want to die! I want to quiet them!" she screeched.

He was silent.

Azula moaned in her loneliness. He was there, but she wasn't with him. She wasn't with anyone. She was alone.

"You don't mean that," he whispered hoarsely, "about dying."
"I mean it!" she sobbed. Dying couldn't be worse than living the way she was now.

Zuko stood and pulled her to her feet. Outraged with his act of aiding her, she let her legs go limp. She would've crashed if it had not been for him. He caught her before she hit the ground and put her arm over his shoulder, carrying her down the hallway.

Azula opened her eyes a bit out of anger, but she could barely see for her tears. She thrashed and hit him, shrieking like a wild animal.

"Put me down!" she yelled, "Let me walk!"

Warily, he let her go, watching her with an unsure gaze.

"We're going back to your room," he said firmly. That was an order. She knew an order when she heard one; she had given enough of them in her life time.

She stumbled away down the hallway on her own. The sound of his footsteps followed her, and Azula bit her lip to keep herself from screaming. Why wouldn't death take her?

In her room, she stumbled to her hospital bed, no, cot, and sat down ungracefully. Her throat hurt something terrible from all her screaming, and her head pounded like it always did these days. Physical pain was almost a relief from the inner pain she felt constantly now. Though she was not one to inflict pain upon herself, she didn't cringe away from pain on the outside.

"When was the last time you slept or ate?" Zuko asked, sitting beside her.

Anger flared up inside of her. Who was he to tell her to sleep or eat? She was in charge of herself, whether she be lost or not. Azula dug her fingernails into her arm to control her anger. She hated him and she hated herself. She hated living, and everything living hated her.

"Azula!" he cried, snatching her hand away from her arm.

She looked down indifferently. Her nails had drawn blood. It formed in pools where her fingers had been. She looked at her hand. The nails were now stained with blood.

Like a monster, she thought to herself.

"Stop hurting yourself," he said, fetching a bandage from the cabinet against the wall. She let him bandage it only because the doctors would anyway. "Now answer me; when did you last sleep or eat?"

Azula remained silent. There was nothing she wanted to say to him. Absolutely nothing.

Zuko sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. Normally the sight of wearing him down would have thrilled her, but now she was too sore and exhausted. She felt weak, though she would never let anyone know, and she just wanted to be alone.

"I'll make you a deal," he said hoarsely, "If you answer my questions, I'll let you be."

After a moment she nodded. It was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to be rid of him, and she would do what she had to do to make it happen.

"Okay, now when was the last time you slept or ate?" he repeated.

She shrugged. In all honesty, she wasn't sure. She just knew that he wouldn't leave her alone until she answered him.

"Azula…"
"I don't know!" she said hoarsely, "I can't."

He frowned at her, like a parent to a small child who wouldn't listen. She felt belittled and foolish, wishing she could just fade away.

"Why not?" he asked.

Azula shuddered.

"They'll come if I sleep," she said softly, "They'll only leave if I die, so I must not eat."

He sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder. It made her skin crawl, and she cringed under his touch.

"Can I make them leave?" he asked.

Azula snarled and smacked his hand away, repulsed by his words and his touch.

"You? No! You're the one who's to blame! You caused this! You took away my destiny! You didn't have the grace to kill me!" she screamed. Turning towards him, she glared at him with violently blazing eyes. The gold irises seemed to burn with intensity unlike any other.

Suddenly, his gold eyes, exactly like hers except they didn't burn with pain, suffering, and hatred, filled with tears. This didn't move her in the slightest. She was numb to anyone else's feelings. Seeing him cry just disgusted her.

"I won't say I'm sorry for what I did," he said, "because I did what was right."

She fixed him with the most hateful gaze she could muster.

"You destroyed me!" she screeched, her already raw throat burning, "And you don't care!"

This time it was his turn to glare at her. He grabbed her bandaged arm and held it up in front of her. For a moment, she was afraid of him. His gaze was not hateful, but angry, very angry. She wasn't afraid that he would hurt her; she was more afraid of what he could have the doctors or nurses do.

"I don't care, huh?" he fumed, shaking her arm, "Do you think that after I come here time after time, taking care of you?" He let her arm drop. "Why do you think I'm here? Because I enjoy seeing you fall apart? No, I'm here because it nearly ripped me apart to see my sister lose herself because of me. There is no hope for our father, but there is hope for you. I would do anything within my power to help you," he said.

Azula frowned darkly and stood up. Staggering to the window, she tried to ignore the use of the word "hope". There was no hope. Nothing would heal her. It was a hopeless fight against a current a thousand times stronger than her. The voices would consume her. She couldn't fight forever.

"Kill me then," she said, voice calm, "That would be the kindest thing."

Zuko was silent. Azula didn't realize that for the first time since she had come to the hospital, she sounded like her old self. Her voice was calm, even, and cold, with the slightest edge of cunning. It seemed odd to be coming from such broken-down figure. The light from the setting sun outlined her at the window. Such a sad sight it was.

With a sigh, Zuko shook his head.

"I will not kill you, Azula," he said.

The old Azula vanished, and the new and broken soul returned.

"Then there is nothing you can do! Get out!" she snapped viciously.

Sighing again, Zuko stood and turned to go but stopped and looked back at her.

"Azula, why were you yelling for our mother earlier when you… um… fell down?" he asked.

She clenched her fists. She wasn't going to answer him. Not anymore. She was done with him.

"Answer me and I'll leave," he said.

Azula just wanted him to leave her alone.

"She quiets the voices," she whispered, "But she's left me. She's not coming back. Now get out!"

Zuko sighed as he looked at his sister.

"I'll see you next week," he said softly in parting.

"I don't care," she hissed, but he was already gone.

He walked away, keeping his promise to his poor sister, leaving her in her usual loneliness. As she listened to his footsteps fade away, she felt tears leak down her cheeks. Life was pain. Life was suffering. Life wasn't worth living anymore. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing at all.

"I don't care," she mumbled as she sobbed, "I don't care."

Zuko walked down the hallway away from Azula's room. She had given him a lot to think about. And maybe, just maybe, he saw a way to help her.

Dr. Lin met him at the end of the hallway.

"Firelord Zuko," he said, "I take it the visit is over."

Zuko grimaced and rubbed his face tiredly. He nodded to answer the doctor's question. These visits were wearing him out. He didn't know how much more he could take. Azula was not only hurting herself; she was slowly dragging him down as well. He had one hope now. It was his only chance.

"Yes, it's over," he said, walking towards the door, "I'll try to be back next week."

Dr. Lin frowned.

"Try to be, sir?" he repeated.

Zuko turned to the older man and nodded.

"Yes, I think I have an idea to help Azula. It requires some traveling, though, so I can't be certain that I'll be back on time," he said.

Dr. Lin shook his head.

"Sir, pardon me for saying so, but if you leave her now, she'll be past the point of no return. She needs you!" he said sternly, "She is death-ridden and everyday she grows closer to that fate. Would you leave her?"

Zuko stopped and sighed. He wished it was that easy. Azula had told him what he needed to do, whether she knew it or not. And leaving her for a few weeks was a chance he had to take.

"I have to do this," he said, resolved to his duty.

"But, sir, she is near death! If she doesn't eat…"

Zuko turned and stared at the doctor with intense gold eyes. Dr. Lin gulped and opened and closed his mouth several times before he spoke.

"Well, of course, if this really is urgent, I guess she'll be okay for a few weeks…"

"I have a task for you, Doctor," Zuko said softly, "Keep my sister alive. I don't care what you have to do, force feed her, tie her to a chair, anything! Just keep her alive until I get back. If anyone questions your methods, blame the Firelord."

Dr. Lin nodded.

"Yes, sir, understood."

With a nod of his head, Zuko left the hospital, many thoughts on his mind. It seemed he would have to see if Aang would loan him Appa for a little while.