Cast of Characters:

Moonshae Kirby, Surrogate Leader of the NKRU

Solo Kirby, a Council Member

Odd Shaped Kirby "Oddski", a Council Member

Mafia Kirby, a Council Member

Lemon Pegging Kirby "Lady Lemons", a Council Member

The Subcouncil (Mexxi, Tango, Kitty, Ratchet and Garlic'd)

Red Stained Kirby "Aress", in love with Majinn

Majinn Kirby, in love with Aress

The Deii Ex Machinae (EEK, Farmer, Nightmare), Kirbish angels

A Chorus of Kirbies

Dragon, the Leader of the Antis and a renegade Kirby

Pika Kirby, a narcissistic troublemaker

A Chorus of Antis

Scene One: The curtain opens on the common room of the NKRU. PIKA is lounging on his favorite couch, which is the only one without any rips or spills on it. Some NEW RECRUITS are there as well, looking bored, terrified, or a combination of both. The COUNCIL is presumably in the next room over, as they are offstage.

Pika: (yawns)

Damn Council.

Recruit #1:

What's taking them so long? Are they discussing something important?

Pika: (guffaws)

Important? Oh, hell no. Knowing them, they're probably discussing the chemical properties of Swiss cheese or something.

Recruit #2: (confused)

Why would they do that?

Pika:

Because they're the Council.

Recruit #3:

If they're the Council, why would they discuss something that stupid?

Pika:

It's what they do. (The RECRUITS look blank.) God, you newfags are such morons. Don't you get it?

Recruits:

No. Tell us!

Pika:

Well…(sings)

I do believe there is a curse on the NKRU

A curse shall surely bring a hearse, I'm looking out for you!
A second guild, a simple freezing, IP banning everywhere.
Or a total systems failure I'd accept with some despair.
But no, we've been sent COUNCIL, I ask you, was that fair?

I may lack my humility on the NKRU

But at least I do my best... What else can I do?
If you don't want to see a banning at the hands of TNT

If you don't want the guild to be split in two or three

Then I tell you, we must DO IT!
Don't hear Council, just hear me...

For they piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do they solve!
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve...

Nothing's ever solved

By the cold, corrupt, callous, crying, CRAZY... Kirbish Council.

They may sit here for years and years in the Basilica

Just like the bloody Congress in Philadelphia!
They can't agree on what is right and wrong

Or what is good or bad

I'm convinced

The only purpose that this Council ever had

Was to gather here, once a week

To drive us Kirbies mad!

You see, they piddle, twiddle, and resolve

Not one damn thing do they solve!
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve

Nothing's ever solved with the Cold, corrupt, callous, crying, CRAZY…
Kirbish Council!

Moonshae: (bursts in)
For God's sake, shut him up!

Pika:
Oh, fuck you!

Lemons: (Enters stage right, clearly trying to keep calm.)
Pika, Pika, can't you shut your mouth for once? (PIKA makes a rude hand gesture) Pika!

Pika: (Spoken)
Ha! Poor stupid Lemons, you underestimate me!

Lemons: (Spoken)
But you're no better than any other Kirby, to be mouthing off to me that way. I have better things to be doing than policing you.

The Council needs to bring about a state of stability

Then we need to take care of

The uprising of Antis!
SPK has dysentery

Gunslinger keeps turning blue

Farmer died of measles

And EEK was killed by flu

Then this revolt of Antis!

Pika:

Okay, bitch, what else is new?

(Spoken)

Lemons, I believe that I did tell you that Oddski has been undoubtedly and permanently a plague upon the Kirbish Rebellion. I told you to get the council to vote on the matter of her removal. Now, have you done as I asked?

Lemons: (Spoken)

No, Pika, I have not.

Pika: (Spoken)

Why have you not?

Lemons: (Spoken)

Because you neglected to tell us how Oddski has abused her power.

Pika: (Spoken)

By removing my legitimate signature, of course!

Lemons: (rolls her eyes)

Oh, of course.

Pika: (missing the sarcasm)

Will it be done, then?

Lemons: (spoken)

I'm afraid we have a more urgent problem, Pika.

Pika: (Nastily)

More urgent, "Lady" Lemons?

Lemons:

There's one thing that the Council's missed that's causing us to fight.
Don't smirk at me, you egotist. You simply aren't right!
We've been speaking and protesting and we just cannot decide

On the question of the Zorrens, if they are or are not right.
We will not discuss Oddski, until we can decide.

Pika: (angry)

Zorrens, bitch? Oddski!

Lemons: (calmly)

Zorrens.

Pika: (pissed off)

Oddski.

Lemons: (annoyance is creeping into her voice)

Zorrens.

Pika: (furious)

Oddski!

Lemons: (riled)

Zorrens!

Pika: (yelling)

ODDSKI!

Lemons: (screaming)

ZORRENS!

Pika: (Roaring)

ODDSKI!

Lemons: (after a dramatic pause)

Zorrens.

Pika: (grumbling)

Agreed, Lemons, Agreed.

Lemons: (forced pleasantry)

Agreed, Pika, agreed.

Moonshae:

Right, then. Lemons, back to the meeting. Pika, aren't you supposed to be watching these new recruits?

Pika: (sarcastically respectful)

Yes, your Ladyship. Will you requiring anything else before you go back to the all-important meeting? A glass of Vin Santo, perhaps? A complete mopping of the NKRU? Your skirt mended? A foot massage?

Moonshae: (ignoring the sarcasm)

Yes, thank you. Vin Santo would be lovely, and several of the rooms do need to be mopped. I'm sure one of the recruits has some sewing talent, but you can hold off on the foot massage. Thanks for asking. (MOONSHAE and LEMONS walk offstage, PIKA staring after them in utter shock. End of Scene One.)

Moonshae's Note: Each scene is a chapter long. The songs in the scene are generally parodies of well-known songs, though some may be original. The song parodied in this chapter was "Piddle, Twiddle, and Resolve" from 1776. Hope you enjoyed this scene.