Title: Regretful Bonds

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Pairing: FemNaruto + Shikamaru

A/N: Okay, this was thought out, somewhat during the time I was sleepy. I was writing Part 2 of Wishful tears, when this popped into my head, so I had to write it out. Please note, that this is long. It took me several days to finish and it drove me crazy. Like seriously, the ending took me forever. It just took me forever to finish.

Warnings: There might be OOCness, why? Caught Naruto's a girl here. Duh, since he is now a she, there will be different feelings going on. Please remember the title of this story, there's a reason for it.

Summary: She could have loved him. He was everything she could have ever asked for in a lover. So why! Why can't she love him! Why can't she just forget about the past and move on!

There were times Naru wished she was a normal girl. To be a plain civilian, where the horrors of being a kunoichi would never cross her mind, Naru once envied that sort of life. If anyone asked her at her current state, if she ever regretted picking the kunoichi path, Naru would tell them honestly that she never regretted being a kunoichi of the Leaf. However she would never continue and say she would henge into a plain villager every now and then. To henge into another person, that was as close as she ever came to being just 'Naru' and not 'Uzumaki Naru, Jinchiriki'.

If someone ever asked her, what was her biggest regret, Naru didn't know if she could answer them. She knew the answer. However she wasn't going to tell anyone complete answer.

To a random stranger, she would tell them the one almost everyone knew she regretted. She regretted never being able to bring Sasuke back from Oto. Even after the war and Akatsuki, Sasuke remained with Oto and quickly became their Otokage. Yet, he was not an enemy anymore, so the regret was lessened.

If it was a friend who asked her, she would tell them she regretted not being stronger. She was stronger now, after everything that had happened. If only she was stronger before, during the war and everything that followed it, so many friends and allies would not have died. If only she was faster, she might have been able to save them. If only….

If it wasn't just a friend but someone who Naru considered a confidant had asked her, Naru would tell them, the biggest regret she had was the fact that no matter how many people she dated, no matter how sweet they were, she could never move on from her first love, Sasuke.

When Sasuke announced that he was staying with Oto after the war, Naru knew that was the end of her dreams. After so many years of chasing after him, of fighting him, he would continue to remain with the people who brainwashed him into betraying the village that loved him. Since then, Naru was never the same. Instead of the upbeat, cheerful girl she was before, Naru became a shadow of her former self. She lost the future that was her safety net, the one thing that held her together through each death and through each mission. With nothing to protect her, depression was the result.

Most of her friends didn't notice her descent towards depression. After the war, many were too busy with other things to keep track of friends. Missions to repair the village as well as to create a steady economy for the civilians were the main priority at the time. Friends were important as well, but only when there was time to meet up. Otherwise, a friend was only their partner or their dreams while on a mission. Mission after mission, Naru threw herself into her work, never giving herself any time to relax and enjoy life. Becoming a workaholic was the only thing that kept her sane. If she was ever left alone for more than a few hours without anything to do, Naru felt her mind slowly close in on herself as the demon within her softly whisper tempting offers in return for her release.

Once the world finally settled down and the peaceful feeling from before returned to the village, Naru found herself with less work and more free time. She needed something, anything to distract her, to keep her mind off of what Kyuubi was saying, off her lost future, and off the tempting glint of the kunai. She needed something to focus on. The first thing that came to her mind was her pranks. It had been years since the last village wide prank was played and the village needed to remember who their resident prankster queen was.

The first prank was unannounced and loud. The sound of farm animals causing a ruckus started at the Hokage tower before the sounds eventually filled the entire village. Weirdly enough, the source of the sounds were unknown and the ruckus was merely the start of the masterpiece coming up. The second prank was a silent one, a prank that did not need sound to astound and confounded the people greatly. The sudden loss of sound was a shock to the people. The entire village went deaf for an entire day, barely anything was done, and no one knew what to do or what was the cause. Again and again, pranks to be played over the course of a month. The prized finale was something Naru felt would remain her masterpiece.

Most knew who the mastermind behind the endless pranks was. Majority of the people wanted punishment. Others didn't care. However, those who knew Naru found it strange how she started up her pranks once more. Those who mattered acknowledged her, so there was no point in the pranks. Her friends and fellow shinobi started to notice some things about Naru that most didn't. Her agitated mood and her constant need to keep occupied, they were never there before. After her masterpiece, many shinobi could not stand her pranking nature anymore. Due to one complaint too many, Naru found herself summoned to the Hokage Office.

0o0o0o0o

"What is wrong with you gaki! Do you know how much paperwork your prank gave me! Shizune wouldn't let me sleep until they're all finished!" The illusion hidden Hokage didn't know what was going on with her favorite kunoichi. At first, she thought Naru was just overworked, like many of her shinobi. Yet, even after she reduced the amount of missions she was sent out on, Naru started acting out of hand. The Counsel had been demanding Naru either change or be charged for unlawful behavior.

The usually cheerful girl said nothing; instead she appeared resigned to her fate. Tsunade could not believe that this was the same girl who was a large part of the war just a few months prior. This could not be the same young woman who was the protégée of the previous Toad Sage. Taking the time to actually look at her, Tsunade noticed some things that went unnoticed before. She lost weight and she wasn't getting enough sleep. The dark bags under her eyes showed signs of insomnia. The more she looked, the more Tsunade didn't like what she saw.

"Gaki, what's wrong?" She whispered out. This was not how this meeting was supposed to be, but she rather this then the harsh punishment she would have dealt the poor girl.

"Nothing's wrong, Baa-chan. Just thought I liven up this village. It's been a while since my last prank anyway, four years? Five years?" Even if her tone was the same, her face barely twitched. She wasn't smiling the big smile Tsunade associated with Naru.

"The truth, Gaki." Tsunade wasn't in the mood to play around. This was a serious matter if Naru wished to continue her career to becoming Hokage. "The Counsel is pushing me to either demote you back to being a genin or to take away your kunoichi privileges, leaving you a civilian." She continued as she silently pleads for the young girl's cooperation. "You know you could tell me anything. Please."

Naru stared at the sight behind her Hokage. It was a beautiful sight, a clear view of what being Hokage meant. To watch over the village, the people, and the villagers, to protect her people, that was the reason for the Hokage. After so many years of dreaming to become Hokage, the sight of the village didn't inspire the feelings of fire and loyalty as it once did. Instead, the feeling of being alone and of coldness gripped her heart at the sight. So many years of dreaming and nothing would come out of it because it was just that, dreams.

"…..I don't feel like I belong here anymore." The whispered reply was not something Tsunade was expecting. She was expecting something simpler, something childish even. She was not expecting such an answer. "No matter what I do, I can't settle down. I feel….useless if I'm not on a mission or doing something." She fidgeted in her place. She looked down onto the Hokage's desk.

"Naru, you should know that you're not useless. You are an important kunoichi and no matter what other people think or believe, you are special. Konoha wouldn't be the same without you." The thought of the village without their Prankster, it felt so wrong, immensely wrong.

Naru shook her head. "They could find someone else. I'm replaceable." The last part was spoken with such force; the belief was completely without any sense of doubt.

"Why do you say that? Each and every life is unique and special. Things wouldn't be the same if you were never born." Nawaki's and Dan's image popped to the forefront of her mind, Jiraiya's following right behind. Life was precious to each and every person. There was no guessing when one stray kunai could mean the end of a person's life.

"I know. Kyuubi would still be ravaging the lands and the Fourth would still be alive."

Horrified brown eyes stared into sky blue ones. "What's gotten into you, GAKI!"

A simple shrug was her answer. With adverted eyes, Naru answered the older woman. "I just want to forget everything that's happened. I want to start over again."

It finally hit her. Naru was depressed. A sigh escaped the elder. She was depressed once in her life, for a far longer period of time then her little girl. She knew the feeling of to end this life to start anew. "If life was that easy, then there would be no hardships and trials. There would be no rewards and no happiness. You need to learn how to accept and move on. Or else you'll be stuck in the past, surrounded by regrets."

Her words struck a chord deep within Naru's depressed heart. Miserable blue eyes stared into her warm brown ones. "Then what should I do? I'm lost, Baa-chan. I'm," Naru bit her lip before she continued on, "I don't know where I'm going anymore."

Luck was on Tsunade's side. "You are going to be taking a break from shinobi duties until further notice." This way, Naru had time to accept whatever it was that was bugging her.

"What?"

"This way, the Counsel will not be able to control what you want to do during this break. Take this time and think about what you want and where you want to go. And that's an order, brat."

"….Hai, Hokage-sama." Naru's voice turned emotionless, similar to her teammate, Sai's, voice. The emptiness sent a shiver down her back but she was firm in her decision. That didn't mean she couldn't give her little girl some advice.

"Get some sleep, Naru. You look like Death warmed over."

0o0o0o0o0o

It was hard at first, being placed off duty. Naru found herself with nothing to do all day. She needed a purpose. So, instead of lazing around without a care, she decided to train. She trained from the moment she awoke to the moment she nearly collapsed from exhaustion. The pain and the strain of training kept her mind off of unwanted thoughts however all good things must end. When Tsunade learned of the constant training sessions, she nearly bashed her head in. Naru was soon advised not to train as often or else she would be hard pressed to bind her charka until Naru returned back to duty. Until then, Naru was limited to only a few hours of training per week.

It was after one training session that Naru was found by her close friend, Shikamaru. Besides Hinata, Shikamaru was the only other person who saw the Naru that was hidden beneath the constant smiles and endless pranks. He never treated her with hate or loathing. She was resting after a tiring practice under the heavy shades provided by the forest surrounding her area. She was staring at the clouds, not really seeing them but at what was beyond them.

"So you were here the whole time? How troublesome."

"Hm." Moving her head slightly to the side, Naru glanced up at the pineapple head shinobi. She shifted over and Shikamaru moved over to lie down next to her. Side by side, Naru returned to staring at the clouds. She was never relaxed enough to watch the clouds flew by. Majority of her youth was filled with hate, sadness, tension, and the need to prove herself. Once she became a kunoichi, her time was filled with worry, training, and the never-ending need to fulfill the promises she made. Now, after everything she had went through, lying on the grass to stare at the clouds drifted by, she felt calmness roll over her.

"Sakura's worried about you." She was expecting something else from Shikamaru. She knew he was there to say something, but as to what, there were too many things to talk about.

"Hm." Sakura was too busy with the hospital and her apprenticeship with Tsunade to pay much attention to Naru. Also, ever since the war, the missions Naru and Sakura went on, tended to be separate from one another.

A sigh escaped before he continued. He muttered out his usual phrase before he shifted to face her. Naru looked over at him but she didn't change her position on the grass. "You can talk to me, you know. You're my friend, Naru." He said with a tone that was bored and annoyed. Naru couldn't help the slight lifting of her lips. It was just like Shikamaru to say anything important with a bored tone. But he cared enough to tell her. Others only assumed she knew. Some would tell her yet would never back it up. If Shikamaru told her that she could talk to him, Naru knew he would always be there when she needed someone to talk to.

"Hm." She returned to watching the clouds float by. She ignored the burning feeling of Shikamaru's eyes gazing at her face. She ignored the lifting feeling of her soul. She ignored the misting of tears from her eyes. She continued to watch the clouds as they peacefully drifted by.

0o0o0o0o0o

The next time Shikamaru found her was by the bridge where Team 7 used to meet up. Now, it was a place where new genin would occasionally pass by or a place to admire the river. Naru was sitting on the banister, facing the flowing river. Naru didn't acknowledge Shikamaru any more than she did the first time. Shikamaru slid down the frame and decided that the clouds were a better source for his attention. Time continued to flow as the two decided to watch their source of art.

"What's done is done. What's gone is gone. But some of us are still here." The heavy silence was broken by the advice of one spiky haired jonin.

Naru slowly looked down at the taller shinobi. She thought of his words before she went back to the flowing river. She stared at the drifting leaves as some were washed onto the riverbed while others continued to drift away from the rest.

0o0o0o0o

The next meeting was unexpected from both friends. Naru was wondering around the village, walking down memory lane. Shikamaru was returning from a short term mission when they bumped into each other. Normally shinobi prefer the roofs to travel. Walking at a civilian pace was something most grew to hate. There was also the paranoia some shinobi suffer from being in too close contact with so many people. Naru was known for her many escapes onto the roofs while Shikamaru usually frequent the streets. It was a surprise when both ended up in the same restaurant that was not Ichiraku.

Naru was exiting the restaurant while Shikamaru was entering. Seeing one another, it was only with the slight lifting of Naru's lips that eased both into their childhood habits around one another. She waited, if somewhat impatient, for Shikamaru to finish his order before leaving together. Feeling better than she did when she first entered the building, Naru started talking about everything that has happened to the village since the last time they met. Shikamaru allowed the girl to continue with her chatter while he subtly guided them away from the main part of the village and towards the training grounds.

It was no surprise to the two of how each could ignore the previous meetings. With Naru opening up to Shikamaru once more, she was determined to start anew. She couldn't expect a new beginning to fall onto her lap without any work. She should know better than most, that life wasn't fair and hard work helped a little. She took what Shikamaru said to heart and mind, now she was attempting to free herself from the chains that bind her to her past as well as Sasuke.

As for Shikamaru, when he was first approached by the Hokage for this mission that was Naru, he was hesitant to accept. Naru was a dear friend to him, but he was still hesitant to help. His secrets were his own yet he shouldered on and accepted the mission that was to save this Naru from the darkness that was depression. By simply being there and telling her he would be there, his attempt of showing her that there was someone who would help, who would be there, even without your cry for aid. He meant it too. He wasn't being there for Naru due to this being a mission. He honestly, no matter how troublesome it was, cared about the blonde.

The rest of the day was simple and carefree, something that was similar to the past yet clearer then the childish innocence then.

0o0o0o0o0o

Ever since that chanced meeting, Naru found her time entwined closely with one Nara Shikamaru. She was allowed back on duty, however her missions never reached long term or higher than A rank when possible. When she was on a mission, the Nara was usually either on the same team or on a separate mission at the same time. Once she returned back to the village, he would either be there waiting for her or on his way back from a mission. She started to spend more time with him, enjoying the little things in life, something she wasn't able to do a few months before.

With every little step she took to being happy once more, she took the time to find her estranged teammates again. Sakura was the easiest to find. She was at the hospital, working as a medic when she was not on a mission. Sakura was surprised to see Naru searching for her, yet she didn't have the time to reunite with her teammate. As the apprentice to Tsunade, Sakura was to look over the hospital when Tsunade wasn't there. With a promise for a later date, Naru and Sakura separated on good terms.

Kakashi was another matter entirely. He was almost impossible to find, almost that is. In the end, Naru managed to find him. It appeared he was intentionally avoiding the girl. When questioned, he refused to answer with a truthful answer. He continued to avoid the question and only cause Naru's mood to fall slightly. She left her ex-sensei to his rambles and walked off to the bridge. Whatever reason Kakashi had for ignoring the girl, Naru didn't care. She tried to get to know her teammates again, if he was not going to reciprocate the attempt, well, Naru will just have to find something else to occupy her time with, like she used to when he would only train….. Naru halted that train of thought and only thought of anything else.

Her mood was not the same as it was that morning after the encounter with Kakashi. The bridge used to be their meeting spot. Now it was the place where Naru went to find some sort of peace without the need to think of the whole picture. She used to find the top of the Hokage Mountain as peaceful. Until the sight of the village reminded her that it wasn't just the shinobi that lived in the village, the civilians were a large part of a village and their views never changed of who she was, a demon and menace to all. The sight reminded her that every village has a dark side they wanted to hide, a beautiful mask to hide the dirt underneath.

The bridge though, was a place where there was no big picture, only what was in front of her, the river, the trees, and the gate. It was a place where what was the most important thing was that moment, not the future or the past. The sun was high in the sky at the moment, heating the bridge to an uncomfortable temperature. Feeling that the shade was a much better place to relax and calm down, Naru decided the trees was a much better place to enjoy the moment.

The sound of footsteps as well as grumbles made Naru glance over to see what was causing such noise. Her bright eyes dimmed at the sight. It was a genin team consisting of a sensei, two girls, and one boy. She continued to watch as the three genin argued and messed with each other. Their sensei was acting nonchalantly in the background. When he finally paid attention to the three, one girl was nearly in tears, the other was up in arms against the boy. Naru watched in reminiscent as the team that so resembles an innocent Team 7 moved onto a different training ground, leaving her with feelings of remorse and regret.

She was fine, she thought to herself. Everything was fine. She wasn't feeling sad. A tear betrayed her true feelings as it formed and slowly crawled down her cheek. A gentle hand stopped it's decent, wiping away the trail left behind. Blue eyes opened to simple brown eyes. Naru tried to smile but it came out as a grimace more. She closed her eyes and took in deep breaths. When she opened her eyes once more, her entire face shifted. From the slight narrowing of her eyebrows to the pursed lips, her face relaxed and became the happy-go-lucky mask she used so often.

Yet it wasn't fooling him. He saw through her mask and to the hidden sadness underneath. He sighed and mumbled a soft troublesome before he pulled the young lady out of the tree. He said nothing and continued to pull her away from the Bridge and deeper into the woods.

After walking for several minutes, Naru had to ask, "Where are we going?"

Shikamaru didn't pause to answer. He only continued walking.

"Shikamaru, where are you taking me?" Now she was getting annoyed. She might not mind Shikamaru but his silence was starting to bug her. She yanked her hand away from his grip, even though he was only holding her gently.

Shikamaru looked back and sighed. He held out his hand, beckoning for Naru to place her hand in his. "Come on." He said it in a dry tone.

"Where are we going?" Naru placed her hands on her hips and glared slightly at him.

"You'll know when we get there."

Puffing with anger, Naru was about to turn away when she noticed something about Shikamaru. His eyes were worried but he still held out a hand, an invitation for her. He might pose as relaxed and uncaring, but his eyes showed everything that was hidden, just like her. Rolling her eyes once, she allowed herself to place a hand in his and follow him to wherever it was he was leading her. Only after she placed her hand in his, Naru realized just how much she trusted the pineapple head. She trusted him almost as much as she had once trusted him. But she wanted to trust Shikamaru. He was too closely entwined with her life; she didn't want him to betray her like he did.

The walk ended in an opening. If Naru was a romantic, she would be disappointed. There were no flowers, only a circular opening with trees lining the edge. There was one tree that caught her attention though, it had a hollow trunk. Shikamaru let go of her hand and made his way to the trunk. He reached in, pulled something out, and turned back to face the blonde. In his hands was a Shogi set. He sat down and started to set things up.

Naru was confused. What were they doing in the middle of the woods and with a shogi set?

"Shikamaru?"

He looked up at her and gestured for her to sit down. Naru slowly sat down, opposite of her friend.

"You've never played Shogi, right?" He asked her even though he already knew the answer to it.

Naru nodded her head slowly, eyeing the table and pieces with curiosity.

"Well, it's never too late to learn."

That was when Naru knew what he was trying to do. She needed to move on, he was willing to give her, teach her something to distract herself from the past. He didn't need to know what happened to know that she needed to cheer up. Doing what he did best, he was there to be her distraction. Naru smiled as she started to ask questions. Yet she also knew that the past was her shadow and wherever she went, that shadow would always follow.

0o0o0o0o0o

He didn't know when it started. Maybe when Asuma died and left behind Kurenai. Maybe when she first came back from being years away. Maybe even earlier. Naru was an enigma to him and he was always fond of puzzles. Once something caught his attention, his attention would remain on it until he managed to solve it. Naru was an endless puzzle, her likes, her dislikes. She was an endless spiral of puzzles, one leading to another, around and around in a circle. Shikamaru was entranced with her.

He knew she was fixated on the Uchiha. It was in the way she said his name, the way her eyes dimmed and glowed at the mention of his name. He knew he held no hope as long as Sasuke remained in Konoha. Yet, when the Uchiha announced he would remain with Oto, Shikamaru felt bloodlust for the first time. He felt the need for vengeance before when he went after Asuma's killer. He felt hatred before. But he had never felt bloodlust like he did at that one moment.

He was keeping an eye on both Naru as well as Sasuke during that announcement. The moment he said he would stay with Oto, Naru's eyes widened before they closed. He was close enough to hear the single whimper that escaped her lips before she sealed them. Her nails were drawing blood from her hands and her neck tense. Shikamaru had turned to fully glare at the once classmate and once fellow genin. He was angry, upset, and he wanted to punch the idiot in the face. All for her because he knew it was because of Sasuke, she turned into hollow husk of what she once was.

She wasn't living. She was just there. Of course she went on missions and completed them without a problem. But that doesn't mean she was living. She didn't laugh anymore. She barely smiles anymore. Shikamaru missed the Naru that was growing into an adult, the true Naru, not this run down diluted version of her.

As the months passed by after his mission to return her back to normal, Shikamaru enjoyed the time he had with her. He took her to the spot where he found as a child. It was place that only a certain few knew of, the number could be counted on one hand with fingers to spare. She was the only woman who knew of the spot. She was also the only one who knew things about himself that only Choji knew.

He thought he was making progress with Naru. He thought he had a chance. He thought she had moved on. He thought she could have loved him.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Be with me."

The silence that followed was deafening. Naru turned from her spot on the ground to face her friend, her best friend. "…Shika?"

He sighed before he sat up. He didn't face her yet. "You were always a little slow." A soft protest came from Naru but she was silenced when Shikamaru faced her with serious eyes. "I love you."

With sad blue eyes, Naru sat up to face him. She placed a soft hand on his cheek before she smiled sadly. "You don't love me Shikamaru. You can't love me."

He covered her hand with his own. "I love you Uzumaki Naru." He smirk a bit as he held her hand. "I think I've been in love with you for a while." Naru gently removed her hand from his and abruptly stood facing away from her friend.

"Naru?"

"I want to. I really want to love you." Her soft voice was unexpectedly loud in the silent surrounding. She turned and faced the man. "But I can't. I can't love you. Because I loved and still love him." Trails of tears crawled down her face. Her shoulders were slouched and her face resigned.

Shikamaru stood up and walked towards her. With each step he made, she stepped back. Keeping the distance between them the same, never closer, never further. He sighed and he shook his head. "No chance at all?" He knew the answer. After her admittance of love still for the Uchiha, he could only wish she might move on later in life. His hopes were shattered when Naru slowly shook her head. "None at all. Well, damn." He really wanted a smoke then. The nicotine would have helped with the feelings of rejection but he gave up that habit after he started to meet up with Naru.

His brown eyes hardened for one second before he disappeared from her sight. One minute he was 5 feet away, the next he had his arms wrapped around her in an embrace. Naru froze at his touch before she relaxed into his hold. She hugged him back with all her strength and her tears continued to fall.

"Maybe, if things were different, I could have loved you." She said it so quietly, he barely heard her. He only tightened his hold on her until Naru gently nudged him away. He leaned down and kissed her cheek before he did what his namesake would have done in his situation. Flee like a deer. He shushin out of the clearing and ran.

Now if only his own tears would stop falling down his face…

A/N: What do you think? Hate it? Loved it? Indifferent?