Funny Harry Potter Stuff- Rated R Version
Chapter 1
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life
I'm adding the sheriff of Nottingham in like chapter 3
NG: Hey Voldy! Two xs
V: You are to call me my lord, Master, or Lord Voldemort.
NG: My Voldy pooh, sweetie boo sweetie moldy Voldy boo!
V: What?
NG: I have a plan, and it will definitely help us catch Harry Potter.
V: Really and what is this plan?
NG: Here's Harry Potter, standing up, practicing his magic, whoop-de-doo...then we capture him, on our yacht. Then we slice him up, like salami.
V: We have a yacht? And slice him up! Wizards are not violent psychopaths. Lucius!
LM: Err... we had a yacht since we had your surprise "we failed once again at catching Harry Potter, but we can still have a break because I don't won't to be all stressed out about something that just can't be fixed unless I finally have the guts to fix it, but I'm such a wimp, I'll invite my death eaters to come pity me as I cry my eyes out about my failures" party, remember the letters could hardly fit on the sign. And I agree we are not raging psychopaths well at least not me…
V: Oh yeah. And…What are you imposing?
LM: Oh, just that you are a bit…weird.
F: Lovely point. I caught him sniffing his fingers yesterday.
V: They had barbeque sauce on them! And psychopath? Not me…
LM: Umm... denial is not just a river in Peru.
SS: Egypt. You may look girly but you sure are dumb.
. (Bellatrix is about to drink something.) Don't drink that, Voldemort was trying to poison you.
Ng: Like my wife poisoned herself…
(Everyone looks at the new person)
V: Uh-huh... that's disturbing.
LM: It is…
B: Wow…
SS: Creepy.
V: So…I want pizza. New person, you're in charge of pizza.
SS: Can we have stuffed crust, the ultimate stuffed crust from Pizza Hut?
All in Unison: Mmm...Stuffed crust.
V: Sure, we can stuff as many crust as our runny butts can take.
D: What?
V: Distraction!
SS: I'm thirsty.
V: Fanta- any flavor.
SS: Vanilla Coca Cola.
LM: Butter beer.
NG: Blood, guts, and intestines!
(Everyone glares at NG)
F: Rock on new guy!
V: Well we can have diet blood.
LM: Hmm...If we do have that I think we need less salt in it.
SS: It was excessively salty.
V: I've noticed that the new guy is strange, violent, and emo.
L: (Jumping up and down) Ooo, Ooo! I know! I know!
V: Sit down! Just use your buzzer
(Lucius hits violently on his buzzer yet no sound.)
L: It's broken!
( Fenrir buzzes his)
Fenrir: Who is… Sweeney Todd?
V: Congratulations! You just won Jeopardy!
(confetti explodes from Lucius's buzzer)
V: That's probably why it wasn't working.
L: You think?
SS: No, no celebration! I saw the movie! He's going to kill me!
V: Sweeney…
ST: Yes…
V: You can hate from afar, but no killing.
ST: Okay…
V: I know. Wormtail can you get him a pumpkin juice?
W: Yes, my lord.
ST: He helped kill my wife! (Pointing at Wormtail)
W: He said hate from afar!
ST: Lucky.
V: See it's that easy, Mr. Todd.
ST: (grumbles)
V: Sweeney…as a consolation to the deaths of your foes, will you like playing golf with flamingoes and porcupines? Then afterwards you can screw one of my prostitutes.
ST: are we drinking pineapple juice from turtle shells?
V: We are in fact.
ST: Lovely.
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 2
(The Death Eaters are playing golf with flamingoes and porcupines)
V: Hmm...Snape. Choose a putt for me.
SS: I recommend a pink African flamingo, they hit well, as well as the smallest porcupine for the best shot.
V: Fine, Wormtail handle the porcupine.
W: But it will-
V: excusez-moi?
W: I don't speak French...
ST: Yes you do you wife killing, lady chasing little piece of s-
V: Dude…chill. I did say hate from afar.
ST: Okay.
V: Wormtail you disgust me.
W: Thank you my lord.
V: Thank you?
W: Last week I was a no more than a speck of paprika in your soup.
V: Really?
W: and sniveling piece of sh-.
ST: shee-
V: Sweeney! This is a T rated fan fiction. Chill out!
B: What's that smell?
(Everyone sniffs)
V: Smells like fat kids, red heads, short guys- not you Mundungus , and …Potter?
(Harry bursts in with a humongous explosion behind him.)
H: I'm here to kill you Tom.
V :( whispering) Quick everyone act like it's your first time seeing him.
(Everyone acts like they just saw him)
V: Hi, I'm Lord Voldemort. Have I threatened your life before?
H: What? Of course you have, ever since I was one.
SS: Hey…I think I know you from that taco place in…Tacoma?
H: Um...I'm Harry Potter? You all want me impaled on a spear…well, not you snape because-
SS: Shut up. They don't need to know.
V: Hmm...Doesn't ring a bell? Ring a bell to any of you?
(Death eaters shake their heads)
H: I'll be leaving then…
V: Wait…I have something to tell you, Hair-eee Pot-err.
H: Yes, Lord Voldemort?
V: Avada Kedavra!
A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 3
(Bellatrix is talking to Voldy in his office.)
V: Okay, Bellatrix. What did you get me for my birthday?
B: My toenails in a jar, and my hair in a fluffy sweater.
V: Okay… Bella why would you do that?
B: Love.
V: Sit on the other side of the room.
(Bellatrix sits on the opposite side of the room. She is writing a letter.)
V: All right, now that Potter is dead, I can worry about what I am going to do about this house. We need it remodeled into a thousand bedroom mansion, with eight hundred- Bellatrix what are you doing?
B: Sending you a letter…Read it.
(Voldemort opens letter.)
V: "Dear Voldy Pooh, I watched you while you slept, and smelled your robes. You smell like peppermint and pumpkins. Is it your body wash or your natural scent-" Bella! Why were you in my room?
B: …
V: Clearly, we are going to need to set some boundaries. There will be no odd robe sniffing, no weird letters, and no-
(Bellatrix is rubbing Voldemort through his robes. Voldemort is staring at her)
B: ( looks up) Hi. (Continues rubbing)
V: Hey…don't wanna ruin your fun but stop it. I thought I said no touching me.
B: You said I can't sniff your robes, so I can RUB your trousers, shirts, socks, and other materials.
V: All right, no touching anything that is in my possession. Please leave me alone.
B: Oh…Can I take one mismatch sock, or tie, or shoe…
V: (sighs) Accio Sock. Wait, I don't even wear socks…( hands her a dirty napkin)
B: (Bellatrix rubs napkin on her face) Anything will do. Thanks.
Chapter 2
Sleepover
V: Okay since everyone is here, we can start on the fun. The makeovers or pillow fight first?
F: Pillow fight.
L: Makeovers!
SS: Pillow Fight.
ST: Pillow fight. So I can beat a certain judge to…
(Everyone is staring at him)
ST: I mean…makeovers… whoo?
V: Okay, makeovers! Snape, get the nail polish.
SS: Wouldn't be cool if all of our nails would match?
V: Yeah… let's go with pink.
D: Yellow.
F: orange
L: purple
ST: Blood- red.
(Everyone is staring at him, frightened this time)
ST: Chartreuse?
V: Uh-huh…
L: Can we put decorations on?
V: Duh silly.
F: Stars and Hearts.
L: I have a diamond set…
ST: I bought glitter.
All but ST: Glitter?
V: What type?
ST: This bone colored glittered, that shimmers in the light.
SS: Oh… can I see?
V: We're all going to wear it.
(They finish their nails)
L: I've noticed this glitter looks like powder. Like someone actually ground someone's bones…
ST: nice right?
L: Yeah…nice.
D: He's weird.
L: Yeah…
Part 2
(Draco, Severus, Fenrir, Lucius, and Voldemort, Sweeney are sitting around a magical fire, telling a story.)
D: And then, the magical cranberry ate the chicken leg… the chicken's family never knew that cranberries had mouths.
L: What was that? A magical cranberry… I told Narcissa one drop on the head was enough for a child to go crazy, but no-she's a Black!
ST: See, childhood head dropping is dangerous.
SS: says the creepy guy making references to killing judges.
ST: says the creeper judge who is infatuated with a woman ¾ his age.
D: (to the tune of Barbie Girl) Distract, distraction, distract, distraction, distraction, distraction…
V: Sweeney…hate from afar?
ST: (sighs)
SS: Once upon a time, a wizard went into Borgin& Burks, and he saw the most horrible thing in his life…
F: Wizards?
D: Harry Potter?
L: Unfashionable shoes?
ST: Nellie Lovett?
V: Half Bloods?
(Harry pops up out of nowhere) Hypocrite!
V: Shut up you!
(Harry disappears)
SS: No… sham-poo.
V: Severus…excuse me for being mean, but do you even know what shampoo is?
SS: All I know is that it's gross.
L: You don't wash your hair?
V: Wow Lucius where have you been all through the Harry Potter series. You are like seriously stupid. Does it hurt being that much of an idiot?
L: At least my teeth don't look like rat teeth, and look like I eat yellow crayons for dessert.
V: Weirdo.
L: At least I don't have a snake face…
V: Grrr…
L: Grrr back.
Fenrir: Super, super, I'm super, super girl
SS: Umm…
V:…
L:…
V: Draco, provide us with a distraction?
L: Yeah…
ST: That's weird. (Laughing)
D: Absolutely
SS: Okay.
D: ( To the tune of Barbie Girl) Distract, distraction, distract, distraction, distraction, distraction…
Chapter 3
( the sheriff of Nottingham is one of Voldemort's friends)
V: Welcome to my bake off. As you see, I am wearing a girl's blouse. It is only because the laundry backfired, and Bellatrix offered me her shirt.
( death eaters open their mouths)
V: No people she doesn't have boob crabs.
( death eaters sigh)
SON: Awww….
L: Why are you wearing a purple shirt? It's really not your color.
V: Why are you such an idiot? My tone works perfectly well with purple.
L: No it doesn't and you realize all of Bellatrix's shirts are infested with STDs and all her lacerating cooties?
V: She doesn't- ( touches face, and licks his hand)I'll be back.
SON: ( to Sweeney) Why did he lick his fingers?
ST: I don't know, but we'll ask him.
SN: NO! I'm shy and I'm afraid he won't give me a cookie!
LM: HE PROMISED YOU A COOKIE!
SN: ( sticks tongue out) and you can't have any.
(Voldemort changes into normal robes and sits at the table.)
V: Alright, tell me Pious what did you bring?
ST: ( raising his hand)
V: Yes little school boy.
ST: Why'd you lick your fingers?
V: Bella has odd habits.
ST: Like?
V: ( whispers something into Sweeney's ear. Sweeney's face screws up.)
ST: Oh My Broodiness. And I thought she was a freak show.
V: Back to you Pious.
P: a pecan log.
ST: Ooo… sweet yummy delicious mounds of pecan, and yummy.
SN: I brought my pet chick slave.
SS: that's nice.
V: (wrinkles already invisible nose) Ewww. What's in it?
SN: teenage cooties, HIV, the plague, and I pretty sure she has crabs.
P: peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate, and … marshmallows.
V: Why does it smell gross?
SN: She never likes to wash down there. That's just one of the reasons she smells like a pig with a vaginal disease.
P: I burnt it. Sorry, my lord.
V: Pious you realize that you are a talent less slug, and that you didn't add any pecans?
SN: You weren't talking to me?
P: Yes, my lord. I do realize that I am quite stupid.
SN: I wanna show you my pet chick slave.
ST: Yeah…stupid. No, pecans in the pecan log.
SS: Why do pronounce it peck-in?
ST: I don't know…why'd you steal my daughter?
SN: My- You stole his daughter?
SS: Yeah. You have a pet chick slave?
SN: Duh.
SS: That's psychotic!
ST: You stole his daughter.
SS: touché .Carry on with your chick slave collecting.
V :( sighs) You two are going to be such good friends. Lucius, what did you bring?
L: My lord, I brought extra deluxe chocolate chip large sized peanut butter and walnut cookies.
V: How many chocolate chips in one cookie?
L: 2,000.
V: Bella, call my dentist. How many cookies?
L: Oh… you wanted to eat them. I just have cardboard cutouts. And the script that comes with it.
V: ( his mouth is wide open) oh…my…evilness. You are one dumb bunny. You idiot!
L: Snake face!
W: My lord, you are allergic to peanut butter. And walnuts give you the runs.
V: ( huffs) Well, did everyone need to know that? Peanut noodles give me the runs. You should know since you have my name bookmarked under Google search.
W: Oh… You actually read my diary?
V: That's right you silly little rat. Scurry along, and don't touch my cheese.
SS: What a minute. Why do I smell burning apples?
(Everyone sniffs)
V: Oh… my…badness! Wormtail my apples crumble is burning in that reject oven you bought me for my birthday. Fix it, or I'll Crucio so badly, you speak Swahili. Whatever that is.
SN: I pretty sure it's a pastry.
V: Really! Nice… next time I visit Swahiliglend I'll ask for Swahili.
SS: I'm allergic to apple.
V: Oh…Severus, we were going to have a pie contest. Too bad, we can have acid pops.
Everyone: Ooo… Acid pops.
Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO EAT ACID POPS.
(Everyone looks at Draco, Fenrir starts poking the pecan log.)
F: I think it's alive.
V: Pious, did you charm your non-pecan pecan log to move?
Draco: I WILL NOT PUT ONE ACID POP INTO MY MOUTH.
Pious: Well…Kind of…Maybe…Yeah…Sorry?
V: !
SN: Oh really. ! Ha!
V:. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SN: I really didn't wanna do this to you , but- ! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, and wait for it
( death eaters waiting for it)
SN: HA!
V: impressive. Now, Draco, why do you hate acid pops?
D: I don't like acid. It stings.
V: Draco, usually acid burns… That's just chemistry.
SS: Chemistry? I love chemistry. And I'm not talking but emotion.
B: I am, I mean what better chemistry is there than the chemistry of the heart? (Winks and blows a kiss at Voldemort, then at Sweeney who's making a cross with his fingers)
V: (shakes head, and continues on the restraint order)… And to stay four feet away from me… at all cost.
ST: And away from me…
V: Sure. And away from Sweeney.
SN: She can get close to me… I like a kinky girl.
Wormtail: We have a late guest, Rodopholous Lestrange.
V: I thought you were fixing my apple crumble… why were you at the front door?
W: cheese?
V: Wormtail… (Sighs, and begins to fill out for a new mouse trap)
(Sweeney begins to take out his razor)
V: From afar.
Part 3
RL: My wife is here?
V: Sadly, yes. You know there are leash laws.
SN: Where I rule there was always a leash law.
SS: That's because there were always chicks like Bella.
RL: Oh…That's why I was here. To give her the leash.
L: Isn't that kinda kinky? Like bondage.
V: How would you know?
SN: You don't seem the naughty type.
L: Cissa, and I have a little fun every now and then.
V: I thought I was a super freak because I tie girls up.
L: Oh you are.
RL: ( ties Bellatrix to a chair.) Be good.
B: ( barks)
V: Accio Law book… " All feral dogs must be on a sixteen inch leash." It's not kinky it's a law.
RL: Absolutely.
L: Damn it.
Chapter 5, part 1
(Voldemort is examining his toenails when Harry Potter pops into the room)
V: What! I thought I killed you!
H: I thought you did too.
V: I clearly remember killing you because my Death Eaters and I were playing golf with flamingos and porcupines. I dropped my pineapple juice and it got all over my foot. And the turtle shell broke in half. Sweeney was running away, and while I was speaking to you, I was thinking about last night's dinner, and how it went straight through me. I was reminding myself that I needed a few bottles of Pepto Bismol. Wait, why are you alive?
H: Well, one moment I was in this tomb, and the other moment I was walking with my dad, then I fell on my butt, and I started to cry because I fell on my back bone. I saw this house and was like… "Doesn't Voldemort live here?" So I walk in and sat down in your parlor, some elf was like, "Ahh, Winky thought Mr. Potter was dead!"-
V: Hmm… Want a crumpet; I'd like to discuss something with you.
(Serious…Black… music in the back ground.)
H: I wasn't done-
V: Do you like my toenail color?
H: What? I still wasn't done-
V: Answer the question… ANSWER THE QUESTION.
H: Fine, fine. But pink isn't your color, the creepy blue works well.
V: creepy blue?
H: yes it's that blue that makes you more disturbing and creep-a-licious than usual.
V: Aww… Next question. Do you like my hair?
H: What hair you're a bald psychotic man.
V: Am not, see if I do this spell I learned last night I get a head full of hair.
H: Well, I think that your non-existent hair is perfect, send me your hair tips, go on TV, advertise it, and when all your fame wanes away and your just a powerful dictator… write me into your memoir as the "Boy- who- lived- eighteen times". Counting this time-
V: Are you mocking me?
H: Yes I am mocking you, and yes I do hate your nails. Mostly because-
V: thank you for adding to the list of things I cry about at night.
H: (whispers) Bellatrix is normal now. ( Screams) rude!
Part 2
Snape: What is that mysterious ticking noise?
Snape (mumbling): Not over here, not over there…
(Stops and looks to his left and right)
Snape: Kinda…catchy.
(Continues bobbing, and now starts talking to a beat)
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!
(Loop continues again, and then Ron pops up)
Ron: (as Snape is talking) Ron, Ron, Ron WEASLEY!
(His loop continues as such, and after another, Hermione pops up)
Hermione: Hermione, Hermione!
(Others loop)
Hermione: Hermione! Hermione, Hermione.
(Harry pops up while Hermione joins the loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!
(Others loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, that's me!
(Looping stops)
(Back and forth, progressively faster)
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Harry: Harry!
Snape: Snape!
Dumbledore: DUMBLEDORE!
Hermione: Her…mione!
(Looping begins again)
Harry: Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter.
(Others loop)
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Potter.
(Looping stops)
All: Singing' our song, all day long at HOOOOG…WAAARTS!
Ron: I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!
Harry and Hermione: Yayyyy!
(Dumbledore and Snape look at each other)
(Ticking stops, a huge, fake looking explosion happens.
(Voldemort pops up)
Voldemort: Muhuhuhahahaha!
(Voldemort starts tapping his wand on the stage)
Voldemort: (To the tune of The Chordettes' song Lollipop) Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldemort!
Part 3
B: Hey Voldemort. I like your hair. It's soft and cute, and there on your head. Oh and you too Sweeney I especially love your hair.
V: I'm bald. I have like no hair at all.
B: Not even on your-
V: No!
B: I dig your baldness. And I can brood with you.
ST: Go away.
V: Are you still taking your meds?
B: You mean the medication I threw in the great lake?
V: You threw your meds in the great lake?
ST: (to the tune of Amazing Grace) brooding, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-
B: Duh. They said side effects are floating.
V: I worry about you.
ST: brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-
B: He worries about me! I'm so putting this in my diary.
V: Bella, let's get something straight. I don't love you, will never love you, and prefer if you stay 100 yards away from me.
ST: I agree!
B: I still have that sock you gave me.
V: Bella, I told you I don't wear socks. I gave you a dirty napkin.
ST: She means from me, and I want my sock back.
B: But I still have that tissue I stole… from Voldemort I mean.
V: You stole a tissue… from my waste basket?
B: yep. It makes a lovely tampon.
V: You put my …in your…Please return my snot.
B: You sneezed into it? Voldemort's germs and lubrication? Bonus!
ST: Don't mind me, but I'm going to brood to a new tune.
V: I feel so dirty.
ST: (beat it tune) brooding, brooding, everyone loves my brooding, that's what makes me a memorable person, because I like brooding, brooding, brooding, brooding
V: What's next Bella? You're going to collect anything that comes from me? (Looks warily at Bella) Forget I said that.
B: Said what?
(Sweeney looks at the ceiling)
B: What are you looking at?
ST: Gum… on your ceiling. That had better not be my gum.
B: It is though.
V: How did you work that out?
B: Well, first I stole some chewed on gum from Draco's room, and swapped it with yours. I only chewed on it from a half an hour. Just to know what kind of gum you liked.
V: And you couldn't have asked him?
B: What fun is that?
V: Bella, let's review what we learned today. One, we don't and will never love you. Two, you're a nut job. In addition, three you're quite obsessive.
B: He said I was obsessive with love.
V: Bella…
B: He said my name with love.
V: I don't love you.
B: He said he doesn't love me… with love.
V :( Crucioes Bellatrix)
ST: why didn't I think of that?
B: (while screaming) He's Crucio-ing me… (Voldemort and Bella pause) with love.
V: 0-o
B: why are you so quiet poochie-face? I'm talking to Sweeney.
ST: I'm not your Poochie Face, Mr. Todd, or Pumpkin
B: Do you prefer to be called my sweet tart?
V: (Grabs Sweeney runs far as possibly away from Bellatrix, starts on a new restraint order)
B: Wait… (Runs after them) You're my honeybunch, sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie
Part 4
Hermione: Where can Harry be? Hmm…How do you see the clubhouse! I have an idea!
(Takes out her wand)
H: Miska Mooska Mickey Mouse
( Mickey Mouse clubhouse music)
Her: D-e-a-t-h-h E-a-t-e-r, 2xs. It's the Death Eaters Clubhouse, come inside, its fun in side; it's the Death Eater's clubhouse come inside its fun inside, roll call, Voldy
V: Here!
Her: Sweeney!
ST: Here!
Hermione: Snape!
SS: Present!
Her: And Draco!
D: Here!
(Clubhouse appears)
(Sweeney steps outside to see Hermione)
Her: Oh…That was odd. I could of tried saying "open says me" but okay.
ST: Hey, Bushy.
Her: Really?
ST: K-yep.
Her: k-yep?
ST: Yeah, I mean who else does that? Its gonna be my thang…
Her: Do you know where Harry is? I've been sitting out here waiting for Harry to come out.
ST: Harry is giving a chimpanzee a blowjob.
Her: Why is he doing that?
ST: The Dark Lord told him to. It'll only be a few minutes now. When I saw him he deep-throating.
Her: Huh. I'll come back later.
ST: Harry's honestly sucking off a chimpanzee in the basement. He really seemed to like it.
Hermione: really?
ST: yeah. Harry's one freaky guy.
Her: Okay then. Should I come around tea time?
ST: That'll be lovely.
Part 5
(Bellatrix is drawing a heart with Sweeney's name in glitter)
B: To my first pookie bear I love you with sparkles AND glitter.
V: Hey Bella. Drawing a little picture. A little picture for Mr. Todd. Picture with two people.
B: yeah. He said he'd make a deal with me. I feel so enthusiastic about this. You know sure. I00%. Absolute? Positive
V: Bella I get it. What's this deal he's asked you about
B: none of your earwax. But you don't have earwax because you don't have ears.
V: Yes I do. I just don't have a nose.
B: Alrighty nosey-boy.
V: Don't call me that, and are you rubbing his jacket against your unspeakable.
B: Yes.
V: Bella, why are you doing that?
B: Love and pleasure.
V: At least it's not my- ( notices white gunk on his robes) I feel so dirty…again.
B: I did too when I did it yesterday.
(After lunch)
ST: I'll marry you.
B/ ML: Really? ( dancing insanely) I'm gonna have his babies, I'm going to have his babies, babies, babies
ST: on one condition.
B: I'm gonna,-( stops dancing)
ST: Kill Snape -as you call him.
B: You know that Snape is also the Sheriff.
ST: Awww. I like him, he's…. fun. So kill Snape , and make sure the sheriff is happy.
B: Alright. ( back to dancing) I'm gonna have his babies.
(In Snape's room)
S: Hey, Bella. Wanna biscuit?
B: Yes-no- I mean yes, but no-I have to kill you.
SS: Why? You know at the end-
SN: ( makes obnoxious noises) I'm a fan. I haven't seen or read it. Don't ruin it for me!
SS: Fine, fine. Why do you have to kill me?
B: I wanna marry Mr. Todd. I had a whole song in the movie about me wanting to marry him.
SS: Can I pretend to be dead?
B: Hide in my closet, and hiss whenever you smell his sad, gloominess.
SS: Okay.
B: Right now I need you to gurgle and scream like you did in the movie because I mean he has to conviced.
SS What about blood?
B: I'll say I cleaned it. Scourgify.
SS: But-
B: trust me big nosed guy.
SS: (touches his nose) sure.
(Back to Mr. Todd's room)
B: Marry me now?( like an excited puppy)
ST: Yep.
B: Um…can we be a bit more formal about this?
ST: Nope.
B: I really wanna-
ST: I SAID NOPE! WITH A CAPITAL NOPE.
B: 0-o
ST: Go be a fiancé somewhere.
B: Boo-yah! Mission: Fiancé- ing.
Part 6
B: Hey Voldy.
V: Bella, aren't you married already?
B: Yeah. But I still will always love you. Although you always were into me.
V: Bella I was talking about Rodopholous.
B: Let me sing a little song for you.
(Lights dim dramatically)
B: If I were to stay, I would only be in your way-
V: Bella, I'm not affected but I think-
B: so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way-
V: The music just changed
B: And I- will always, love you-, will always love you.
V: That's weird and this isn't a musical.
B: It can be.
V: Draco cue the dramatic lights and new title sequence.
Part 1
D: I have seen the world – well most of it-beheld its wonders from the Dardanelles- whatever they are- to the mountains of Peru, but there's nose like Voldy's.
ST: No there's nose like Voldy's.
D: Are you trying cramp my happy space?
ST: Kinda. You have no wrinkles, the world has been kind to you
D: actually I fell off my broom-
ST: shut up, and stick to the script. You will learn.
D: No! Why else do you think I dropped out of Hogwarts! To get away from learning!
ST: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the vile of the world inhabit it, and its mauls-
D: Ooo. Shopping!
ST: … aren't worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of London.
D: I thought London was a place of lemon drops and candy filling. And hot Victoria Secret models.
ST: you thought wrong. But I did see a few chicks with some big-
D: ( Sees a building covered in snow) is that London?
ST: No, Can I finish my song?
D: Yeah.
ST: At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo, turning beauty into greed , I too have sailed the world seen it's wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous a Peru, but there's no place like London.
D: London seems less happy now. ( Sees Island were they look as if they had a war, but are smiling and passing out candy.) That almost fits your emo metaphor. Is that London?
ST: No.
D: Alright continue.
ST: There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful.
D: does this have anything to do with you? I mean I am from a whole other series.
ST: A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful.
D: She must be extra hot.
ST: Stop drooling! And she was virtuous and he was naïve. There was another man that saw that she was beautiful, a pious
D: Like the Death Eater.
ST: Draco, I'm talking about a holy guy of the law. And with a gesture from his claw, removed the barber from his plate, then there was nothing but to wait, and she would fall so soft,
D: like cotton candy
ST: so young,
D: like me
ST: so lost,
D: like a puppy
ST: and oh so beautiful.
D: Hmm… Victoria Secret beautiful.
ST: Yeah.
D: Anything else?
ST: Oh that's London. ( Points at a island with dim lights, and gloomy gothic buildings)
D: Oh. That's-
ST: depressing.
D: Wow. Hey… I lived in London for all my life.
ST: We just did the opening to Sweeney Todd for no reason.
D: I know. Back to Harry Potter references.
Part 2- The Wedding
SN: Before I start are there any objections?
( Sweeney raises his hand)
V: ignoring Mr. Barker.
ST: Who told you my name?
V: People. Look I don't have thirty minutes to waste… I happen to have a wench waiting, so I'll be reading quick nuptials.
ST: Alright.
SN: Do you Nellie Lovett take – BENJAMIN BARKER!- to be your lawfully wedded husband?
NL: Well… I had my own vows written…
SN: Bella… five minutes.
NL: Benny, I knew you for all the time that screwball wife of yours was married to you. I absolutely loved you then and absolutely hate your wife. She's dumber than twin rocks, and is uglier than a baboon's behind. Look at me , I mean my boobies shame hers. And look at this ass. Grade A honey, grade A.
SN: She does have a nice ass- a Beyonce' ass. BENJAMIN BARKER!- do you take Nellie Lovett to be your lawfully wedded wife?
ST: ( nods)
SN: alright, by the power invested in state farm and safe Auto… And that guy from glee , and Morgan Freeman, and Captain jack sparrow-
ST: finish it up!
SN: Oh, and that dude from CSI Miami, the one with the shitty jokes, I pronounce you witch and weird guy. You can now kiss the bride.
ST: What about God?
SN: oh , and Him too. Kiss your bride go ahead.
ST: (shivers)
NL: come here( grabs him and kisses him)
ST: Okay, I feel so violated.
SN: So cute.
NL: song?
V: um yeah.
Part 3
NL:. Mr. Todd I'm so happy, I can eat you up I really could, do you know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd after the reception. Where I'd really like to go. In an hour or so. Don't you wanna know?
BB: Actually no.
NL: Do you really wanna know?
BB: Umm…no.
NL: By the sea, , that's the sex I covet, by the sea Mr. Todd, oh, I know you'll love it, you and me, Mr. T-
BB: Mr. T?
NL: We can fuck alone in a house that we totally own, by the sea, with our bodies smashing.
BB: I know what would be smashing , Mrs. Lovett, if someone smashed your head in a door.
NL: Baby…We're married call me Nellie.
BB: Nellie, how come you are singing this song again?
NL: Just because (singing) I Love you, yes I love you.
BB: Okay….continue
NL: Think how nice it will be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me and the erotic channels, in our cozy retreat, it won't be tidy, a few chums join us every Friday.
BB: Every Friday.
NL: I'm a kinky girl. By the sea, do you like me in leather.
ST: You? In Latex. Oh, hell naw.
NL: by the sea; we'll have fun together, by the seaside, Ooo, by the beautiful sea.
BB: Do we have to finish the song?
NL: Yes. It'll won't be so quiet that all come by it except a seagull, Ooo ,Ooo, we shouldn't try it until it's legal for two, OUR rumpled bedding legitimized, me eyes lids a flutter the moment I mutter I do.
( music)
BB: where's that coming from?
NL: By the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea we can use your chopper, to the seaside, Ooo by the beautiful sea.
BB: By the way I hate the sea.