A little random ficlet that I came up with in class today... My friends wanted me to talk out a story for them and this is what I ended up with. Voldemort turned out a little OOC, but that's what makes the story. Personally, I think it lost a lot between my talking it out and actually making it onto the computer, 'specially the voices. I had such an AWESOME Snape voice-right.
And I don't own anything, 'cept some of the noses.
Severus Nose Best
Lord Voldemort did not have a nose.
He knew he shouldn't let this bother him as much as it did, but he felt it was his civic duty as Britain's resident dark lord to satisfy and terrify his followers and enemies with an awe-inspiring nose.
Voldemort decided to get one. He realized that such a menial task was ill-fitting to one of his stature. So, he would relegate it to one of his followers. And who better fitting to this than Severus Snape?
Voldemort called Snape to him at once.
When Snape arrived, Voldemort was standing in front of a mirror, prodding at his nose—or lack of nose thereof.
"You called, my lord?" Snape monotoned.
Voldemort snapped to attention. "Yes! Snape! Glad you could make it!"
"Erm… thank you, my lord?"
"You should be. Now I have a task for you. I need you… to get me…" Voldemort paused for dramatic effect. "A nose!"
"A nose, my lord?"
"Exactly. I have decided that it is my duty to acquire a nose. And I've picked you for the job!" Voldemort looked inordinately pleased with himself.
"Is this an order, my lord?"
"Yes. It's an order. Now go and get me a nose, and don't come back until you have one, or you will face a quick and imminent doom. Go on, skedaddle!"
"Certainly, my lord." Snape skedaddled out of there.
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The next day, Voldemort was once again peering intently into the mirror, frowning slightly as he contemplated his missing facial feature.
"I have done as you ordered, my lord." Snape grumbled.
Voldemort formed a telescope with his hands and observed Snape from behind it. "Well? Where is it?"
Snape reached into his robes and pulled out a clay-colored lump. "Here it is, my lord. I fashioned it after my own nose."
"Excellent work, Severus," Voldemort intoned, suddenly sounding menacing. "Well, put it on, then."
Snape stuck the nose on Voldemort, who skipped to the mirror ecstatically—before the nose crumbled off his face into dust.
"SEVERUS!" Voldemort shrieked. "WHERE IS MY NOSE? IT WAS HERE JUST A SECOND AGO! I SAW IT!"
"I'm sorry, my lord. It appears as if the clay nose won't work."
"Well, get me another one! And fast! Or I'll… I punish you! Severely!"
Severus ducked a flying china plate.
"Of course, my lord." He left.
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Snape returned the next day with his next attempt. He found Voldemort torturing a house elf—in his bedroom—before clearing his throat to announce his presence.
"Severus, eeeeeeex-cellent…" Voldemort hissed, elongating his vowels. "What have you brought me?"
"This, my lord." Snape flourished a white flaky lump.
"How does it stick, Severus?" Voldemort snarled as he took the substitute nose from Snape and examined it closely.
"I believe this Muggle substance called 'Super Glue' will adhere it to your face, my lord." Snape showed him a small bottle. "I have tested it, and it is extremely strong."
"Get on with it."
Snape globbed on the entire contents of the bottle onto the white… thing… before turning and offering it to Voldemort, who snatched it before slamming it onto his face.
Unfortunately for him, he missed. And hit his eye.
"Auuuugh!" he screamed. "My eye! It BURNS! Get it off!" Voldemort grabbed his wand and pointed it as his face: "Incendio!"
He missed again. And hit his other eye.
"It seems the Styrofoam is extremely durable…" Severus mused.
"Severus, I require another nose!" Voldemort yelped. He ran around in circles, crashing into the walls.
Snape edged towards the door. "I'll just be… going, then… my lord…"
He scurried out of the room, narrowly avoiding a badly-aimed Crucio.
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Snape warily entered Voldemort's room the next day, ready to dodge any incoming curses. He needn't have worried.
Voldemort lounged on the bed, relaxing as house elves finger-fed him chocolate.
"I'm here, my lord." Severus moaned. "I've brought another nose."
"Huh? Oh, yes, Severus." Voldemort peeled two cucumber slices from his eyes and shooed the house elves away. He then grabbed a strip of black silk and blindfolded himself before laying back down.
"What have you brought me?"
"I have brought a nose that compares to Albus Dumbledore's, my lord." "No! I don't want a Dumbledore nose!"
"Are you sure, my lord?" Snape asked, fingering the long, crooked stick lovingly. "I'm sure it would look marvelous on you…"
"NO! There is NO way I'll wear a Dumbledore nose! Fetch me another, and make it good this time, or I'll leave you to your impeding doom!"
Snape skeptically watched as Voldemort reached for his wand. Could he see, or-
"Crucio!" shrieked Voldemort. He missed Snape, who made fake muffled grunts of pain as Voldemort held the curse on his rapidly cracking mirror.
Apparently not.
Voldemort eventually ended the curse with a satisfied expression. "That should teach you your place. Leave me!"
Snape sighed. "Yes, my lord."
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Snape did not return the next day.
Or the next.
In fact, he did not come back until a week had passed.
When Snape did show up, panting and exhausted, he promptly collapsed on the floor.
Voldemort towered over him, a vexed expression on his face. "What. Took. You. So. Long."
"I… apologize… my lord…" Snape choked out. "I dragged… the half-breed's… nose… all the way from… Hogwarts…"
Voldemort coolly raised an eyebrow. "You didn't think to use the Floo network or to apparate?"
Snape paused in his exhaustion. "Erm. No, my lord."
"This had better be worth the wait, Severus."
"I assure you, my lord, it is."
Snape produced a small bag and opened it. He reached both his arms and his head in, pulling out… a giant fleshy monstrosity. The room suddenly stunk of blood and raw meat.
"You didn't even think to use a lightening charm?"
"No, my lord."
Voldemort wrinkled his nonexistent nose. "Whose nose is this?"
"Rubeus Hagrid's, the half-giant, my lord." Snape wheezed. "I can use a permanent sticking charm to secure it to your head, if you wish."
"Yesssss…" Voldemort sibilantly hissed.
Voldemort bent down and shoved his face into the side of the… thing. Snape pulled out his wand and cast the charm.
"Does this satisfy you, my lord?" Snape asked.
Muffled noises emitted from the lump.
"It does? I must say it suits you, my lord."
The noises became more frantic.
"Thank you, my lord. I'll go now. Enjoy your new nose, my lord."
Voldemort fumbled for his wand but ended up overbalancing, falling on the ground with a thud.
Snape left.
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Snape was called back the very next day to an enraged Voldemort. He arrived at the room… which was now covered in rotten flesh, a foul stench filling the air.
"SNAPE! How dare you leave me?"
"I apologize, my lord. I thought you were pleased with my efforts."
After around twenty minutes, Snape convinced Voldemort that he hadn't meant to leave him in such distress.
"As it so happens, my lord, I do have one more nose. Harry Potter's."
Voldemort perked up immediately. "I want that."
Slowly, oh so slowly, Snape reached into a pocket… deeper… deeper…
"Cut the dramatics," Voldemort snapped. "Just give me the bloody nose already."
"As you wish, my lord." Snape grumbled. He pulled out a small, soft, pale nose.
"Finally," Voldemort breathed. He gently took the nose and affixed it to his face. It molded perfectly to the contours of his skin. The nose even matched his skin color. Voldemort looked proudly into the mirror.
"You have done well, Severus. You will be greatly rewarded!"
"Thank you, my lord." Snape mumbled.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Voldemort cooed to the mirror. "My poor ickle baby nose! What do you think, Severus?" Voldemort glared at Snape and fingered his wand.
"It's, uh, great, my lord?" Snape gulped.
After an hour or so of meaningless compliments, Snape left.
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Voldemort woke up. He felt his face for his nose, smiling as beatifically as was possible for a dark lord. He'd done it. He had a nose.
Wait… he couldn't breathe. What was going on? He was choking, choking… Everything was going black…
Voldemort's last thought was that at least he'd have a nose in the history books.
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Lord Voldemort was found dead 3 days later, sprawled in his lavish bedroom, rotting flesh covering the walls. He was said to have died not-so-peacefully in his sleep.
Snape cackled madly down in the dungeons. He'd finally avenged Lily! The fake nose had been so easy to fill with the Draught of Living Death, laced with a lethal dose of some Muggle poison called cyanide.
He donned a Batman suit and struck a pose before leaving to rid the world of all evil!
End
Random ending, I know.
Review and you get a nose!