Pairing: Touya/Yukito
Fandom: Cardcaptor Sakura
Theme: #1 Look over here (for 30kisses)
Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura is not mine. :o)

Author's Note: I actually don't like CCS too much, because it's too shoujo and magic for my taste. However, Touya/Yuki are the cutest couple I have seen. (so sweet!) So if the characters or plotline seem a little AU, it is because I've never actually watched more than 15 episodes of CCS, and don't know the exact plot. :o)

do you ever notice me?

He doubted Yuki knew. Touya of course knew many things -- things that Yuki would never guess, and Touya supposed that if it were up to him, Yuki would never know.

Touya knew he was slightly obsessed. Yuki was like a sweet addiction. Easy to be infatuated with and only given relief when Touya had more of him. So, Touya found himself always looking at Yukito. It was like a reflex he didn't know he had, nor did he understand its intensity. If a day went by and Touya hadn't see Yuki, he'd find himself anxious and jittery, completely unlike his personality. He wondered if Yuki noticed how he watched him, with a frightening obsession that never seemed to abate. How his eyes seemed to beg 'look over here.' It didn't seem so, because he'd never look back the same way.

Soon though, it wasn't a simiple passive watching. It was something more complex and had a depth to it that he didn't care to explore. Sometimes, he'd find himself with a twisting ache in his chest when watching Yuki talk to his other friends, and it was completely irrational. Touya understood why he needed to have other friends, hell he was popular and had many friends, but the feeling would not go away. He didn't know if he liked it better never being Yuki's friend in the first place.When wondering such dismal thoughts, he'd distance himself a little for a couple of days. He couldn't help it because whenever he was around Yuki, he always felt that his heart was desperately trying to connect two things in his mind that would lead to his understanding. Even though he never quite understood why he felt so helpless, he'd be back to Yuki, unconciously begging for forgiveness.

Yuki was never mad though. Just smiled sweetly and said, "It's okay, To-ya. I understand." But he couldn't. Not really. He didn't understand why Touya had to have space around Yuki. Of course, Touya was never one to run from his problems. But it was this emotion that caused him to feel as though he was drowning. The oxygen taken out of his lungs and the water rising around him. He could see the light above, glimmering at the surface. The haze of his emotions suddenly became clear. And Touya only wished he never would have realized. So, no, Yuki couldn't possibly understand. Not when his heart was threatening to explode everytime Yuki smiled.

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It was some days later since he understood that Yuki cornered him. Asking him things he never wanted to answer. He hadn't expected it and slowly gave in to the panic in his chest. The breath was sucked out of his lungs like a kiss from death. He could distantly hear the echoes of Yuki's voice, calling him back from the edge of darkness. He could never resist Yuki, no matter how hard he tried.

It made the situation worse, though, when he opened his eyes. A gentle, concerned face with a sweet smile. Lips trembling as well as smiling. A slight gleam of tears glossing his eyes. And Touya knew it was madness. It was crazy to feel this way about someone he was supposed to be simply friends with. Yuki, with his eloqent eyes and cheering aura, who could simply never feel the same overwhelming madness and love about Touya that he felt for Yuki.

Touya could feel a dizziness in his mind, a swirl of panic and love and hate all at the same time. He felt a stinging at the back of his eyes because he understood that no matter how much he loved Yuki, Yuki would never feel the same. He hated Yuki for having this power over him. He hated being weak and depending on Yuki because he was the only thing Touya lived for, breathed for.

Touya thought he could feel his heart racing and slowing down to a death pace all at the same time. Wavering between this excitement of being in love and the slow depression that was carving a hollowness in his chest. A soft, sad smile touched Touya's lips as he thought of the truth. Inside, he felt as he was dying, withering away. This black emotion eating away at his soul until there was a hole where his heart used to be. He stretched his lips into a sembelance of a smile, one that seemed genuine and happy and free.

Touya wished Yuki would see through its fakeness. But he didn't. Relief seemed to ease the tense muscles in his friend's body as Touya returned to "normal." Touya always wore a somewhat happy expression since then. Every time he smiled, he wished Yuki would ask what was wrong.

He wished he could ask, Do you ever notice, Yuki? or Do you ever notice me?

He never could.

And at night, in his dreams, he saw the impossible. A sweet kiss shared, a hug that lasted a moment too long. But when he woke up, he always knew the truth of unrequited love. In his heart, he would always tell Yuki: look over here.

And he doubted Yuki knew.