Now I know what it's like to be Siamese twins

by GeraldCLogue

Jake and Rose find themselves in an embarrassing situation on Jake's 18th birthday. Rated M for the nature of the situation. I won't say what, you have to read the story to find out. . . UPDATE : added tag at the end, which uses a gag I always wanted to see used on the show.

TWO AND A HALF MEN

By Eugol Dlareg

I did not create, nor do I own, Two and a Half Men, nor any of the characters in this story, they were created by Chuck Lorre.

"Now I know what it's like to be Siamese twins"

Jake Harper awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. "Hello," he said, answering it, his voice betraying the fact that he was still half asleep.

"Happy birthday, Jake," Nate, one of Jake's friends said. "Got any plans for today?"

"Thanks," Jake said. "Not really, dad's working, mom and Herb are in Vegas, Walden's probably still asleep."

"Who's Walden?" Nate asked.

"He's the guy who bought the beach house after my uncle Charlie died," Jake said. "He sold some program he wrote to Microsoft for like a billion three or something like that."

"Oh, him," Nate said. "Anyways, talk to ya later."

Jake hung up the phone, and realized his hunger overrode his desire to go back to sleep. As he passed through the living room, he saw something out the back window he never expected to see: Rose, his uncle Charlie's one night stand turned stalker turned fiancée, climbing up the balcony. Jake opened the back door and went out to the balcony. "Rose, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"You look surprised to see me," Rose said.

"Well, I didn't think after uncle Charlie's funeral I would ever see you again," Jake said. "Especially not on his balcony. What are you doing here, anyways?"

"I came to give you your birthday present," Rose said.

"But why climb up the balcony?" Jake said.

"Force of habit," Rose said. "Now let's go to your bedroom so I can give you your present."

They went to Jake's room, where Rose closed the door behind them. "Well?" Rose asked, "Don't you want your gift?"

"What gift?" Jake asked.

"This gift," Rose said, removing her coat to reveal that she was naked. She grabbed Jake's head and pulled him towards her, and kissed him as he removed his clothes, and the two of them climbed into Jake's bed, where they had sex. Afterwards, something didn't feel quite right. . .

"I don't believe it," Jake said.

"What's the matter?" Rose asked.

"I'm stuck," Jake said, as panic started to set in. "WALDEN!" Jake screamed.

A minute later, Walden Schmidt was in Jake's bedroom. "What's wrong?" Walden asked, when he saw the compromising position Jake and Rose were in.

"I'm stuck," Jake said. "I need you to take Rose and me to the emergency room, see if there's anything they can do about it."

Within a few minutes, Jake and Rose had hastily wrapped Jake's bed sheets around their bodies, and were taken to the emergency room. They were soon in an examining room, and were waiting for the doctor. "Now I know what it's like to be Siamese twins," Jake said.

"That's what the guy said last time this happened," Rose said.

"This happened to you before?" Jake asked.

"When I was 16," Rose said. "His name was Jeremiah, and he was raised Catholic. I took his virginity in the confessional booth at his church. Boy was he embarrassed when they had to rush us to the emergency room."

A few minutes later, Jake and Rose were seen by the doctor, who managed, with the help of a muscle relaxant administered to Rose, to disengage the two of them. After a short lecture, and the issuance of hospital scrubs, Jake and Rose were released, and left with Walden. "I don't think my dad needs to know about this," Jake said.

"I'm not telling him," Walden said. "If you two want to keep it to yourselves, it's your business."

The next morning, Jake was on the couch watching TV, when Rose came in again. "How you doing today?" she asked. "Not too traumatized over what happened between us, are you?"

"Nah," Jake said. "In fact, I think it makes a pretty funny story, especially seeing that was my first time. The funny thing, I've heard about people getting stuck during sex, but never thought it actually happened."

"So what are you watching?" Rose asked, noticing the TV was on.

"Pretty in Pink," Jake said.

"I love that movie," Rose said.

"Funny thing about this movie," Jake said. "For some reason, Duckie reminds me of my dad, if he were about 25 years younger."

"Now that you mention it," Rose said, as she watched the scene with Duckie and Diceman outside the club, "he does kind of look like a younger version of your dad."