⇀Adaptability➹
Truthfully I had never wished for death, despite my actions. I had wanted to live, maybe find "love" or "acceptance" because these we such foreign concepts to me. Betrayal, loneliness, fear; these were the things I was familiar with. For me, living day after day was like waking up with a knife in your heart and repeating it all over again; as if it were some horrid nightmare. Though despite the pain, I still dreamed of the day I would live such a fantasy, until reality awakens me. I could never find love or acceptance (does it even exist?), after all who would willingly love a broken doll; A smile plastered upon its face; A soulless object; An overused toy and I hated this painful fact. I was just an old toy, forgotten by many and unwanted by others. I remember when it used to hurt thinking about all of this, but overtime I had grown numb to my despair. I wonder at times, what causes me to continue on living; Though, I guess, it doesn't matter anymore. After my Father died, I discovered how truly lost I was.
I grew up in a home that literally leaked hatred and hopelessness. Many would have considered me anti-social but in truth I was just scared. After all growing up like I did, would have scarred any normal person. The abuse started when I was only five years old. I had heard my mother calling me down stairs " Phoenix, get down here" her voice echoing throughout the house; Though she seemed a bit angry and that's what made me hesitate in following her orders, but eventually I walked down.
I regretted it as soon as I reached her. Her fist came to meet painfully with my cheek. I cried. What did you expect me to do? I was five years old and the women who was supposed to love and care for me had just hit me for seemingly no reason at all. Though she didn't stop there. Gripping onto my hair she pulled me up until my feet weren't even touching the floor and threw me down " you little bitch, you're nothing but a mistake" at first I didn't understand what these words meant, it wasn't until a few years later I got the message. My mother was raped and that's what lead to my birth. I was a living reminder of that night for her; A horrid nightmare, that came to life haunting her every living moment.
At first, I hated the man who had hurt my mother and forced himself upon her, but later I began to hate myself. It wasn't him that was causing her pain every waking moment just by living, it was me. That's why I never got mad or lashed back when she would hit me, but the beatings only got worse when she brought one of her lover's back home. I hated him. He made my mother become twisted and evil. Though I guess every curse has a blessing hidden within it. They gifted me with a baby brother so loving and pure that I knew I could be happy if I had him by my side, but I soon discovered that happiness can abandon you just as easily as despair can encase ones heart. I was turning fifteen when it happened. When my light finally faded away. My "parents" had walked into my room with a bag in their hands and told me it was my birthday gift. I didn't know.
I thought they had finally given me a chance. I didn't know that they would go this far because of their hated towards me. It was my fault, if I had ended my life sooner this wouldn't have happened. Walking towards the bag in their arms, I pried it open, oblivious to what laid inside. His head was the first thing I saw as I stumbled back. I wanted to scream, to cry, but I just stood frozen, until I collapsed with a sob ripping out of me. I felt like I was choking on his name, "Ma-Matt, yu my- Yu-chan" as I tried to reach out to touch his body, as if to check that this wasn't some horrid illusion that my mind conjured up. Matthew, my little Yu-chan, was gone. I didn't know what to do. My mind just wasn't willing to believe it all "little whore, it's because of you that he's dead, that we had to do this" I knew it was because of me that he's dead, but hearing those words come from that bastards mouth, I couldn't stand it.
I lost it, and every bit of control I had slipped away, as I lunged at him. How could they do this to my little Yu-chan. He was an angel, he didn't deserve to die. So I decided to take all my anger, my frustration, out on the ones who tormented me all these years; The ones who took my hope from me. At that moment, I didn't care that I was a living sin myself. I wanted to make them suffer, to feel the same pain I went through these past years. At that second, I hated them and so every hit that met flesh I screamed and cried and begged "why?" because Yu-chan was pure, he didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve any of this, so why! I was the one who was a sin. I was the one who tortured others simply by existing. I was the one who didn't deserve to live, not him.
While prying me off of the bastard, my 'Mother' slapped me, screaming "You stupid bitch, it's because of you he's dead, don't blame anyone else but yourself" as she pulled my hair so hard that I could hear my ears ringing. I couldn't take it, as I pushed her away from me stumbling as she let me go. I finally let everything out: Every emotion, every thought, every regret, every insecurity it all escaped as I yelled back
"I didn't kill him. You took him away from me. My angel. You took Yu-chan from me. You think I don't know the looks you sent him when he was with me. I'm not stupid. You hated him because he willingly spent time with the mistake. You can't lie to me and you can't blame me for something I never would have done. You both disgust me you fucking demons, you monst-" pain shot through me "SHUT UP!" I tried to breathe as I realized what happened, but the pain was too much, as blood spilled from the stab wound on my stomach
"you don't know anything, you damn mistake, so shut up!" I could see the black blobs beginning to encase my vision, everything was beginning to feel muffled, but when she pulled the knife out, it was like a trigor.
The hatred I felt for them it all slipped away, as my mind focused on the pain. Was this the way I was going to die, probably forgotten like an unwanted doll; killed by my own blood, but I guess it's better this way. I've finally found my escape. I tried to smile at this thought, but I found that I couldn't, when I realized where I'd probably be heading in the afterlife. Yu-chan would be living up in heaven while I'd rot in hell like my 'parents' when their time comes, but still I was glad that Yu-chan wouldn't have to suffer with me anymore. He would be too busy living it up in heaven. Looking up at the bitch, that I still consider a mother, I spit a glob of blood at her as I spoke my last words "It's stupid, but I still love you, I'm sorry" it was only then that death embraced me.
I expected flames and screams to greet me in the afterlife, but I guess this could be as tormenting as that. Darkness. That's what I was greeted with. I couldn't feel, smell, hear or see anything but still I had this sense of awareness. I knew I had hands and feet and toes and I could move, but I was trapped. The darkness, it was almost suffocating. I didn't know how long I was going to be here, or how long I was even here, and it scared me. Was this going to be my hell? Was I going to spend my life here for eternity? Was I to be isolated from all life, only my thoughts to keep me company? I was scared by this. My thoughts, my memories, they scared me and they were all I had.
Time was lost to me. All that kept me company was some haunting memories, but then I remembered my brother. It's almost humorous how I consider him to be my light within my dark life and now it wasn't just a metaphor, but reality. The light burned my eyes, though it was reassuring knowing for certain that I had eyes to begin with. As my eyes began adjusting to the brightness, I heard my brother's voice whisper "live" before the light encased me.
It was blinding and I couldn't see or hear, but I could feel something big holding me, cradling me like a newborn child. I was scared, dear lord how long will I continue being scared. I didn't know what was going on. Everything seemed so strange, blurry, and I was so confused.
My eyes adjusted as time passed. There were things I was familiar with as I took in my surroundings like a big table across my bed, a big bear twirling above my head, huge bars surrounding me. That was when I realized how large everything was to my eyes, but when I looked at my hands I noticed how chubby and small they were compared to the truck designs on my bed. I felt helpless as I tried to understand what was going on. I thought of my old life. Science, Religion, Insanity these were the possibilities. Science: Maybe, I was living life like in the Matrix movie. Religion: Maybe, this is reincarnation. Insanity: Maybe, I became insane from all the things I went through in life. Out of the possibilities I chose religion, mostly because how the other two scared me. So as I smiled in satisfaction, I wondered what this life would entail. It almost made me happy knowing that I got a second chance at life.
Years have passed and I was now 7 years old. I've grown fond of this life. My parents, I discovered, are Rozalia and Emilio Arconato and were both born and raised in Italy. They met during their teen years, but had me at in their late twenties and are currently in their mid thirties. My new parents were wonderful people. They've named me Sasha. This new life has made me so much more happier than my previous one ever could. Here, I have loving parents and I'm able to smile a lot some may still consider me an "anti-social freak", I'm happy because I have a loving family. This truly was another chance at life, and even though I'm a male in this life, I would never trade this for anything in the world.
"Sasha! come inside. Dinners ready" I heard my mom yell from inside, ripping me from my thoughts "coming" I yell back while climbing down the tree I was on and running to the dining room. While placing myself on an unoccupied chair, I gazed hungerly at the food displayed on the table. My mom made the best food ever and I'm not exaggerating she could easily become a five star cook if she wanted to.
Looking up at my mom, as she entered the room with a bowl of sliced bread on hand, I smiled "mom you know how to make the best food ever" meeting my eyes she smiled, while ruffling my hair "well aren't you a little sweet talker my little genius" it was kind of funny how accepting my parents were to everything. At eight months I was already speaking my first words and at a year and half I was walking if not a bit like a drunk but you get my point. My parents responses "my son's a little genius, he's so adorable!" when I heard them I wanted to laugh, god I love them.
When I came back to reality the first thing I heard was "Oh, you're going to be such a heartbreaker I can see it now. Make sure to give me grandchildren though" I couldn't help but blush "mom, stop it I'm only seven and-" before I could even finish my soon-to-be rant my mother's whole attitude changed as she squeezed me, exclaiming "not now though. I won't let any of those vultures take you from me now not until you know how to defend yourself against those desperate she-devils..."
All I could do was roll my eyes, as she continued on and on. I could only hope my dad would come down and save me soon "and then you can adopt a baby and live an adorable uke life with your hubby" I think my blush made me look like a tomato, as my dad came into the room chuckling "Honey, I think you should let him go before he faints from embarrassment from all the things you're telling him" letting me go as she pouted she complained "but I need to tell him this because I can already see those she-devils eyeing him everytime we go shopping. I need him to be prepared for them and maybe enlighten him on the adorable life of uke-hood. Oh I can see it now"
I could almost see the stars in her eyes as she went back into her dream land. God, my mom could be so weird at times. "Rose we should get started on eating before the food gets cold" like a switch my mother came down from La-La land "your right, we can't have our little soon-to-be Uke starving before he can even walk down uke-hood" while meeting the gaze of my father's, we both smiled at my mother's actions; though I blushed as my mind registered what she had said. Mom is so weird. This was how dinner continued for the rest of the night.
The night was cold, as I sat in my favorite tree. Gazing up at the night sky, I could feel the wind gently caressing my 's July second, my birthday. I was now nine years old, but It's strange how my birthday is the same as my last life. The same day my brother was killed; The same day I died. It was kind of ironic in a way. I could feel my heart cracking, as my mind buried itself in the memories I had locked away long ago.
Flashback↴
"hey Yu-chan, get up! Don't you want to watch the new episode of katekyo hitman reborn" I said as I tried to wake up my little brother. His response was almost immediate. Hurriedly he threw the covers away and jumped off the bed, only to trip as his face greeted the ground. I laughed at my brothers clumsiness, as I helped him up " gosh Yu-chan you act more like tsuna with every second that passes. Should I start calling you dame-yu-chan from now on?" a cry of panic came from little Yu-chan "what, no! I'm not dame, the ground just tripped me" I couldn't help but laugh at my brothers antics as he flailed his arms around in a frantic manner. "fine no dame anywhere in your name, but come on let's go watch watch reborn now" while grinning happily, my brother ran out the room yelling "okay! but last one there has to be a slave for a week" panicking I ran after him "hey you're cheating, that's not fair" laughing my brother glanced back me at, while sticking his tongue at out.
"life isn't fair, so suck it up"
Flashback⇐
Life isn't fair. I knew this, but I couldn't help but smile at the memory. Despite the pain of knowing I would never get my brother back, his smile could still make me happy, even just remembering it. Maybe this was my brother telling me not to worry about the past or something, but still I smiled. Even though he's not there for me physically. He's still watching me. "Sasha come in here we have a surprise for you" I heard my parents call out. I wonder what they're going to give me this year, man I hope it's money again. Last year they gave me one hundred euro and if you don't know that's around one hundred and thirty five U.S. dollars. Yes, I know, they are awesome.
Climbing down my beloved tree, I ran inside. Finding my parents sitting in the livingroom, I greeted them "hey mom, dad what did you get me? is it money?" smiling at the thought of money I eagerly awaited their reply. My mother spoke first "no, this year we're going to give you something better than that" something better than money, I doubted it "now you have to know what the gift is before you make an opinion about it" Yup she read my mind, while nodding my head in understanding, I waited for them to show me what my gift was. "alright tell me what would you do if we told you, you can have a chance at a really awesome power" my mom questioned.
Even though I was confused on why she asked this, I still thought over the possibility. I probably would've been really glad because then I would be able to protect my parents way better than I ever could right now. while announcing my thoughts out loud, I glanced up at them feeling a bit insecure "well I would be really happy because I would be able to protect you from like burglars and I wouldn't be a dead weight and stuff" I hurriedly finished towards the end
A gasp of shock escaped me as my mom picked me up and hugged my to death "oh sasha, you're not a dead weight you're a little angel, who's going to be an adorable Uke when you grow up, so no you could never be a dead weight because you're too adorable for that" I think for a second there I stopped breathing from how tight she was holding me. While catching the fond smile that my father was sending us, I saw him stand up as he coaxed my mom into letting me go "Honey I think the boy understands that we love him now and remember we still haven't given him his gift yet" gasping in realization she let go of me while smiling.
"well sasha, you're in luck" my mom began as I looked up at my parents in confucian. What were they talking about? "well you see this ties into our jobs" this only confused me more, how can it tie into their job, I mean my dad worked as a school counselor and my mom was a doctor, but before I could ask, my father picked up where my mom had left off " I know we told you otherwise, but we actually work as freelance hitman in the mafia. You're probably wondering what the mafia is. Well it's an, metaphysically, underground society that is hidden from normal people because of a code of silence called the Omerta"
My mind was slowly processing the information they gave. So they were criminals, well criminals by societies standards. I couldn't care less what they were, as long as they stayed with me. So nodding my head indicating for him to continue, I smiled letting them know I still accepted them. While sighing in relief, my mother continued for my father "well in the mafia many assassins, and the like, are going to be after us and you since they recently became aware of who's child you are. So your father and I thought it would be a good idea to teach you how to defend yourself if anything happens" I can understand that, so their going to teach me about guns? "so you're going to teach me about guns?" I asked, as my answered this time "yes, though there's more to it than that. You see, there's a power that the mafia knows about, anyone can use this power if they have enough training, that's why we're asking you to promise us that you'll keep this a secret from civilians"
As I nodded to my dad in acceptance, "I promise" on in the inside I was panicking because this seemed so eerily familiar to what I had remembered just minutes before. As my father stepped back, I saw an indigo flame produce from the palm of his hand, I stumbled back in shock while tripping on thin air "whoa" was what left my mouth, as I stared at my father in awe, but no that wasn't enough for them. As my mom stepped forward, I stared in amazement when blue flames emitted from her forehead.
I think, I trying to do an imitation of a goldfish, before I finally snapped out of it "whoa" okay maybe I hadn't snapped out of it completely. Chucking, my parents smiled at each other, while my mom continuing with their speech "these are called Dying Will Flames and there are seven types: Rain, Storm, Mist, Cloud, Lightning, Sun, and Sky. The strength of the flame produced depends on how strong your Will is. Each flame has it's own characteristics and can be identified by the color of the flame. For example, I have the rain flame which can be identified by it's blue tint while your father holds the mist flame which can be identified by the indigo colored outlining. Since your father and I believe training with guns is something that can easily be mastered, we've decided that we're going to teach you flames and once you've mastered them we'll show you how to hold a gun, so how does that sound"
Even though I was in shock, I couldn't help but smile. It was almost unbelievable how far their love goes. Most people would have thought of them as insane, teaching their eight year old child how to fight and maybe they were, but all I could see as I look into their eyes was worry; worried for safety, worried for their lives, worried for the whole family. They were so worried that I just had to smile up at them, reassuring them "Mom. Dad. You guys gotta stop worrying so much. It would be great having the chance of not being helpless if anything happened to you two"
While many would have thought of this as a selfish sentence, it reassured my parents. After all, they were doing this because they were teaching their son how to survive in the cold world of the mafia, since they couldn't always be there for him. It was a harsh reality, for all of them, but it made them happy that their son could have a chance at living when facing the world of the mafia. Like a switch my Father's posture changed "alright son since you're so sure about this, let's test your resolve" With that, the torture began. During a multitude of times, I almost regretted agreeing, but then I would remember the laughs and smiles my family shared together at the dinner table and my resolve would double. I wanted to protect that peaceful life with my dying will.
Break….
(Expect the next chapter to be up no longer than a week…. I can promise you that. I would also be very thankful for comments on how to improve my writing. Thank you.)
Cindy out~