Author's Notes: First time writing in La Corda and it's a het pairing, too. Man, I still can't believe I agreed to this. Ah, well. This is a Yunoki x Kaho fanfic, a very AU since I'm pretty sure Yunoki's not this, uhm, 'social', would you say? Either way, here are some changes you should be notified of lest you kick me upside the head.

# 1 : Len is called Lin here. Why? Because I turned him into a girl. Why? Read the fic.

# 2 : AU – alternate universe, meaning, they aren't high school students anymore. God forbid if they were. They did attend Seisou in there younger days, and Seisou still stands at the time of this fic, but it's not too important.

# 3: I took some liberties with the guys' eye colors. It freaked me out when I realized that almost all of them had golden eyes. Changed Kazuki's to an orangey sunset (not that he'll be here, but this is just the first chapter!!), made Len's/Lin's a lighter gold and ... that's it, I think. Yup. Kaho's is golden brown, meddled with that too.

More notes at the end of the chapter. Therefore, you may now enjoy this product of yours truly...

ChurchBells The Unmerciful Theory of Existence

Yunoki x Kaho

Perhaps it was his fault. To blame her would be too bold, too arrogant, too cruel. At the time, she had no hold over his heart yet, so he couldn't blame her. It would be interesting, though, to try and blame himself. Perhaps.

What did he expect anyway? If he wanted a reciprocated love, he should have taken her the second time. Third chances meant nothing, absolutely nothing. He should have known that. He didn't though, and whose fault could that have been? Perhaps.

There were many things that --if he'd known them, even just a wisp of their trails-- could have been, but weren't. Perhaps.

But he loved her.

That meant nothing now, absolutely nothing.

As he plays his piano to a fever pitch, a darker depth, a spaceless time, he remembers too many things. Too many words. Too many images of her.

Nothing would ever go right after the first time they met.

I'm not scared and i'm not lonely.
i'm not saving all my money of my breath.
i'm not looking for an answer, i'm not asking anyone to second guess.

Swirling the wine around in one's glass is a definite indication of boredom. For Yunoki Azuma, however, it was an act of deep and unyielding irritation.

Amidst the crowd gathered at the luscious orchid garden, he stood there with his arm around her waist. He still looked nervous, but to the untrained eye it would only seem that he was finally realizing that he was married to 'the most beautiful being to walk the earth'. Lin Tsukimori (1). The wine in his glass stilled, as golden eyes narrowed at the green haired man standing beside this incarnate of Venus (he wouldn't dare call her that, though, she was more like Nemesis or Persephone to him).

Ryoutarou was a lucky bastard, and he was righteously pissed about it. Not that he'd had any claim on the blue haired woman, no, they were just friends. Occasionally they played duets, sometimes on violin and flute, and secretly with piano and violin. They made beautiful, heavenly, breath-taking music together. And now she was married.

How on earth could he have not noticed? Bickering like an old married couple right in his face, the time he'd chanced a glance outside his car window and seen them walking in the rain, the flowers that were always there whenever he visited-- so many signs, so little time. How could he have been so blind? He downed the wine in one gulp and set the glass on a passing waiter's tray. He was lucid enough not to wonder how they always managed to hold their trays upright that way, but he was also drunk enough to visibly frown as he walked towards the newly weds.

She was his first.

Not like that would hold up in a court of law, though. So, maybe...

"Tsuchiura-kun." ah, still steady. That's good. Two pairs of golden eyes looked to him, one lighter and brighter than the other. Sharper too, it seemed, as Lin's delicate-looking lips pulled into a slight pout (she couldn't frown anymore, oh no, she could just pout because that damned husband of hers just had to make her so happy) as she faced her friend. 'You're drunk, aren't you?' the silent question that would go unanswered.

"Azuma-kun, glad you could make it." Ryoutarou was smiling now, he'd often listened to their duets and they were beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the person playing them. "Of course, I wouldn't miss Lin-chan's wedding for the world. Speaking of which, do you mind if I formally borrow your wife for a moment? Promise I won't try to elope with her." Yunoki made a cross sign over his heart and the green haired man laughed.

"Not at all. But I will hold on to that promise of yours..." he said with an easy smile. Lin sniffed and turned her head away from the two men. "Just an hour after our marriage and already you're looking for a way to get rid of me? How prudent of you, Ryou." She gathered up her dress and linked her arm with Yunoki's, still with her head turned. Her husband smiled and took her hand and kissed it, bowing to the pair before going off to talk to more of the guests.

A taut silence settled between the two, before Yunoki deftly turned around and began to drag the bride towards a more secluded part of the garden. He knew it well, as it was property of his family's business. He didn't offer though, Lin simply got her way again. His Grandmother could be such a push over when it came to the only girl in his life.

But she wasn't his girl. Not ever, not anymore.

"Yu-ki (2)."

Her voice was a stern tenor, a warning that if he didn't start explaining soon his head would be on a silver candelabra, flickering as a duet was played on piano and violin. How sick was he?

"Li-li. (3)"

These words would echo on forever amidst the wisterias, would disappear forever within the petals of these orchids growing profusely all around them. In a sea of brown and white and lilac, he would speak whatever words he could.

...

"You're married."

"You're drunk."

"Entirely beside the point. You're married." as if it were a crime.

Do you love him? he wanted to ask. But Lin never let anyone else have their way with her, except maybe Ryoutarou. Seriously, how sick was he?

"I love him. Yu-ki, your mask is slipping." calm and collected, the Ice Queen of Seisou in their younger days. She was twenty-eight now. He was twenty-nine. He was still too tall.

Recklessly he presses against her, so that she was pinned between him and the tree that smelled like him. Never would it suffocate her, always would it choke him. She was the more level headed pretender, whereas he needed constant reminders of why he had to pretend. He was Pretender's King, why was it so difficult then? She wasn't his Queen, maybe that was why.

Gently, she strokes his hair. They both have long hair, and they used the same shampoo. Old habits died hard, but their habits never did. He mutters against the skin of her shoulder, warm and heated and pulsating skin, he mutters,

"I love you. And I don't care."

Childish. Selfish. Self-centered. Scarred. Broken. Ignored. Yunoki.

"You should. We're married." she bites her lip, fighting against instinct and will. Why didn't he say this sooner? "You're too late."

For his part, none of what he's doing is easy. He breathes in the smell of flowers and a cologne he knows is not hers. He hears her voice, feels it reverberate against his chest, hears voices from far away. He hears a violin and thinks, how romantic, how sick.

He clutches at her waist and her back, his hair spilling over hers and the white of her wedding gown makes him feel nauseous and appreciative at the same time. He knows when this girl got her curves, he was there when she went shopping for new outfits, something that wouldn't show them. But he gave her a kimono that would, and she never threw it away.

Did she still have it now, he wonders. He hopes.

"I know." shaky words, and hearts beating a mile a minute. The violin stops and resumes, a song he didn't care much for. He loved it. Ave Maria.

They would part a few minutes later, and she'd wipe his tears away, and he'd offer his arm. They would walk back to the party, and he would bow to Ryoutarou and give him back his wife. He would watch them dance, and he would dance as well. Not with her, but beside her, so that if everyone else were to be erased from the scene, it would only be the two of them dancing with their backs to each other, a perfect waltz of silence and blindness.

He would bow to her and to her husband, wish them the best and they would look at each other. It wouldn't last, but she would tell him with her eyes,

"If you came sooner I would have said yes."

And he would merge with the other guests, grab another glass of wine and hunt for a one-night stand. It was easy enough at weddings, when bachelorettes would be a bit too tipsy or when a certain bachelor happened to walk down the wrong path. He'd be there, in the shadows. Because it was better there, even from afar.

But the Ave Maria continued, as he stepped away from her and straightened his back, and as he runs his eyes over her-- much as he wanted Lin, it wouldn't do to cause a scandal right after her wedding. Besides, she'd said it, hadn't she? She loves her husband, and he was too late. Gently, she wipes his tears away, and he fights the urge to say anything more. They walk arm in arm, back to the orchids, the guests, the wine and the violin would continue to play the song Yunoki now hated with a raw passion.

So we must love while these moments are still called today
Take part in the pain of this passion play
Stretching our youth as we must, until we are ashes to dust
Until time makes history of us

They dance, and everyone watches. He dances and she watches the most. No one dances and they look away from each other. Their relationship was taboo now, a pariah that neither of them would throw everything away for. They were separated, and now he would hunt for a new piece to fill up the hole that had started to fester in his heart. But first, he had to silence that awful violin, that song, that Ave Maria of the weeping children. He loved it, but now he hated it. If he didn't get his way, he'd break the damn violin in half if that was what it took.

So he walks out of the white tent, into the evening garden lit up with light from paper lanterns. He walks and his ears tell him where to go, where that blasted sound emanated from, where his sorrow was doubled and where his rage threatened to eat him alive, bones included.

He finds this violinist near a fountain bedecked with wreathes of wisteria and orchids, and a few daisies near the edge. A soft flutter of chiffon and silk, pink to compliment her long red hair, tied with a pink ribbon to match. Her case is at her feet, a couple of music sheets spilling out, but a red tipped toe held them in place. For a moment, Yunoki wanted to smile . At last, someone other than Lin-chan that hates stilettos, and prefers flat and normal-looking sandals. He remembers watching his friends feet as she and her husband danced. White and flat-looking, something to compliment her somewhat short stature.

Upon closer inspection, there were gold trimmings on her dress, and he found that he liked this. But he hated her music.

"Excuse me..."

Though the mask had slipped earlier, it was now glued to his face like industrial strength glue wasn't enough. If to be wise was to be a fool for five minutes a day, then to be a pretender was to be unmasked only once a day. Better yet, not at all. He speaks with the tenor of a man who is pleasant enough to know when he had to stop being pleasant, evidently, it wasn't time for that yet.

She turned and Yunoki wanted to slap his forehead. The girl had golden brown eyes (4). Well, at least it wasn't really gold. He'd be scared if it was.

"Yes?"

He smiles and inclines his head to her. "Good evening, I didn't mean to interrupt you but it's about time for the bride to throw her bouquet, and Rika-san has been looking for all the ladies to come. She said I had to fetch you, I'm sorry." complete bull. No one sent him, but Lin was about to throw her bouquet. The truth always came in handy, at times like this. The girl's eyes widened and she blushed.

"Oh no! Lin-chan will have my head if I'm not there... Thank you for telling me- uhh... What was your name again?" she crouched down and began to pack her violin, but glanced up at him once in a while with a faintly apologetic look. Hn. Why not indulge her, then? How could it hurt?

"Azuma Yunoki. My family owns this garden." she stands up and bows, and he sees that even under her dress she wears pink. It didn't bite him too much though, it suited her. She was bubbly, he could tell. In the cusps of womanhood, it would seem. Twenty one? Twenty three? He'd seen prostitutes as young as her, perhaps more. Maybe it was time he paid his courtesan a visit. He could be testy at times like this, but he had homework to do. Seventeen. They were how many years apart? Give or take twelve.

"Hino Kahoko. A pleasure to meet you, Azuma-san. I play with Lin-chan at the Shiramine concert house sometimes." so that was why he couldn't recognize her. When he went to Shiramine, it was always just for a break and to hear Lin play in the balcony. He never went to her concerts, because it didn't make sense to him why he should sit with people to hear his friend play when he could just sit at her balcony and listen.

Easier, and more private.

She smiles and walks towards him. "Shall we go back together then?" she asks. Why not? But he'd definitely visit his courtesan tonight. Keichi could get really bitchy when he was ignored, and though Yunoki found it to be very cute and very sexy, he knew the kid felt things too deeply. He'd see him, and they would play together. Then afterwards they could make music together.

With orchids and wine.

"Kahoko-san..."

Yunoki tried very hard not to laugh. Ryoutarou was, too. But it was just too cute. Kahoko was hugging the stuffing out of their favorite girl (but he'd be damned if he admitted that), saying something about her not thinking that she would get married, and something about her growing since the last time they'd seen each other, oh, and that she got taller too. For her part, Lin was trying very hard not to be noticed. Failed. She was a light shade of pink now, her arms pinned to her side by the woman who was glomping her life away.

"Now Kahoko-san, I don't want to be a widower just yet... Why don't you join Rika-san and the other ladies for the bouquet?" Ryoutarou said and the red head laughed before letting go and walking towards a group of ladies clustered around a happy looking Rika. The green haired man chuckled as he shook his head, as he wrapped an arm around his wife's waist. She sighed and leaned against him-- but her eyes were on Yunoki.

"She's too much." Lin mutters. But maybe not for you.

"She's just happy you've settled down." Yunoki replies. At least one of us is.

Ryoutarou kisses the top of her blue head and gently pushes her towards the female populace. "Go on dear, they're waiting for you."

Lin shoots him a pout, an attempt at a dirty look, but goes on nonetheless, her dress sweeping through the floor and her small heeled shoes making naught a sound. The newly wed groom glances at his purple haired companion. "Azuma-kun."

Yunoki looks and sighs, shaking his head. "Ryoutarou-kun, if Lin hears you refer to me like that, she'll step on your feet again. It's just Yunoki-kun now, alright?" he couldn't hate this man, this man who was sure to take care of his friend like no other (like he) would. This man who would never tell her forever, merely say that he will try. Lin hated such promises. Ryoutarou didn't deserve his raw hatred, no, but that didn't mean he actually had to sincerely like the man.

"Alright, alright. I just thought that I should thank you." his amber-gold eyes were hard now, serious and Yunoki is left with the vague feeling that if he asked Lin what she loved most about her husband (aside from his hands), she would probably answer 'his eyes'. But he has to listen. The man who took his heart was speaking to him.

"I was able to propose to her because of you. I kept on thinking, what if someone else told her first? I saw you two walking from the school after one of you tutorials, and I realized that if I didn't do anything, and fast, I would lose her forever. So, thank you. You helped open my eyes to the best thing that's ever happened to me." Honey gold eyes met amber ones, and with utmost sincerity and seriousness, Yunoki replied,

"Shut up, you haven't had kids yet."

Now we can say that nothing's lost

and only change brings round the prophecy
Where now it's melting, the solid frost was once a veil

on greener landscapes we would see


Beneath my surface the water's heating
And steam comes up and out the tears you see me shine
For every strange and bitter moment there was never a better time
For every pleasure exacts its pain

How you hurt me how you were good to me

"Ara, isn't that Shimizu-kun?" Ryoutarou deftly manages to change the subject and surprise Yunoki, that he actually listened for once and turned his head, never mind that it may have been a prank. At that time, anything would have been welcome, if only to distract him from the sick feeling in his gut as he saw something in his friend's husband's eyes that he could never blame for anything, try as he might.

But lo and behold, there he was, his little lover still in his school uniform --though it looked half way formal; honestly, Seisou may have had a hefty tuition fee but they delivered-- and looking as dazed as ever as he searched for him through the crowd. Golden eyes glinted and Yunoki quickly took the chance as it came.

"You're right, that is Keiichi. I should really talk to him, ja, Ryoutarou-kun!" he cantered towards the young blonde even before Ryoutarou could reply, and hurriedly took the boy's arm and dragged him off towards the buffet. He needed more wine, natch. Plus if he was going to have a decent conversation with anyone else that night, he was going to have to be able to forget it very quickly.

"Azuma-san... where did you come from?... I was looking for you..." the boy just couldn't stop being irresistible, now could he? It did not help that Yunoki found his drowsy state all the more alluring, but by god did he need something alcoholic! Anything! Just so he could blur the lines in his head, to dull his senses, to make him feel numb again. In the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of red and pink and blue and white and the cheers of several women as the bride prepared to throw her bouquet to the aspiring ladies.

And at long last they reached the buffet table. Yunoki let go if his arm, and grabbed a glass of champagne and one of red wine. Keiichi was still seventeen, and Yunoki preferred that he get drunk in the safety of their bedroom, thank you very much. Then again, the kid wasn't a lightweight by any standards. Ah, c'est le vie, as the tourists say.

"Keiichi, may I ask what you are doing here? On a school night, too. Don't you have homework today?" it's not that he doesn't want to see him, just that he doesn't know what desperation will push him to do to achieve a final feeling of nothing-else-matters. Pleasure could be pain, and the inverse could be true, but Keiichi was special and important and didn't deserve that kind of thing. Not by a long shot.

"I wanted to see you... Yu-ki..." his eyes slide to the side, and his cheeks are flushed and Yunoki just notices that it was a friday. Technicalities aside, they both had no obligation to do anything but have fun. Huh. The wine was giving him ideas. "Really?" he asks, walking towards the end of the table, glancing coyly over his shoulder and smirking.

"Show me."

With the lips that would tell me that I wasn't allowed to die, the lips that begged me never to leave, the lips of the one I would never dare let alone.

If he was going to get over Lin, he better do it now, at the very point when he could change both their lives forever. Because if he didn't, he'd end up miserable and unable to give Keiichi the attention he deserves , Lin the space she needed and the entire world the music they longed for. Not that he cared for the latter, but if he was going to be hurt, then it would have to be him alone. Neither of the people he cared about had anything to do with his ingratiating self-pity and emotional irrationality, and he couldn't blame either of them he tried.

If he told her sooner, they could have been 'together' instead of just 'with each other'.

If he told her sooner and had been rejected much earlier, he would have needed Keiichi more, and probably have fallen in love with him over time. That part wasn't difficult at all.

But he didn't, so he had to get over her. Fast. Never mind that it may leave him unstable, Keiichi was there. He'd always be there, they were tied together by the fact that Keiichi was the only person he could never lie to. He'd lied to Lin, god knows how many times, but he didn't have the heart to lie to the angel that had so accidentally saved him from impaling himself on his own stupidity.

Sometimes if he thought hard enough, he could see through to what could have been, if things had been different.

What else could there possibly be, what was left of the world for him to claim as he own and never be afraid to lose it? What else was there that he could hold on to if everything else failed and exploded in his face with the force of a thousand shattered hearts and dreams?

Ave Maria was the song for weeping children, his teacher had said-- that was all well and good, for he was a weeping child himself.

And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder

At the time, it didn't make sense to him. But then again, with her, nothing ever really did.

FINIS

PART ONE OF CHURCHBELLS THE UNMERCIFUL THEORY OF EXISTENCE

Notes:

As it stands, this is not mine truly. This fic was made for the enjoyment of my Bel, my First Master, my MaShu Muse (and apparently my La Corda Muse, too) and the light of my life down this geyser of darkness. So, here you go.

Anyway, there's not much YuKa here, not yet at least. But Yu-ki's trying to get over Lin, k? that's hard.

(1) gender bending. Yunoki and Keiichi are the only gay ones, sadly. Ryoutarou and Kazuki are straight as an interval notation. XD algeb reference. ha.

(2) Yu-ki and (3) Li-li names that they used to call each other, way back. Childhood pet names are cute, aren't they?

(4) golden brown eyes honestly, it's like they've all got golden eyes, except for Keiichi! It's kind of off-putting.

To the readers: if you enjoyed this, or thought it was crap, please click the Go button. I'd love to hear from you 3. Ja.