I still don't own them but I thought I'd let them out to play.
It was the day of the annual physicals at NCIS headquarters. Dr Donald Mallard was supervising the examinations but not actually carrying them out. He mused on the different reactions of the various agents. Some like Special Agent Jethro Gibbs treated it as a mild irritation but were supremely confident that they would sail through (and nobody could quite imagine who would be bold, or foolhardy, enough to fail him). Some like Special Agent Tim McGee couldn't help but be anxious and ran extra miles and ate extra vegetables in the weeks leading up to their ordeal. Some, not many, like Special Agent Ziva David rather looked forward to demonstrating their physical perfection. Then there was Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo who, in previous years, would have fallen somewhere between Gibbs and Ziva while also unobtrusively going on a McGee-like health kick. This year, however, seemed to be different and Ducky couldn't quite put his finger on it.
The lead up to last year's examinations had been much as he would have predicted and Gibbs, Ziva and Tim had passed with ease. It had been slightly different for Tony who had recently had to take some time off with a back injury. He had returned to work, however, a few days before and seemed to be back to his usual health. Dr Ramsay had been the doctor carrying out the physicals. Ducky approved of his thoroughness and attention to detail but even so had been surprised at the length of time he had spent poking and prodding an increasingly restless Tony. Finally Dr Ramsay told Tony that he could go and get dressed and then come back for the results. Ducky drew near to the other doctor,
"Is there something amiss, Dr Ramsay? You seemed to spend a long time looking at Anthony."
Dr Ramsay continued to look at Tony's medical history file and at his own notes.
"I'm not sure, Dr Mallard, I don't quite like the look of the x-ray on Agent DiNozzo's back." Ducky peered at the x-ray.
"I don't see anything too sinister there. The injury is recent and there is still some settling down needed but I don't believe Anthony has been in any pain."
"Perhaps," said Ramsay, "but he may be getting a bit prone to this type of injury. I'm not convinced I should pass him as fit to continue working in the field."
The two doctors had continued to discuss the case. Tony had come back during the debate and heard some of what was said. Ducky was still not sure what to make of the look on Tony's face when he heard that his assessment as fit for duty was in some doubt. Unsurprisingly, he had looked shell-shocked but he hadn't tried to argue or to demonstrate his fitness by doing sit ups or handstands or some other extravagant gesture. Gibbs had swept in shortly afterwards and dragged DiNozzo away to work on a new case. Ducky and Ramsay had continued the debate and Ramsay had finally agreed to defer to the older doctor's more detailed knowledge of Tony's medical history and pass him as fit.
Shortly after this, Tony had taken an unexpected two week vacation and had returned apparently in his usual high spirits. Ducky had tried to discuss the medical with Tony but he had proved the master of deflection and Ducky had finally admitted defeat. As Ducky had predicted, Tony's back had 'settled down' and there had been no more problems so the matter had slipped from his mind. Until this year's medicals fell due and Ducky wondered how Tony would react this time. He had tried talking to him about it but had been met with the widest of DiNozzo smiles which, Ducky felt, was meant to reassure him but somehow didn't.
Gibbs, McGee and Ziva had all had their medicals and passed although there had been a tricky moment when Tim had started to hyperventilate out of anxiety. They were back in the squad room and waiting for Tony to be called down for his examination. Ducky arrived,
"Anthony, I've been trying to phone you to let you know that Dr Ramsay is ready for you. Didn't you hear your phone ring?"
Tony looked a bit embarrassed.
"Sorry, Ducky, it must have been on silent."
"Hmmph, well come on then, lad, it's nothing to be worried about."
Tony didn't move. Gibbs got impatient,
"Go on, DiNozzo, we've haven't got all day."
"The doctor's needles are not very large, Tony," offered Ziva in what some people might have considered an encouraging tone.
"Needles aren't a problem anymore since Abby fixed me up with that nurse," replied Tony coolly.
"You still here, DiNozzo?", asked Gibbs, "get moving."
Tony stood up and straightened his jacket and tie. Gibbs resumed squinting at his computer, satisfied that all was settled but his head jerked back up again at Tony's next words.
"I'm not going to have the physical this year," and he sat down again.
"But, Tony, if you don't pass the medical you won't be able to be an agent," pointed out McGee.
"Thank you, McObvious, I'd worked that one out."
"My dear boy, I know last year's medical might have been a bit unsettling but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about this year," soothed Ducky.
"What the hell happened last year?" demanded Gibbs.
"Dr Ramsay took a little persuading to pass Anthony as fit. You remember that it was just after he had returned to work after that back injury."
"He's not failing any of my agents," proclaimed Gibbs, "DiNozzo's been perfectly fit all year. DiNozzo, get your ass down to Autopsy right now."
"Now, Jethro, there's no need for you to get excited. Dr Ramsay is an extremely competent and conscientious doctor who ..."
"It doesn't matter," interrupted Tony, "I'm not having a physical this year."
Gibbs fixed his glare on the wayward agent. "DiNozzo, with me."
"I'm not going down to Autopsy, whatever you say, Boss."
"I need coffee. And you're buying it, DiNozzo. Come on."
Tony nodded at that and the two left the squad room leaving the others to stare at one another in disbelief.
Tony and Gibbs walked in an uncompanionable silence to Gibbs' favorite coffee shop where the barista knew exactly what to serve them. They found a table in the window and sat down. Gibbs took a bracing sip of his brew and said in a gentler tone,
"What's going on, Tony? Why didn't you tell me about last year's medical?"
"Nothing to tell, Boss. I knew the doctor was being over cautious and that Ducky would persuade him. Hell, I knew you would persuade him if necessary."
"So what's the problem this year? Your back hasn't been playing you up, has it?"
"No, it's been fine. The odd twinge but that's to be expected."
"So?" pressed Gibbs.
"So, what do you think I felt when I heard the doc say that I might not be able to carry on being a field agent?"
"I don't know, DiNozzo. Angry, mad, ready to take a swing at him?"
"And that's what I thought I would feel."
"And what did you feel?" asked Gibbs.
"Well, numb at first and then ..."
"And then ...?" asked Gibbs a bit anxiously.
"Relieved, I felt relieved. How stupid is that? I love my job, Gibbs, always have. It's my life, it's what I'm good at. Why would I feel relieved at being told that I couldn't do it anymore?"
"I don't know, Tony. Does it matter? The doc passed you as fit and he will again if you just get yourself in gear and go down for the medical."
"I can't do it, Boss. I just keep remembering that feeling of relief, it was like I was being set free from doing this."
"I don't understand, Tony," said a puzzled Gibbs, "it's been nearly a year, why haven't you done anything about it? You could have talked to me about it."
"I know, Boss and I was going to talk to you. That's why I took those two weeks off, went away trying to make sense of it."
"And did you? Make sense of it?" asked Gibbs.
"Not really, but the shock of it faded and I couldn't think of anything else I could do instead. So I came back from vacation and decided just to get on with it but something had changed somehow."
"What? What had changed?"
"Me, I guess. I still worked as hard as ever, I still wanted to do the job as well as I could but I knew somehow that it wasn't all-important any more. I think I realised it wasn't just the job, the long hours, the hard work that was the burden, it was being someone I don't want to be any more."
"The face of a clown, eh?" asked Gibbs.
"Yeah, Senior told me about that. I don't want to be serious all the time, Gibbs but I'm tired of people expecting me to be shallow, cynical and well, juvenile."
"You don't have to be," said Gibbs gently.
"I guess," said Tony, "but can you imagine how Ziva and McGee would react, how long it would take?"
"Sounds like an excuse, Tony. I don't want to lose my best agent because he can't suck it up."
"Don't beat around the bush, Gibbs, say what you think," joked Tony and then winced at the head slap. "No, Boss, and I probably would have tried but ..."
"But?" asked Gibbs.
"You remember I said I came back from vacation and stayed because I couldn't think of anything else I could do instead?"
"Yes ..."
"Well, I think I've found that 'something' after all."