I'll start this broken heart; I'll fix it up so it will work again, better than before.
Reaching into the bag of brand new clothes, Sora pulled out a tee-shirt that looked much too small for him. He considered the item for a moment: a baby-blue thing with little pink hearts on it, and a white skull with heart-shaped eye-holes in the middle of the chest. He slipped it over his head and pulled a pair of blue skinny jeans up over his boxer-briefs. It was impossible to wear boxers with such horrendously tight pants.
Then I'll star in a mystery: A tragic tale of all that's yet to come.
He dipped his hand into a jar of styling gel, lifting limp locks and making them more prominent, running his fingers through his hair, shaping it, sculpting it into flawless brown spikes. Awesome.
With fingers crossed, there will be love.
He slipped into a pair of high-topped sketchers (fifteen dollars at Discount Duds, but stylish nevertheless) over his socked feet – foot condoms, he noted. He would need witty sayings along with his spiffy new clothes to win the hearts of the crowd he was trying to impress. He especially wanted to win the heart of one special girl: Kairi. His heart practically melted at the thought of her.
But I get carried away with every day and every fantasy.
He was soon working his strut like Adam Lambert through the hallways at school with his books in his arms, turning heads – no, snapping necks. He knew that nobody could keep their eyes off of him; not even for a second. For the first time in his school career, he was gorgeous and he knew it.
The deeper the wound, the harder I swoon and wish that that was me.
He was approached by a group of familiar kids – a group he had dreamed of being a part of until today.
"Hey, what's your name? I've never seen you around." said Selphie the moment she saw him. Selphie was the ring-master of her crowd, which was one of the most notorious in and outside of school. Her hair was done up in a '50's style outward bob – very ugly, Sora had always thought, but he would never say it to her face. She wore a bright yellow overall-styled dress, and a pair of Birkenstock sandals, her jewelry limited to a bracelet of cobalt glass beads on her left wrist. She was by far the least trendy-looking, at least in appearance, but that made her the most unique. Her boisterous personality, decisiveness, and controlling nature made her the most capable of leading the group, and she did so with a vigor and inspiration that rivaled that of Napoleon Bonaparte.
"That's no new kid." chirped Kairi from beside her leader-slash-best-friend. Sora almost fainted on the spot, hearing that voice so soft and smooth as silk. "That's Sora. You know, dorky Sora with the braces and Harry Potter specs." she said, but Sora flashed her a smile.
"I got clear braces. My glasses are new too – thicker rims." he said, flicking the horrendously expensive plastic rims. "I decided it was time for a change – check out my rad shirt, it's totally new. I got it for like five bucks." he said, pointing to his chest with his thumbs. Seeming thoroughly impressed by his sudden burst of confidence, the others gave him the once-over, not even bothering to be discreet. His hair wasn't greasy and limp, his clothes were skin-tight and showed off his beautiful, slender body, and he looked - well, just like them. He didn't even smell like stale laundry and mildew anymore. They were all astounded and fascinated by the overnight change from baggy, physique-hiding clothes and tinsel-teeth to Prom King material. Disbelieving eyes watched from a few lockers down in disgust.
There's so much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day.
The days passed slowly after Sora suddenly transformed from an ugly duckling into the swan he had once dreamed of becoming. It had never occurred to him – really, it hadn't – how hard it would be to constantly fit in with Kairi's group. That first day, he had officially been absorbed when Selphie asked him to hang out with the group after school, and whenever he could – whenever he wanted, which meant whenever she wanted, he soon came to realize. Half the group sat down to lunch together, as their schedules only allowed a few of them to be together at once. Kairi's schedule put her in Sora's lunch, much to his delight. They were all planning their course of action after school when Aerith Gainsborough, the Senior class president, stopped by the table and addressed Sora.
"Hey, Sora! Looking good! It's great to see you opening up to other people. Keep it up, you social butterfly!" she encouraged, and Sora smiled back.
"Thanks a lot, Aerith. That means a lot to me." he said softly. She went to pat his head, but thought better of it and gave his shoulder a pat before walking off. He turned back to see everyone staring at him.
"What?" he asked as he scooped up some mashed potatoes with his spoon.
"Why were you talking to that...prep?" Selphie demanded. Sora stilled, the mashed potatoes on his spoon falling into his peas, making a few fly across the table. Selphie's tone was so acidic it could have corroded a reinforced, ten-foot-thick concrete wall in less than a second, and if he wasn't frozen in place he would have winced.
"Err...because she's my friend? And my cousin..." he replied softly, intimidated by Selphie. If looks could kill.
"Not if you're going to be friends with us." she said dangerously, squishing a pea that had rolled toward her with her thumb.
"B-But she's my - " Sora began, but was cut off by Kairi.
"Because." she said with a temerity that floored him. It was as if being friends with Selphie was a chore to her. "Aerith is a cheerleader and the Senior class president. She's a prep, and we don't associate ourselves with preps because they think they're better than everyone else." Selphie nodded in agreement.
"I've tried talking to her before – brushed right past me, as if I hadn't said anything. Bitch." she said.
"Oh...but - " Sora said, not daring to push himself too far.
"Aren't we friends, Sora?" Selphie asked, her decided expression falling as she reached across the table to take Sora's hand. "You don't want to be friends with someone fake who hurts your real friends, do you?" she asked.
"Well I guess not, but - " Sora began, but Selphie shook her head.
"I'm not friends with...anyone who lets people just...step all over me!" she shouted before bursting into tears. She placed her hands over her face and began to sob, hot tears sliding out from between her fingers. Oh no, thought Sora. Oh no, oh no, oh no! Don't cry, Selphie! Looking around, he noticed that everyone was staring. He slouched low in his seat, embarrassed that he had made Selphie cry, and he didn't like it.
"Don't...don't worry Selph, I'm on your side." he assured her uncertainly, leaning up to reach over and pat her on the shoulder. "I don't want you...to get hurt?" Selphie's whimpering died down and she placed a tear-damp hand over the one on her shoulder. She looked up with red-rimmed, puffy eyes and smiled weakly.
"Thanks, Sora. You're a good friend."
But I'm getting used to it.
After a few minutes of silent comforting, Kairi helped Selphie to dry her eyes and their peaceful group resumed their chatting. Sora dared not look away from his lunch, which he had resumed eating to distract himself, and when he did manage a glance up, Selphie was watching him, looking satisfied that he was ashamed for his "misdeed." He felt like a child after chastisement. At a nearby table, another student picked up his lunch and threw it away. He couldn't eat after what he had just seen.
You have to get used to it.
Sora called Aerith that night. She'd understand, - she had to. Sora didn't believe that she had the capacity to be mean, but he couldn't be seen talking to her and be friends with Selphie at the same time. Without Selphie, there was no Kairi. Without Kairi, there was no point. When he got home after getting ice cream with his "friends", he grabbed the phone and dialed Aerith's number, heading up to his bedroom. It rang twice before someone picked up.
"Yeah, what is it, Tifa?" The gruff voice of his uncle demanded, the thick southern drawl making him sound only incrementally less threatening.
"Hi, Uncle Cid." Sora breathed, heart pounding ruthlessly against his ribcage. Maybe she wouldn't understand. Maybe she would get mad. He started getting nervous, the sweat from his palms causing the phone to start slipping from his grasp. He held the phone between his shoulder and cheek for a moment, wiping his hand on his knee before taking the device in hand again.
"Oh, hey there, Sora. Lookin' fer one o' the brats?" asked his uncle with a hearty laugh. Sora nodded, before realizing that Cid couldn't see him.
"I need to talk to Aerith." throat tight, he could barely get the words out. His uncle responded with a quick, okay, hold on, and the line went silent for a moment. As he waited he realized, what in the world am I doing? He had to stop right now. This was stupid. all he had to do was avoid her, it would be simple. Just hang up. His thumb hovered over the 'end call' button. This was ridiculous, he would just hang up -
"Hello? Sora?" said Aerith on the other line. Damn! It was too late anyway, she already knew who was calling. Sora felt like his heart would beat clear out of his chest.
"Aerith...I...have something to say." he said after a moment.
"Yes? Go on, Sora, I'm listening."
Beat.
"I can't talk to you at school anymore." he said. "And outside of family stuff...we can't hang out." A long pause followed. Too long. Painfully, horribly, uncomfortably, crushingly -
"Why?" she asked, and the tone of her voice already told Sora that there was no salvaging the situation. He couldn't stop and say, "Nevermind." He didn't even sound remotely like he was joking, which was a recipe for failure if he was going to turn back with a "haha, just kidding. I love you."
"Well...because...because you were mean to Selphie." he said after a moment's hesitance. "And...and I don't like to associate with people who hurt my friends."
The following silence cut Sora deeper than any knife, but his words had done worse to his cousin, he knew.
"...I see. I see what's happening. I'm very disappointed in you, Sora." she said finally. "I expected much better from you. I was proud of you today. I thought you had taken a step in the right direction by making friends, but you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Letting people control you is not how Sora works. I don't know who you are anymore, and I can't know until you know. You should get on that." click. Sora pressed the "end" button and dropped the phone. He lay down on his bed, turning to the wall and curling up under the warm covers. That was a cold response, but he knew he deserved the frosty words. They bit at his conscience until he could bring himself to sit up and do something distracting – something like homework, but as he sat at his desk trying to solve f(10) = 6x + 45, he clung to the hope that at least his new friends would treat him well. As long as Aerith wasn't talking to him, it would make things easier on that front. Once Uncle Cid heard about it, though, Sora was as good as grounded. No matter how things panned out, he would feel like a jackass. This step which aided him was at the expense of his cousin's feelings, and he had no right or reasonable grounds by which to trade her for popularity.
But it was too late to turn back.
I'll devise the best disguise - a brand new look, and take them by surprise.
The next day, Kairi took Sora aside before lunch. He was worried - was she going to chastise him about yesterday? He really feared so, but her words surprised him.
"I'm sorry about Selphie. That little scene yesterday was nothing but crocodile tears - she was faking it." she said. "She's biased and trendy. Please don't stop being Sora because you want to be cool." she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he searched her eyes for some hint of cruel amusement at his confusion. He saw nothing but concern.
"But...but you said I was dorky! Until Tuesday..." he protested.
"But you were good." she replied. "Not that you're not now, but you're letting Selphie get under your skin. You shouldn't mess around with this crowd. We're nothing but trouble." she said. "Everyone in Selphie's crowd was a good kid before she got to them. Now I'm trapped into being her "Best Friend", and I can't get out." she said. "She'll ruin me if I do – she's good at that. She'll find out all your secrets, and if you give her even just a little bit of rope, she'll hang you with it. Our crowd is a dangerous one – one that you don't belong in. Not because you were "dorky", but because you were free. Get out while you can, Sora. I don't know why you want to hang out with us, but it's just better if you don't." With that, she turned to leave.
They'll never guess what's not inside.
"It's because I like you!" Sora said, grabbing her wrist. "I really, really like you, and I just thought...maybe...to get you to like me, I could dress and act like...you..." he trailed off, looking down at his stupid multicolored Nikes that he had wanted to burn at first sight. Instead of those damn ugly shoes, his cheeks burned scarlet. Now that he had said his intentions aloud, they sounded shallow and completely offensive. He had just insulted Kairi's character by suggesting that she too was shallow, yet her reaction wasn't one of having taken umbrage.
"Y-You like me?" she asked. Sora quickly nodded.
"Mhmm...the you guys looked like a really nice bunch, and especially since you're a really nice person...I thought..." he trailed off again, feeling a bit hopeless and lost. He felt stupid, and he had called her shallow – there was no turning back after that. Kairi came closer, and Sora winced in anticipation of a slap or a punch, but instead she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. It was actually a great comfort that, although it set his mind at ease, had his heart beating a mile a minute.
"If you liked me, you should have just said something." she said. Her voice was quiet, tone soft. Sora looked away from her, shame renewed.
"I'm sorry I assumed you would only like me for...all that stuff." he said.
"Don't be." she replied then pressed her lips gently to his. It was all he had hoped for and more, and he felt something lift from his shoulders, as if a wall between them was crumbling.
"W-will you be m-my girlfriend?" he asked. Kairi looked up at him. He looked down at her. She wasn't that much shorter than he – rather, he wasn't much taller.
"Yeah." she said after a moment, a smile breaking across her flawless visage. "Yeah, I will." she said, and captured Sora's lips again in a quick kiss.
I'll express myself with ease, with confidence and character complete.
They entered the lunchroom hand-in-hand, but the only eyes on them were those of Selphie and the gang. The pair bought their lunches, sat down together, and did nothing but stare stupidly at each other."I see that Kairi has deemed you worthy. Good job, Sora." Selphie said with a warm smile. "You two are cute together." she continued, clapping for them. The others clapped too, and a blond boy named Tidus gave him a congratulatory punch on the shoulder."Aren't we?" Sora commented, wiggling with excitement before leaning over and kissing Kairi's cheek. She beamed happily, blushing.
With fingers crossed, they'll talk to me.
One of their classmates watched from another table, once again throwing away his barely-touched food. He didn't eat inside the lunchroom from that day on, but no one noticed.
But I get carried away with every page in every magazine.
Sora and Kairi spent their weekends together. She looked so happy, but after a couple of weeks, Sora thought he would have been happier than he was as of late. His relationship with Kairi was becoming dissatisfying very quickly, and he just couldn't place where it was coming from. He had the girl, a life, friends...what more could he want? He had discarded himself to win her heart, and after such a huge overhaul he was seeing less and less pros and more and more cons. The more he thought about it, the less satisfied he became. Kairi had never said anything to him before he had changed himself. Was she actually shallow, even though she was still so nice?
The deeper the thrill, the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy.
It was a harrowing thought. She was pretending, too. She didn't want to be a part of Selphie's crew and neither did he, but in order to sail through high school without conflict, they had to stay where they were: trapped in the nightmare that was a high school clique. To win Kairi by tossing himself into the lion's den and abandoning his old life of solitude and peace, Sora had become nothing but a mannequin modeled vaguely after his former self. His smiles were becoming less real, less wide, less authentic and a little more manufactured as the days dragged on.
There's so much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day.
It got to a point where he couldn't stand it. Wasn't he going out with Kairi, the girl of his dreams? Now here he was, drowning in regret. It was unbearable, but he had to stay with her. She was practically soulbound to Selphie, so it was Sora's duty to keep her grounded when their leader had her own head in the clouds, up her ass – anywhere but wherever things made sense. He had to make Kairi feel worthwhile, even though he felt worthless, hopeless, like a marionette with the cruelest of puppet masters.
But I'm getting used to it.
The complicated nature of his relationship began to get overwhelming. It got so much so that some days, he would get home and head straight up to his room, where he would lie under his covers and not move for hours on end. He couldn't call Aerith, she was angry with him, and he was still grounded because of it. She wouldn't talk to him until he could be the real Sora again, but he couldn't. If he reverted back to normal Sora, Kairi's reputation would be crushed and she would hate him; he just knew she would.
I deserve it, he thought. I make a miserable boyfriend.
Thoughts like this plagued him some days, when all he saw was darkness under his blankets. Sometimes it made him cry, sometimes he just lay quietly and picked on himself until he fell asleep. His appetite began to diminish, and so did his will to go on like this.
You have to get used to it.
However, it wasn't long before Sora found sanctuary in friendship. The friendship came in the form of a classmate whom he had never really noticed before. With Kairi out sick, Sora sat alone at lunch out in the courtyard. Perched on a branch among the lush foilage, he balanced his lunch on his lap. He held his tray with one hand as he shifted into a more comfortable position, when his apple juice slid from his tray and dropped to the ground splattering everywhere. He loved apple juice; it was his favorite part of lunch. Instead of going down to clean up the mess, he just sat and stared sullenly at his incomplete luncheon. He looked away only when one of his classmates hauled himself onto Sora's branch, sitting sidesaddle in front of him. He plopped an unopened carton of apple juice onto the tray and smiled.
All Sora could do was stare into those bottomless green eyes and mentally convey his gratefulness, for he was utterly speechless.
"I saw you drop your juice." said the taller boy. Sora stared.
"What?" asked the boy as Sora continued to stare like an idiot. "I'll give you one of my school pictures if you like my face that much." he said. Sora blinked.
"Are you an angel?" he asked.
"No, I'm the apple juice fairy." his classmate replied. Sora smiled.
"Thanks, Mr. Apple Juice Fairy." he laughed, opening the juice and chugging it all in less than four seconds. He finished and wiped his mouth. "I'm Sora." he said.
"Riku." the other teen replied, putting out a hand to shake. Sora took it and shook his hand with enthusiasm that he hadn't been able to muster for weeks until then.
"Nice to meet you." he said, smiling, and Riku smiled back. The smile they shared wordlessly bound their souls, but not like Kairi's to Selphie's.
I'll destroy this useless heart, I'll fuck it up, so it'll never beat again.
Over the next few weeks, Sora managed to divide his time between Riku, Kairi, and group endeavors without conflict. He noticed a difference in they way he felt around Riku as opposed to Kairi. Around Kairi, he felt hollow and fake, like every work he spoke was a lie. He didn't really love her – a crush was all it seemed to have been, and he felt guilty for prolonging the facade, but the thought that he absolutely must for her sake kept him firmly in place. Around Riku, he somehow reverted back to the old Sora. He didn't have to be loud and obnoxious around Riku, and act like he was so cool and use witty phrases. Riku was like a big brother to him, and was the closest friend he had ever had. On those days when he just wanted to lie under his covers forever, Riku was the one he called.
Not just for me, but for anyone.
With Riku, he was happy.
But I get carried away with every phrase and made-up malady.
Kairi was sweet, but he didn't love her, love her. She was more like the best sister a person could ask for. The kissing and the sex – it didn't feel right. It didn't feel romantic – it didn't even feel good.
The longer I hide behind these lies, the more I disintegrate.
The longer he stayed with Kairi, the more miserable he became. He couldn't stand it, and he knew that Kairi was noticing it. And even with Riku at his side, even with Kairi – whom he really did like, but not the way he had originally thought – He was slipping deeper.
There's so much to say, but the worst it can wait, the loneliness building with each passing day.
So much deeper, every day.
You never get used to it.
Deeper and deeper into the shadows of his conscience. Before he knew it, he was spending entire weekends in bed, crying or sleeping. Suicide never crossed his mind, but he often thought that the world would be better off without him. He couldn't stand his life. What had become of him? What had he done to himself? He had ruined himself, and he didn't know how to fix it.
You just have to live with it.
For those of you who aren't math-savvy, the solution to the function f(10) = 6x + 45 is f(10) = 105. x = 10, you see. I have Algebra II this semester, DON'T FUCKING JUDGE ME BRO.
In any case, I know you guys saw Riku coming a mile away...I'M SO PREDICTABLE /flerp