Author's notes: I know this is bad, I know it's not edited by a beta and it's not my best by far, but I just really want to post something again, so here it is! It doesn't really have an ending or anything. On that positive note, here it is! (It's not Lily by the way :) )
The Mistake
"Why would you do that, Prongs? Why?"
"Sirius, please, let me explain, I-"
"Save it, James.
"But-"
I knew my efforts were pointless, I just knew it, but seeing your best friend walk away from you after six years was tough. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't take it back now.
Part of me knew that this was it. Sirius was not coming back. As he walked out the portrait hole, leaving me on my own, I felt it. He didn't yell, he didn't scream, hell; it'd been a lot easier if he had. Angry Sirius was so much easier to bear than silent, disappointed Sirius.
Looking back on it, I know I shouldn't have kept it from them. I should've told them right away, but it wasn't easy. I felt sick for doing it, hating myself to my very core. I may have the girl of my dreams but I'd lost my three best friends getting her. I couldn't stop that niggling thought at the back of my head that told me it just wasn't worth it.
I felt her come in rather than heard her. She sat next to me and stared at the side of my head, trying to get me to speak.
"James, it's not your-"
"Don't you dare say that."
I kept my tone hard, solid, flat.
"Don't you dare say it's not my fault, because it sure in hell is."
She didn't say anything for a while. Just sat there, silent, but I could tell she just couldn't help herself. When she said it, she was almost whispering.
"What did you think would happen? You must have known they'd react this way."
I clenched my fists together. Of course I'd known. Of course I had. These boys were like my brothers; I knew their every thought.
"Of course I knew, I just–. I thought I'd deal with it better than this. I didn't think it would be this hard."
She rubbed her hand down my arm in a soothing way. I don't know why it mattered so much. She broke up with Remus weeks ago. So I should've waited a bit longer maybe, I should've told them right away, but I was too cowardly. I couldn't wait any longer. I'd waited six years for this girl; I'd waited long enough. But still…
"I just don't know if-"
I stopped myself. Could I really say this?
"James? What is it?"
Oh, what the hell.
"Is it really worth it?"
I felt her hand stiffen on my arm, heard her breath blow out in a sharp, long gust. I saw her stand up and walk away, heard the echoing slam of the dormitory door.
Shit. I should not have said that. Now I've lost her, too. But I can't hide a thing as big as that from her, she knows me too well, and it's better to tell her know on purpose than later by accident.
These were my three best friends in the world, the people closer to me than anyone else in the world, and I'd thrown them away for one girl.
I dropped my head in my hands and let out a long breath. What do I do now?