Promise Me Son

Summary: A tag to AHBL, parts one and two, I want to say….Dean's thoughts and actions leading up to making the deal. Not like it hasn't been done before, just meh take on it. It also would have spoilers for S3 so if you haven't watched, lets say up to Fresh Blood…so, read at your discretion. Sam and Dean angst, intended to be dean angst but couldn't really tell the story without some hurting on both of their ends.

Note: Lyrics from an old Kenny Rogers song I came across and Superatural just so happens to be Eric Kripke's, damn it all to hell…lucky bastard.

Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done

Walk away from trouble if you can.

"What do you want from me Sam? What?" Dean demanded, his voice angry.

I want you to not have made that deal Dean, Sam thought, I want for this all to be a nightmare.

Both brothers had gone from arguing, to yelling at one another.

Didn't he understand? Dean wondered.

Didn't Sam understand…he did what he had to do. Sam was his baby brother and his responsibility, he had to look out for him. He had to save him. There wasn't any other choice.

"I want…I want you to stop pretending that you're not scared. That you don't wake up every morning knowing that you're one day closer to being dead, and that it terrifies you. Dean, I know you better than anybody in the world, and this act, when you're scared, you always act like this…please man, just tell me the truth. Tell me the truth and start being my brother again."

Dean swallowed uncomfortably, what did he say to that, what could he possibly say in response to that.

"Sammy…" He said trying to shrug it off. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to do this, not now, and sure as hell not with his little brother.

"No. Dean." Sam's eyes were nearly shining with tears and Dean couldn't help but to felt guilty but…what could he possibly say, or do? "I'm not pretending anymore. I won't. I want--I want my brother back, not this constant act of, pretending, pretending none of this is really happening, or that you don't care...I can't take it anymore."

What would you say if I told you I didn't care, Dean thought, that maybe I'm better off dead, because I should have been, If dad had just left well enough alone, it never would have happened. Dad would have been able to save you before it ever went that far.

The truth Sammy, god, the truth is that I just wasn't good enough. I screwed up and this was the only way I knew to fix it.

Dean couldn't begin to describe the nightmare his life had suddenly become once Sam disappeared. It was like everything he was afraid of, everything he had been waiting for, it all just collapsed down on him at once.

When he saw Sam walking towards him, nursing a injured arm, it was like somehow the world had been righted again. Sam may have been hurt, but he was alive, and that was all he asked for; his brother, all he needed was Sam to make it in his screwed up world, because Sam always was able to remind him that their was something out there aside from the evil that sometimes just seemed so all consuming.

"Sam!"

"Dean." Nothing was as comforting to Sam as seeing his big brother walking towards him. They fought, they argued, but Sam knew, that even when there was nothing else he could count on…he'd always be able to count on Dean.

That fear of his brother being missing was nothing though, nothing compared to watching some kid come running at his brother with a knife in his hand and knowing that he was too late, that his brother was going to be hurt and this time, he couldn't protect him from it.

"Sam, look out!" He yelled; begging, pleading internally with god, with anything, anyone that was out there listening to make this not happen. "No!"

He was too late. He knew it from the moment he saw the kid running at Sam, from the moment the words left his mouth.

Dean caught his brother, Sam stumbled with the force of the knife slicing through his back, dropping into his brothers arms; the two of them collapsing to the ground.

"No. Sam. Sam. Sam. Whoa…" Dean struggled to steady his brother, the light brown eyes darkening, his brother's body felt heavy in his arms, like lead. "Sam, Sammy. Let me look at you. Hey! Look--Look at me. Sammy…listen to me. We're going to patch you up, okay?" Dean's voice caught in his throat, the words difficult. Everything, every movement a struggle. He could feel the tears falling, the wetness from them chafing his skin. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. No, because this was Sammy, and this…? It couldn't possibly happen to Sam. "I'm gonna take care of you." He promised him, the same way that he promised his parents that he'd never, ever let anything bad happen to his brother. That he'd look out for him and protect him.

"I'm gonna take care of you." Dean's breath hitched in his throat, he felt like he was dying. "It's my job right, watch after my pain-in-the-ass little brother? Sam. Sam. Sammy!" his brother went completely limp in his arms, his head lolling forward of its own accord.

"No. No. No. No. Oh god." Dean cried, clutching frantically at his little brother's lifeless body, pulling him close, trying to will him alive again. "Oh god." Dean rocked back and forth, cradling his brother's form, tears pooling onto Sam's shoulder.

What had he done? He had promised, he had sworn to protect Sam…and now…what had he done? He'd lost the only person he had left.

He had nothing.

"I'm sorry." Dean told his brother. After all, what was there but that. He had nothing but 'sorry.' Because truth was, if it was a matter of going back…he'd do it again. There was no other option for him but that. If his death would bring back Sam, it would give him a purpose, and Sam would be alive. He could die happy…and sorry for the pain that it caused his brother.

And he was. He was so, so sorry for not making things the way they should be, for putting his brother through the same pain and pure hell his dad had put him through but…what else was there? All the apologies in the world…they'd still come back to the one truth. He was going to die, and Sammy was going to be alone.

"Sorry?" Sam was fighting tears, he didn't want to hear sorry. He wanted Dean to tell him that he was going to fight. That he wasn't going to just lay down and give up his soul, and go to hell for him. "Dean, you traded your soul so that I could live. I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me that you're going to fight it…that you're not going to leave me alone."

"I can't tell you that." Dean said, the fear in Sam's read-rimmed eyes, causing a gut wrenching kind of misery in the pit of his stomach.

There was no way in hell he was risking his brothers life to get out of the deal. He was ready, and he'd rather be dead than alone, without his brother; living with the fact every day of his life that he failed, and that he didn't save Sam.

"You can't die Dean." Sam pleaded, "You can't leave me." Sam couldn't take it, all they'd done was lose people they loved. Why did his brother have to be taken from him too? Dean was all he had left…and he didn't know how to make it on his own, he didn't want to.

"I have to." Dean needed Sam to forgive him, to not hate him for this. He'd just done what he'd always done, watch out for him. It was all he knew. "Please don't be angry with me…I was just looking out for you."

Dean knew what he had done was unforgivable. He knew that what he'd done was selfish, and it was wrong…

"I know." Sam said quietly. "I just wish you would've taken some time from looking after me to look after yourself."

I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done

I'll walk away from trouble when I can.