Hey Guys and Gals, CheesecakeKitty here! And I'm STILL procrastinating about adding the next chapter to Assassination Theme Park! I'll get round to it eventually I promise! Anyway, I was flicking through the internet the other day when I came across some stories that had some characters from Attack on Titan playing Cards Against Humanity, and I thought, "This is great idea!". Not to mention, I have also been practically drunk on this series over the weekend, so, this is my take on it, because there simply aren't enough stories about badass troops playing this masterpiece of a game! Just a quick note before we get on with the story, some of these aren't actual cards and I either made them up or found them on the internet somewhere and thought they were funny. So, if one of your made up cards are in this story, hope you don't mind! Anyways, let's go!
Rated T for Levi's mouth and the game in general (this is Cards Against Humanity, what do you expect?).
Hanji was bored. No, scrap that, she was beyond bored. She was practically spiritless. There was nothing for her to do; everybody else was doing their own thing. Levi was taking a nap in his room (for once), Armin was reading to Eren and Mikasa in his own room and Jean was who-knows-where. Sighing, she flopped down onto her crimson carpet and lazily opened one of the drawers in search of something, anything that would keep her occupied for just a little while at least. She dug through various games, none of which seemed to interest her, tossing them to the side as if they had no purpose at all. When at last she got to the bottom, she discovered a little black box which she didn't recognise from anywhere. Picking it up, Hanji inspected the description and grinned with glee.
"Perfect…" She whispered to herself, briskly shoving the other games back into the drawer and setting the little black box upon the table.
She then bolted out of the room (still grinning like a maniac, mind you) in search of some acquaintances to bestow this game upon. She first found Jean, Armin, Mikasa and Eren and instantly shoved them up into her room, not even telling them what the hell they were about to participate in. Hanji then sprinted to Levi's room, abruptly shaking him before dragging him along for the ride too. Pushing a now highly irritated and still half-asleep captain into her room before slamming the door so hard that it could have caused an earthquake, she zoomed towards the oakwood table (forcing everyone onto seats) and dealing the cards like a ninja…that's high on sugar.
"Ummm…" Armin stammered, struggling to find the words, "Why are we here?"
"Yeah, Shitty Glasses, "Levi thundered, rubbing his eyes and scowling, "What do you think is so important that it was worth waking me up from a much-needed nap for?"
"I was bored," Hanji responded quickly, taking a seat and earning a low sigh of displeasure from her comrades, "So we are going to play a game!"
Before anybody had the chance to even think about asking "What game?" Hanji yelled at the top of her lungs, "CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY!"
Thankfully for her, her friend's face's briefly lit up (AN: Yes, Reader, even Levi) because they could remember playing it some time ago and enjoying it quite a bit (whilst getting very drunk, as you do).
"Does everybody remember how to play?" she asked, getting the response of a nod from the rest of the group, "Perfect! OK, who last took a dump?"
Everyone's mouths dropped open in shock and their eyes bulged from their sockets.
"Are you serious?" Eren shouted in disbelief.
"Really, Hanji?" Levi said stiffly, regaining his composure, "Must you be so immature?"
"No, it actually says that, look!" Hanji proclaimed, thrusting a piece of paper into his face and waiting for a sigh of defeat, "So confess! Who last took a dump?"
"2.5 hours ago…" a now pink-faced Levi confessed sheepishly, suddenly finding the floor very fascinating and fiddling with his fingers.
"1 hour ago…" Eren whispered, feeling his entire face flush scarlet.
"10 minutes ago…." Armin said finally, taking the pile of black cards after a STILL GRINNING Hanji gestured to him to do so, fear evident in his aqua eyes knowing that he was going to be scarred for life.
"Alright Armin, you are the Card Czar!" the bespectacled girl proclaimed proudly," It's your job to read the black cards and decide the winner of the round, got it?"
The blonde nodded and reached for the first black card, then (in a surprisingly loud voice) said boldly,
"Having problems with blank? Try blank!"
Immediately, everyone begun sifting through their cards at a speed that would impress any government agent. Expressions of comedic seriousness were thrown like blades until after a good minute of face pulling as if sucking a lemon, all cards were placed into the middle and shuffled. Armin put the black card face-up in front of him and picked up the first set of white ones, nearly giving himself a papercut as he did so.
"Having problems with a bleached arsehole? Try ecstasy!"
The entire room of people roared with laughter, tears spilling out Eren's eyes and Hanji slamming her hand on the table. Stifling a giggle, Armin read the next one,
"Having problems with endless stream of diarrhoea? Try seeing Grandma naked!"
A collection of uncomfortable chuckles and grimaces were unceremoniously passed like a parcel round the table from person to person.
"Ugh, whose was that?" Levi scoffed, his face even more unimpressed than usual.
Mikasa raised her hand shyly for a quick moment before pulling it back down again whilst her friends looked on in shock and disbelief.
"Who knew that Mikasa would put in something like…. that…." Jean coughed, making exceedingly awkward eye-contact with the black haired girl before returning his gaze to the cards.
"Anyway…" Armin continued after a short while, "Having problems with TITANS? Try stabbing your son with a needle full of drugs!"
Wincing, everybody waited for the torrent of abuse that was going to be thrown at whoever dared play that card. Thankfully, though, Eren was able to see the funny side of it instead of strait up murdering everyone there and then. Levi then shot the young brunette with a snarky smile and narrowed eyes indicating that he was in fact the person who had the guts to say that in front of the person it was directly intended to offend. In response, the boy looked back at him with an expression that clearly read, "Really? Was that necessary?" Levi casually shrugged it off and continued to eye his cards with an odd air of suspicion. Armin, slightly annoyed that the awkward silence had went on longer than he previously anticipated, loudly cleared his throat, earning everybody's attention once more. Without further ado, he continued to read, honestly not caring weather his friends heard him or not.
"Having problems with sucking all of the milk out of a yak? Try filling a man's anus with concreate!" The table yet again burst into a fit of giggles and girly squeals, to the point where Eren and Jean were in such hysterics that they nearly fell off their chairs. The over-enthusiastic manner in which Armin said the amazingly stupid statement didn't help as even Mikasa was attempting (and failing miserably) to hide her laughter with her scarf, and Levi had a tiny smile on his face,
"And finally!" Armin happily announced, picking up the two remaining white cards. He looked at them for a moment and his joyful expression quickly changed to a look of slight horror. He nervously glanced around the table, biting his lip and drawing in a deep breath.
"Having problems with all my friends being eaten alive? Try screaming like Armin Arlert!"
The laughter was abruptly cut off and replaced with awkward "Ooooooh"'s and "Ouch….". The blonde in question gritted his teeth as the horrific memories replayed in his head and he felt microscopic tears prick in his eyes. Levi must have noticed as he then stood up from his chair and yelled with a face like a storm, "Which absolute sicko played that? Piece of shit…"
He sat himself back down and made steely eye-contact with Hanji.
"Was that you?" He growled firmly with a threatening tone in his voice.
"Might have been…" Hanji replied, sending a flirty wink in his direction making it blatantly obvious that those were her cards.
Eren, Jean and Mikasa only shared concerned stares and worried expressions as the flame of rage that was Levi begun to rant at his fellow commander about how people can get very offended by that sort of comment and how it's a very touchy subject, to which she simply replied, "It's Cards Against Humanity, get used to it Short-Stack."
Before the stern eyed man across the table could object, a small voice piped up,
"Well technically," Armin chimed in, wiping a single tear from his eye, "The aim of the game is to try to offend people in the funniest or meanest way possible, so, she is doing it right. Hanji, you win this round!"
Levis mouth hung open in shock whilst everybody else stopped panicking and *congratulated* their superior about her win, who pushed all white cards back into a pile and dealt them out again.
"NEW RULE!" The victor screamed in inspiration and craziness, jumping atop the table and waving her arms around like a clown, "THE WINNER GETS TO CHOOSE A LOSER TO DO A DARE! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!"
"This is a terrible idea…" the rest of the players gaped in fear, jokingly making their teeth chatter.
"Well, if you don't like that idea, we can say that every time you lose you have to down a bottle of alcohol or…"
"No no, I think we'll stick with dares!" Levi said suddenly, a single bead of sweat dripping down his forehead. He couldn't be getting drunk, not in front of Eren and such anyway. Despite not having any recollection of what happened, he knew did some pretty crazy things when he got completely wasted. This was bad. Levi was strong in pretty much everything under the sun…other than his alcohol tolerance as only a few bottles could get him acting like a completely different person. He shuddered as he recalled what horrors he did at Mike's birthday party two years ago (AN: Shout out and reference to SinfulAvenue, if you're reading this!).
"What will she do with such power?" The blonde cowered in terror.
"Nah, it'll be fine," Levi reassured, patting Armin on the back, "There is a line she can't cross, what could possibly go wrong?
"YOU!" a crazy Hanji yelled, pointing a finger at Levi, "YOU MUST CATWALK AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A MODEL!"
"Are you actually kidding me Shitty Glasses?" he groaned with a deadpanned look on his face.
"You gotta do it!"
"Ugh, fine. But if you tell anybody about this I will kill you, resurrect you, and kill you again!"
With the passion and sass of a true model, Levi pouted and strutted toward the door and back, wiggling his hips and posing occasionally when he felt like it. Flicking his hair and running his hand through it, he flounced back to his seat and sat down, his emotionless mask returning.
"WHOO! That was awesome!" Eren shouted among various other praises that were received. Hanji's mouth just hung open in shock and awe, not believing that what she just saw was actually real. I mean, she didn't expect Levi to be that good at modelling (makes you wonder what he does in his spare time…). Is there anything this man can't do?
"Well then…." Hanji stuttered after opening and closing her mouth for about five minutes as if she were a fish, "That was…ummm…"
Levi just looked at her from across the table at this moment, head resting on his hands and elbows on the table. He reached across to the shelf and as quick as a flash, made himself a cup of tea and set it on the table in front of him. However, it didn't last that long because within three seconds, the entire contents of the cup had completely vanished and all that remained was a few leftover drops at the bottom. The captain then proceeded to toss the cup back onto the shelf where it landed perfectly without even cracking.
"So," Levi turned back to Hanji as if nothing had happened and as if he hadn't just done the greatest bottle flip of all time, "Are you going to read the black card or not? We haven't got all day."
"Ugh, sure, yeah, right…" the brunette woman replied, snapping out of her daydream and taking the black card in her hands. Upon reading it, she chuckled unexpectedly to herself and yet again scanned the room with a look of mischief on her face…
"What does Captain Levi like to do when he's alone?"
So there we have it guys and gals, the first chapter is over! If you really enjoyed it, please do think about giving the story a favourite and/or a follow so you know when the next chapter is up! As always, reviews and constructive criticism is appreciated but no flames please! Also, if you think that you have a particularly funny idea that you would like me to add in next time, just tell me in a review and who knows, it might end up in one of the chapters! Anyways, I have got to go now! See you later! ;3