Dueling with Dummies

Takes place in The Chamber of Secrets, chapter 11: The Dueling Club; somewhat a mini-sequel to Mornings of Gold. Why did Snape agree to be Lockhart's Assistant? For the sake of knocking him flat on his ass, of course.

"It'd be a splendid idea!" Gildoroy Lockhart said at the weekly teachers' conference. The others stared at him grumpily as he went on and on about how marvelous he was. But everyone—even Dumbledore—new better.

Gildoroy Lockhart was the biggest phony ever to grace the halls of Hogwarts as a teacher. As inept as he was as a student, no one was fooled.

"I'm sure it'd do good for the students if I started a dueling club."

A good idea? Yes. With Gildoroy teaching? No.

"I agree a dueling club would be a fun and wise way to get the students minds of the attacks, but are you sure you are the best candidate for the club, Gildoroy?" Dumbledore asked. "Professor Flitwick was once a dueling champion. Maybe—"

"Don't be modest, Dumbledore my good man. I'm not doubting Flitwick's skill, but it wouldn't sit well with me to have an old man who may keel over as my assistant."

Flitwick fumed. The teachers glared. Dumbledore's signature twinkle had done out. And Severus slurped his coffee noisily, slightly entertained. If Gildoroy knew what was good for him, he'd shut up. Now.

But as luck would have it, he was too thick.

"But I did hear that Professor Snape used to be quite the duelist." Severus chocked on his coffee. The glowers were replaced with looks of evil mischief. Even Dumbledore's twinkle returned—or was replaced by the evil twin of the twinkle…

Oh Merlin, they wouldn't, Severus thought. But they would. He knew they would.

And they did.

"I think that's a swell idea," Flitwick piped.

"Severus does have skill as a duelist," Minerva added.

"Just because I was taught by the best," Severus said, "doesn't mean I flaunt it."

Gildoroy patted Severus' shoulder. Severus tried not to act as though he had been touched by something foul.

"There, there, Severus," Gildoroy said, "no need to be shy."

Dumbledore smiled. Gildoroy was pushing all the right buttons. Severus was beginning to see red.

And the staff knew it.

"If anything," he heard Dumbledore think, specifically directing the thought to Severus, "You could probably deflate his ego a little bit. And I know you enjoy deflating egos, Severus."

"Very well," Severus said, smirking. "I will be your assistant, Lockhart."

~At the Club~

"Gather round, gather round! Can you all hear me? Can you all see me? Excellent!" Gildoroy sauntered about while Severus stood still, waiting for the right moment to knock Lockhart on his ass.

"Now Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little dueling club to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions—for more details, see my published works."

Some of the witches in the crowd sighed. Severus tried not to chortle. At least some witches preferred honor over looks—such as Rolanda.

Speaking of which, Severus spotted her by the doors. She caught his eye, glanced at Gildoroy, and rolled her eyes.

"Let me introduce you to my assistant, Professor Snape. He tells me he knows a tiny little bit about dueling himself and has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration before we begin. Now I don't want any of you youngsters to worry—you'll still have your potions mater when I'm through with him, never fear."

But will you still have a DADA teacher when I'm done? Severus thought.

In the crowd, Potter looked frightened.

Finally, Gildoroy turned and gave Severus a flourishing bow while Severus gave him only a curt nod of the head.

Gildoroy didn't respect anyone but himself, so why should Severus respect Gildoroy? Why put on a show for the stupid little girls in the crowd?

Gildoroy straightened and pointed his wand at Severus, who did likewise.

"As you see, we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position. On the count of three, we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will aim to kill, of course."

Of course not, Severus thought. I only intend to seriously maim you. It's nothing to panic over.

"One—two—three—"

"Expelliarmus!" Severus shouted. Gildoroy flew through the air and hit the wall. Most of the students were cheering. Some of the Slytherins were shouting, "Snape! Snape! Snape!" Severus also swore he could hear a girl shriek: "Not the face!"

Gildoroy tottered back to the stage, trying to regain some dignity that he lost.

Rolanda during the fray, had left. Severus tried not to growl, but a murderous sneer still made it onto his face.

The club ended up being a disaster. And Potter revealed himself to be a Parselmouth.

Which was odd enough, but Severus still felt more concerned which what had happened to Rolanda.

She was in their quarters, flipping through a letter with many pages.

"Sam sends her greetings," she says, seeing him enter. "And is wondering if you'll let her transfer to Hogwarts."

Severus laughed mockingly. "Not happening."

"Should I write that back ver batem?"

"Fine with me," Severus said, flopping onto the couch. "God! I'm sore!" He glanced at Rolanda, who was still attentive to Samara's letter. "I thought you came to watch."

"Lockhart saw me and thought it appropriate to make a pass. I didn't want to encourage him, so I left. I stayed long enough to watch you send him flying."

"I meant to knock him out," Severus said. "His skull's thicker than I thought."

"Well you tried. I'm sure Sam will brag about her very strong, brae, wonderful Dad," Rolanda kissed Severus' cheek.

A pounding knock rapped the door three times before Gildoroy entered without leave, grinning like the idiot he was. His smile faltered when he spotted Severus with his arm around Rolanda.

"Is there something you need, Gildoroy?" Rolanda asked. "Severus and I were reading a letter from our daughter."

"Daughter?"

"Yes. She attends school in France," Severus said, glaring at Gildoroy. The nerve!

Gildoroy sputtered little before pointing behind him at the door. "I'll just go. So sorry for the…uh…"

Whatever he was sorry for, they never found out. He left before saying. Severus couldn't help but smirk. Rolanda smiled, her attention back on the letter.

"Well this is interesting."

"What?"

"Sam thinks she may be in love."

Any thought of hexing Gildoroy—and plot to get Potter and Weasley expelled—left Severus' mind.

"What!"