Disclaimer: Do not own it.
1) banana smoothie
2) gay abandon
3) whale intercourse
4) Maes Hughes and Armstrong forever
5) penis chopper
6) "Don't drink that water, fish had sex in it!"
Hm. My friend edelric13 is evil and sadistic. Innocently, because I was bored in math class, I asked her to give me five conditions or words that I had to include in a story. She gave me six, but whatever. Just so you know, I don't approve of Armstrong being paired off. With anyone. -shudders- All right, read on... or not, you know. But review anyway, even if you don't. xD
And you'd better be reading this, Emilie, you transvestite lumberjack. -evil glare-
The minute Roy Mustang walked into the room, he knew something was wrong. It was evident in the way that conversation stopped, how everyone kept casting him furtive glances, and how, many moments later, talking resumed in careful, guilty tones that made him that much more suspicious.
But even more than that, it was the fact that neither Hughes nor Armstrong had come over to speak to him, or at least called out to greet him.
That alone would have tweaked Mustang's 'horse senses', but coupled with Breda, Falman, Fuery and Havoc's obvious discomfort set him on edge.
So he sat beside Havoc.
It was the men's day off, a State holiday if you will. Everyone in Ametris's capital of Central got the chance to take a much needed break. (Unless you were Riza Hawkeye and decided to work anyway, which she did.)
The day before, the seven men had arranged to all meet here, at this hotel, then go out and terrorize the town or something equally amusing for the entire day without Riza's creativity-stifling presence.
"So, break fast anyone? On me, because-" at this point Armstrong removed his shirt and struck a pose, smiling bright, "-my family has ruled the Amestris financial world for generations!!"
There was a collective sweat drop moment on everyone's part except Hughes', who was staring at Armstrong in admiration, a distracted, moonstruck expression on his face.
"...Sure, free food!" Havoc quickly agreed, recovering from the trauma of such a sparkly display rather quickly.
"Where do you want to go, Maes?" asked Armstrong in a distracted, moonstruck fashion akin to Hughes' expression.
Roy fidgeted uncomfortably, still trying to pin down the source of his suspicion.
"Well, there's this little café down the way called the Rusty Spoon, which is actually where I first... Um, yeah, never mind. But I think we should go there," Maes replied.
Roy blinked. That was where he'd first kissed Maes almost a year ago.
"All right, show the way!" Armstrong said grandly, striding out. He had put his shirt back on some time during that space-out moment on Roy's part.
"...How can the Lt.-Col. show the way if he's ahead?" Breda muttered, shaking his head as Hughes trailed behind Armstrong. The five remaining men exchanged glances, then followed the two out.
"So, Fuery, what's new?" asked Mustang casually, his sharp, almost predatory gaze belying his tone "Any new, ah, conquests?"
Kain blinked a couple of times, adjusted his glasses and fiddled with his shirt buttons – something Roy found almost irresistibly cute and alluring, but also showed the younger man's guilt – before swallowing hard and answering, "Well, I did find a home for another stray, sir." He smiled innocently.
Roy scowled a little: thwarted by Fuery, of all people! Let no one say the seemingly clueless boy was naïve. "I meant with Hughes, Master Sgt," he said, putting emphasis on the other's (lower) rank. His eyes glinted dangerously, or so he imagined.
"C'mon, Mustang, it's our day off, no need for titles, is there?" asked Havoc, easing the pressure somewhat off of Fuery.
Roy's scowled deepened, but he knew they had him. "True," he conceded reluctantly. "We'd better hurry up, we're losing the other." And so they were; Falman and Breda, two men whom Mustang knew to be straight, were about half a block up. Maes and Armstrong were a block ahead of them.
Previously, Mustang had the giant pinned down as straight, same as Breda and Falman, but lately... No, it didn't bear thinking about; the thought seemed quite horrifying for him.
Roy went out with Maes; they'd discovered Havoc, who had gotten together with Fuery, and they mostly kept to themselves after that, much to the formers' dismay. Lately, though, the relationship between himself and Hughes could have been called strained – at best! Last night, Hughes had called Roy, asking him to come over, but he'd declined, saying he had work to do – a lame excuse, considering his reputation for procrastination – and Maes had broken down, practically begging him to come over – so they could have sex. Mustang declined again and Hughes had hung up on him. Perhaps Maes was just trying to get back at him now?
"Hey, Roy, what do you want?" Havoc asked, nudging him. They were all seated at the café and he hadn't even noticed coming in.
"...Tea," Mustang said automatically, noticing he was seated between Fuery and Havoc – how had that happened...?
Armstrong nodded and rose to place their order. Beside his vacant seat was Maes, then Falman, Havoc, Roy, Fuery and Breda, completing the circle.
Breda and Falman were having a discussion on battle tactics, but it was strained. The other men just shifted uneasily.
"So, um, what'd you guys order?" Roy asked, trying to break the silence.
"Banana smoothie!" Fuery exclaimed with gay abandon.
"Coffee," Havoc said, casting a fond glance around Mustang in his boyfriend's direction.
"Tea!" Breda added before returning to his conversation with Falman.
"Strawberry milkshake," Hughes mumbled, blushing a little.
Roy bit his lip. He always shared a strawberry milkshake with Maes.
"I'm having water--" Falman started to say, noticing the uncomfortable silence.
"Don't drink that water, fish had sex in it!!" hysterically screamed a man from the table beside theirs. The man he was sitting with tried to calm him down while spouting apologies to Falman and the rest.
Armstrong came back radiating pink sparkles, and the strange fish man was ushered out by his companion.
"Banana smoothie, coffee, tea, tea, water," Armstrong announced, handing out the drinks to their drinkers.
"You don't have a drink, Armstrong," Roy remarked, taking a sip of his tea as the giant sat down beside Hughes. Everyone seemed to freeze as he said this, so he added, "Unless you're sharing with someone, that is." He took another sip of tea, his obsidian eyes focussed solely on his fellow State Alchemist.
Armstrong and Hughes exchanged glances before the blonde (if people with one tuft-slash-wisp of hair can have their hair colour substituted for their names) said, somewhat nervously, "Why yes, I'm sharing with Hu--"
"Maes," the camera-happy other corrected, citrus eyes daring Mustang to comment.
Falman and Breda shifted uncomfortably. While they knew of and tolerated their comrades' orientation, the two weren't exactly at ease when it was discussed as openly as it was now.
"Yes-" Armstrong cleared his throat, "-with Maes."
"I see," Mustang replied easily. He was finished his tea (he'd once won a speed-sipping competition) and rose. "Well, I've actually got a bit of a headache, so I think I'll just go back home."
And he turned and left.
"...Should we go after him, Jean?" he heard Fuery murmur to Havoc. Whatever he answered must have been affirmative, for several moments after Roy had walked onto the street, Kain and Jean ran up behind him.
"Wait, colonel!" Jean called, apparently forgetting the whole 'no titles' policy.
"What?!" Mustang demanded, spinning suddenly. He had a feeling it was about to rain very soon.
"W-well, sir," Fuery said, "maybe you should talk to Lt.-Col. Hughes and--"
"And what?! Ask to join in, for God's sake?!" snapped Roy irrationally. It really wasn't Kain's fault... "I can just imagine it, it must be like, like... whale intercourse!!"
"That's a bit harsh, Mustang, and you know it!" growled Havoc. "Come on, my apartment's (conveniently) only about two blocks away, so why don't we go there until you've calmed down some, okay?" Havoc took one of his arms while Fuery took the other and started walking him to the 2nd Lt.'s apartment.
"I am calm..." Roy whispered, closing his eyes. He'd been right, it had started to rain.
"It's all right, Roy," Fuery said timidly, patting the arm he was holding comfortingly.
"...Wish I had a penis chopper right now," Roy muttered, sniffling a little.
"You're not thinking of becoming a eunuch, are you? Be a damn waste..." Havoc muttered. "We're almost there," he added, guiding Roy into a ten-storey apartment block.
"8-9, if I remember correctly," Mustang said in a subdued voice. "And I wanted the penis chopper so I could chop off Armstrong's penis!!"
"...Well, I can't say I would try to stop you," Jean agreed as they stepped sideways into the elevator (the doors were only wide enough for two to go abreast.) "So, you've seen 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights', then?"
"Yeah, it was good. Funny. I saw it with Maes..." he trailed off and stayed silently until they got to the eighth floor.
Havoc fumbled with his keys for a couple of moments before managing to open the door to admit them.
"I bought Havoc a new bed," Fuery remarked as they walked in. "His old one was all small and the mattress wasn't very comfy."
"I know," Roy said absently as Havoc bustled about, tidying a little.
"Want to see it? It's really nice."
"...Um, all right," Mustang mumbled, following Fuery into the hall. The bedroom was on the left.
"See, isn't it great?" Fuery said proudly.
It was quite grand. King-sized, with tasteful navy sheets, a light quilt and a Space Foam mattress. The sheets were mussed, and a tube of lube sat on the bedside table.
"Yeah, it's nice," Roy muttered, turning to leave, only to be blocked by the taller Havoc. He hadn't even heard the blonde come up.
"Don't you want to try it out?" Fuery asked innocently from behind him as Havoc bent slightly and placed a kiss against his superior's gaping lips.
Back at the Rusty Spoon, Armstrong and Hughes were making out passionately, oblivious to the disturbance they were causing to basically everyone else there.
Falman and Breda decided to leave.
But not before the latter wrote 'Armstrong & Hughes for 4evr!!' on the oblivious Armstrong's bald head in leftover banana smoothie.
All right. I hope that wasn't too horrible. Please just leave a comment or a rating (between 1-10, 1 being terrible, 10 excellent, etc.).
Also, I'm looking for someone to possibly beta my stories? If you're interested, review or send me a message from my profile. Thanks!
-QS-