Title: Simple

Summary: Companion piece to Atlas Shrugged. "Without another word, Logan turned and walked away, rain pouring down the side of his face. He had never felt more alone." Logan's perspective. James/Logan slash.

Warnings: Only some mild language and violence. However, this is a companion piece to another story I have posted on this site, Atlas Shrugged, so it probably won't make sense without reading the other beforehand. Unlike Atlas Shrugged, the events in this story are linear and go in the order of which they happen.

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, nor any of the characters involved. I also do not own As I Lay Dying. No copyright infringement intended.

Kendall had been around from the very moment that Logan had moved to town, his first real friend.

Logan had always appreciated that, more so than he could even begin to voice.

And if he wanted to be completely honest with himself, he would have lost everything—everything that mattered—had it not been for Kendall.

Throughout the months, the years, Logan always turned to Kendall, even late at night, crawling in through his bedroom window to access the one person he could talk to about anything and everything.

So, Logan would climb up the lattice to the second floor of the house, and he would gently tap at the window until he caught his friend's attention. Then the two of them would sit next to each other, right below Kendall's bedroom window, and they would just talk.

Logan could confide in Kendall, was comfortable with it, despite always being a very withdrawn and distant sort of person.

But Kendall understood. Had always understood, no matter the subject, and Logan could never quite understand that.

In all honesty, Logan had been truly terrified for a while that he would fall in love with Kendall. That he would get all caught up in the idea of having someone so close that he felt safe with, and he would falter under the fear of losing that security he seemed to have. It would end bloody, and Logan would come out of it destroyed beyond all recognition.

Or, perhaps, he was just being insecure.

However, none of that seemed to matter. He never fell in love with Kendall, never would, because despite everything, fate seemed to have different plans for his heart.

It seemed as though the one person he would have never initially suspected was able to slither right past his guards and into the carved out cavity of his chest. Latch onto the very muscle of his heart and hold on tight through it all.

Truly, Logan couldn't find it within himself to mind because, somehow, over the slow pass of time, James became everything.

September 7th, 2008

It was the middle of the night, and the chill outside seemed capable of creeping all the way through to the very marrow of Logan's bones as he walked down the street. The wind did nothing to help ease Logan's nerves, and he scowled at the ground, trying to burrow deeper into the fleece of his jacket. Leaves danced across the pavement in front of him, scraping against the asphalt, and Logan couldn't shake the anxiety that had his muscles straining at the tendons.

He hated being out here, in the dead of night, when every little noise or movement had him on edge instinctively. He felt vulnerable, and he hated it.

But he had some place he wanted to be.

So he walked, and walked, and tried to ignore the feelings of ominous dread that clung to him like a bloodthirsty leach. He finally reached the garden lattice that crept up the siding of a light blue home, and he glanced up to the window pane, moonlight reflected off from the glass surface.

He tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace than anything else to him, and he started to climb.

As he finally reached the window, he leaned close to try and glance past the glare from the moonlight. All he could see was darkness and a small form curled up beneath a dark navy fleece blanket. His smile, this time, felt a little more genuine.

He tapped on the window softly, and watched as the shape on the bed moved, right before a pair of light green eyes opened and pierced straight through the darkness to meet his.

Within moments, the boy crawled from the bed, and opened the latch. Logan crawled through without a single word, and found himself standing in front of Kendall, wearing a sheepish grin.

"What are you doing here?" Kendall whispered softly, trying to keep his own smile from splitting his face in two.

Logan simply shrugged.

Instead of pressing the topic further, Kendall leaned back against his wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Logan followed his lead, his brown eyes watching Kendall carefully.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked after a moment, because something had to be wrong. Logan wouldn't walk three blocks in the middle of the night and climb up an unsteady lattice for no reason at all. Kendall just knew that somehow, and Logan smiled once more, a little subconsciously.

The room was much warmer than it was outside but that didn't stop Logan from burrowing deep into his jacket, trying to hide himself. There wasn't anything necessarily wrong, but the unease was still there, a constant presence buried deep in the pit of Logan's chest. He released a deep sigh and let his head lull against the drywall behind him.

"I've been here for three months," Logan murmured quietly, and without any real intent. He was just thinking out loud honestly, trying to collect stray puzzle pieces and see the big picture.

Kendall simply stared at him. "Yeah, and?"

It was clear that Kendall couldn't yet see what Logan was getting at, so Logan paused for a moment, closed his eyes, and thought about what exactly he was trying to say. His thoughts were scattered all over the place, and he felt as though nothing he could say would come out quite right. "You know how when something is out of place...or it just doesn't fit right...how it seems to upset the balance of everything around it?"

Kendall frowned slightly and his eyebrows pulled together in consideration. Then, suddenly, all traces of confusion cleared and Kendall's gaze sharpened to something almost a little fierce. He somehow managed to appear both fond and exasperated at the same time. "Logan, you fit, okay? Is that what all of this is about?"

"I just– I don't know how to explain it."

"C'mon," Kendall said reassuringly, his hand suddenly resting on Logan's shoulder and causing the remaining chill in his muscles to disappear. "You're like the missing piece we needed all along. And not just when it comes to hockey practice and help with math...you fit, okay?"

Logan sighed yet again and stared straight into Kendall's eyes, absorbing the fierce certainty that existed there. Somehow, Kendall managed to loosen the knot of nerves in the center of Logan's stomach. He felt slightly more secure with himself now, but there was still a niggling bit of doubt in the back of his mind.

His muscles relaxed, and he closed his eyes, and when he spoke, it was the timid, uncertain whisper that gave him away. "James doesn't like me."

Moments passed, and when Logan finally reopened his eyes, he could see that Kendall understood completely now.

Perhaps even more so than Logan himself.

"He just doesn't know you," Kendall said after a moment, and the tone of his voice caused a shiver to run down Logan's spine.

October 2nd, 2009

"Have you ever read...As I Lay Dying?"

Initially, they connected through novels, and Logan knew that. But that wasn't all there was to it, because there was this burning cable of electricity that seemed to connect himself to James every time they were together. There was something there, something potent and earth-shattering, simmering beneath the surface, growing as the days passed.

Logan tried to ignore it, tried so fucking hard, but it was unlike anything he had ever experienced before in his entire life. It terrified him.

James shook his head in answer to Logan's question, but there was a smile on his face, something sweet and satisfied all at once. His hazel eyes shone with emotion.

Logan simply shrugged and returned his smile, and nothing else even mattered.

"Sounds good, though," James murmured a moment later, his gaze returning to the clouds above them that looked dark and ominous. A storm was brewing on the horizon, and Logan wondered how much more time they had to spend on their hill before they'd inevitably have to seek shelter. "Maybe I'll get it the next time I'm at the library with Julie."

Logan hummed softly in response and closed his eyes, trying to hold onto the seconds that were gradually ticking away. He didn't want to leave, not now, not so soon, but the thunder rolling in the distance caused him to shiver.

He swallowed hard and felt panic surge within him, the promise of something violent hiding within the depths of his mind. Whether it had to do with the storm or James, Logan wasn't sure.

It seemed as though there were parallels between the two—the build-up of something tense and fervid, the inevitable climax, and...the aftermath. God, Logan was terrified and it was holding him back.

He opened eyes, and tried to ignore the way his chest seemed to hollow out with fear.

He felt a raindrop fall on his forehead, thunder rumbling once more, and he sat up. "We should leave," he gestured vaguely to the sky. "It's going to storm."

For now, he would pull away and retreat.

He honestly didn't think he was capable of facing it head-on.

November 30th, 2009

"What does this mean? What are we–"

"Nothing, right? It's just...nothing. That's what you want, isn't it? Simple."

It killed Logan to say those words, because he wanted more, so much more, because he loved James, truly and completely. But he was terrified; he didn't want to say the wrong thing and cause James to leave him when this had only just begun. He needed a chance to show James that they could have something good, and this was it.

"No strings-attached, yeah?"

He hoped the tremor in his voice wasn't obvious, hoped that he sounded steady and certain when he really felt as though his heart was lodged in the center of his throat. He didn't want no-strings attached, he just wanted James, but the fear of rejection weighed heavily on his thoughts. So, he lied. He had always been good at hiding himself.

"Just...simple."

Logan finished and tried to take a deep breath as quietly as he could manage, so as to not give himself away and reveal his nerves. He only hoped that he could get James to fall in love with him before it was too late, before his pretenses faltered.

So, for now he would pretend as though all of this meant nothing to him, when in fact it meant everything to him. He could handle that. For now.

Logan couldn't see James' expression or the look in his eyes. If he could have, he might have realized how wrong he was. Because James did love him, so much, and the hurt in those hazel eyes would have revealed everything if only Logan would have seen it.

"Yeah," James said, voice soft and quiet. "No strings-attached."

Because, well, James would agree to anything as long as it gave him Logan.

December 2nd, 2010

Logan was tired.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to numb himself any longer. He was pretending and hiding and trying so desperately to be something that he wasn't, that he was losing bits and pieces of himself as the days continued to pass.

Because he loved James, but James wasn't his, not really anyways. Not in the ways that mattered.

There was only so much he could handle, and he had finally reached his breaking point.

As the thought invaded his mind, Logan glanced up and met James' empty hazel eyes, watching him. There was nothing in those eyes, not even a single trace of muted affection. Because this meant nothing to James.

But it meant everything to Logan.

He swallowed hard, and looked down, tried to ignore Julie's piercing stares and questioning glances. His eyes burned and took a deep breath, resting his head on his folded arms atop the cafeteria lunch table. Every ounce of resistance and hope he had left was slowly slipping away from him, and he resigned himself to the fact that James...would never love him. He shuddered, and tried to hide himself in the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

Almost as though Kendall knew, Logan felt the familiar warmth of his hand press against his back, reassuringly.

The hand stayed in place against his shoulder for the rest of the lunch period, but it was impossible for Logan to draw comfort from it when it felt as though his whole world was collapsing in on itself.

December 4th, 2010 11:46 p.m.

"I can't do this anymore...I can't."

It's because I'm alone.

"What do you mean?"

"This, James...Us," Logan choked. "I can't handle it...It's tearing me apart."

If I could just feel it, it would be different, because I would not be alone.

"Wait... Hold on."

"No. It's killing me, okay?"

And he could do so much for me, and then I would not be alone.

"But–"

Without another word, Logan turned and walked away, rain pouring down the side of his face.

He had never felt more alone.

December 5th, 2010 3:02 a.m.

Logan's fist made a satisfying crack as it collided with the brick wall.

The storm rumbled around him, rain pouring down and washing away the blood that pooled on his knuckles from where the coarse texture had broken his skin. A sob caught in his throat, and he clenched his eyes shut to try and block out everything around him. He wasn't even sure where he was, and he couldn't find it within himself to care as he leaned forward and rested his forehead against the brick wall.

Water dripped down the side of his face, and he absolutely refused to open his eyes. His hand was killing him, but even that couldn't compare to the pain deep in the center of his chest, throbbing and aching every time blood pulsed through his heart.

More than anything...he wanted to hate James. Because James didn't care.

And Logan cared too much.

After a moment, Logan turned his back to the brick wall and sat down on the cement, uncaring of the puddles that surrounded him, because he couldn't get anymore soaked if he actually tried.

He had been standing outside, walking around, for the past three hours. He had no idea where to go, because he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want anyone to ever see him this ruined.

Minutes passed and Logan tried to focus solely on the noises around him, rather than his inability to breath correctly. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and he buried his face in the crook of his arm, just trying to disappear completely.

He was freezing, the rain was very nearly snow, but that wasn't enough either. His throat was tight and his chest hurt. Nothing would make it stop.

Before he was even aware, he was up and moving, running as quickly as he could down the middle of the street. He had no intent or direction that he was consciously aiming for, but when he glanced up, he saw the familiar white, garden lattice and choked on another sob.

He climbed it as carefully as he could, but there was a bit of ice gathering on the edges and the water wasn't helping his grip in the slightest. Finally, he reached the window and knocked with his hand that wasn't bleeding and aching.

Kendall was there almost immediately, concern written across his face as he pulled Logan in through the window. He seemed to be saying something, trying to get Logan's attention, but Logan was crying too much, and he couldn't hear beyond that.

As he leaned back against the wall and slid down, almost reminiscent of so many years prior, Logan tried to calm himself by taking a deep breath. Kendall shut the window quickly and was at Logan's side before he could even blink, his hand on Logan's shoulder, and for some reason that just made him cry even harder.

"What did you do?" Kendall demanded, voice harsh and thick with concern. "Logan, what the fuck did you do?"

"I ruined everything," Logan very nearly screamed, his voice hoarse and worn out, and he realized at the moment, that he had been screaming and yelling at nothing when he had punched that brick wall. Maybe that was why it had been so hard to get a deep breath, his throat was rubbed raw.

Kendall stood up and left his side for a moment, and then there was a blanket being wrapped around him. It was only then that he noticed how his body was completely wracked with shivers, because his clothes were soaking wet and it was so cold outside, what exactly had he expected?

"Calm down, you have to calm down," Kendall was saying, trying to soothe him, his hands running through Logan's hair.

Logan wasn't sure how much time passed, but he gradually felt himself relaxing, just slightly, and he was able to look at Kendall—truly look at him.

"What did you do?" Kendall repeated, voice a dark whisper.

"I fucked up, Kendall," Logan said, and he didn't even know where to start. No one had known about James and Logan's relationship. How could he put it into to words? "I– James–..."

But Kendall seemed to understand, as though he did know, and suddenly, he looked furious.

"I– I couldn't do it anymore. Not when he doesn't care, not when it means nothing."

"What?" Kendall started, his eyes alight with anger. "Why would you do that, Logan? Do you have any idea what you've just done?" He was nearly screaming, and Logan was partially amazed that Kendall's parents hadn't yet stormed into the room, demanding an explanation.

Logan swallowed hard and tried not to make it obvious that he was cowering beneath Kendall's intense gaze.

"He loves you, don't you get that? It couldn't be anymore obvious, and you would still ignore it, because you're too afraid to see it. You're too afraid to do anything about it."

Logan choked, his eyes brimming with tears all over again. "That's not–"

"It is the truth, whether you want to see it or not!" Suddenly, Kendall seemed to deflate completely, and his gaze softened. "Why can't you ever just let yourself be happy for once?"

"Then why didn't he ever say anything!" Logan shouted back, suddenly fervent; his blood was boiling, and tears like molten lava were sliding down his face. "Do you think I would have done this, ruined everything, Kendall, if there was even the slightest doubt in my mind? Do you think I really would have given it all up for fucking nothing?" he faltered for a moment, and he turned his face away from Kendall to stare at the wall. "I know...I have problems getting close to people, okay, I know that...but that's not what caused this."

Abruptly, Logan turned back to Kendall, raising his arms as though he was showcasing himself to a group of scientists studying him carefully for flaws or possible defects. The anger in his expression outshone every other emotion, causing his brown eyes to flare with it, his cheeks flushed and still tracked with tears. "That's not what this is about, because James is already close, don't you fucking get that? He couldn't get any closer if he cut my chest opened and crawled inside, and that's what the problem is. He means so much to me, and I don't even know where I stand with him! I mean nothing."

And as he spoke, he could feel the current of energy that had kept him going just diffuse out of his body, right along with the fevered words he spoke. It left him feeling weak in ways that he couldn't even begin to describe, nothing more than a quiet buzz ringing in his ears.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and suddenly it was an effort to reopen them and focus on Kendall once more. There was a haunted disbelief in his friend's green eyes as he stared back, his hair still mused from sleep, and his muscles slack as though he didn't know what to do or what to say.

Logan chuckled darkly, and closed his eyes all over again. He didn't have the energy to be upset any longer, he didn't have the capability to continue this fight, and furthermore, he just didn't care anymore.

Within moments, he was already drifting to sleep, still sitting against the wall right beneath the window where they had spent so many nights talking and laughing. The memories were almost reassuring, a healing balm for the wounds that had been torn into him as the night passed, bleeding and aching.

"You fucking idiot," he heard Kendall say, but his tone was tender and careful, almost affectionate. "You mean everything to him. You are everything." There was an edge of exasperation to the words, as though what he was saying shouldn't even need to be spoken at all, as though it should have been obvious all along. And maybe it was, if only Logan had allowed himself to see it.

Rekindled hope burned through his body, but he allowed himself to sleep, if only for now.

He was gone by the time the sun rose.

December 5th, 2010 12:33p.m.

He stared at the dark wood of the door in front of him, and at that moment, certainty held strong inside of him.

He was a wreck and he had spent the last five hours walking around, thinking, but now he understood, so that was okay. It was all okay.

Every muscle in his body ached, and he could feel it, deep in his back and shoulders, when he raised his hand to knock at the door. The physical stress was nearly overwhelming—whether from crying until his muscles were trembling or punching that brick wall or sleeping sitting up, it was all too much. His skull pounded in sync with the door.

Logan knew James was here though, and that was all that mattered.

Suddenly, Julie opened the door and her eyes widened with clear distress. She has always hated seeing her friends hurt, and her concern made his eyes sting all over again. He didn't deserve it.

Water dripped from his hair, into his eyes, and he didn't even try to smile at her. It felt impossible.

"Where is he?" Logan asked, and he was almost startled by how thick his voice sounded, or how it was painful to even get the words out. It felt as though he swallowed battery acid, burning everything on its way down his esophagus.

Without a single word, Julie gently grasped onto his hand and pulled him forward, directing him through the small house. And when Julie finally pushed open the door to reveal James, curled up on the floor, sleeping, Logan felt his legs move forward. Before he could even fully comprehend it, he was kneeling on the floor beside James, and pressing a hand against the warm skin of James' neck.

Warmth eased through the cracks of his ribcage as James leaned into the touch, the faintest hint of a smile at the corners of his lips.

Then he was curled around James completely, holding back the urge to sigh in relief and cry all at once as James turned to face him. James' arms carefully wrapped around his waist as though he instinctively knew that every muscle in Logan's body was absolutely throbbing.

That was all it took, and Logan crumbled completely. "I'm sorry," he choked. "I'm so fucking sorry."

James just opened his eyes, looked at him, and offered a small smile of reassurance. It was almost as if he understood completely, everything Logan had gone through the night before. "I know."

His anxiety melted away.

June 17th, 2011

"James...this is crazy, I don't–"

Logan broke off as he glanced down one more time, his eyes focusing on the water and internally calculating the distance of the drop. The sun glistened off from the waves, and he had to close his eyes in order to steady both his breathing and his balance. He had always hated heights or, well...anything outside of his control.

"Do you trust me, Logan?" James said from beside him, voice soft and only slightly amused. And, really, Logan couldn't even blame him for that, because from James' vantage point, seeing Logan all flustered and unsure...it probably was pretty amusing.

Logan smiled carefully, his eyes still held tightly shut. His hand was clutching desperately onto James', their fingers intertwined, and it was the only thing keeping Logan grounded from this high up. "More than anything else in the entire world."

"Then fall."

And so, Logan fell.

Their hands stayed connect through the drop, and then they broke through the water, feeling it rush around them. The chill was nice, soaking through his clothes, and Logan paused for a moment beneath the water, letting it mollify him. Then he swam forward, following James' lead, and the first thing he saw when he broke the surface once more was James' beaming smile and hazel eyes.

Logan smiled back just as brilliantly, water dripping down his face. For a moment, he glanced back up at the hillside and realized that the drop really wasn't that far at all.

His smiled widened, and he focused on James once more, his hand raising and gently pushing through James' hair.

Sunlight glistened off from hazel eyes, and that...well, that was just fucking perfect.

Author's Note: I have absolutely no idea where this came from. In fact, I should probably be more focused on finishing other, more long term projects that I've been working on, but this...just popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone. I thought it might be nice to see Logan's side of things, and it somehow turned out even more brutal than the original.

Thanks, yet again, to everyone! I appreciate all of your encouragement! :D

Now, I'm curious. Who do you sympathize more with, James or Logan? Thoughts, opinions?