A big thank you to the indifferent child of earth for letting me put your "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do" into story form.

I'll do my best not to screw it up too much.

Thanks again!

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If you haven't noticed by now, the indifferent child of earth has graciously allowed me to put their one-shot "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do" into story form. None of these 'numbers' are by me, and all belong to 'em.

So….let's start with No. 1, 2, and 3 shall we?

1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...

2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper...

3. ...or Carlisle

(Mike)

"Newton!"

Just keep walking. Don't turn around, don't think about talking to him. Just keep walking.

"Newton! Come here!"

God no. Just walk. Look, there's Connor. Go talk to him. No wait! Connor don't walk away! Save me!

"Newton! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

No where to run, no where to go. Might as well-

"Geez Newton! I'm not goin' to hurt ya!"

"So what do you want?" Teeth gnashed against each other, cold tremors ran down my spine as a rock solid hand descended upon my shoulder. He snickered as I turned, the heel of my shoe squeaking in protest against linoleum. My eyes widened as I watched his face break out into an evil grin in horror. "Please, don't hurt me. Take my lunch money, throw my books on the floor. Do whatever you want," My hands dove downward as I moved to protect myself. "Just please don't hurt me."

He blinked.

"You think……You think I'm going to hurt you? Sheesh Newton you are a pansy." I gaped like a fish at him, trying to form a coherent sentence. The guy insulted me, in front of two people who were now running away. "But," he waved his hand "I'm not." His evil grin came back.

"You're…..not?"

"That's what I said wasn't it?"

"Well, yeah but." He grin grew. And that kids, is why everyone quickly turns around and walks away when Emmett Cullen stalks to halls. "There's something you should know."

"Oh?" Most of my terror subsided, and I could only look up at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, yeah." His grin became toothy, very toothy. Very my-teeth-are-so-white-I-hope-they-blind-you-right-here-and-now toothy.

A few minutes of silence passed and he started to chuckle.

"Can I go now?" I questioned, slowly inching away toward the nearest door.

He frowned at me, shaking his head. "No, not yet. There's something you need to know, and it's best you hear it from me." He waved his hand, trying to beckon me over.

"Nah, you can tell me later, I uh, I have to go." I tried to smile at him, quickly turning to run to the door. I was nearly there; I had the handle in my hand and everything when he opened his mouth to speak again.

"You do know why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella don't you?"

Now that got my attention. The mention about Bella I mean.

I gave him another quizzical look, slowly letting go of the handle and walking toward him. "Noo…"

He threw his hands up in the air. "You're kidding me right?"

"Noo…"

"So you don't know?"

"Noo…" He shrugged.

"Well the reason he's never dated is because……" He swiveled around, smiling as he looked for any other students who were innocent enough to walk by.

"Because……" Emmett smiled, his eyes narrowing.

"Is because…. Edward's gay." The silence grew as Emmett's words finally sunk in.

"Well, that would explain a lot…"

"Wouldn't it though?" He shrugged, trying to hide his smile. Obviously bored with the conversation he was attempting to have with me; he raised his arm, as if checking an invisible watch. "Well it's been fun, but I have other things to do, people to see, stuff to be blamed for…You know, the works."

The works?

He started to walk away, but stopped to call over his shoulder,

"And did you know that he has a crush on Carlisle and Jasper? Talk about an uncomfortable situation!"

Still really confused –and bewildered, but mostly confused- I stared at him, watching him turn and jog down the hall and out the door to the parking lot toward Edward's car.

"…Stuff…to be…blamed…for?" I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant when I finally realized that I was already ten minutes late for bio.

"Glad to see you decided to join us Mr. Newton," Banner barked from the board as I pushed through the door. Emmett's words began to repeat themselves over in my head as I sat down in my chair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward glare at me, frowning as Mr. Banner began talking about mitosis of cells.

"And so when there's one cell-" Edward's …gay? "And then there's also-" Edward's gay"After which the new cell begins to-" Edward's gay! Duh! "Of course now there is-" Edward Cullen is gay! "Now that the process if over-" Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella because he's gay!

I must have said this last bit out loud, because before I knew it the rest of the class had turned to stare at me, and Edward continued to glare a few holes into my head, as if he was trying to read my mind or something. The girls shot sorrowful looks at the happy but now annoyed couple.

"Would you care to repeat that Mike?" Mr. Banner asked, turning away from his crappy rendition's of multiple cells.

"I, uh well, I said…I mean," I cleared my throat uncomfortable. Hey, why not tell the world that their idol is a fruitcake?

"We're waiting."

"I said that, um…I thought that the one cell was, uh…No I said that, um…" I sifted in my chair, feeling some cold sweat trickle down the back of my neck. "My uncle…Elvis never had a girlfriend before….um, Bianca was because he was…..gay?" I said, shrugging.

"That's nice; now keep your comments about your uncle's sexuality to yourself, if you don't mind." Mr. Banner said, picking up a piece of chalk to draw some more cells on the board. "While we're on the subject, let's go over the traits and genes that make up the Y and X chromosomes…" The rest of the class was drowned out as my conversation with Emmett replayed over in my head again.

By the end of bio I was out the door faster than I'd come through it, ready to go to gym and bash the heck out of a tennis ball when a cold hand landed on my shoulder.

"So…how'd it go?" Emmett hissed into my ear, smirking at all the other students walking by, giving me pity glances.

"How did…um, what go?" I gulped, watching Edward walk out of Mr. Banner's room with a confused Bella trailing along beside him. As Edward passed by a small clump of kids, they broke out into fits of giggles, whispering at him. He came to a halt, his eyes narrowing into slits at me.

Emmett removed his hand.

Edward clenched his hands into fists.

Emmett took a step back.

"Emmett," Edward hissed, now glaring at both me and his brother. He took a few steps toward us, Bella still hanging by his side. Instead of charging toward his brother like he was going to, he changed course so he was stalking right toward me.

"Oh sh-" I started to say, but was cut off by Emmett's outburst of laughter. Edward's eyes never left mine. I gulped, finally coming to a resolution.

Edward Cullen was a gay man, and I was a dead man.

Well, I was going to be dead soon anyways.

As he soon towered over me, I was only able to squeak,

"Have mercy."

I admit, not the best, and of course now I just realized that I didn't get too indepth about the whole 'crushes on Carlisle and Jasper' thing. Oops. But it's just the beginning. Oi vey. Another thanks to the indifferent child of earth for letting me post this. Hope you enjoy this story.

And that goes for the rest of you too. More story behind the list "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do" will come soon, so just be sure to look for it.

Based on "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do"

by the indifferent child of earth