"Seeing people change isn't what hurts.
What hurts is remembering who they used to be"
(Unknown)
Do you remember the way we ran? The way we tried to catch the wind; let it catch us mid-run and carry us away. Away from our parents, and the other kids (who would never understand), away from our lives that were so imperfect to our childhood eyes.
Holding hands and breathing heavy we would eventually collapse on the ground; even we couldn't catch the wind and so we would go to our little corner and talk about what only we could; magic. We immersed ourselves in it, in talks of Hogwarts and lessons, of Diagon Alley and the ministry of magic. We talked of a world we belonged in but had yet to be admitted into.
And sometimes after a particularly nasty night you would come and we would plan our escape. For you it was escape from daily torment, of dishes being thrown, of... I don't know. We were young; we didn't talk about the bad in detail. It would be mentioned of course but... It was the plan that was important.
I wonder who took those plans more seriously; you who would look for holes in it so that our escape would be perfect "no, no, that wouldn't work. Come on Lily think, think!" Or me who was so scared they would work that sometimes I would lie awake thinking but what if I miss mum, or dad or Tuney? In the end we just waited for Hogwarts but the trying was fun right?
I can't think back to those days without smiling; the meetings in the parks, the sneaking around, hiding from Petunia… It was great. Ok, so the park wasn't the best, the slides were rusted, teenagers hung around on the benches, the grass was over grown but Severus we made it something more, we made it magical.
Do you remember the way I tried to fly? The way I swung higher and higher on that swing, hoping, wishing that the wind would catch me… It did but it didn't take me away. Not the way I wanted. I wanted to escape from a sister who hated me more and more every day and you, you wanted to escape her shouts and his violence.
I dreamed we would escape, even after our plans faded and lay forgotten, I dreamed of a world beautiful and kind, of fairies and freedom.
Somewhere where we could just be.
I dreamed she would forgive me, I dreamed it would all go back to the way it was.
I dreamed for you too. I dreamed they'd stop fighting and shouting.
I dreamed they'd fall in love again.
I believed in the impossible.
I was a dreamer.
I wonder what happened to that dreamer. I wonder where she went. Or is she still here, just locked away under the fear and the hurt and the pain...
It's funny isn't it that we wanted freedom back then. Or it's not. Its bitter sweet rather, ironic. We didn't realise what we had then, that was freedom, freedom from pressure to choose the right friends, the right side, freedom from knowledge.
Because back then we didn't know about war and prejudice and death.
Not even you Sev, knew or understood just what it meant. We were innocent and free and young and yet we wanted escape, we wanted what we thought was greater.
It wasn't.
It was escape from your parents and my sister but then with a hat everything changed. You became a Slytherin, I a Gryffindor.
I'm sorry Sev. I'm sorry I wasn't what you expected. You were so sure we would be together, you were wrong. I'm a Gryffindor. It may have taken me a while to realise it (so keen was I to be who you wanted) but it's who I am, it's home and I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry because I know or at least I think that had I been in Slytherin our friendship could have been so much stronger, so much…easier.
So I'm sorry Severus, I'm sorry I made it so hard.
But we still had some great times, eh? Laughing, joking, sitting by the lake. Escaping everyone else, we would create our own world.
It wasn't perfect we fought over stupid things, over James potter but a fight in the morning was forgotten by the afternoon. I remember that time in first year; you stood up to Mulciber for me. You got hexed but you stood up for me.
It's one of my greatest memories. It shows me I wasn't all wrong about you, you cared for me right?
It wasn't all a lie.
Do you remember how we promised to stay friends forever? Do you remember when we said we didn't care what our housemates said?
I don't know if you remember but I do. I remember sitting behind a tree and planning our futures. I won't ask you though. I won't ask you if you remember promising to be there forever. Call it pride or stupidity or fear that you won't remember. I don't know what it is but I won't ask you.
We're not friends anymore. Or we are but we're not best friends. We don't wait for each other after classes or meet after dinner. We don't sit next to each other in the library and sometimes you walk right past me in that corridor and you don't even see me. I guess I don't see you either. We're changing Sev, I can feel it. Life is going on and I'm changing, I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know who you are either.
It's been three weeks since we've gone to the lake on a Saturdary. Did you know that?
I don't suspect you do. It's ok though. Don't worry about. You've been busy, so have I. OWLs are coming up.
Its fine- I understand.
We've seen life now, or at least more of it.
We know death now, we know pain and prejudice.
We know hatred and sorrow and war.
Do you know I've cried more this year than ever before? I don't suppose you do. Its not your fault. I don't know much of you either now. I hear most things about from others now; the willow Sev? What were you thinking?
I cried when Mary was attacked, I cried when Hogwarts was empty at Christmas because everyone feared attack, I cried when Avery looked me in the eye and called me a mudblood. And no, it wasn't the first time from him or anybody but it was the first time I noticed the hate in his eyes. He didn't know me but he hated me, he hated me and there are hundreds Sev, thousands even who are like him.
And I'm scared Sev, I am so scared.
Promise you'll stay with me Sev? Promise you won't become one of them? I wonder why I can't ask you this when I see you face to face. I guess I'm just scared of your answer...
"It's hard to accept that things have changed,
but the worst part is knowing it'll never be the same."
You said it Severus. You called me a …a you know what. A Mudblood. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.
It hurts did you know that? It hurts like a knife has been taken and stabbed right in to me.
It hurts like a thousand fires, a million curses.
Do you get it know? You hurt me! You hurt me Sev and you know why? Why it hurt more than Avery? Because you know me, knew me? And you still said it.
Who I am doesn't matter I'm a mudblood is all. In the back of my mind I saw you; eleven, skinny, standing up to Mulciber for me.
What changed? I blamed you first. Blinded in anger it was all you. Now when I look back I feel guilt.
I'm sorry Sev, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to keep you from the dark, I'm sorry you became one of them and I couldn't stop it.
"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We
become something new by ceasing to be something
old. There is nothing permanent except change."
I haven't spoken to you in two years. Passing each other in a corridor we both act like we don't know each other.
No acknowledgement is made.
We never climbed a tree together, we never ran with the wind, I never told you my deepest secrets, you never told me your fears.
The past is forgotten. Sometimes though, I choke up. I want to stop and scream at the man you have become.
A man I hate.
Because Severus I do hate you. Not for forgetting our friendship, I can forgive you for that. Not for calling me a mudblood, I can forget you said it, but I cannot, will not forget that you became one of them.
I cannot forgive for you for hexing a second year because of her blood, because they told you, I can't forgive you for doing whatever they tell you without a second thought.
Who are you Severus?
I look at you sometimes, and I don't know who you are. You've gone so far in to it. Too far.
My mother once told me people change, I never understood just how much until I saw what you have become.
When is the last time you smiled Severus? When is the last time you slept peacefully?
I've changed too you know. I'm stronger now and somehow strangely more free.
I know who I am. I know what I want to fight for, live for.
It feels... Great knowing for once what I want. I've learned to appreciate things more too before they get snatched away or change. You taught me that.
I've learned to live everyday like it's my last; to live it to the fullest, to laugh and love and… be happy. He taught me that.
He's changed too you know. We were wrong about him, you and I. He's kind and funny and so loyal. So unbelievably loyal and he's matured now. He makes me laugh in the library, he's got me in detention more than once, taught me how to fly.
Yes, Sev I can do it now- I can fly...
I'm in love Severus. I guess you heard or saw. I wonder if you care or if you are so bitter that you only hate him more.
I'm happy Sev, so happy. He's kind and funny and so god damn noble. He makes me laugh, even in the darkest of days, when the Prophet gives another report on deaths or attacks he gives me hope….he gives us all hope.
I don't need to look for escape any more, he is my escape. I hope one day you can find someone who will give you this escape.
I don't know what it is you're looking for but I hope you find it.
I miss you.
I miss that little boy in an oversized cloak.
It's too late now to turn the clocks back but I wish you didn't go Sev. I wish you chose the right side.
You were my best friend- and I wish you still were.
I'm getting married Sev, I wonder if you know.
I heard you joined, Severus.
I heard you've done much worse than hex a second year.
I've heard the imperious is your favourite.
I've heard you've killed.
Mothers, daughters, fathers, sons, you don't give a damn do you?
I wonder how many times I've fought you whilst you've had that mask on. Do you pause when it's me opposite you or do you carry on anyways? Do you relish it when it's my husband your fighting? My friends?
You nearly killed him! You nearly killed my husband. You nearly killed me. Do you care that I haven't stopped crying in a week? That he has bled and bled and I have cursed you over and over.
I have a baby now, my own baby.
He has my eyes and James hair.
He's my life.
But I'm scared Severus, I am terrified.
Your side see, your lord he's trying to kill my baby.
The times coming near Sev, I can feel it. I want to make peace. I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I want you to be sorry. I pray for you Sev. I know you don't believe. But I pray for that little boy who hid behind a bush.
One day Severus I hope you see the light.
I've watched you all these years. You don't know and you say you don't believe but you are still protecting him. For me.
Thank you Sev, thank you so much.
Thank you for keeping my life, my soul, my son alive. He was everything to me Severus and without you I might have had to meet him before his time.
We're thankful Sev, me and James. And I am sorry, I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did.
You deserved so much more, you deserved happiness Sev, you deserved love. I wish I could have given it to you.
I see you visit our childhood memories often. I'm glad that that at least I could leave you with.
You are a great man Severus.
A/N: I had a chemistry exam today- it didn't go well, it was most definitely one of the hardest exams I have ever sat, and so it managed to put me in a severely depressed mood that then made me write this.
For those of you are reading Meeting the Marauders, I wanted to write a chapter for that but I didn't think I'd write a good enough Mr Evans in a mood like this, so an update will be later this week :)
All quotes are from; www. quote crave . net
Please, please review, they make a severely stressed person smile :D