Harry was sitting in the Common Room, studying for his Charms test. He was studying a spell to enlarge objects, the 'Engorgio' charm and he was finding it really, really hard. Hard as balls. As he sat deep into the chair, trying to enlarge as hard as possible, Hermione Granger walked into the room. Harry, oblivious to the fact that his current predicament was a poorly thought-out lead in to a HarryxHermione lemon fan fiction, decided to ask Hermione for some help.

"Hey Hermione, can you get yourself over here and help me enlarge?" he asked in a breathy whisper, that was actually more of a coarse purr.

"Sure Harry" smiled Hermione, "as long as you don't mind a very hands on approach."

Hermione walked over and clutched Harry's wand between supple fingers (no innuendo intended) and began to work sparks out of the tip (innuendo intended).

"Engorgio," she murmured with anticipation.

The wand erupted and a jet of magic shot from the tip and hit Hermione all over the face. This was known in the business of magic as the 'money shot'. Hermione took it like a champ and fell over backwards.

And then she expanded to a gargantuan size, breaking out of the castle. Harry gasped as the remains of the Gryffindor common room crumbled and fell around him. Beds fell with reckless abandon and Harry thought he saw Neville's copy of Witch Weekly flutter down.

"Holy Pope! Hermione, you are huge!" gasped Harry.

Hermione frowned, "Are you trying to say I look fat? I'm not fat!"

"Ha-ha calm down fatty," laughed Harry, "You aren't fat, you're just big boned. Because your bones are so fat! Ha! Hermione, you are so fat that you require your own post-code. Hermione, you are so fat when you go to the beach you're the only one who gets a tan. Hermione, you are so fat you're almost definitely obese, you probably suffer low self-esteem and will likely die of a heart-attack."

Hermione raged so hard at Harry's remarks. It was the final straw. Hermione could let Harry's hero complex slide. She could overlook the fact he wore dorky glasses. She could look past the fact that Harry was a raging douchebag and she could ignore the fact that Harry had been much too premature and shot her in the face with an engorgement spell. But fat jokes were where Hermione chose to draw the line.

She drew back her fist and punched Harry right in the face. At her current size, this was equivalent to dropping a skyscraper on Harry's head. He was obliterated instantly.

But not instantly enough to let slip an opportunity for a few last words, "My only regret… is dying…"

And with that he expired. Ron would later describe the spectacle of his death as watching a bag of meat explode.

Incidentally, Ron walked into the room.

"Holy Bishop! Hermione, you killed Harry! Also, you're growing huger," screamed Ron, in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice.

"Gee thanks for pointing that out, Captain Observable," scoffed Hermione, rolling her eyes.

"I can't believe you killed Harry. It was like watching a bag of meat explode! It cannot be unseen!"

"Hey, it's not my fault," pouted Hermione, "he called me fat and also his wand discharged onto my face prematurely!"

Ron folded his arms, "That bastard… is still my friend and we owe it to him to revive him. Surely there is a spell to reverse death itself?"

Hermione face palmed, "Ron there isn't a spell to reverse death itself. That's like the whole point of our adventures, when people die they stay dead. They can come back as ghosts or whatever the Resurrection Stone does, but not back to life without Horcruxes."

Ron snapped his fingers, "Hermione you're a genius! We'll steal a time turner, go back and time and give Harry a horcrux without him knowing it, so we can bring him back to life!"

"That's sounds pretty difficult Ron, how will we know if we succeed?"

Suddenly Ron and a much smaller Hermione appeared from the future. Ron was wearing a clown suit and riding a giraffe on roller-skates. To complete the ridiculousness of the situation, Hermione was wearing a jetpack and missing her left hand and an eye, as evidenced by an eye-patch she wore over her left eye.

"Hey guys, we just came by to say, you're going to succeed. We're going to take Harry's… remains and bring him back to life, you guys just work on getting the time truner and making the horcrux."

Present-Hermione raised her left hand hesitantly. Future-Hermione nodded, "Yes Past-Hermione? You want to know what happened to my hand and eye?"

Present-Hermione nodded slowly, "Well yes, but won't knowing prevent it from happening and cause a paradox?"

Future-Hermione nodded, "Yeah, so I won't tell you much apart from the fact that you lose your eye when a bird takes a dump on your eye. And before you say anything, yes, that doesn't sound like it's too serious, but it'll make sense when it happens."

Present-Hermione shrugged. It didn't really make sense to her but what would be the point in worrying about something that's destined to happen?

Future-Ron turned to give Present-Ron some advice.

"Hey man, don't forget to wind your watch."

"I don't have a watch."

Future-Ron shrugged, "I don't know, it's just what I remember my future-self saying. I'm just closing the stable time loop man. Hell I'm not even sure what year we're in."

Present-Ron frowned, "Is that the same thing with the clown outfit and giraffe? You're just doing it because you know you're going to do it rather than it serving any purpose? Because if that's the case, screw time travel."

Future-Ron smiled, "Oh no, this stuff definitely serves a purpose even if it doesn't seem like it now. I forgot how ignorant I used to be. Let's just say that no matter how confusing things get, you're just doing this for the sake of the timeline. Oh and Harry I guess. Guess I better revive that guy."

Present-Ron and Present-Hermione waved their future-selves good bye as they scooped up a bucket of Harry and vanished into the future or past. Hermione and Ron exchanged significant looks.

"Well I guess we probably succeed in making the Horcrux and stealing the time turner," shrugged Hermione. "I guess we should head to the zoo."

"Why the zoo?" asked Ron.

"To get the giraffe, idiot," scoffed Hermione, "we're going to need to close this stable time loop to avoid paradoxes."

"Are paradoxes even a thing?" asked Ron, "How certain are we that time turners work that way?"

Hermione shrugged, "Look we don't understand how they work we just try not to screw up the timeline. Even I'm confused by this stuff and I'm the smart one. Let's go."

Hermione reached down and placed Ron on her monstrous shoulders.

"Onward," screamed Ron as Hermione charged across the landscape with reckless abandon.

To be continued…