A Love Undying

God. I hate my life. I really do. My emotions are running haywire...and I can't fucking take it anymore. I just...I give and I give and I give until I can't give any more. And at the time I think I'm getting something...anything in return. But it's just an illusion. He's always along for the ride...and then he breaks my heart into pieces and thinks...thinks that we can still be friends again right away. But it doesn't work like that. I'm sitting there crying on the inside, beating myself up for letting him think it's all right. For letting him think we're friends. When I can't be. For a while it's either love...or nothing. And when he rips his half of the love away mine's just there. Sitting. Waiting. Waiting for him to realize his mistake and to come back to me. My heart is screaming "He still cares! He does!" But my sensible part of me, my mind is saying "He broke your heart. Let it go. It won't hurt as much." But it does.

Knowing that my mind is right just makes it hurt more. And why I can't get over him...I don't know. I should. I want to. But I can't. I just...I want him to care again. I want him to want me. To miss me. To love me. But I know he doesn't. He may be sad inside...but he won't show. No he's too good for that. He thinks that he can just see me and wave and say hi and think it's all okay. I want to scream at him, ask him why he hurt me so much and then thinks it's all right for him to be Mr. Emotionless.

But I can't. So I just wave back and try for a half-hearted smile. No one notices. No one can see how much I hurt. How much I want him back. They just say "Oh Mark's strong. He's doing good. I haven't seen him cry. Yeah he's doing just fine. In fact I bet he's over him already." Fuck...I bet even he thinks that. But I'm not. I'm really not. I guess I will be eventually. But for now...I'm just feeling my way through the dark. Taking day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. And no one shares my true pain. No one knows what I'm really feeling. No one is there to hold me when I cry. No one...I'm alone...in the dark...in the pain...in the black hole that has become my life. I can't blame them though. Not really. I haven't told anyone. I don't want to tell people about it. I don't want their pitying looks. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry."

At least...not from them...because I know I won't hear it from the one who really counts. The one who will make it all better. Oh, he's said those words. But it doesn't count when you see someone about to cry. It comes automatically. It is human. Fucking. Nature! And we all know it but can he say those words and mean them? Fuck no. He can't know what I'm going through. He talks to me like he did before we dated. He talks to me as if he never said "I love you." It makes me think...that when he said it, he didn't actually mean it. I should have known.

He doesn't care that I still love him. He never will. Because he doesn't love me. He loves someone else. So he just says "Hi," and walks away. The asshole.

I don't know why he does this to me. It's horrible. I just sit and pretend everything's okay. But it's not. It's really not. I cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I feel like an empty shell. But I no longer have tears flowing from my eyes. So I leave the house.

And there he is. In all his glory. "Oh. Hi Mark." he says.

And my mind starts to race. Tell him you love him. Tell him you have always loved him and that you'll never be able to stop, no matter how hard you try to. But I push these thoughts away. If he doesn't love me there's nothing I can do to change that. Nothing. I nod in response to his greeting.

For a few moments there is silence. "Umm...Well it was nice seeing you. Bye." And he left.

I still loved him. I always would. Nothing could change that. I would just have to live with the fact that it was one-sided. The tears start to flow again. I rush back to my apartment.

I don't respond until I'm safely locked away from the world. "Yeah...Bye Roger."

A/N: Well this was my first attempt at a RENT fic. I always thought that Mark was secretly in love with Roger. Tell me what you think.