Title: Crazy Stupid Love
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: R
Pairings: Skyeward, Huntingbird, & Philinda with Fitz
Summary: Coulson has a fatherly overreaction when Skye and Ward sneak away for a weekend alone.
Warnings: Implied sexy times, Phil threatening Grant with a gun, and Melinda and Skye both being done with Phillip James Coulson.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: This is pure crack, you can blame Karolina who prompted this.
"What's so funny?" Skye whispered as Grant nuzzled her nose with his.
Grant shook his head and pressed his mouth to hers. "Nothing," he lied, still clearly amused about something.
Skye turned her head, his beard tickling her chin, and he began trailing kisses along her neck. She withheld a moan and instead gave him a large pout. "I mean it," she whined, "what?"
"Nothing," he replied with a smile, his hands now in her hair.
"Liar," she hissed as he bit into her skin.
Grant chuckled and be moved to kiss her lips once more. Skye continued to pout but his kissing abilities won over her curiosity and after a minute her fingers were tangled in his hair and they were both panting.
"There it is again," Skye whispered as she pressed her forehead against him.
He grinned. "What?"
"That goofy smile."
Grant kissed her nose and cupped her face in his hands. "This is my 'I have the smartest girlfriend in the world' smile," he whispered before leaning forward to kiss her again.
Skye's stomach fluttered and now she was the one grinning stupidly. "Why's that?" She mumbled between kisses.
He slid his hands down her sides and gripped her waist. "Because I would have never thought of this and you did and it was a really good idea."
Her 'good idea' was for them to steal away to a safe house for their weekend off instead of spending it on the base surrounded by other agents. It was incredibly difficult to have a sex life when everyone knew everything that you were up to.
Not that it ever stopped them, mind you, but it was so nice not to be forced to have a quickie or keep it down. They'd gotten here five hours ago and they'd spent four hours and fifty-nine minutes of that in bed.
"I am the smartest person in the world," Skye agreed, kissing him again.
"I'm so grateful," he teased, pulling her closer.
She smirked, feeling the proof that he was ready to go again when light flooded the bedroom as the door burst open.
"What the hell-" Skye began as Grant pulled the covers over their bodies to shield her naked body from their intruders. She blinked up at her dad who was in the doorway with a gun aimed right at the back of Grant's head and he rolled her eyes. "Are you serious?"
"Agent Ward, you have three seconds to get away from my daughter before I pull this trigger."
Five Hours Ago: The Playground
"Where is Skye?" Coulson asked as he entered the kitchen and looked around frantically.
Bobbi rolled her eyes, not finding his worried dad routine cute or endearing in any way.
"Probably off shagging her Hydra boyfriend," Lance muttered into his cereal bowl as he sipped his milk.
Bobbi laughed into her coffee mug but the look of anger on Coulson's face sobered her up. "It's their day off, sir, they're probably on a date or something. I wouldn't worry."
"But I do worry; she knows better than to leave without telling me where-" He patted his shirt as if looking for his glasses. "Where is Agent May?" He muttered to himself, still searching. "That girl is going to be the death of me." He took one more glance around the room as if Skye or Melinda had materialized and then left the room, still whispering to himself.
"I think the old man's going crazy," Lance muttered.
"I think he needs to remember his daughter is a grown woman," Bobbi said with a roll of her eyes.
"Hey, have you seen Coulson?" Fitz asked, poking his head in.
"He's off muttering to himself," Lance answered.
Fitz made a face but then disappeared. A minute later May walked in, headed for the coffee, and rolled her eyes as her husband followed; ranting about how irresponsible it was for Skye to leave without telling them where she was going. What if she (gasp) died? Or worse! What if she got pregnant?
"I think his priorities are-"
"Fucked?" Bobbi finished, shaking her head.
"If we ever have a daughter, don't let that become me," Lance whispered and Bobbi rolled her eyes; as if that was ever going to happen; she'd kill him first.
"Phil, she's probably hiding in her van, did you even bother to check there? Or the bus? You know your child; always hiding out in little nooks and crannies."
"Dammit, is that where Clint's been all week?"
May sighed; too irritated to point out that Clint wasn't actually their son. She finished her coffee before turning to her husband. "She's fine. You gave her a weekend off, she left, deal with it."
"Ward's missing too."
The vein in May's forehead visibly throbbed. "Do you really want me to tell you what they'd off doing?"
Coulson shot her an angry glare before turning and heading for the stairs. "I bet he kidnapped her again; where's Koenig, we're going to track her down and bring her home."
May sighed and rolled her eyes. "This is why I didn't want children," she muttered, "not because I don't love Skye but because of that idiot."
"You going to humor him and go on his manhunt for Ward anyway?" Bobbi asked with a smirk on her lips.
"Yes, but not to humor him; to keep him from shooting Ward. I've dealt with enough of my girl's broken hearts, I don't need to deal with one of the idiots she's fucking dying on her."
Bobbi smirked as May headed for the hangar. Five minutes later Coulson followed.
A breathless Fitz emerged once more. "I don't have bloody time to hunt for him all day, if you two see the boss tell him Skye and Ward decided to head to Seattle for the weekend, will you? I have a bloody lab to run and people are treating me like I'm a goddamn errand boy," he muttered before disappearing again.
"Do you think we should tell him Coulson's on a rampage?" Lance asked.
Bobbi pursed her lips together but a smirk eventually won out. "Nope."
"Should we call Coulson and tell him where they are?"
She chuckled. "Nope."
"How long do you think it will take Fitz to realize he's gone?"
"Long enough for it to still be funny."
Lance shook his head. "I knew I married you for a reason."
"Damn right, baby."
The Present: Seattle Safe House
"Dad, put the gun-"
"HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP MY DAUGHTER AGAIN, YOU BASTARD!" Her dad roared and Skye buried her face in Grant's neck, humiliated.
"Dad," she groaned, ready to die.
"I didn't-" Grant began, still trying to keep her covered while staring back at his boss in horror.
Her mom appeared, closed her eyes, sighed, and placed a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Like I said earlier, Phil; I don't think she's been kidnapped," she said evenly with a raise of her eyebrows as she stared at the couple in bed.
Her dad looked between her mom and Grant on top of her in horror before steam started coming out of his ears. He kept his gun up angrily. "HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER, YOU BASTARD!"
"Oh my God, dad, stop," Skye muttered in horror. He didn't lower his gun and in one swift move Skye had Grant Ward pinned to his back while she held up a comforter to keep anything from falling into view and held out her own gun in annoyance. "Daddy, I don't want to shoot you, but if you hurt him I will," she said with a huff and her mom crossed her arms and smiled proudly.
"That's my girl," she muttered and her dad puffed up angrily.
"I mean it, dad. I'm an adult; Grant is my boyfriend, I will have sex with him whenever I want. And I can go away with him for a weekend without you assuming he kidnapped me."
"I don't care how old you are, young lady, you tell me when you go away with this vagrant!"
"I'm right-" Skye shook her head to tell him now was not the time to speak.
Skye turned back to her dad, seriously pissed off her sexy weekend was now ruined. "I told Fitz to tell you where we'd be. You gave us a weekend off at the last minute so we made last minute plans, it happens. You should know that, you're the man who eloped the night before graduating The Academy on a dare."
Her mom's smirk grew.
"He did no such-" His phone rang and keeping his gun aimed at Grant he ripped it out of his pocket and put it on speaker. "Fitz this better be important-"
"SKYEANDWARDARETOGETHERANDSAFEANDFINE!" Fitz rambled quickly. "Don't kill him, sir! I tried to find you-I got distracted in the lab and then you were gone-"
"Bye, Fitz," he said angrily, hanging up.
Phil Coulson, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the world's most overprotective father glared at Grant and then lowered his gun slowly. "So…you did…tell someone," he muttered, the horror of catching his daughter in bed with one of his agents suddenly sinking in.
"Phil, can we leave the kids to it, now?"
"I…um…maybe overre-I…need…"
"Scotch?"
He nodded. "Lots of Scotch."
May nodded and led him towards the door. She glance back at the pair on the bed and winked. "Have fun, kids; use a condom. I'm too young to be a grandmother."
"I'm going to die now," Grant muttered, humiliated.
Skye watched her mom escort her dad out of the room and then she threw herself under the covers in embarrassment. "I cannot believe this happened; I'm going to murder Fitz."
"We're not having sex again for a very long time, are we?"
She glanced over at her poor, broken boyfriend and gave his hand a pat. "Next time, we're going to Vegas and checking in under fake names."
"We're getting dressed and going home now aren't we?"
She nodded. "Yeah…as much as I want to do you to spite him…I don't think I'm going to get the picture of him walking in on us out of my head for at least a month."
"I'm going to kill Fitz," Grant muttered as he threw the covers off. Skye wanted to kiss his cheek or something but she just watched as he threw on his clothes and hastily packed their bags. She sighed and followed suit, leading him out to where the bus was parked and waiting.
Her mother knew her too well.
"Promise me something, Grant?"
"What?" He muttered grumpily.
She glanced over with a smile. "When we get married, we booby-trap the entire house to make it parent-free so we can have as much sex as we want?"
His face lit up. "Wait…we're getting married?"
She sighed and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Someday; isn't that what you do when you love someone?"
Now he had that same goofy grin on his face and this time it wasn't because she was naked. "We're going to get married," he muttered happily as he walked onto the ramp.
Skye loved him too much to point out that once her dad figured that out he was totally a dead man.