Hello? Anyone out there? Okay well I have been gone so long from this site that I didn't remember how to upload. So there's that.
And here is this. I've been working on this for oh about three years or so now. It's transformed in some big ways but mostly in small ones. I still don't know which ending to choose. I've been putting off uploading mostly because of the haters (do we call them hatters here or is that another fandom?) but also because I am super lazy and have had writers block.
Fair warning: This is Castle-Lite. And what I mean by that is there is not a ton of Castle himself in this story for a while. One, because that's just how the idea presented itself, and two because I am TERRIBLE at writing him and I cannot subject people to too much of it. So if that's not your cup of tea that is okay because there is a lot of other tea in the world.
So here we go, I'll just be over here watching Bob Ross and humming until the nerves go away.
The Guardian
Twenty one days. The magical number, the perfect amount of time, the gateway to forming a new habit. A person could make a habit of washing their dishes daily, walking a mile, or taking their vitamins all in twenty one measly days. With determination, many things could be accomplished in twenty one days. A person was capable of great things, in only that short amount of time.
Unfortunately, there were some things that couldn't be solved in twenty one days, and for Kate Beckett, the disappearance of her fiancé was the most stark of those mysteries. For the last three weeks she had been searching for him; making dozens of phone calls, conducting interviews with countless people, and running down every lead no matter how insane it seemed at the time. She ate when it was necessary for survival, slept even less, and couldn't remember the last time she had been home. She had never meant to, never wanted to, but in the last twenty one days, she had formed habits borne of trying to live apart from him.
"Beckett."
The detective didn't budge from her seat, eyes focused on the picture of him. She stared as if she could pull the answers from the glossy photo, like his soul was imprinted on the paper and it would speak to her if only she tried hard enough.
"Beckett."
Interrupting Detective Ryan, at it again.
"What?"
"Captain Gates wants to see you."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Is there anything you want me to follow up on?"
"I don't have anything, Ryan."
He simply nodded and retreated to his own desk while Kate stood and headed for the Captains office.
"Sir, you wanted to see me?"
"Close the door, Kate."
The rarely used first name sent shivers down her spine but she obeyed, sinking into one of the chairs near the desk.
"I just had a call from Agent Shaw," Captain Gates began. She kept her expression neutral and Kate schooled hers similarly.
"What did she say?"
"She and her team will be back in town tomorrow. She's going to tell you that the FBI is scaling back the investigation. I wanted to let you know and give you some time to absorb the information before it becomes official."
"Scaling back."
"Agent Shaw says that regrettably, none of the leads have panned out to anything, and we don't know much more than we knew at day one. There are many who believe that Mr. Castle left of his own volition, and though I nor Agent Shaw are of that belief, the shots are not called by gut instinct."
"I know."
"Kate, we will not stop looking. We are losing resources but that doesn't mean we're giving up. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, sir."
"In the meantime, have you been home?"
"No, sir."
"I think you should go and do that."
"I'm fine."
"You aren't going to be able to find him if you don't take care of yourself. You know I have protective detail on Mr. Castle's mother and daughter, correct?"
"I didn't know."
"I can no longer justify the expense and I don't believe it is needed at this time, but Castle's daughter has a tendency to wander and I worry what may happen when the detail is gone."
"Wander?"
"At night mostly."
"What? No, she's too responsible for that."
"She took the A train as far north as she could. She's been wandering Fort Tryon Park for over two hours. I can have the detail bring her back but-"
"No, she won't go with them. I'll go get her."
Kate stood from the chair effectively ending the conversation. In the search for Castle she had forgotten one of the most imperative elements. Looking out for Alexis. How could she have forgotten that? Castle would probably want her to forgo looking for him and focus on his daughter instead. Was she ever going to get the hang of this family thing?
It took over half an hour after disembarking the train that Kate finally found Alexis walking one of the trails in the park. She breathed a sigh of relief then quickened her pace to catch up and fall into the step next to the girl.
"How did you find me?"
"Gates has a protective detail on you and Martha."
"Oh."
"Want to come home?"
"Do you?"
Kate glanced over to find Alexis' eyes full of tears, ones she seemed to have been holding back for quite some time.
"I think we need to talk about that."
"I think we need to talk about a lot of things."
"Okay. Let's go home, hmm?"
"Yeah."
Kate didn't know what came over her, but she found herself pulling Alexis closer and whispering that everything was going to be alright. It might not ever be true but at least for a moment it made them feel better.
"There was a detail on us?" Alexis asked once they had found seats on the train. "I didn't notice."
"That's kind of the point."
"Has Paula been calling you?"
"Yes. You?"
"I had to turn my phone off. She started calling the phone in dad's office. I had to pull the cord. And then she showed up at the door."
"Did she come in?"
"I didn't answer but she knocked for ten minutes before she gave up. They really want a statement."
"Yeah well that's not your job and she knows that. I'll call her."
"It's not your job either."
"Maybe not but I think she can stand to receive a piece of my mind."
Alexis sighed and leaned her head onto Kate's shoulder.
"Are you alright?" she asked in a voice that sounded much like she had as a young child.
"No. Are you?"
"Not even a little."
"I'm sorry I haven't been-"
"You've been looking for dad. You never have to apologize for that."
"I've wanted to come home," Kate tried to explain. "It's just… I mean…"
"You thought we didn't want you there."
"Maybe."
"You're stupid," Alexis sighed.
"I know."
They rode in silence for the rest of the trip and when they reached their stop, carefully unfolded themselves from the hard plastic seat.
"Did you eat yet?"
"No."
"Should we order something?"
Alexis just shrugged and turned one street early so they could sneak into the back of the building and avoid the few reporters that were outside.
"Food sounds terrible and I'll probably end up getting sick anyway."
"You haven't been eating?"
"I try. Sometimes I can but…"
"The stress doesn't help."
"No, it doesn't."
Kate frowned and pushed the button for their floor. Wandering around at night was bad enough but it looked like Alexis wasn't taking care of herself at all. Kate herself hadn't been a great example, and she was going to have to change that, fast. Castle didn't need to come home to find them both at their worst.
"Why don't you go change and I'll order something."
"I'm not hungry."
"Neither am I. Chinese?"
"Yeah, okay."
Alexis unlocked the door and they stepped into the darkened loft quietly. It didn't seem that Martha was home, and Kate took a deep breath before reaching over to turn the light on.
The furniture was rearranged, the windows were covered, and the entire place smelled like it had been scrubbed to surgical standards.
"I had to do something," Alexis explained with a shrug. "I'm going to go change."
Kate nodded and moved into the kitchen where she pulled open the junk drawer to grab a menu. The junk drawer had been reassigned to be the potholder drawer, though it was incredibly far from the stove, and Kate spent the next few minutes trying to riddle out where everything had moved to and what kind of sense it made. She finally found the menu and called in their normal order- without Castle's- and put the menu back in the drawer next to the fridge, then turned the water kettle on to boil. Tea with dinner could only help, after all, and she knew that a cup of plain Lipton would transport her temporarily back to pre-bedtime tea parties with her mother.
"I texted Gram to see if she was coming home," Alexis announced as she came down the stairs. "I thought the fact that you were home might persuade her but she said she was busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"I don't know."
Kate turned around to look at Alexis, and startled at the sight. The girl was pale, her eyes dull, her hair devoid of any shine. Her lack of eating was incredibly obvious, but there was something else, a little nugget of information that didn't fully form in Kate's mind until she was voicing the words.
"Alexis, are you pregnant?"
She didn't mean to ask so boldly. Alexis looked down, realized her shirt was tighter than she had thought, and wasn't masking the small but tell-tale bump.
"Yeah."
Silence hung there between them in the kitchen as they both tried to come up with what to say next. There were millions of questions, some with answers and some without and it took a great deal of effort for Kate to silence them all, walk the four feet to Alexis and pull the girl into a hug.
Still, nothing was said.
They stood like that for a long time, both of them taking advantage of feeling not quite so alone, for the first time in a while. Alexis held back tears for as long as she could but suddenly with almost no warning, they fell hard and she was gasping for air.
"It's okay," Kate tried to reassure. "It's going to be alright."
"I want dad."
"I know, honey. I know."
"Please don't leave me."
"I won't. I'm right here, I won't go anywhere."
Alexis coughed as she tried to catch her breath, and Kate rubbed her back gently before pulling back to look at her face.
"Let's go sit down, huh?"
Alexis nodded and scraped her hair back from her face.
"I tried to tell dad so many times," she explained through the hiccups. "But every time I just saw his heart breaking and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to ruin the wedding. I didn't want to start a fight. So I put it off and put it off for weeks and now…"
"Honey, how far along are you?"
"F-four months."
Kate gasped and pulled Alexis close again.
"You've been doing this all on your own?"
"Yes."
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. We should have figured it out. We should have been there for you."
"It's not your fault."
"I'm so sorry you were alone in it, sweetie. I won't ever let that happen again."
"I know."
The silence joined them there on the couch, two women in the midst of grief and confusion. It settled hard over them; all that could be heard was gentle breathing and the ticking of Kate's watch.
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't either."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry for this, Alexis. Never."
"I haven't told anyone. Not gram or my mom. And now I put it on you. I shouldn't."
"Stop. We're a family. And I know you don't know this because I'm really bad at saying it, but I love you. I'm here for whatever you need. Always will be."
"Really?"
"Of course. I know I can never love you the way your dad does, but I'll do my best okay?"
"He would be so mad."
"Probably at first but I don't think it would take him all that long to come around."
"I kept picturing it in my head. How I would tell him. I just never imagined that he wouldn't be here."
"I know."
"How am I supposed to be a mom? I don't know what I'm doing."
"I don't think anyone does. Have you told Pi?"
"How did you know?"
"I know you better than you think I do."
"He was there when I took the test."
"Has he been supportive?"
"He doesn't want to be a dad. I mean, he hasn't bailed. He's scared. I don't know if that is going to get better or worse when the baby gets here. I don't know if I'm going to be a single parent or not."
The forgotten kettle on the stove began to squeal and Kate rushed over to move it. Her entire body felt like lead and she didn't know if she was ever going to feel light again. She made two cups of tea and took them back over to the couch where Alexis was sitting with a hand on her stomach.
"Do you guys talk about it much or…"
"I don't want to push him away. We're not together, I don't have the right to be on his case about it. He has to decide for himself."
"Well that's very noble, but you're about to have a kid who might like to have a dad."
"I know."
"Are you okay?"
"I don't want my kid to grow up with a mom who's sad all the time. Someone who's always stressed out, fighting with its father, angry. Dad never let me see that kind of stuff when I was little and I don't want my kid to grow up differently."
"It's okay to be sad and angry and stressed out."
"I know it's okay. I just don't want to be. I want… This is not how I planned things. Even a month ago, I felt like I could do it. But now? I don't even know which way is up anymore."
Kate nodded in understanding. It did feel like the bottom had fallen out of the world.