AN: This is not a song fic, but it was inspired by Hailee Steinfeld's "You're Such A." Good song. Also, this is going to be a very short story, two or three chapters tops. Hope you enjoy and hope it makes you laugh.

Chapter 1

"Damn, he's such a- "

"Difficult little devil."

"I mean, can you believe this? Of all the- I mean, seriously! God, he's the world's biggest- "

"Dandelion."

"I really could ring his neck! I should vandalize his car! Or spread a rumor he has a really small p- "

"Pickle."

"Alice!"

"Bella! Little ears are listening." She jerked her chin toward the little bundle of pink, tulle, and glitter giggling away on the living room carpet. She tucked her feet under her on the couch where we were sitting. "And believe me, they hear and repeat everything Mommy and Auntie Bella say." She glanced again at her daughter, Ainsley, who was busy building a tower out of brightly colored blocks. "Plus, Jasper will kill me if I teach her any more words he doesn't consider 'appropriate.' I swear, I didn't even try to teach her yolo!"

I huffed out a breath. "Well, you're making it really hard for me to have a cathartic experience here. Can't you tell I need to vent!" I raised my eyes to the ceiling and prayed for patience. I prayed for patience with the G-rated conversation I needed to have. I prayed that Jake got a speeding ticket, a flat tire, and diagnosed with gonorrhea all in the same day. Mostly, I prayed that after talking to Alice, I wouldn't hunt Jake down and kick him so hard he'd be singing soprano.

"Ok," Alice sighed, patting my hand. "Start from the beginning. When you first came in, you were screeching in a register even I couldn't understand."

I took a deep breath. "Jake, that mother- "

"Flubber."

"-told my dad that we were getting married! I mean, we broke up six months ago! How could he be this delusional? That b- "

"Bottom feeder." At this point, Ainsley had decided it was more fun to dump out the entire container of blocks on top of herself and was waving her arms around with a big grin on her face as she sat amongst the chaos.

"-had the nerve to cheat on me with that wh- "

"Homely woman."

"-and now he's trying to crawl back into my life? Now he's pretending he's my fiancé?"

I let out a growl that caused Ainsley to look towards me with concern. At 18 months, she was remarkably aware of the world around her. She stood and teetered toward me, reaching her hands up when she got near the couch. I reached down and picked her up, holding her against me. I felt calmer with her in my arms. She handed me a block and then wiggled to be let down again.

Alice smiled as she watched Ainsley go back to playing with her blocks. "She takes after Jasper so much. I swear, it's like she can sense when you need a hug," she said with pride. She looked back toward me, sobering slightly. "Charlie called you?" She knew I had a strict reject and ignore policy when it came to Jake's calls, texts, emails, bouquets of flowers…

"Yeah, he called wondering what the h- "

"Helium."

"-is going on." I paused and then continued, a twinge of guilt running through me. "When it happened, I never really told him why." Alice looked at me questioningly. "I didn't- I mean- Billy's his best friend! I didn't want it to hurt their friendship." Not to mention, Jake was like a son to him. He always joked how nice it was to have someone who appreciated manly things like fishing.

"Oh, Bella. You know he would have wanted to know! He would have kicked Jake's butt happily for hurting you. I always wondered why he'd drop hints about you getting back together. I should have known you'd do something like this."

"Yeah, well, he knows now. He called to congratulate me and chide me for not telling him myself. I was so furious at Jake that I kind of word vomited all this bull sh- "

"Shitake."

"-all over him. I thought he might have a stroke. Needless to say, he's mailing me a new can of pepper spray in case Jake gets any bright ideas."

Alice and I giggled a bit as the memory of my dad giving Alice and I a talk when we were in high school about these "bright ideas" that boys always had. It was the day he showed us how to use pepper spray and made us practice in the yard behind my house using an old stump as a target. It was also the day he presented each of us with a bright pink pepper spray keychain to carry with us always.

I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. I didn't know what to do. My anger was ebbing, but I was still clueless as to where to go from here. That's why I had come to Alice. That's why I had braved the land of princesses and tutus in my distressed state. I loved Ainsley and being Auntie Bella, but right now I needed wine and I needed expletives. I fixed Alice with my best wide-eyed, bambiesque look.

"Ali, what do I do?"

She looked at me thoughtfully, pondering her response.

"You don't want him back," she stated in a clarifying way. I shook my head vigorously. "You want him to know, without a doubt, that you are done with him. Moving on with your life. Starting a new chapter, sans Jake." I nodded my head vigorously.

A wicked smile flitted across her face. It was the same one she wore sophomore year of high school right before we got caught filling the sexist P.E. teacher's car with water balloons. He really should have remembered to close his sunroof. It was the same one she had on before she kidnapped me for an impromptu trip to Vegas for my 21st birthday. It was the same one she had on her face right before she pushed the snotty cheerleader into the mud puddle on the quad junior year of college. That was my first and only appearance as a mud wrestler. It was also how Alice caught Jasper's attention. Apparently, she does a mean pile driver.

It was a smile that both electrified and terrified me. Alice had a plan.