Inspired by 'Lithium' by Evanescence.
Lithium
August 27, 2008
Dr. Arango took me off lithium today. He wants to observe my reaction. He also said that I should start a diary of sorts. So here it is. I guess I should begin where my life really began.
*~xXx~*
His name was Axel. I loved him, and he loved me. My parents, being impossibly devout Christians, hated me for it. Every day for two years, they told me that I would burn in hell for all eternity for loving a man as I should a woman. They especially hated Axel. They thought that he had corrupted me. He didn't like my parents too much either. Then again, neither did I.
We oftentimes had sex in their bed, just for spite. It had been his idea originally, and I loved it.
Anyway, when I turned eighteen, I eventually moved in with Axel when he got his own apartment. I loved living with him. No more sneaking around school or each others houses. No more being denied the freedom to touch, to kiss, because of administration or peers or parents. No more restrictions.
Just us.
I still remember his red hair and striking green eyes. I remember how he would stroke the small of my back when we kissed, or how he would always caress my cheek when he was sorry. I remember how he felt, his soft skin beneath my fingers, his warm tongue against mine. The way he tasted…I could never describe that in words.
I can't do this…I miss him too much.
August 30, 2008
Dr. Arango insists that I keep writing in this diary. He still has me come in every few days to check up on me. I didn't tell him what happened last night.
It was just another night, here alone in -my- our apartment. I was lying on the bed, dozing, when I felt a presence. I sat up, and there he was.
My Axel.
He hadn't changed. He stood there, at the foot of our bed, staring at me with those verdant eyes. His lips hinted a smirk, as if he knew he wasn't supposed to be there.
I couldn't believe it. I mean, Axel—my beautiful, red-headed Axel—was dead, and has been for a little over a year now. He couldn't, and shouldn't have been there. I just knew it was a dream. Almost afraid, I asked, "Axel?"
And then I woke up. I thought—I knew—that it had just been either a hallucination or a dream. Still, my mind numb from weight of reality, I climbed out of the bed to where Axel had stood, and saw the most amazing thing.
There were two foot-shaped indentions in the carpet.
September 3, 2008
I wait for him now. I haven't seen him in four days. I think I've become obsessed. Maybe it really was just hallucination. Maybe.
September 5, 2008
I'm sitting in the kitchen now. There's still no Axel. I guess I'll continue what I meant to write in this little brown book.
It was July 15, 2007. I'll never forget that date. We were taking a long-anticipated vacation from our home here in New York. I'd never been to Florida, so everything was amazing to me. I remember how sometimes I caught him watching me, his eyes so warm and affectionate…I knew that he would do anything to make me happy.
I hope he knew that I'd do anything for him, too.
After a day of walking around downtown Miami, he drove us out to South Beach. We set out our towels and umbrella, and played in the water a bit. Then we walked on the beach for a while, until Axel suddenly decided that the sand was too hot for me to walk on. He convinced—and somewhat forced—me to climb on his back, carrying my all the way back to our stuff.
I don't know why, but I found the piggy-back ride incredibly erotic. I had an erection so hard it hurt. He must've felt it against his bare back, because he often broke out into fits of laughter for no apparent reason. He never dropped me, though.
He laid me down on my towel and began to smother me with kisses. I kissed back, my fingers losing themselves in his fiery hair. After a few moments, he broke the kiss. His soft lips slowly began to trail a path down my body. When he reached my waist, moved back up, retaking the same path with his tongue. I let out a soft moan, and with good reason: his tongue against my bare skin felt like the gentle caress of so many warm feathers…
By the time he again reached my middle, I was rock-hard. He began tugging at the shorts, and I tried to stop him.
"Axel, we're in public. Someone could see us," I said, my mind battling against itself; one part of me wanting to take this somewhere a little more private, another part wanting him to never stop.
He smirked. "No one's watching. Trust me," he said.
I did.
I let him slide my shorts down to my ankles. He soon had me struggling to keep my voice down as he did…things. Wonderfully amazing things…
…
Eventually, he began to ease himself into me. He settled his long body between my legs as he set a slow pace, pushing himself deeper and deeper with each unhurried thrust. I could taste his breath on my lips, and we made love, there on the beach, beneath the setting sun.
My neck hurts. Writing is more comfortable on my bed.
He's here.
September 6, 2008
I woke up, and he wasn't there. It was strange…I can still barely smell him. I can still barely feel his touch…I should write what happened.
I just walked into the room, and he was there. He was barefoot, lying on our bed in his favorite red shirt and one of his dozen or so blue jeans. He looked exactly as I remembered him before…
As soon as I stepped in, he turned and looked at me. His eyes…they were still green, that lovely shade of green, but somehow not as bright. Like someone had dimmed in lights in his eyes…
Maybe death does that to people.
He stared at me for a few seconds, as if waiting on me to do something. I took a few steps toward him, but I stopped. I was…I don't know. I was scared, and relieved, and happy, and sad, and confused all at once. I wasn't sure what to do. So I stood there. Waiting, staring at my beautiful Axel.
"Well?" He asked. The sound of his voice was more than I could take. I knew I was crying, but I couldn't really feel the tears. His face changed, taking on that look of guilt that I could never stay mad at, even when I really tried to.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He stood up, moving around me towards the door. "I shouldn't have—"
"Axel?" I asked. My voice came out high-pitched. I inwardly wondered if this was just another hallucination. Well, why not enjoy it? I thought to myself.
He froze, looking at me. "Yes?"
I sobbed. I couldn't believe it all. My little notebook and pen slipped from my fingers. I walked over to the bed and laid down, unsure of what else to do. After all, this couldn't be happening, right?
Still…
"Axel?" I asked again. He blinked, his eyes never leaving mine. "It's late; you should come to bed," I said.
"Oh, Roxas…" He said, and for some reason, those two words tore into me.
I burst into even more tears, sobs preventing me from speaking. I was shaking uncontrollably, reliving all of the pain and emptiness that I had felt after Axel left in a few moments. It was almost unbearable.
But then…he touched my shoulder. I felt him crawl into bed and hold me, curving his long body around mine. He held me to his chest, his strong arms overlapping around me, his mouth not saying a word. I could smell him, an intoxicating scent that soon reduced my emotional distress into a few infrequent sobs.
Sleep began tugging on my mind. I was still in his arms, and I wanted to stay there forever. I didn't know how long I had been lying there, and I didn't care. Darkness was starting to eat into my vision, and before I lost consciousness, I whispered, "Don't make me sleep alone anymore."
"I won't," his velvety voice whispered in my ear.
And then there was black.
…
Will he keep that promise?
September 7, 2008
It's three in the afternoon. I saw Dr. Arango today. I, for some strange reason, told him that I'd been seeing Axel. He said a lot of technical stuff, but from what I understood, he said that my body had gotten used to taking the pills, so now that they're gone, I started hallucinating.
Which means…Axel was a hallucination. I don't know why some small part of me actually thought that he'd come back from the dead or something. Dammit, I'm so stupid!
Anyway, he wrote me a prescription for my usual dosage of lithium. It comes tomorrow. So…I have one more night of Axel. Assuming that I'll hallucinate him back again. And also assuming, of course, that I take the pills. If I don't…would I get to have my Axel back forever? That doesn't sound like a bad idea at all.
Olette is worried about me. She says that for the past few days I haven't been myself. I told her that I was fine, just tired…I haven't changed have I? It doesn't matter anyway. I'll be fine after tomorrow.
I guess I have been pretty depressed lately. It feels like…I don't know. Like I'm just empty all of a sudden. Like I can't hold on to myself. I wonder what's wrong with me…? Like I said: it doesn't matter. I'll just wait on Axel.
September 7, 2008
He's here again. My Axel. He always did take his promises very seriously. I'm now writing with him staring over my shoulder. He likes the way I write. I hate my handwriting. It's too blocky.
Anyway, I'm tired. Going to sleep…
September 8, 2008
Dr. Arango's pills are on the counter. I'm staring at them, debating. If I take them, Axel leaves. If I don't, Axel stays, but I stay in this weird state of depression.
Choices, choices.
It should be an easy choice: chuck the pills and keep my Axel. For some reason, it feels kinda…wrong.
…
I'll keep the pills then, but I won't take them. I'd rather stay in love with my sorrow.
September 10, 2008
I just realized that I haven't eaten since yesterday. I don't really mind, though. I'd much rather lie here in his arms.
September 13, 2008
He still comes every night.
And every night I feel a little guiltier. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on, trying to force myself into believing that he's anything more than a recurring hallucination.
I can't keep believing that he's real.
Dr. Arango called a few times. I called him back, so that he wouldn't try to send someone to our apartment and interrupt us. He said that he talked to Olette. He told me that she had said that I'd stayed in here for days. Isn't it convenient that she would live next door? She annoying anyway. Always trying to keep us apart. Selfish bitch.
…
This is exactly what I mean. He's in all of my thoughts. I think of him all the time. This is too much.
I felt weak this morning, no doubt from lacking to eat anything for…how many days now? I can't remember. Water tastes really good. He doesn't leave our bedroom, so I'm safe from him here in the kitchen. It scares me that I'm practically killing myself to be in his arms.
It scares me more that I'm not more afraid of dying with him than I am.
I'm sitting on the floor now, those lithium pills beside me. I'm mentally warring with myself. It should be an easy decision, but…
Ever since the car accident that took him from me, ever since that day at the beach, I've always been unsure of anything. I'm too indecisive. What's wrong with me? Why is he everything I think?!
I won't let him lay down with me anymore. He's drowning me, and like an idiot, I haven't done anything but sink…even if it feels good. I know I'm not getting any better until I let this go.
…
I don't know how long I've been here, sitting on the floor, fighting with myself. The fighting is over now, though. I've made my choice. I'm going to let him go.
I guess I'll start by taking these pills again.
I'm going to let him go.
September 14, 2008
"It's okay. I forgive you," he'd said. He held me in his arms while I cried, my face buried in his chest. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here…I should've let you get over me and move on with your life. I'm so sorry. I figured that anything would be better than you being alone without me."
He pulled away from me, cupping my face and making me meet his eyes. "It's okay, Roxas. In the end, I guess I'd have had to fall. I love you, Roxas. I love you more than anything in the world."
He leaned in to kiss me, and I closed my eyes, also leaning towards him.
Then he was gone.
The apartment feels terribly empty. Like I really am the only person here now. I keep thinking, imagining, that maybe Axel really was real. But no, that wouldn't make sense. Then again, nothing really does anymore.
June 26, 2009
I'd nearly forgotten that I had this journal. I think I lost it when I was moving. Probably.
Reading through it now, I realize that I was seriously messed up. I'm not making that mistake again. Sure, the good doctor's still got me on lithium, but I am in no rush to try and see what happens when I don't take my meds. Not after…that.
Hmm…what's happened since that last entry? Well…I moved away from that apartment. I'm in a whole new city now. I started over. I've even…met someone. I don't think I could ever love someone like I loved Axel but…Hayner's definitely getting there. He's funny and adorable and patient—he'd have to be. I don't know how he deals with me, but he does.
Hmm…
I got a job, and I'm now working on buying my own house. Or maybe just renting. I don't know…I guess I'll get there when I get there.
Either way, things are definitely looking up.
I guess that's all I have to write about. Besides, I need to get dressed; I have a date tonight.