If Edward Were Gay…
Chapter One: In Which Edward Is Gay…
Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters you recognize from Twilight… Or don't recognize, depending on how badly I've contorted their personalities… They all belong to Stephenie Meyer… Nor do I own any of the book/movie references I am bound to be making… Hm… I don't own anything that belongs to people that are not me! There! And as I am a minor, I own nothing! Mwahahaha! On with the story, then… I enjoy ellipses…
Edward's POV
Edward resisted the urge to wolf-whistle as that Adonis in disguise sauntered past. Resisted, because his Gay-dar was rather on the brink as of late. There had been that one incident with the blond… And the alcoholic redhead… Although, to be fair, the last one wasn't his fault! Seriously, who the hell wore leather pants to a gay bar without looking to pick up a few?! No, that one had definitely been bent… Pity he'd been in denial.
Edward's attention was snapped back to the retreating figure in front of him. And a fine bird he was, too, all decked out in black denim glory. Unfortunately, Edward's attention remained fixated on him just long enough to see the long-haired bastard throw a saucy wink at a pretty – female, dammit – brunette. At that point in time, said attention promptly turned up its metaphorical nose in disgust and scurried off, not to be seen again for longer than Edward would've thought –
SLAP!
"That was completely uncalled for," he groused, rubbing his smarting cheek where his companion's palm had left a reddening mark.
"Hardly," replied his brown-haired partner archly, sipping her Jamoca Shake, "You were lost in the land of mental monologue. I've been trying to get your attention for the past minute."
Edward waited for her to continue. When nothing seemed forthcoming, he prompted, "Bella! Something you wanted to tell me?"
Bella gave a rather fake start, chocolate brown eyes widening comically, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice you were trying to hold a conversation with me! How was I to realize I'd been ignoring you?! I was lost in thought! Y'know, it being unfamiliar territory, and all…"
Edward tuned out his companion's irate diatribe, wondering vaguely if she was PMSing… Damn, women were such a pain. Really, how did people wonder at his partiality for males? They were a damn sight easier to get along with, at any rate. No wonder the suicide rates among married men were higher than among bachelors. Who could blame them?
"… And I'm having an illicit affair with your father which, despite precautionary measures, has resulted in my pregnancy." Bella took a deep breath, "Edward, I'm giving birth to your half-sister."
Edward paused a moment as his mind struggled to comprehend this disclosure. It failed. Aforementioned information was sent back to his brain several times for reprocessing before it finally registered and caused the bronze-haired youth to explode with a rather loud and extensive collection ob obscenities not bearing repeating and causing quite a few scandalized looks to be thrown in their direction.
The girl in front of him smiled behind her Starbucks cup, "Oh relax, I had to get your attention somehow."
"And was it necessary to give me a heart attack in the process?!" shrieked Edward in a very, ah, manly fashion.
Bella appeared to contemplate for a moment, "Yes, actually, yes it was."
The green-eyed individual in front of her heaved a long-suffering sigh, "And do you feel at all compelled to share whatever it was you found so urgent a minute ago?" he asked with much the same tone one would use for a particularly slow child.
Bella spoke around the straw still clasped firmly in her mouth, "I'm sure I would, but I seem to have forgotten."
Edward Cullen groaned.
A/N – So! That's the prologue. This is actually a fic written as a gag for a friend of mine, so blame her for the stupidity you have just read – it was between this and Carlisle/Esme fluff… *Shudders*. Thus, we have this story, wherein Edward's an ADD-impaired gay guy, Bella's a nag, insanity abounds, and everyone is so out of character as to be completely unrecognizable. Other than that, just the usual; flames will be used for roasting marshmallows, and reviews are my brand of heroin. *Winces looking at word count* And hopefully the next chapter will be longer. Ta!