Random Stupidity No 2.5. This has been floating around in my rewrite pile for a few months, but I decided I'll never get around to it. This is more randomly stupid than normal, if that's possible, lol. Once again the usual apologies for any liberties taken with characters, it is random stupidity after all. Bioware owns all.
Booty 2
Kaidan lay on his stomach in the medbay. He was naked except for what seemed to him like a very thin sheet covering his ass. He thought he'd feel a little less exposed with his shirt on, especially after Dr Chakwas's comments about the poll. Surely Joker was making that up, although with this crew you just never knew. I wonder who Shepard voted for.
Joker had been strangely quiet for the last couple of hours which meant he was definitely up to something. It would be too much to hope that the pilot had not heard the news that Shepard had rubbed medigel onto his ass. Not the way scuttlebutt worked on this ship anyway, he thought then winced at the unintentional pun. He wondered if he would ever live this one down, knowing he was going to cop a lot of ribbing over it in the next few days at least. I may have to remind a few people that it's almost time for me to write up the monthly reports, he thought trying to remember which crew members had been laughing the most down in the cargo bay.
His thoughts went to Shepard. He was surprised that she hadn't come to check on him yet, although she might be laying low after Jokers comments about kissing his ass better. Now there was an intriguing image. Probably best to stow that one away with the one of Shepard rubbing medigel on my ass. He eyed Dr Chakwas, who seemed to be deep in thought. Yeah, probably thinking about my ass. Now I know I'm going crazy, I'm even worried about Chakwas. It must be the pain meds. He shook his head at his own paranoia.
He looked up as the medbay door opened and groaned as Joker and Garrus walked through. The fact that Joker had actually left the cockpit only reinforced his earlier thought that the helmsman was up to something.
"So is it true that you passed the task of rubbing medigel onto Alenko's ass to Shepard, Garrus?" Joker asked.
"Even for friendship,Joker, there are some things I won't do. Besides I assumed it might take his mind off the pain if Shepard did it."
"You know what? Both of you can kiss my ass," Kaidan retorted without thinking.
"Well we would, but we figured that task was already assigned to Shepard. We wouldn't want to deprive either of you of that experience." Joker said laughing.
"Joker, aren't you supposed to be flying this ship? And Garrus, don't you have something that needs calibrating?"
They were interrupted by Shepard walking through the medbay door. "Dr Chakwas, how's the patient?"
"Well I've assured him that he'll be fine by the end of the week, Commander. He'll be back to leading the poll in no time," the doctor replied as she moved forward to inject some more pain medication.
"Well I'll do my best to reassure him as well," Shepard replied with a grin.
Hell, Shepard and Chakwas were in on it too. Kaidan shook his head in disbelief.
"I hope you realize that your rep as a badass marine went out the airlock with your little display down at the Mako, Shepard. First commander I've ever had with a sense of humour though." Garrus said, now including Shepard in their little game.
A very warped sense of humour Kaidan added to himself. He would have to take that into account if he ever managed to get revenge on all of them.
"You know Alenko, you might have to go back to basics and take a class on how to take down an assailant who's trying to assassinate you." Joker said grinning at him.
"That's a very ass-inine statement, Joker." Garrus commented.
"I hate to interrupt the rehearsals for the little comedy routine you've all put so much effort into planning. If it's not too much trouble do you think one of you could get me some clothes?" Kaidan was starting to lose his temper now.
"Kaidan, you need to be more assertive when it comes to dealing with jackasses like these two," Shepard said laughing as she pointed to Joker and Garrus.
"You can get dressed in a moment, Kaidan. I thought the Commander might want to assess your fitness for duty herself," Dr Chakwas said moving forward as if her intention was to lift the sheet that covered him.
He clutched the sheet. There was no way he was giving Shepard or the other two clowns a birds eye view of his ass.
"Damn you all to hell. Why don't you all just parade me around the ship so everyone can salute my ass, or better yet, why not take a photo and hang it at the entrance of the Normandy to welcome everyone aboard?" Kaidan was shouting now, the combination of everyone's jokes, his growing temper, and the meds finally overwhelming his usual self control.
"You know, Alenko, that's not a bad idea. I wish I'd thought of that, although the Commander might have other plans." Joker replied over the laughter, completely ignoring Kaidan's growing anger.
"Well, I can't discuss my plans, they're classified," Shepard retorted.
"Hell, how long is this incident going to continue to bite me in the ass?" He didn't realize he had spoken aloud.
"Well if you're into kinky things like that, Shepard might do that too," Joker said as he hurried out of the door on his crutches.
A blushing Shepard called out to him, "Joker, just a friendly reminder that I'm your commanding officer. And if that doesn't help, remember I have a lot more firepower in my arsenal than you, and I'm also deadly with an assault rifle."
"And she wouldn't even need to shoot you, she could just use the butt of her rifle," Garrus called out.
"Alright, we've all had our fun and embarrassed Alenko enough. It's time to let the Lieutenant get some rest. He is not to be disturbed. That's an order." Shepard added the last phrase to reinforce that playtime was over and it was time to get back to work.
Shepard watched everyone leave then leant close to whisper in his ear. "Kaidan I know I am safe telling you this because you are so high on meds right now that you won't remember in the morning, but Joker is right, I will pull rank and kiss it better, if you ask nicely."
Kaidan watched her go suddenly not at all sure if he had heard her correctly. Damn. The woman is trying to kill me, and was that her tongue in my ear? No he was definitely hallucinating, he had to be. Kaidan groaned out a 'please' and fell asleep with a smile on his face.