I Need Some Sleep

I'm so tired. I haven't had a proper night's sleep since the day she died. No, since the day she was taken from me. I close my eyes and I try to doze, but every time I do I see her face starring back at me. Her eyes so accusing, boring into me... I promised I'd protect her. I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to her, but I did! I let my guard down, I left her alone, and her death was all my fault.

I toss and I turn until my eyes slowly close, giving way to sleep. My body is exhausted, I can feel it. It's in the slight quake of my fingers as I pick up my pen to write, and in the weight of my eyelids as I feel them close during every quiet moment to myself. I'm finding it hard to focus, and I know I can't go on like this. Sooner or later something has to give...

Counting has always helped in the past. Counting is comfortable, and there is a strange sense of safety to be found in the familiar sound of the numbers, as I count from 1 to 150 in my head...

But I'm so tired. I'm so tired all the time. I'm tired of fighting, negotiating my way around this daily struggle just to survive. I'm tired of feeling alone, and yes, I'm so tired of counting. Sooner or later I always lose track, and I am forced to start my count again... and again and again until I get it right. The process is exhausting, and never ending... and I just can't make it stop.

I see the way Miles looks at me when he thinks that I'm not looking – it is a look as though he is afraid that I am going to break, and maybe he's right, maybe I am... that is if I am not already broken. He tells me I need help. He says that I'm depressed, but I just don't know. I am just so bloody sad all the time these days, so if that's depression then I suppose that he is probably right. Maybe however it's just the grief... or perhaps I'm simply feeling sorry for myself.

People tell me that her death wasn't my fault, that I've got to stop blaming myself.

But I can't.

I just can't let her go!

Sometimes I think it might be easier just to end it all, to bring an end to the never ending barrage of intrusive thoughts, and this terrible, and agonising pain, from which there is no relief. Sometimes I envy the animals who are not forced to suffer, and who are humanely put to sleep as soon as their pain becomes too cruel for them to have to bare.

I'm trapped in this deep, dark place, from which there is no escape... but still the world keeps on spinning, and life appears to carry on as normal around me.

I know I've got to let her go, but I don't know how. I don't know where to start with having to say goodbye.

I know she would want me to, but I just can't let her go...

Oh God Morgan please tell me, just how do I let you go?