Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato

-One-

Author's Note: For Xirysa, who requested Tuxedo Wallace. This is one hundred percent pure, unadulterated crack, and it is not only a modern AU, but it's the Fire Emblem version of Sailor Moon R: The Movie.

Warnings: Weirdness, Fourth Wall breaking

-x-

"Why are we here again?" Vaida looked around at all of the different types of potatoes. Next to her was the man she considered her 'boyfriend', but only because Fate thought it was a good idea, Wallace. Vaida had her arms crossed, but that was nothing new. Behind them were their friends, Canas, Serra, Rebecca, Sain, and their brat for a son Heath. Vaida never even wanted kids, but Fate decided that not only was she going to marry Wallace, but they were to have a son named Heath. Sometimes Vaida wanted to spit in Fate's eye.

"Because this was the grand opening of a potato greenhouse," Wallace said, his fingers fiddling with the cap he used to cover his bald head.

"I hate potatoes," Vaida muttered, but she went along with Wallace anyway. It wasn't like she had anything better to do.

"Can we go outside?" Serra asked as Canas shoved her aside to get a closer look at an unusually shaped potato. "At this rate, I'm going to smell like potatoes, and I have a date later today, so."

Wallace was about to protest when Vaida charged towards the back exit. She hated potatoes, which was unfortunate because her boyfriend was obsessed with them. Serra followed after her, leaving Wallace and Canas towards the back of the line.

"Don't worry," Wallace muttered to a potato that looked like his ex-girlfriend Madelyn, "I'll be back later."

-x-

It was raining French fries.

"I have to be dreaming," Vaida said, as a particularly fat fry landed smack dab on her forehead. "Surely it can't be raining shredded potatoes."

"French fries," Heath said, removing one from his head and eating it. He made a contemplative look and said, "Needs ketchup."

Serra shrieked, "There's going to be grease stains on my new dress!"

Canas analysed one with his mini-computer, which was really a netbook. "These are indeed bonafide French fries."

Wallace didn't care. It was raining potatoes. This was better than Christmas!

"I think the world is ending," Vaida said, before getting her eye poked out.

They didn't care to notice two people with baskets of French fries on the two nearby awnings throwing them onto the senshi below, or the guy who stood on the edge of the fountain right in the middle of the potato garden.

"Wallace, is that you?" the young man standing on the fountain asked, his hair blowing dramatically in the wind generated by means of a giant fan. He discreetly spoke into his watch. "Cain, Abel, you can stop throwing food now. Frey, cut the fan."

The French fry shower stopped and so did the wind, and finally everyone noticed the young man standing there before them.

"Who are you?" Serra asked. There was something about this guy she just didn't like. It could have been the tiara—who wears a tiara and is a guy?

The young man ignored her. "Wallace, you don't recognize me?"

Wallace stared at the guy before him and gave him a long, hard look.

"Aren't you that Eil guy?" Wallace wasn't the best at putting names to faces. Vaida elbowed him.

"Stop watching so much television," she scolded.

The guy looked disappointed. "You don't remember your good friend, Mar—Fiore?"

Good going, Marth, the prince of something-or-other thought, as he ran a hand through his hair. You can't even remember who you are in this season!

"Marfiore?"

The young man who was now named Marfiore just sighed. "Sure, let's go with that."

Wallace scratched his head. "Come to think of it… I do! We were in Caelin together, you and I."

"Look," Vaida said, butting into the rather confusing reunion, "I don't know who the hell you are, or why you decided to throw food at us, but I'd appreciate it if you just left me and my boyfriend alone so we can just get the hell out of here."

Marfiore did not this woman's attitude. No one was to treat the Prince of Something-or-other this way!

"Madam, please," Marfiore said, his eyes narrowed slightly. Even in his anger he couldn't help but be polite. "I don't appreciate you butting into a conversation I am attempting to have with an old friend." He shoved her out of the way, and Vaida fell in slow motion. "Go away," he finished weakly.

"Hey," Wallace said, sizing Marfiore up. Like every character his voice actor was credited for, Marfiore was a slender, pretty thing that drove fangirls of all sorts mad, and Wallace? Wallace was this bulky, tall figure who reminded Marfiore of a pro wrestler in an ugly orange sweater and black slacks. Marfiore was not afraid at all since he had potatoes on his side.

"It's not knightly to push women, no matter how rude they happen to be!" Wallace pulled out a copy of a rather large tome from what one can only assume was hammerspace, and opened it to a specific page. "The Manual of Knightly Prowess says as much." He closed it and it disappeared like magic. Marth was impressed, and then remembered he was Marfiore. At least right now.

I can't wait to get out of here, Marfiore thought, so I can tell Caeda that I resorted to throwing fried potato strips at people for money.

"I'll give you that," Marfiore admitted, "but I won't rest until you're mine, Wallace—I mean…"

Damn cue cards.

"I won't forget about our promise, Wallace," Marfiore corrected. "I'll keep an eye on you…" He then whispered into his watch, "Now!"

Fog rolled in and Marfiore ran out into the street, nearly got hit by a bright red Ferrari, and into the bushes he went.

"Well," Vaida said, still on the ground. "That was unexpected."

Wallace held out a hand and she ignored it.

"Not on your life, Teapot," she said, brushing the remnants of the French fries off. Wallace shrugged.

"It was worth a shot," he said.

Serra, meanwhile, was updating her Facebook status, and Wallace meandered back inside to look at all the potatoes.