Ye who seek seriousness, turn back. Formatting this took a while. Just a silly fake-journal log of Alfred's time in the mall. Don't take this too seriously.
My name is Alfred Fantastic Jones, and this is where I'll be documenting my time at the mall. On the Notes app of my phone.I can't leave until the mall closes, and I'm not allowed to take naps. Why am I doing this? Do I need a reason?
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Current time is 8:03 AM. The mall just opened. Mattie dropped me off at the parking lot. All I have on me is my phone (which I am currently writing on), my wallet, and my charger. Wish me luck.
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Current time is 8:22. This mall is huge. Two stories. Accidentally wandered into Victoria's Secret. Examined everything for scientific research. Flirted with girl at the counter. Girl at the counter was cute, but also mean. Was kicked out of Victoria's Secret.
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There isn't any Wi-Fi here. Crap.
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"Hello, Alfred? Why aren't you here? You said you'd help me put up decorations for Peter's birthday party. I need you to buy cake ingredients. Call me back once you hear this."
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Current time is 8:35. Arthur's pissed at me because I forgot about his brother's birthday. Which is tomorrow. Why does he want to set it up now? Now I need to find a cake ingredients. Is Arthur planning on baking the cake?
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Affirmative. Arthur is planning on baking the cake. I think I'll just find a cake for him and spare everyone's lives. There's a bakery downstairs.
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THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT MAISON DE FRAISE.
Location: Chesterling Mall
Time: 8:51
Cashier: Manon
Register: 01
Tres Leche Cake….$35.99
Icing(3)….$6.99
-Blue Icing
-Red Icing
-White Icing
Neon Candle 12 Pack….$15.0
Total: $71.96
Subtotal: $77.71
:) HAVE A GOOD DAY! (:
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Why was the cake so expensive? Going to text Arthur to come pick it up.
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"I wanted cake ingredients, not an entire cake. Why are you at the mall? Deliver your own damned cake."
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Current time is 9:14. Arthur yelled at me for ten minutes and was really ticked off. I've now been here for an hour. Will probably spend the next hour icing the cake. This is not going how I thought it would.
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Current time is 9:40. My hand hurts. Icing is hard. I wrote "Happy Birthday Birthday" on my first try and had to redo it. This icing tastes good.
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Success! "Happy Birthday Peter" is iced. I ate the remaining icing. The taste gets old fast. Time is 9:52.
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9:55. Heading to the vending machine to get a water bottle to wash down the icing. Going to find someone the deliver the cake for me.
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captainamerica to YesWeCanada: hey mat can u deliver a cake to arthur for me.
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YesWeCanada to captainamerica: At work. Sorry.
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"Hey, Natalia! I know that you hate doing nice things for other people, but it'd be really cool if you made an exception for me! I'm at Chesterling Mall, and I need someone to deliver a ca—"
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Natalia hung up on me before I could finish my sentence. My ego is bruised. Almost 10 o'clock. What now?
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Toris came over! He drove here and I gave him the cake. I don't know how he found out, but he's a god. It's 10:23, and maybe now Arthur will leave me alone.
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Current time 10: 51. Getting bored super quick. The games at GameStop are being hogged by some nine year olds with sticky hands. I wish they sanitized theconsoles more often. I got another Wii remote for Mattie so I can destroy him in Smash.
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Reeeeallllly bored. Thought an hour had past; it's only been ten minutes.
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Hungry. Can't find the food court.
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I'm starting to hallucinate things. I have to find food fast, or I'll probably die.
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Food found! Food court was pointed out to me by a nice lady with a small dog. I thanked her. Currently in line for a deli sandwich.
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It's 11:30. Finished half of my sandwich. It's pretty good. I also have a Coke. Phone's running out of battery. No outlets in sight.
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Arthur to captainamerica: Thank you for the cake. Sorry for yelling earlier, I was stressed.
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N. Arlovskaya to captainamerica: told toris to get the cake. did he do it?
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It's 11:35, and my friends are nicer than I thought. :D
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11:58, and guess who I found? Gilbert and Ludwig! They were in the outdoors store, Any Mountain. Gilbert told me that they were planning on going mountain climbing in the Alps soon. I'm jealous. Planning on stowing away in Ludwig's carryon and forcing them to include me.
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1:34 PM. Phone ran out of battery. I found an outlet, and had to stay next to it to make sure not one would steal it. I looked very weird hunched over my phone in the Children's section of Gap.
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1:56. Went into Bath and Bodyworks to try out some scents. Everything smelled like fruity chemicals, so I left before my lungs collapsed. Note to self: don't go in there again without a gas mask.
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Current time is 2:34. I'm in Sephora. Everything is very colorful. I drew a picture of a dog on my hand with eyeliner and colored it in with eyeshadow. I think I'll draw a rocketship on my wrist next.
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Rocketship successful. A lady working there complimented me on my awesome art skills. What's liquid lipstick? I can use that to draw flames for the rocketship! Makeup is fun.
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"Hey, Nats. Makeup remover works on clothes too, right?"
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It's 3:10, and I'm in the bathroom. I had to take off my shirt because I spilled the liquid lipstick on it. This stuff won't come off.
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Starting to get weird looks from the other people in the bathroom because I'm shirtless and furiously scrubbing at my button up. All it's doing is dying the fabric pink. It's a good thing I wore a t-shirt underneath, because I give up.
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3:57. Went into Hollister to buy a replacement shirt. It's a bright teal button up. I look awesome.
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Passed by Build a Bear. Was able to resist.
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Holy Smokes, Batman! Is that a Batman bear?
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I was wrong. The call of the bears was too strong. I have a Batbear. He's in the box right now, chilling. I have no regrets.
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It's 4:20. Heh.
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Took Batbear to the kiddie rides they have and fed the machine some quarters. Debating between the race car and the rocketship.
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YesWeCanada to captainamerica: Why did you send me a picture of a teddy bear in a fake race car?
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Joined Batbear in an ice cream truck ride. Bad Idea. I think I'm stuck.
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Yeah, I'm stuck. It's a good thing there aren't any kids here right now. Why don't these rides fit grown men?
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I'm betting that if I were Natalia or Peter, I could ride these machines anytime I wanted too. Damn my amazing muscles.
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Free at last! I've decided to never tell anyone what happened. Batbear is fine, but a little smushed. It'll be our secret. We're bound by the cotton stuffing that flows in our veins.
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"Hey, Alfred? I'm heading to the mall after work. Where do you want to meet up?"
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Right now, It's 5:32. Meeting up with Matthew near Godiva in an hour. Hopefully, he will be swindled into buying me chocolate.
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Somehow ended up in Hot Topic. There are a lot of angsty teens in here. Should I get an ear piercing?
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captainamerica to N. Arlovskaya: would i look swaggy with pierced ears?
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Natalia said no.
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Left Hot Topic. Starting to get a little hungry, but I'll wait until Mattie gets here to eat. However, nothing's stopping me from walking near the food court and pining. It's 5:56
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Samples!
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It's six o'clock. I called Matthew and told him that Batbear was getting hungry. Matthew told me that Natalia and Arthur were going to join us. What?
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Near one of the entrances to the mall. The doors are made out of glass. I can see the outside world. I think I've forgotten what fresh air's like. In another hour, I might not know what a tree is. Times are rough here.
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Will they tell my story to future generations?
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MATTHEW IS HERE! NATALIA IS HERE! ARTHUR IS HERE!
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It's 6:40. We couldn't decide on a restaurant, so we've all gone to different food court places. Natalia's at the table because she says she doesn't want to eat anything. I'm waiting on my cheesesteak.
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6:50. Arthur tells me to stop constantly typing on my phone. I respond by typing that that he's telling me to stop typing on my phone. TYPECEPTION.
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I stole one of Matthew's fries. I'd eat some of Arthur's and Natalia's food too, but Natalia just has coffee, and Arthur has a bread bowl. Also, Natalia would probably disembowel me.
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7:20. Finished eating. Arthur wants to buy a new sweater vest (ha). It's a good thing I'm here, because I know where everything is.
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7:40. Oh my god, Arthur, no one can tell the difference between merino wool and regular wool.
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No one can tell the difference between forest green and hunter green either. Just pick a sweater.
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Arthur Kirkland is wishy-washy nerd.
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Arthur Kirkland has no friends.
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Arthur Kirkland has bad taste in clothing.
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8:00! One more hour! It took Arthur twenty minutes to buy a sweater vest! Matthew asked me why I was wearing a different shirt from this morning. I pretend to not hear him.
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Natalia got a pair of scary looking heels. She bought them in just five minutes. TAKE NOTES, ARTHUR.
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8:14. No one else wants to buy anything. I've been putting quarters into the gumball machines and seeing how many different colors of gum I can get. So far, I have two blue ones and five pink ones.
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8:25. Arthur tells me to stop wasting coins.
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Natalia and Arthur left. Weaklings. (I really hope Natalia never reads this.)
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8:40. Twenty more minutes. I already know what I'm going to do when I get home. Take a shower. Make nighttime cereal. Sleep in my own bed. Watch Netflix until the day I die. Never step into a shopping mall ever again. From now on, all my orders are going to be online.
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8:50! It's so close I can taste it. The mall's almost empty. The stores are closing. I want to leeeeeaaaave.
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Arthur to captainamerica: Alfred, you're still there?
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I don't think I explained to Arthur what this challenge was.
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8:55! Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.
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8:56. I'm such a trooper. I deserve a medal or something.
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8:57. Is this a Guinness World Record?
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8:58. TWO MINUTES.
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8:59. …-...
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IT'S NINE O' CLOCK AND THE MALL IS CLOSED! A security officer told us we had to leave. Never before have I been so happy to be kicked out of a mall. Sweet oxygen! The moon! I think I hear cicadas. I kissed the closest tree I could find. Matthew told me I was being dramatic. Me? Dramatic? Never.
Now that that's over and done with, I'm going home. End Hero's Log.
Thanks for reading!