Date: April 27, 2154 2037
From: Crewman Elizabeth Cutler (deceased) (dummy account)
To: Crewman Elizabeth Cutler (deceased) (dummy account)
BCC (truncated list): Ramih Azar, Victor Brown, Bruce Chalfont, Daniel Chang, David Constantine, Tristan Curtis, William Dane, Brian Delacroix, Lucas Donnelly, Eric Forbes, Kelsey Haber, Edmund Hamboyan, Azar Hamidi, Christian Harris, Brooks Haynem, Gary Hodgkins, Sterling Hutchinson, Preston Jennings, Derek Kelby, Neil Kemper, Lloyd Ketchum, Chandrasekar Khan, Mario Lattimer, Aidan MacKenzie, Chandler Masterson, Andrew Miller, Bradford Moreno, Colin Myles, Ethan Novakovich, Gavin Prentice, Mark Reilly, Joshua Rosen, Michael Rostov, Rex Ryan, Ethan Shapiro, Robert Slater, William Slocum, Oscar Tiburón, Franklin Thomas Todd, José Torres, Anthony Vittorio, Craig Willets, Walter Woods
Re: Ratio
You are being sent this communication in conjunction with our ship's recent kick back in time over one hundred years. As you are well aware, we are forbidden from contacting any humans, in order to protect the timeline. However, as you are also well aware, the ratio is skewed on the Enterprise, and there are 34 women and 58 men.
Furthermore, while the captain has made it clear that the ship is now generational, and relationships are allowed to develop, even between people of differing rankings, the time frame is of course unknown. While there is the possibility that alien women would be brought on board eventually, the time frame for that is also unknown. Plus they may be ugly. We've met Xyrillians and Tellarites, you know. A lot of sentient species out there are downright dogs, and that's an insult to Porthos.
Therefore, I am making you aware of a valuable suite of services I will be providing. As you can imagine, absolute discretion is necessary. The following persons can never be told about my services, even if you, personally, never use them – Captain Archer, Commander T'Pol, Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed, Major Hayes, Ensign Sato, Ensign Mayweather and Doctor Phlox. If I find out someone has told them, there will be hell to pay. I trust that is clear. After all, even if you cannot, currently, believe you would want my services, you may find you feel differently after a few years of just your own hand.
We can agree that money is useless. Therefore, I am instead proposing a system of units. I will decide what constitutes a unit and I will provide some examples. However, I strongly encourage you to be creative in this area! Entertaining me and impressing me with your creativity could get you a bonus, after all.
And if you think this is expensive or unnecessary, given that there are 33 other women on board, I must remind you that standard 'courting' behavior generally requires you to buy dinners, flowers and candy and other gifts. And then you have no guarantees that you'll get any! With me, depending upon the fee provided, it's a sure thing. I'm sure you'll agree that this is not only economic, but that I provide value. My services are precious, and that drives the cost. This is what the market will bear.
Fee Schedule
All higher units include everything within the smaller units. The more you buy, the more you can save!
One unit = one hour of my time, alone with you, with no physical contact beyond hand-holding. This can include conversation, watching the viewer, sharing a meal, etc. My company will be agreeable and flattering to you.
Two units = either two hours at one unit's price, or light sexual contact. This is defined as kissing, hugging and touching of any part of my body but only over my clothes.
Three units = either three hours at one unit's price; or one hour of one unit and one hour of two units; or medium sexual contact. This is defined as French kissing and touching of my body, with your hands, under my clothes. I will strip to my undergarments. You may strip completely, if you wish.
Four units = either some hour combination of the smaller units; or one hour of heavier sexual contact. This is defined as touching of my body with your mouth and my coming into contact with your body with my mouth. I will strip completely. You may strip completely, if you wish. This includes bringing you to climax one time. If you bring me to climax, you will receive a bonus four units' credit, which can be spent either then or at a later date.
Five units = either some hour combination of the smaller units; or one hour of sexual intercourse, either conventional or anal. Fetishes and non-Starfleet regulation lingerie are extra and are subject to negotiation. Bringing me to climax (non-faked) brings a bonus of four units' credit, which can be spent either then or at a later date.
All hours start from the moment that the door to your or my quarters closes and we are alone. If your or my roommate walks in, or we are interrupted by an emergency or other issue beyond my control, you will be charged to the nearest half-hour. All half-units will be rounded up to the next unit. Single unit purchases can be experienced outside of your or my quarters but you must reserve my time in advance. You are not permitted to tell anyone that we are in a 'relationship'.
Examples of Unit Payments
The sky's the limit in terms of payment! But here are some suggestions.
One unit =
Giving me the first spot on the chow line
Changing shifts with me, to second shift (I normally work night shift)
Better chow
A better seat at Movie Night
Two units =
Changing shifts with me, to first shift
Getting me my food so that I don't have to stand on the chow line at all
Flowers from the Botany Lab (make it a large bouquet. I like pink roses)
Arranging for me to get a better-tailored uniform (this is in your best interests, too. Don't you want me to look hotter for you?)
Three units =
Getting me new sexy lingerie
Working my shift for me
Payment is expected either in advance or at the time services are rendered. No advance credit except as outlined above. No exceptions!
Remember – don't tell the suits! Write back for details, and to find out who I am.
=/\=
Lieutenant Commander William Slocum, chef of the NX-01, read over the note again. A bell dinged nearby, indicating that the sanitizer had finished washing the lunch dishes. "Whatcha readin' there, Will?" asked his assistant, Lili O'Day.
"Uh, nothing."
"Do we have a dinner menu, yet?"
"Not yet," he muttered.
"Okay. You, um, you seem distracted, Will."
"It's nothing." He retreated and sent a response while Lili set about putting away the clean dishes.
Date: April 27, 2037
From: Chef William Slocum, Lieutenant Commander
To: Intriguing mystery woman
Re: Re: Ratio
Color me interested. Let me know what you want for dinner tonight. Since I'll be changing the menu for everyone, I think I should get three units' credit for this.
Will
The response came quickly.
Date: April 27, 2037
From: Sandra Sloane
To: Chef William Slocum
Re: Re: Re: Ratio
I like pork loin and a Caesar salad. Nothing with garlic. No mashed potatoes. Two units' credit. Are we on for this evening?
After he'd responded in the affirmative, Will said to Lili, "Roast pork loin tonight, Caesar salad. Vegan option will be the salad without the cheese. Roasted potatoes and string beans with ginger on the side."
"Okay."
"And you'll be doing the full clean up tonight. It seems I have a last-minute meeting," Will said, looking forward to getting to know one of the hotter women – but not the hottest of the hot – a bit better.
"Oh, um, can I get Preston in, to help me? It's a lot for one person to do."
"Maybe him or maybe Engineering or the MACOs can spare someone. I, I can't think about that right now."
=/\=
Lili wasn't just cooking the sides and cleaning up; she was also serving both the overall chow line and the Captain's Mess, as Preston Jennings had to work. "Sheesh, Will!" she finally complained, yelling back toward the gallery, "it's too much for one person to do it all!"
"Oh, yes, yes, of course," he replied. The brunette with the new business was all he could think of. He made up a nice plate, with substantial servings of the entire meal and lovely garnishes that no one else got. He spotted Sandra sitting at a table with her friend, Sophie Creighton, and a few of the other women. He made an elaborate show of bowing and set the plate in front of her, and then folded up a napkin into the shape of a swan and gave it to her, along with her flatware as Sophie and the other women at the table gave them both a sidelong glance. Then, quietly, he said to Sandra, "This should be four units, at least."
"Three," she replied.
"Then three it is." He went back into the galley as Lili fumed and Sandra and Sophie and the other women laughed at his antics.
Lieutenant Reed and Major Hayes were the last two people on the chow line and Lili was exhausted. "I, uh, sorry, I'm not so chipper," she apologized.
"There's a young Security crewman, Brian Delacroix," Reed suggested, "I could spare him on occasion if you need some assistance."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," Lili yawned.
"There's always someone I can put on KP duty," Hayes offered. "Get 'em on trumped-up charges."
"Thank you, that would, huh," Lili yawned again, "that would make my year, I think. But maybe not Chang again. He was kinda resentful."
"I'm sure I'll find Hamboyan or Kemper slacking or something."
"Slacking?" Reed asked pointedly. "Major, are your disciplinary measures inadequate?"
"It's fine," the Major retorted through clenched teeth. "If Security can spare someone, maybe your own coverage isn't so good."
"My coverage is bloody well ideal!"
"I think it was just a joke," Lili yawned again. "Uh, really." She blinked several times and swayed a bit.
"Maybe you should sit down," Hayes suggested.
"Maybe you should go to Sick Bay," Reed one-upped.
"I'm, I'm okay. Honestly. Eddie!" It was MACO Eddie Hamboyan, back for seconds. "More potatoes?"
=/\=
Later, Will and Sandra were in his quarters, kissing as she removed her top. "Oh yeah," he breathed. "That's what I like to see. And the delay and the build-up are a big, big turn-on. You should see just how big, Sandy."
She cringed at being called Sandy, and glanced at the wall chronometer. Twenty minutes to go. "I'm a professional now. It's so convenient that you don't have a roommate, Chef."
"Call me Will." He leaned over and started kissing her cleavage. She pushed him away. "What the hell?"
"Four units. You know the price."
"I gave you plenty."
"You didn't give me enough."
"Says who?"
"Says me," Sandra snapped.
"Your price list," he stated, "is unclear."
"Unclear?"
"It says here," he got his PADD and brought up the note, "and I quote, ahem, three units, ba de bump, eh. 'This is defined as French kissing and touching of my body.'"
"So?"
"So that means I can kiss your body."
"No, there's more to that sentence." She grabbed the PADD from him and read, "'This is defined as French kissing and touching of my body, with your hands, under my clothes.'" She glared at him. The wall chronometer caught her eye for a second. Seventeen minutes to go. "This means you touch my body with your hands."
"No, no, no," he insisted, "'French kissing and touching of my body' – that's pretty clear right there. It means kissing your body, Sandy."
"Don't call me Sandy."
"I'll call you whatever I want to."
"No, you won't."
"You're just a – " At least he stopped what he was about to say. "I, look, this is the first time, right? There's bound to be a few bugs in the system. So let's get back to what we were doing and I'll make you a nice dinner tomorrow night, whatever you want. And you'll get your pay."
"You're expecting to do me on credit?" Fourteen minutes to go.
"Isn't all of this credit? I mean, really?"
"No credit.
"What?"
"Credit terms are outlined clearly. This doesn't come under any of that." Eleven minutes to go.
"What about now?" he demanded.
"What about now?"
"We're just screwing around talking when we should be, well, screwing!"
"That's five units and you definitely haven't paid for that, Will." She grabbed her top from the floor where it had been discarded previously.
"Where the hell do you think you're going? I paid for an hour!"
"I'm rounding up to the nearest half-hour. And that means your time is up." Before he could stop her, she was at the door. "Remember the law of supply and demand? I supply, so that means I get to demand. If you say anything, remember, you never get me again. Understand?" She smacked the wall panel and the door slid open obediently.
"I –" But she was gone and, when Will stood in the doorway of his quarters, other residents of B deck, Commander T'Pol and Commander Tucker, looked at him in some astonishment. "Uh, good evening, folks," he said and then closed his door quickly.
He had a souvenir ukulele from a trip to Hawaii, purchased years before coming on board the Enterprise. He threw it across the room, hearing a satisfying crack as the impossible to replace item was destroyed. "Sandra's so mean! It's not fair!"