Don't Want To Lose You Too
By Firenze
A/N: I never intended to make a follow-up to "Stories of the Heart." I actually thought people were going to hate it. Guess not, some of you actually wanted more. It's more of a sequel to it, but it doesn't fit under the same title. Though this one sucks too. Oh and hey, this has Taiora! Okay, I didn't want to give it away, but I'm pretty sure it was obvious already, wasn't it? This story is from Sora's POV, mostly her journal. Sorry it took me so long to post this, but I had MAJOR writer's block. Oh yeah, and the time it does take place in is when they're 16-ish I guess.
P.S.
~~~~~~ = switching times, from present - past or vice versa
* * * = just a break, switching scenes
______ = new journal entry
Disclaimer: When was Digimon created anyway? Sometime early in 1990? I'm 12 going on 13 right now, so you do the math. Do you think I'd own such a hugely popular game, card game, movie, and all that other crap it is and such especially such a cool anime at that age? Think, people, think!
* * *
Just when things start to get better, my life is jumbled up again. Four years had passed and I'd learned to accept my mother's death, the fact that my 2nd best friend Mimi had moved to America, and that my dad had abandoned me forever. It took time, but I have Taichi to really thank for it. My real best friend who's been by my side practically my entire life, or all that I can remember anyway, and who said he would always be with me. I know he wasn't lying, I could tell he meant it, and it's not his fault that this happened. Maybe my old journal entries will explain...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 13
I finally stopped writing stories. I just don't have anything interesting in my life. There's pretty much no one left to leave me (I thought) and I'm not even an important Digidestined anymore, now that the new Chosen Children are here. I suppose I was never really important anyway, but Taichi somehow manages to convince me that.
Speaking of Taichi and I, we've drifted apart again. We really don't mean to. But since I stopped writing, we stopped hanging out at the tree after school, until we pretty much didn't even see each other that much. Maybe if I started writing again...no, we both just don't care anymore. My life is boring, so I don't think anything is worth a story. I went to a journal, the other thing Dr. Natomi suggested. It works fine, another outlet for my emotions. But there's no one to share it with.
I've made some new friends at school, since people find me more likeable than I was after my mom died and all that stuff. None of them can compare to Taichi or Mimi. I feel like I can't completely be myself for some reason. I realized I had no choice but to tell Taichi about this. He might understand too...but he has Yamato, Koushiro, the guys on the soccer team, his personal fan club, practically everyone in school. I don't think he'd ever be too bigheaded to avoid me for that, I just assume he's busy. Yet he has so much free time to go to the Digiworld...
Sometimes journals are bad. I think TOO much, and I get way too in depth about things that aren't pleasant to think about. That possibly Taichi didn't care about me anymore. It was so gradual that I hadn't even realized we were moving away from each other, talking less and less, missing hang outs at the tree even though it was routine, like brushing your teeth... Now the most I see him is in the hallway, and the most contact we've ever had is a "hi" if he isn't talking to someone or accidentally brushing past him. Winter has made a great friendship wilt...can it bloom again with spring coming?
I've decided. I'll talk to him. And soon.
_______________________________
March 15
I'm so stupid. Now everybody thinks I'm part of the "I Love Taichi" fan club. How can trying to fix a problem make it ten times worse? But the worst part is, that Taichi and I got into a fight. More like, he got really mad at me, and I wanted to cry.
I had gathered up my nerve to talk to him at lunchtime. I bought my lunch and easily spotted Yamato with a huge crowd of girls around him, but Taichi seemed to be missing. I asked Koushiro about it, and he said he didn't know where Taichi was, but probably playing soccer. So I went to the soccer field and asked his teammates where he was, since he wasn't playing soccer either. None of them could give me a single straight answer, so I gave up. I searched the entire school, but I couldn't find him.
Stressed, I headed for the library, the place I hung out to think and write in my journal. It was the last place I expected to see Taichi. But he was there, and he saw me coming. He tried to run, but the librarian got mad at him, and I caught up.
"Taichi! I've been trying to talk to you for ages, but you always slip away..." I said breathlessly.
His eyes kept darting to the door, and he never once looked at me, especially into my eyes.
I was worried and a little hurt. Why was he avoiding me? He better have had a good reason...but what did I ever do to him? "Hey, what's wrong?"
He made a sudden dash away, but I grabbed onto his arm. "Sora--" he protested. I had a feeling that he wasn't struggling as hard as he could have, because he didn't want to hurt me. So why was he ignoring me? Nothing makes sense. I can't tell what he's feeling anymore. I can't even tell what I'm feeling.
"Why won't you talk to me? I need to ask you something."
"I'm not very good at schoolwork, ask Koushiro." He shook his arm out of my hold, but I held on again.
"It's not about that," I said, trying to pull him back to me. "It's about us--"
"What about us?" he asked, suddenly getting angry.
I wanted to roll my eyes, but if something was wrong, I had no right being a skeptic. So I tried catching his eye. "I mean you're avoiding me--"
"So?" he asked toughly.
"Why?" I asked, still clinging to his arm, tighter than I had intended to at first, but now he was really trying to get away.
"Because..." He was silent for a second. "Because you annoy the hell out of me! Stop following me -- and let go!" He jerked his arm away from me and ran away. "I can't stand you! I hate you! Just stay away from me and out of my life!"
His words struck me harder than a punch or physical attack ever could. I wanted to cry right then. I annoyed him? He hated me? What happened to our friendship? Trying to bite back tears, something I didn't do as well anymore, I made my way to a table, until I just collapsed onto the chair. He really hated me... Why? What changed? What happened to us? And can I fix it?
It's not very fun being dubbed "Taichi's stalker" either. I know I've survived a lot worse. But no one has ever been that mean to me. Taichi was always the one who protected me from people who tried to insult me and make me feel horrible -- and now, he's become one of those people.
______________________________
March 19
I've felt miserable for the longest time. People at school don't stop with the taunts, and Taichi's real fan club are trying to get me to join them. They used to hate me, because I was such close friends with him. I was a threat, but now that the entire school knew that he hated my guts, they're trying to be my friends. Personally, I want to forget any of it happened, but I just can't. It hurts too much.
Aunt Yuki knows something is bothering me, but she has no clue. She leaves me to myself, but sometimes she tries to get me to play tennis with her. Recently, I've enjoyed the solitude a lot more. I stay pretty much to myself, whether it's in school, at home in the garden, or anything. I've become a whole different person, a loner. No one cares about me anymore. I'm sure they've forgotten I even exist. But why did this happen?
All I ever really wanted was someone who cared about me and would stay with me. Is that impossible? I'm not asking for someone to marry. I just want a mom, a dad, a best friend, any friend... I have none. I've begun to isolate myself from the outside world entirely. I know it's not healthy, and I really shouldn't be doing it. Maybe I should go back to therapy; after all, it's not as bad as I had thought.
Could doctors help me? I already knew what was bugging me, now what was I supposed to do? How can I stop myself from feeling so crummy? I wish Taichi would apologize...at least tell me why he's so angry. I need to find out...I need a friend... Maybe I am a stalker. But I just want my best friend back.
_________________________________
March 20
I can't believe I actually did it. Am I stupid, brain-dead, both? Either way, what I did was crazy. Even now I can't believe I did. Oh, I just want to forget it all, but I know I should explain...
I was at the soccer field, just kicking the ball into the net. I do this to relieve my frustrations. Then I saw Taichi, Daisuke, and Hikari walking over, Daisuke spinning the ball on his fingers and trying to impress Hikari. They spotted me too, and I saw Taichi trying to get them to forget about it and go somewhere else. Hikari started talking to him, and then they started arguing. Daisuke and Hikari started pushing him to talk to me, but he was stronger and ran off.
I kicked the ball as hard as I could, and it hit the post and bounced back. I caught it and started running after Taichi. I don't know what made me do it, but Hikari told me to keep going after him. Then she and Daisuke started talking about him, but I couldn't hear. Does everyone know something that I don't? I'm just glad they're not mad at me too.
"Taichi!" I choked out, running as fast as I could.
He was still faster, but we had a lot of experience running in soccer and from the digiworld, so I was pretty close behind. "Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" he asked angrily, wiping the sweat from his forehead.
"Why did you say it?" I asked him.
He looked back at me for a brief second, but he forced himself to look away. "I meant it!"
But in that short second, I had caught a glimpse of guilt in his eyes. Softness, a pang of hurt. It wasn't the cold, steely glare he had been giving me lately. The one I despised. If I knew why he was so angry, would I feel better or possibly worse? There was nothing to do but find out. "What did I ever do?"
He stopped short, and I crashed into him, making us fall in a heap on the ground. This time, he didn't struggle to get away. We were both too tired.
"Nothing," he whispered, the toughness disappearing from his face. He looked sad.
"Then why are you doing this? Why avoid me and say all that?" I demanded.
"I have a reason, but--"
"Then tell me, no buts! I want to know why you said all those things, why you kept avoiding me. It better be a good reason! You made me feel so horrible after that! I thought you hated me! And that made me feel even worse because I love yo--!"
I froze, cutting myself off before I finished, because it took me that long to realize what I was about to say. He just stared at me blankly. We blinked a few times in the awkward silence, until I got up and ran off.
"Uhhh...sorry, I have to leave!"
"Sora!" he yelled. "You what? Come back!"
This time I was doing the running. And this time, he really knew the truth about how I felt about him. But why didn't *I* know before? Am I really in love with Taichi Yagami?
_______________________________
March 21
I knew I couldn't run from Taichi forever. I just wished I could have still been running before he caught up to me while I was still off-guard. I didn't know what to tell him, what to do. I've never loved anyone in my entire life. I always thought love was supposed to make you feel happy, so why do I feel worse?
I was rushing home after tennis practice on Saturday, when someone called my name. I turned around. "Yamato?"
"Sora!" He ran up to me.
"What do you want?" I asked, clutching my duffel bag to my chest.
"Did you mean what you said to Taichi yesterday?" he asked suddenly.
"He told you? What? I-- Ummm..." I was all jumbled up, at a loss for words. Finally, I stammered out, "It's none of your business!"
"I know," Yamato said. "But it's Taichi's."
"Yes, I know that. But you're not Taichi. So leave me alone."
"But I am," someone said, popping out of the bushes. It was Taichi, looking rather nervous. "Hey, Sora."
I tried to run again, but Taichi grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to him. He pulled me a bit too close though. We were standing pressed right against each other, face to face. Needless to say, it was really awkward. He laughed sort of sheepishly and let me go.
"Just let me talk to you, all right?"
I reluctantly nodded; surrendering; understanding what it was like needing to talk to someone so bad because something was killing you inside, and they were just trying to run, as I had gone through it only a few days ago. "All right...about what?"
"You know what I want to talk about," he said, "otherwise, you wouldn't have tried to run."
I hung my head. "Okay, okay. I was telling the truth, you know that by now. I do...you know."
"Yeah, I know." We looked away from each other, not realizing that Yamato had snuck away, and were quiet. And then out of nowhere, he pulled me back to him and kissed me right on the lips.
I was really surprised, but I kissed him back, feeling on top of the world. I didn't know why he was doing it, but it was one of the happiest moments of my life. When we drew apart some seconds later, I couldn't hide my wide smile. "What was that for?"
"I've wanted to do that for years...because...I'm sort of in love with you too," he replied, blushing bright pink. I was practically flying. Then he looked glum again for some reason. "You're probably wondering why I said I hated you."
"And annoyed the hell out of you, and you couldn't stand me," I said, chewing my lower lip.
"Oh no, don't cry or anything," he said, looking worried. He cupped my face in his hand and wiped any traces of tears away from my eyes with his thumb. He moved his hand to my hair, slightly ruffling it, and then he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I have a pretty okay explanation...but I still had no right to say that."
I was surprised at how compassionate and caring he was being. It was nothing like the Taichi I ever knew, before and during when he was mean to me. "What's the reason, then?" I asked, looking into his deep brown eyes, wishing he would kiss me again.
"This is really hard for me to say," he said, fidgeting, his hands behind his back. "I tried to avoid it... But now I realize I can't any longer. Sora -- I sort of have to move."
"Where?" I asked, trying to remain calm.
"Somewhere thousands of miles away from Japan," he said sadly. "My dad got a new job in another country."
"When are you going?" I shoved my hands in my pockets.
"Next week," he said glumly.
I was amazed. "Were you ever planning to tell me?"
"Yeah, of course...maybe right before I had to leave," he said, looking embarrassed.
"So you have to leave in a week. That still doesn't explain why you said all that crap."
"I know... Well, you now know I love you. And I know lots of people say that we can't fall in love when we're our age and it won't last, but they haven't had to protect and lead seven others to save two worlds, they haven't even been to another world, fought the battles we have, lost the digimon we have... They don't know how thinking everyday you can lose your life without ever having loved anyone can make you feel things you didn't think you could." Taichi coughed. "Anyway, I'll finally get to the point. I said the exact opposite of my feelings for you because I thought it wouldn't hurt as much if you hated me and I left. You'd be glad I was gone. But now I know it can't work that way. And I was trying to deny my feelings for you because I didn't want to miss you so much. I wanted to stay strong, but now I don't think I can..."
This time, I put my hands around his neck and kissed him on the lips. I've never felt so happy and horrible all at the same time. "When everyone started leaving my life, you were the one who made me feel better, who stayed by my side, who cheered me up in my worst moment. I called you my best friend, my big brother, but I knew you weren't that type of person to me. It's different. I've never felt this way before in my life about anyone. The love for Biyomon, my mom...it's different from the love I feel for you. I don't want you to leave. Everyone who's ever meant anything in my life leaves me. Why?"
"It's not because of you. Frankly, I don't know why you have to go through this stuff either. I wish you didn't have to."
"Me too."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "I know what I did was stupid and I'm really sorry. But maybe we shouldn't feel bad, but try to have the best time we can while we're still together. I just don't want to get too close, because we'll be hurt more that way. Let's just keep things light, but let's have fun being together for the rest of the time we do have."
"You're right," I mumbled against the fabric of his shirt. "We should save the cheesy goodbyes until the day you really leave."
"Yeah," he whispered, resting his forehead against mine. We closed our eyes and our breathing became in sync. He moved one of his hands to my hair and fingered it.
"Taichi!" Hikari came walking down the street, looking for him. "What are you doing?"
We jumped apart in surprise. I untangled myself from his arms, and we looked at Hikari, blushing.
"Sorry to ruin your love fest, but Taichi, did you forget? It's Mom's birthday tonight and we're eating out. We were supposed to leave right when you got home."
"Fine," he said, irritated. "Hey, Hikari...could you possibly leave for a few seconds?"
"Taichi, I'm a teenager now. It's not like I haven't seen kissing before," she said indignantly.
"Just so long as you aren't the one doing the kissing," he replied sternly. "You're only thirteen. If I hear TK and you are kissing, I'll kill both of you."
"It's not like we make out or anything," she said rolling her eyes. I saw her eyes suddenly light up with a mischievous glint. "...yet."
He made a sudden dash for his younger sister, but I caught his arm and held him back. "Please stay here for a while longer. Oh, and Hikari? Run!"
Hikari nodded and began to jog away. "Taichi, you better make it quick. Seriously, no super-long make-out sessions--"
"GO!" he yelled angrily, turning red. He turned back to face me and his eyes softened. "Er, sorry about that."
"I understand. But before you leave for the birthday party or whatever..." I surprised both of us by pulling on his collar and drawing him into a deep, passionate kiss. It was a new experience for me, but I knew I could get used to it. Too bad he had to move so soon...
Taichi sensed I was tense and he pulled back. "What's wrong?"
"Guess," I said sarcastically. "Sorry I had to ruin the best moment we've shared together like that. So much for keeping things light. Taichi, you should just leave now. I don't want you to miss your mom's birthday dinner."
"I want to walk you home."
I nodded and laced his fingers through mine. "We better hurry then, so you aren't any more late."
"Yeah, and this time it isn't HER cooking," he replied. We laughed, and he put his arm around me. I wished we could stay like that forever. I wish we could always be together, now that we've realized our feelings. But it would all end in a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sora, what are you doing?" Taichi leaped up onto the tree branch of the big oak tree. "Ah, writing a story again. Maybe you could read me a story, like the good times."
"Naw, it's not a story," I said, closing it quickly and hiding it from him. "It's personal."
"Hey, I know you love me, what else is there to hide?"
"It's my journal. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone reading it," I said simply. "It's like invading my thoughts."
"That would make for an interesting story," he replied.
"I know, but I can only write things that have happened to me." I sighed. "I really suck, no matter what you say."
"Ah, breaking out the low self-esteem and self confidence. You truly are a writer now."
I rolled my eyes. "You're such a dork."
"You do know what that is, right?" he asked, grinning.
"You have a nasty mind, and you're a retard. Why am I in love with you again?"
Taichi laughed. "Because I'm such a CUTE and LOVABLE perverted retard."
"You'll never change," I said exasperatedly. "Is it just me, or are you the least affected person from the Digiworld?"
"Come on, I'm a good leader, I lead using sympathy and compassion now, I've gotten a lot stronger, and I actually think before I act...sometimes." He crossed his arms. "Hey, just because I didn't quit soccer, take up tennis and flower arranging, and all that other stuff doesn't mean I was affected at all."
"But that had nothing to do with the Digiworld." I looked at him and giggled. "You're cute when you're mad."
"I know," he said, sounding like a total ego-maniac.
"I know you know and that you know I know you're cute." I was trying to get him confused, because he looked even cuter that way. "But they say that the cute guys always turn out to be the gay ones in high school," I teased.
"Hey, we're in high school and I'm still straight. I love you, remember?"
"That's not exactly the kind of thing you forget in a few days."
"Smart ass," he pouted mockingly.
"Dumb ass," I said, giggling.
He pushed me off the tree, and I fell off, still laughing. "Hey, I got your diary!" He started running off.
"Come back!" I yelled, chasing after him. "Jerk, give it back!"
He started running around in circles, and I kept following him, in fun now, until we collapsed on top of each other on the grass, laughing like crazy. I snatched the JOURNAL from his hands and hit him over the head. We were laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe.
It was like the good old days again. Taichi and I acting like complete and total idiots. It was fun, but we were little children anymore. We were older now -- and facing a huge tragedy. It was nice to know that even through all the crap we're going through, we can still act like our lives and carefree and all fun and games.
* * *
"Never was a tale of more woe, than of Juliet and her Romeo."
"That was different," I replied, looking at Taichi. "Normally I read to you."
"It was meant to be different. That's the point. We should try new things. After all, we have four days left," Taichi said.
"I really don't think the book was all that romantic," I commented.
"You're a girl. It's supposed to be the greatest love story and all that mush."
"Yeah, great love story. They come from two moral enemy feuding families, they're married in secret against their families' will, Romeo is banished from Verona, Juliet is being forced to marry Paris, and they all live happily ever after. Yeah right. Plus, Mercutio dies, Tybalt dies, Romeo drinks poison and dies, Juliet stabs herself in the heart and -- what was it again? Oh yes, that's right, she dies. Very romantic," I said sarcastically. "They died for each other, that's romantic, but very stupid."
"Stop being such a cynic. Girls are supposed to appreciate these things. And you haven't always been like most girls, so the feuding, sword fights, and deaths should be cool," Taichi said. "My favorite is when that stupid bastard Tybalt dies."
"Death isn't cool, Taichi."
"Stop being so serious about this. Romeo and Juliet is a masterpiece of classic literature."
"Ooh, big words," I teased.
"I thought this story WAS supposed to be romantic, though, that's why I wanted to read it to you. Willy Shakespeare didn't do such a good job."
"It's a drama. They call it 'The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet'," I informed him.
"Maybe I should have read something cool," he remarked, tossing the book across his living room. It was a sea of boxes and packing paper.
"Like what?"
"I don't know...something violent and bloody," he said with a shrug. "Then you could get all grossed out and jump into my arms, and then I'll kiss you and tell you it'll all be all right."
"I'm nothing like that," I said dryly.
"Hey, a guy can dream."
I hopped into his lap anyway, and he put his arms around me, holding me against his chest. He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed my neck. After a while, I heard the front door open and two whispering voices.
"Come on, my parents are out and Taichi shouldn't be home right now. Sora and he went to their hangout spot," Hikari whispered.
"Good," someone else said.
"Takeru!" Taichi choked out. "Hikari! What are you two doing?"
They stared at us guiltily. Takeru's arms were around her waist, and it was obvious they had been kissing.
"Takeru!" Taichi repeated furiously. "You do know I'm going to kick your a--"
"Taichi!" I scolded him. "Come on, they're thirteen now. And they have only a few days together too. Don't ruin it even more. Come on, we can go find somewhere else."
"I don't trust the two of them alone in an empty house."
"And again, they're THIRTEEN!" I said exasperatedly, trying to drag him with me. "Let's just go."
"Oh, fine," he said reluctantly. "But if you try anything--" Hikari and Takeru both rolled their eyes behind his back, but looked innocent when he turned to face them again. "Is that clear?"
"Yes, Taichi," they said in a monotone. "Please, we'll be good. We only have four days together, just like you do."
That hit his soft spot, being in the same position as them. "Okay, I'll let us all enjoy the precious time we have." Then I pulled him out the door.
________________________________
March 27
I woke up this morning from a depressing dream, which was kind of weird. I had no idea what it was supposed to mean. It didn't even piece together, let alone, make any sense at all! It's never happened before, and it can't relate anything to real life. I don't remember all of it; it was hazy in the dream anyway. Maybe it's some kind of sign about Taichi and I, but I just don't understand it.
I shook my head, snapping out of it, and then crossed off another day on the calendar above my bed. One more day...one more day...tomorrow the Yagami family would be moving away from Odaiba, from Japan, from Asia. Now was my last chance to spend a day with Taichi and then say goodbye. But I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to say goodbye, but if I didn't, I would never see him again. I hate the fact that he's leaving, but I'll have to deal with it. I just don't want another goodbye...
I was walking towards the Yagami's apartment complex, with my hands in my pockets and my head down. Then suddenly, I just knew that I wouldn't be able to ever say goodbye to Taichi. It would just kill me even more. I looked at the apartment I was nearing, trying to decide whether to keep going. My mind and logic told me to say goodbye, since it was my only chance, but my heart was urging me to stay away. Deep down inside, I probably should have said goodbye, but I just felt it would be too horrible. I shook my head, gave a lingering glance at the apartment building, and walked away.
_____________________________
March 28
It's Saturday morning now. I think back to yesterday and now I realize... What was I thinking? What am I thinking now? Even now I'm not sure I did the right thing. I still know I'd never be able to handle saying goodbye, but I know he still has to leave even if I don't. It's probably worse that I didn't say goodbye...no last kiss, no final words, nothing. Am I just stupid? A complete coward? I'm not sure about anything, I don't know what I'm doing anymore...
I just need to get away and clear my thoughts. Because frankly, this journal isn't helping. I need someone to really share it with, like Dr. Natomi said. But that person is gone. Taichi, Hikari, the Yagamis...gone. Taichi, my best friend since forever, the one I loved, the one person who was always there for me was now out of my life forever, just like everyone else who ever meant anything to me, mostly my mother -- but this time, I had the chance, and I didn't even say goodbye.
THE END
A/N: No, no, don't worry, I'd never end it like that. (Unless you want me to end there because I suck so much that reading my fics is making you feel dumber and dumber each second) I just feel like torturing you people a little more. I've got a sappy epilogue stored somewhere. Or should it be a sad ending? Happy? Sad? Both? You decide! I always have you people choose these things. NOTE: I've nearly finished the happy ending, while on the other hand, I just right now got an idea for the sad one. So it's up to you! So review the damn thing already. Please?
By Firenze
A/N: I never intended to make a follow-up to "Stories of the Heart." I actually thought people were going to hate it. Guess not, some of you actually wanted more. It's more of a sequel to it, but it doesn't fit under the same title. Though this one sucks too. Oh and hey, this has Taiora! Okay, I didn't want to give it away, but I'm pretty sure it was obvious already, wasn't it? This story is from Sora's POV, mostly her journal. Sorry it took me so long to post this, but I had MAJOR writer's block. Oh yeah, and the time it does take place in is when they're 16-ish I guess.
P.S.
~~~~~~ = switching times, from present - past or vice versa
* * * = just a break, switching scenes
______ = new journal entry
Disclaimer: When was Digimon created anyway? Sometime early in 1990? I'm 12 going on 13 right now, so you do the math. Do you think I'd own such a hugely popular game, card game, movie, and all that other crap it is and such especially such a cool anime at that age? Think, people, think!
* * *
Just when things start to get better, my life is jumbled up again. Four years had passed and I'd learned to accept my mother's death, the fact that my 2nd best friend Mimi had moved to America, and that my dad had abandoned me forever. It took time, but I have Taichi to really thank for it. My real best friend who's been by my side practically my entire life, or all that I can remember anyway, and who said he would always be with me. I know he wasn't lying, I could tell he meant it, and it's not his fault that this happened. Maybe my old journal entries will explain...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 13
I finally stopped writing stories. I just don't have anything interesting in my life. There's pretty much no one left to leave me (I thought) and I'm not even an important Digidestined anymore, now that the new Chosen Children are here. I suppose I was never really important anyway, but Taichi somehow manages to convince me that.
Speaking of Taichi and I, we've drifted apart again. We really don't mean to. But since I stopped writing, we stopped hanging out at the tree after school, until we pretty much didn't even see each other that much. Maybe if I started writing again...no, we both just don't care anymore. My life is boring, so I don't think anything is worth a story. I went to a journal, the other thing Dr. Natomi suggested. It works fine, another outlet for my emotions. But there's no one to share it with.
I've made some new friends at school, since people find me more likeable than I was after my mom died and all that stuff. None of them can compare to Taichi or Mimi. I feel like I can't completely be myself for some reason. I realized I had no choice but to tell Taichi about this. He might understand too...but he has Yamato, Koushiro, the guys on the soccer team, his personal fan club, practically everyone in school. I don't think he'd ever be too bigheaded to avoid me for that, I just assume he's busy. Yet he has so much free time to go to the Digiworld...
Sometimes journals are bad. I think TOO much, and I get way too in depth about things that aren't pleasant to think about. That possibly Taichi didn't care about me anymore. It was so gradual that I hadn't even realized we were moving away from each other, talking less and less, missing hang outs at the tree even though it was routine, like brushing your teeth... Now the most I see him is in the hallway, and the most contact we've ever had is a "hi" if he isn't talking to someone or accidentally brushing past him. Winter has made a great friendship wilt...can it bloom again with spring coming?
I've decided. I'll talk to him. And soon.
_______________________________
March 15
I'm so stupid. Now everybody thinks I'm part of the "I Love Taichi" fan club. How can trying to fix a problem make it ten times worse? But the worst part is, that Taichi and I got into a fight. More like, he got really mad at me, and I wanted to cry.
I had gathered up my nerve to talk to him at lunchtime. I bought my lunch and easily spotted Yamato with a huge crowd of girls around him, but Taichi seemed to be missing. I asked Koushiro about it, and he said he didn't know where Taichi was, but probably playing soccer. So I went to the soccer field and asked his teammates where he was, since he wasn't playing soccer either. None of them could give me a single straight answer, so I gave up. I searched the entire school, but I couldn't find him.
Stressed, I headed for the library, the place I hung out to think and write in my journal. It was the last place I expected to see Taichi. But he was there, and he saw me coming. He tried to run, but the librarian got mad at him, and I caught up.
"Taichi! I've been trying to talk to you for ages, but you always slip away..." I said breathlessly.
His eyes kept darting to the door, and he never once looked at me, especially into my eyes.
I was worried and a little hurt. Why was he avoiding me? He better have had a good reason...but what did I ever do to him? "Hey, what's wrong?"
He made a sudden dash away, but I grabbed onto his arm. "Sora--" he protested. I had a feeling that he wasn't struggling as hard as he could have, because he didn't want to hurt me. So why was he ignoring me? Nothing makes sense. I can't tell what he's feeling anymore. I can't even tell what I'm feeling.
"Why won't you talk to me? I need to ask you something."
"I'm not very good at schoolwork, ask Koushiro." He shook his arm out of my hold, but I held on again.
"It's not about that," I said, trying to pull him back to me. "It's about us--"
"What about us?" he asked, suddenly getting angry.
I wanted to roll my eyes, but if something was wrong, I had no right being a skeptic. So I tried catching his eye. "I mean you're avoiding me--"
"So?" he asked toughly.
"Why?" I asked, still clinging to his arm, tighter than I had intended to at first, but now he was really trying to get away.
"Because..." He was silent for a second. "Because you annoy the hell out of me! Stop following me -- and let go!" He jerked his arm away from me and ran away. "I can't stand you! I hate you! Just stay away from me and out of my life!"
His words struck me harder than a punch or physical attack ever could. I wanted to cry right then. I annoyed him? He hated me? What happened to our friendship? Trying to bite back tears, something I didn't do as well anymore, I made my way to a table, until I just collapsed onto the chair. He really hated me... Why? What changed? What happened to us? And can I fix it?
It's not very fun being dubbed "Taichi's stalker" either. I know I've survived a lot worse. But no one has ever been that mean to me. Taichi was always the one who protected me from people who tried to insult me and make me feel horrible -- and now, he's become one of those people.
______________________________
March 19
I've felt miserable for the longest time. People at school don't stop with the taunts, and Taichi's real fan club are trying to get me to join them. They used to hate me, because I was such close friends with him. I was a threat, but now that the entire school knew that he hated my guts, they're trying to be my friends. Personally, I want to forget any of it happened, but I just can't. It hurts too much.
Aunt Yuki knows something is bothering me, but she has no clue. She leaves me to myself, but sometimes she tries to get me to play tennis with her. Recently, I've enjoyed the solitude a lot more. I stay pretty much to myself, whether it's in school, at home in the garden, or anything. I've become a whole different person, a loner. No one cares about me anymore. I'm sure they've forgotten I even exist. But why did this happen?
All I ever really wanted was someone who cared about me and would stay with me. Is that impossible? I'm not asking for someone to marry. I just want a mom, a dad, a best friend, any friend... I have none. I've begun to isolate myself from the outside world entirely. I know it's not healthy, and I really shouldn't be doing it. Maybe I should go back to therapy; after all, it's not as bad as I had thought.
Could doctors help me? I already knew what was bugging me, now what was I supposed to do? How can I stop myself from feeling so crummy? I wish Taichi would apologize...at least tell me why he's so angry. I need to find out...I need a friend... Maybe I am a stalker. But I just want my best friend back.
_________________________________
March 20
I can't believe I actually did it. Am I stupid, brain-dead, both? Either way, what I did was crazy. Even now I can't believe I did. Oh, I just want to forget it all, but I know I should explain...
I was at the soccer field, just kicking the ball into the net. I do this to relieve my frustrations. Then I saw Taichi, Daisuke, and Hikari walking over, Daisuke spinning the ball on his fingers and trying to impress Hikari. They spotted me too, and I saw Taichi trying to get them to forget about it and go somewhere else. Hikari started talking to him, and then they started arguing. Daisuke and Hikari started pushing him to talk to me, but he was stronger and ran off.
I kicked the ball as hard as I could, and it hit the post and bounced back. I caught it and started running after Taichi. I don't know what made me do it, but Hikari told me to keep going after him. Then she and Daisuke started talking about him, but I couldn't hear. Does everyone know something that I don't? I'm just glad they're not mad at me too.
"Taichi!" I choked out, running as fast as I could.
He was still faster, but we had a lot of experience running in soccer and from the digiworld, so I was pretty close behind. "Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" he asked angrily, wiping the sweat from his forehead.
"Why did you say it?" I asked him.
He looked back at me for a brief second, but he forced himself to look away. "I meant it!"
But in that short second, I had caught a glimpse of guilt in his eyes. Softness, a pang of hurt. It wasn't the cold, steely glare he had been giving me lately. The one I despised. If I knew why he was so angry, would I feel better or possibly worse? There was nothing to do but find out. "What did I ever do?"
He stopped short, and I crashed into him, making us fall in a heap on the ground. This time, he didn't struggle to get away. We were both too tired.
"Nothing," he whispered, the toughness disappearing from his face. He looked sad.
"Then why are you doing this? Why avoid me and say all that?" I demanded.
"I have a reason, but--"
"Then tell me, no buts! I want to know why you said all those things, why you kept avoiding me. It better be a good reason! You made me feel so horrible after that! I thought you hated me! And that made me feel even worse because I love yo--!"
I froze, cutting myself off before I finished, because it took me that long to realize what I was about to say. He just stared at me blankly. We blinked a few times in the awkward silence, until I got up and ran off.
"Uhhh...sorry, I have to leave!"
"Sora!" he yelled. "You what? Come back!"
This time I was doing the running. And this time, he really knew the truth about how I felt about him. But why didn't *I* know before? Am I really in love with Taichi Yagami?
_______________________________
March 21
I knew I couldn't run from Taichi forever. I just wished I could have still been running before he caught up to me while I was still off-guard. I didn't know what to tell him, what to do. I've never loved anyone in my entire life. I always thought love was supposed to make you feel happy, so why do I feel worse?
I was rushing home after tennis practice on Saturday, when someone called my name. I turned around. "Yamato?"
"Sora!" He ran up to me.
"What do you want?" I asked, clutching my duffel bag to my chest.
"Did you mean what you said to Taichi yesterday?" he asked suddenly.
"He told you? What? I-- Ummm..." I was all jumbled up, at a loss for words. Finally, I stammered out, "It's none of your business!"
"I know," Yamato said. "But it's Taichi's."
"Yes, I know that. But you're not Taichi. So leave me alone."
"But I am," someone said, popping out of the bushes. It was Taichi, looking rather nervous. "Hey, Sora."
I tried to run again, but Taichi grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to him. He pulled me a bit too close though. We were standing pressed right against each other, face to face. Needless to say, it was really awkward. He laughed sort of sheepishly and let me go.
"Just let me talk to you, all right?"
I reluctantly nodded; surrendering; understanding what it was like needing to talk to someone so bad because something was killing you inside, and they were just trying to run, as I had gone through it only a few days ago. "All right...about what?"
"You know what I want to talk about," he said, "otherwise, you wouldn't have tried to run."
I hung my head. "Okay, okay. I was telling the truth, you know that by now. I do...you know."
"Yeah, I know." We looked away from each other, not realizing that Yamato had snuck away, and were quiet. And then out of nowhere, he pulled me back to him and kissed me right on the lips.
I was really surprised, but I kissed him back, feeling on top of the world. I didn't know why he was doing it, but it was one of the happiest moments of my life. When we drew apart some seconds later, I couldn't hide my wide smile. "What was that for?"
"I've wanted to do that for years...because...I'm sort of in love with you too," he replied, blushing bright pink. I was practically flying. Then he looked glum again for some reason. "You're probably wondering why I said I hated you."
"And annoyed the hell out of you, and you couldn't stand me," I said, chewing my lower lip.
"Oh no, don't cry or anything," he said, looking worried. He cupped my face in his hand and wiped any traces of tears away from my eyes with his thumb. He moved his hand to my hair, slightly ruffling it, and then he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I have a pretty okay explanation...but I still had no right to say that."
I was surprised at how compassionate and caring he was being. It was nothing like the Taichi I ever knew, before and during when he was mean to me. "What's the reason, then?" I asked, looking into his deep brown eyes, wishing he would kiss me again.
"This is really hard for me to say," he said, fidgeting, his hands behind his back. "I tried to avoid it... But now I realize I can't any longer. Sora -- I sort of have to move."
"Where?" I asked, trying to remain calm.
"Somewhere thousands of miles away from Japan," he said sadly. "My dad got a new job in another country."
"When are you going?" I shoved my hands in my pockets.
"Next week," he said glumly.
I was amazed. "Were you ever planning to tell me?"
"Yeah, of course...maybe right before I had to leave," he said, looking embarrassed.
"So you have to leave in a week. That still doesn't explain why you said all that crap."
"I know... Well, you now know I love you. And I know lots of people say that we can't fall in love when we're our age and it won't last, but they haven't had to protect and lead seven others to save two worlds, they haven't even been to another world, fought the battles we have, lost the digimon we have... They don't know how thinking everyday you can lose your life without ever having loved anyone can make you feel things you didn't think you could." Taichi coughed. "Anyway, I'll finally get to the point. I said the exact opposite of my feelings for you because I thought it wouldn't hurt as much if you hated me and I left. You'd be glad I was gone. But now I know it can't work that way. And I was trying to deny my feelings for you because I didn't want to miss you so much. I wanted to stay strong, but now I don't think I can..."
This time, I put my hands around his neck and kissed him on the lips. I've never felt so happy and horrible all at the same time. "When everyone started leaving my life, you were the one who made me feel better, who stayed by my side, who cheered me up in my worst moment. I called you my best friend, my big brother, but I knew you weren't that type of person to me. It's different. I've never felt this way before in my life about anyone. The love for Biyomon, my mom...it's different from the love I feel for you. I don't want you to leave. Everyone who's ever meant anything in my life leaves me. Why?"
"It's not because of you. Frankly, I don't know why you have to go through this stuff either. I wish you didn't have to."
"Me too."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "I know what I did was stupid and I'm really sorry. But maybe we shouldn't feel bad, but try to have the best time we can while we're still together. I just don't want to get too close, because we'll be hurt more that way. Let's just keep things light, but let's have fun being together for the rest of the time we do have."
"You're right," I mumbled against the fabric of his shirt. "We should save the cheesy goodbyes until the day you really leave."
"Yeah," he whispered, resting his forehead against mine. We closed our eyes and our breathing became in sync. He moved one of his hands to my hair and fingered it.
"Taichi!" Hikari came walking down the street, looking for him. "What are you doing?"
We jumped apart in surprise. I untangled myself from his arms, and we looked at Hikari, blushing.
"Sorry to ruin your love fest, but Taichi, did you forget? It's Mom's birthday tonight and we're eating out. We were supposed to leave right when you got home."
"Fine," he said, irritated. "Hey, Hikari...could you possibly leave for a few seconds?"
"Taichi, I'm a teenager now. It's not like I haven't seen kissing before," she said indignantly.
"Just so long as you aren't the one doing the kissing," he replied sternly. "You're only thirteen. If I hear TK and you are kissing, I'll kill both of you."
"It's not like we make out or anything," she said rolling her eyes. I saw her eyes suddenly light up with a mischievous glint. "...yet."
He made a sudden dash for his younger sister, but I caught his arm and held him back. "Please stay here for a while longer. Oh, and Hikari? Run!"
Hikari nodded and began to jog away. "Taichi, you better make it quick. Seriously, no super-long make-out sessions--"
"GO!" he yelled angrily, turning red. He turned back to face me and his eyes softened. "Er, sorry about that."
"I understand. But before you leave for the birthday party or whatever..." I surprised both of us by pulling on his collar and drawing him into a deep, passionate kiss. It was a new experience for me, but I knew I could get used to it. Too bad he had to move so soon...
Taichi sensed I was tense and he pulled back. "What's wrong?"
"Guess," I said sarcastically. "Sorry I had to ruin the best moment we've shared together like that. So much for keeping things light. Taichi, you should just leave now. I don't want you to miss your mom's birthday dinner."
"I want to walk you home."
I nodded and laced his fingers through mine. "We better hurry then, so you aren't any more late."
"Yeah, and this time it isn't HER cooking," he replied. We laughed, and he put his arm around me. I wished we could stay like that forever. I wish we could always be together, now that we've realized our feelings. But it would all end in a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sora, what are you doing?" Taichi leaped up onto the tree branch of the big oak tree. "Ah, writing a story again. Maybe you could read me a story, like the good times."
"Naw, it's not a story," I said, closing it quickly and hiding it from him. "It's personal."
"Hey, I know you love me, what else is there to hide?"
"It's my journal. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone reading it," I said simply. "It's like invading my thoughts."
"That would make for an interesting story," he replied.
"I know, but I can only write things that have happened to me." I sighed. "I really suck, no matter what you say."
"Ah, breaking out the low self-esteem and self confidence. You truly are a writer now."
I rolled my eyes. "You're such a dork."
"You do know what that is, right?" he asked, grinning.
"You have a nasty mind, and you're a retard. Why am I in love with you again?"
Taichi laughed. "Because I'm such a CUTE and LOVABLE perverted retard."
"You'll never change," I said exasperatedly. "Is it just me, or are you the least affected person from the Digiworld?"
"Come on, I'm a good leader, I lead using sympathy and compassion now, I've gotten a lot stronger, and I actually think before I act...sometimes." He crossed his arms. "Hey, just because I didn't quit soccer, take up tennis and flower arranging, and all that other stuff doesn't mean I was affected at all."
"But that had nothing to do with the Digiworld." I looked at him and giggled. "You're cute when you're mad."
"I know," he said, sounding like a total ego-maniac.
"I know you know and that you know I know you're cute." I was trying to get him confused, because he looked even cuter that way. "But they say that the cute guys always turn out to be the gay ones in high school," I teased.
"Hey, we're in high school and I'm still straight. I love you, remember?"
"That's not exactly the kind of thing you forget in a few days."
"Smart ass," he pouted mockingly.
"Dumb ass," I said, giggling.
He pushed me off the tree, and I fell off, still laughing. "Hey, I got your diary!" He started running off.
"Come back!" I yelled, chasing after him. "Jerk, give it back!"
He started running around in circles, and I kept following him, in fun now, until we collapsed on top of each other on the grass, laughing like crazy. I snatched the JOURNAL from his hands and hit him over the head. We were laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe.
It was like the good old days again. Taichi and I acting like complete and total idiots. It was fun, but we were little children anymore. We were older now -- and facing a huge tragedy. It was nice to know that even through all the crap we're going through, we can still act like our lives and carefree and all fun and games.
* * *
"Never was a tale of more woe, than of Juliet and her Romeo."
"That was different," I replied, looking at Taichi. "Normally I read to you."
"It was meant to be different. That's the point. We should try new things. After all, we have four days left," Taichi said.
"I really don't think the book was all that romantic," I commented.
"You're a girl. It's supposed to be the greatest love story and all that mush."
"Yeah, great love story. They come from two moral enemy feuding families, they're married in secret against their families' will, Romeo is banished from Verona, Juliet is being forced to marry Paris, and they all live happily ever after. Yeah right. Plus, Mercutio dies, Tybalt dies, Romeo drinks poison and dies, Juliet stabs herself in the heart and -- what was it again? Oh yes, that's right, she dies. Very romantic," I said sarcastically. "They died for each other, that's romantic, but very stupid."
"Stop being such a cynic. Girls are supposed to appreciate these things. And you haven't always been like most girls, so the feuding, sword fights, and deaths should be cool," Taichi said. "My favorite is when that stupid bastard Tybalt dies."
"Death isn't cool, Taichi."
"Stop being so serious about this. Romeo and Juliet is a masterpiece of classic literature."
"Ooh, big words," I teased.
"I thought this story WAS supposed to be romantic, though, that's why I wanted to read it to you. Willy Shakespeare didn't do such a good job."
"It's a drama. They call it 'The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet'," I informed him.
"Maybe I should have read something cool," he remarked, tossing the book across his living room. It was a sea of boxes and packing paper.
"Like what?"
"I don't know...something violent and bloody," he said with a shrug. "Then you could get all grossed out and jump into my arms, and then I'll kiss you and tell you it'll all be all right."
"I'm nothing like that," I said dryly.
"Hey, a guy can dream."
I hopped into his lap anyway, and he put his arms around me, holding me against his chest. He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed my neck. After a while, I heard the front door open and two whispering voices.
"Come on, my parents are out and Taichi shouldn't be home right now. Sora and he went to their hangout spot," Hikari whispered.
"Good," someone else said.
"Takeru!" Taichi choked out. "Hikari! What are you two doing?"
They stared at us guiltily. Takeru's arms were around her waist, and it was obvious they had been kissing.
"Takeru!" Taichi repeated furiously. "You do know I'm going to kick your a--"
"Taichi!" I scolded him. "Come on, they're thirteen now. And they have only a few days together too. Don't ruin it even more. Come on, we can go find somewhere else."
"I don't trust the two of them alone in an empty house."
"And again, they're THIRTEEN!" I said exasperatedly, trying to drag him with me. "Let's just go."
"Oh, fine," he said reluctantly. "But if you try anything--" Hikari and Takeru both rolled their eyes behind his back, but looked innocent when he turned to face them again. "Is that clear?"
"Yes, Taichi," they said in a monotone. "Please, we'll be good. We only have four days together, just like you do."
That hit his soft spot, being in the same position as them. "Okay, I'll let us all enjoy the precious time we have." Then I pulled him out the door.
________________________________
March 27
I woke up this morning from a depressing dream, which was kind of weird. I had no idea what it was supposed to mean. It didn't even piece together, let alone, make any sense at all! It's never happened before, and it can't relate anything to real life. I don't remember all of it; it was hazy in the dream anyway. Maybe it's some kind of sign about Taichi and I, but I just don't understand it.
I shook my head, snapping out of it, and then crossed off another day on the calendar above my bed. One more day...one more day...tomorrow the Yagami family would be moving away from Odaiba, from Japan, from Asia. Now was my last chance to spend a day with Taichi and then say goodbye. But I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to say goodbye, but if I didn't, I would never see him again. I hate the fact that he's leaving, but I'll have to deal with it. I just don't want another goodbye...
I was walking towards the Yagami's apartment complex, with my hands in my pockets and my head down. Then suddenly, I just knew that I wouldn't be able to ever say goodbye to Taichi. It would just kill me even more. I looked at the apartment I was nearing, trying to decide whether to keep going. My mind and logic told me to say goodbye, since it was my only chance, but my heart was urging me to stay away. Deep down inside, I probably should have said goodbye, but I just felt it would be too horrible. I shook my head, gave a lingering glance at the apartment building, and walked away.
_____________________________
March 28
It's Saturday morning now. I think back to yesterday and now I realize... What was I thinking? What am I thinking now? Even now I'm not sure I did the right thing. I still know I'd never be able to handle saying goodbye, but I know he still has to leave even if I don't. It's probably worse that I didn't say goodbye...no last kiss, no final words, nothing. Am I just stupid? A complete coward? I'm not sure about anything, I don't know what I'm doing anymore...
I just need to get away and clear my thoughts. Because frankly, this journal isn't helping. I need someone to really share it with, like Dr. Natomi said. But that person is gone. Taichi, Hikari, the Yagamis...gone. Taichi, my best friend since forever, the one I loved, the one person who was always there for me was now out of my life forever, just like everyone else who ever meant anything to me, mostly my mother -- but this time, I had the chance, and I didn't even say goodbye.
THE END
A/N: No, no, don't worry, I'd never end it like that. (Unless you want me to end there because I suck so much that reading my fics is making you feel dumber and dumber each second) I just feel like torturing you people a little more. I've got a sappy epilogue stored somewhere. Or should it be a sad ending? Happy? Sad? Both? You decide! I always have you people choose these things. NOTE: I've nearly finished the happy ending, while on the other hand, I just right now got an idea for the sad one. So it's up to you! So review the damn thing already. Please?