A Children's Story: The Night //Tenchi Muyo based
Well, it's been almost 4 years since I've actually picked up a paper and pen (aka. sat infront of a keypad) with the intent of finishing a fic. I have started a few, but after a while I just shelved them in the back of my hard drive.
Well, a little bit back someone emailed me about the last fic I wrote, and that got me enthused to actually get something I finished that I started back when I wrote the other.
The reason I shelved it was due to me biting off more then I could chew. It was a difficult premiss to begin with. I was intending on creating a story, implanting a story within it, and capping it off with a surprised ending that answers just who is telling the story. The latter and conclusion of the three wasn't so difficult, but the second story seemed to drag on.
Any way, I took the idea of a small child spending her first night in a bedroom separate from her parents. This is something that anybody that can remember their childhood can relate to. The child is frightened by pretty much everything around her in the dark. When her fear proves to be the victor, her mother attempts to calm the child with a bed-time story.
The bedtime story itself became difficult due to the fact that I wanted to take elements from all of the different Tenchi Muyo continuums and create a similar story but at the same time different enough to make the identity of the teller impossible to figure out. All-in-all, it was looking okay. Yet it was getting far to long.
I try to stay within a certain restraint when it comes to fanfics, 10-15 pages tops for a long oneshot. Anything beyond that can either loose the interest of the reader or makes the outcome skew from what it was originally intended to be. Also it becomes a short story, which defeats the purpose for a oneshot fanfic. At the point of it's untimely demise, I had reached just under 20 page mark, and I was probably only 3/4ths of the way through with it.
At the least, I'm going to hammer out some ways to shorten the side story. But I could use some feed back on the cover story of the child and mother. I'm attaching the beginning of it. I'm looking for grammatical correctness and theoretical fluidity.
The only thing different from the first post is I took the advice of a few responses, both on and off of the board, to remove the child-dialect. I also did some smoothing of the remaining material I had and I intend on submitting them in sections as chapters.
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"The Night" (updated)
The night's voice was loud in the still of the storm. The whistle of the wind whaled, imaginary feet scurried along the floor, and the tapping sound of windows caused by raindrops grew ever so louder with each passing heartbeat. Tucked in a ball under a bundle of sheets lay a small child, shaking with the intended fear for one her age - - when left in a dark room by themselves. Places of such a nature can become large grottoes in the eyes of a fearful child.
She remained there motionless with both eyes shut tight like rusted cellar doors. Her ears were her only means of interaction between her and the surrounding orchestra of frightful sounds. The simple things that clicked, whistled, and cracked in the night were vile hideous monsters in her mind. She held her breath as she tried to wait them out. Her hope was that they'd all go away if she waited long enough. However, the loud cackle of a thunderbolt sent the air from her fragile lungs to her mouth, as she screamed out, "MOMMY!!! DADDY!!!"
A young woman ran into the room, followed by her spouse. The little girl was sitting up in her bed rubbing the tears out of her eyes. She leaned out and reached for her mother, as the young lady sat down beside her.
Her father sat down on the other side of the bed and placed a hand on the back of her head. The child had it buried in her mother's shoulder. She lifted her head and looked into her mother's eyes with a cute, scared, puppy dog expression as she asked, "Can I please sweep in your bed tonight?" Her father began to reply, "Sure you ca…," but he was cut off by his wife.
"Dear, why don't you go downstairs and make us all some tea? I'll take care of things here, okay…"
"Oh, okay… Two cups of tea coming up for my two special ladies."
He began to leave out of the room. When he reached the door, he looked back at his wife and daughter. His daughter still had her face buried in his wife shoulder; with both shuteyes watering like small waterfalls. He thought about turning around and going back inside, but his wife waved him on. Her gesture and steady expression told him that she knew what she was doing. So he pressed forward and left the room.
His wife watched him leave and then began to rub the head that was nestled so close to her.
"Honey, you're a big girl now. I know this is your first night sleeping by yourself, but you have to learn to be strong."
"But I'm scared… Please mommy… I'll be good."
"Oh honey, we didn't put you in this room to punish you. It's just time for you to have a room of your own. You're mommy's big girl now, remember?"
The child rubbed her eyes with the back of one of her hands, and began to nod slightly as she replied, "Uh huh." Her mother placed her thumb on her cheek and then scrolled across it to rub off the remaining tears. Now with her face dried, her mother placed both of her hands on her daughter's shoulders and positioned her back down in bed. She then began to tap the bottom of her chin with one of fingers, as she smiled from the idea she had formulated
"I bet I know how to take your mind off of being in your new room."
"How?"
"I'm going to tell you a story.
"What kind of a story?"
"Any kind that you'd like."
"A love story?"
"Sure honey, if that's what you'd like?"
"Uh huh…"
"Hm… Let's see. Ah, I know one you might like. I saw this in a dream.
A long time ago...
Well, it's been almost 4 years since I've actually picked up a paper and pen (aka. sat infront of a keypad) with the intent of finishing a fic. I have started a few, but after a while I just shelved them in the back of my hard drive.
Well, a little bit back someone emailed me about the last fic I wrote, and that got me enthused to actually get something I finished that I started back when I wrote the other.
The reason I shelved it was due to me biting off more then I could chew. It was a difficult premiss to begin with. I was intending on creating a story, implanting a story within it, and capping it off with a surprised ending that answers just who is telling the story. The latter and conclusion of the three wasn't so difficult, but the second story seemed to drag on.
Any way, I took the idea of a small child spending her first night in a bedroom separate from her parents. This is something that anybody that can remember their childhood can relate to. The child is frightened by pretty much everything around her in the dark. When her fear proves to be the victor, her mother attempts to calm the child with a bed-time story.
The bedtime story itself became difficult due to the fact that I wanted to take elements from all of the different Tenchi Muyo continuums and create a similar story but at the same time different enough to make the identity of the teller impossible to figure out. All-in-all, it was looking okay. Yet it was getting far to long.
I try to stay within a certain restraint when it comes to fanfics, 10-15 pages tops for a long oneshot. Anything beyond that can either loose the interest of the reader or makes the outcome skew from what it was originally intended to be. Also it becomes a short story, which defeats the purpose for a oneshot fanfic. At the point of it's untimely demise, I had reached just under 20 page mark, and I was probably only 3/4ths of the way through with it.
At the least, I'm going to hammer out some ways to shorten the side story. But I could use some feed back on the cover story of the child and mother. I'm attaching the beginning of it. I'm looking for grammatical correctness and theoretical fluidity.
The only thing different from the first post is I took the advice of a few responses, both on and off of the board, to remove the child-dialect. I also did some smoothing of the remaining material I had and I intend on submitting them in sections as chapters.
___________________________________________________
"The Night" (updated)
The night's voice was loud in the still of the storm. The whistle of the wind whaled, imaginary feet scurried along the floor, and the tapping sound of windows caused by raindrops grew ever so louder with each passing heartbeat. Tucked in a ball under a bundle of sheets lay a small child, shaking with the intended fear for one her age - - when left in a dark room by themselves. Places of such a nature can become large grottoes in the eyes of a fearful child.
She remained there motionless with both eyes shut tight like rusted cellar doors. Her ears were her only means of interaction between her and the surrounding orchestra of frightful sounds. The simple things that clicked, whistled, and cracked in the night were vile hideous monsters in her mind. She held her breath as she tried to wait them out. Her hope was that they'd all go away if she waited long enough. However, the loud cackle of a thunderbolt sent the air from her fragile lungs to her mouth, as she screamed out, "MOMMY!!! DADDY!!!"
A young woman ran into the room, followed by her spouse. The little girl was sitting up in her bed rubbing the tears out of her eyes. She leaned out and reached for her mother, as the young lady sat down beside her.
Her father sat down on the other side of the bed and placed a hand on the back of her head. The child had it buried in her mother's shoulder. She lifted her head and looked into her mother's eyes with a cute, scared, puppy dog expression as she asked, "Can I please sweep in your bed tonight?" Her father began to reply, "Sure you ca…," but he was cut off by his wife.
"Dear, why don't you go downstairs and make us all some tea? I'll take care of things here, okay…"
"Oh, okay… Two cups of tea coming up for my two special ladies."
He began to leave out of the room. When he reached the door, he looked back at his wife and daughter. His daughter still had her face buried in his wife shoulder; with both shuteyes watering like small waterfalls. He thought about turning around and going back inside, but his wife waved him on. Her gesture and steady expression told him that she knew what she was doing. So he pressed forward and left the room.
His wife watched him leave and then began to rub the head that was nestled so close to her.
"Honey, you're a big girl now. I know this is your first night sleeping by yourself, but you have to learn to be strong."
"But I'm scared… Please mommy… I'll be good."
"Oh honey, we didn't put you in this room to punish you. It's just time for you to have a room of your own. You're mommy's big girl now, remember?"
The child rubbed her eyes with the back of one of her hands, and began to nod slightly as she replied, "Uh huh." Her mother placed her thumb on her cheek and then scrolled across it to rub off the remaining tears. Now with her face dried, her mother placed both of her hands on her daughter's shoulders and positioned her back down in bed. She then began to tap the bottom of her chin with one of fingers, as she smiled from the idea she had formulated
"I bet I know how to take your mind off of being in your new room."
"How?"
"I'm going to tell you a story.
"What kind of a story?"
"Any kind that you'd like."
"A love story?"
"Sure honey, if that's what you'd like?"
"Uh huh…"
"Hm… Let's see. Ah, I know one you might like. I saw this in a dream.
A long time ago...