AN: I started brainstorming on the way back to my dorm after supper one evening, how a soundboard prank call would play out with Dr. Doofenshmirtz as the victim. The original soundboards of choice were those of one of my favorite victims, but I then decided that might be in poor taste. So, I looked on line for some celebrity boards, and found that the quotes on the Dr. Phil soundboard would be perfect for Doof!
Two Disclaimers: 1st, Listening to soundboard pranks is a guilt pleasure of mine. I am not a pranker, nor do I encourage anyone to be. 2nd, I don't own Dr. Phil or Phineas and Ferb.
After a typical day in Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, the exhausted evil scientist slumps into his sofa, nursing a bruised cheek with an ice pack. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was about to reach for the television remote off to the side when the phone at his other side rang. He picked up the receiver, and grunted. "Hello,"
[How's it goin?] The voice from the receiver was a masculine mid tone that did not sound familiar to Doofenshmirtz.
Normally, in this situation, a person would ask with whom he or she is speaking, but since said person is Dr. Doofenshmirtz after being thwarted by Perry the Platypus, the response, after reaching for the remote again, was a sardonic "Well, what do I say? 'I just got my butt handed to me by a platypus again?' Like anyone would actually believe that?"
[That's a load of crap!]
"Oh, it is, is it?" Doof scoffed. "Well let's see you make up a better one!"
[Do you realize that this is a big problem?] The strange voice asked.
"Nooo, ya think?" Doof pressed the power on the remote, as he rolled his eyes.
[Lemme ask you something; Do you torture small animals?]
"What the-? NO! That's a whole level of evil that even I wouldn't stoop to!" The sputtering doctor placed the remote on the couch cushion next to him and began to ramble.
"So what if I trap a platypus on a regular basis? He's my nemesis. It's all part of the job! It's not like I send electrical currents through his body, or force him to watch through an entire High School Musical marathon! I just trap him, tell him of my evil scheme, accompanied with the occasional dramatic backstory or musical number, he escapes and thwarts me, and I spend the rest of the day contemplating my next scheme! I may have skipped a few minor details, but it's a pretty solid routine for us." Doofenshmirtz paused for a moment as a thought dawned on him. "Man; what am I doing with my life?"
[Are you avoiding reality?]
"How can I avoid reality when I have clip shows that prove everything I said?" Doof asked rhetorically, shrugging off the shattered fourth wall.
[Right now, you're really playing the victim.]
"I don't have to 'play' the victim." Doof stated, grabbing the remote again. "I already am!"
[Tell me how that's a good deal for you.]
"Well," Doof sighed as he flipped through the channels. "I hate to admit it, but I'm a very sad, lonely man." Newscast after newscast displayed on the doctor's flat screen, and they were all about a certain mayor. It was building up on Doof's nerves. "And Perry the Platypus helps me let off some steam that's been building up since childhood."
[What are the choices that you have made that have led you to the results that you now live with?]
"Do I really have to answer that?" Doof groaned. "I just did a whole backstory about it today!"
[You are divorced, right?]
"Oh, sure," Doof retorted. "That, they remember… Maaan," He paused. The doctor could swear he had said this before, but he could not remember when or where. "Why do I suddenly feel a sense of déjà vu?"
[Are you willing to stop feeling the way you feel, and try to work your way out of this?]
"Wait a minute!" The slow-witted scientist (Doof: HEY!) grew suspicious and furrowed his brows. "Why am I telling you this stuff? Do I know you?"
[I'm a drunk pimp!]
"Okay," Doof quipped. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
[I want you to start living as a gay woman.]
Doofenshmirtz's eye twitched as his grip on the remote loosened from his hand. After a long pause, there was but one simple word that could effectively express his confusion. "WHAT?"
[And I want you to start having a gay relationship.]
"How is that even possible?" Doof broke into another ramble. "I mean I know my voice is a bit high pitched and all, but do I really sound like a woman to you?"
[You know what? I'm not some schmoe here.]
Doofenshmirtz paused for a moment when a berating sneer etched his face. "It's Monobrow isn't it?"
[No.]
"Admit it!" he spat. "You guys have nothing better to do at the end of the day than pester every evil scientist you stalk!"
[I don't know anything.]
"Wait," Doof asked after a moment of thought. "Are you that bum that's always lying around the alley next to my building?"
[I just wanted to call, and remind you, that you don't matter.]
"You know, I'm starting to prefer the platypus's back sassing." Doof said flatly. "The only sound he makes is that weird chatter!"
[I didn't do anything wrong!]
"Oh, how is that?" Doof rebutted. "You're dialing up random phone numbers and harassing complete strangers with weird phone calls asking personal questions! What do you call that?"
[What are you so angry about?]
"What do you THINK I'm angry about?" Doof's voice rose gradually as his patience fell. "You're making my day go from bad to worse just through this one call! Now GET off the phone before I use my new Vaporizinator on you!"
[Quit being mad at me, and just love me again!]
The fuming evil scientist pulled a ray gun out of his lab coat, and shouted out some profanity in his native tongue as he pulled the trigger.
Doofenshmirtz leaned back in his seat, ignoring the vapors emitting from where the phone once sat. "Yep," he grunted as he listened half-attentively to the finishing statements on the newscast. "Tomorrow's gonna be another 'humiliate Roger' scheme." Before he could get out of his seat to search for his note pad, a different phone rang from another part of his apartment.
The foul tempered scientist rose from his seat, grumbling as he trudged toward the phone. "WHAT?" He barked into the new receiver impatiently.
[I deserve to be treated better than this!]
"Of course," Doof moaned to himself. "I vaporized the phone, but not the line." He then bellowed into his receiver, "CUUURSE YOOUU, RANDOM BUUUUUUUUM!"
Meanwhile, a certain teal semi-aquatic mammal redialed a number though Skype on the large computer in his lair. The ring back tone chimed, ~Doofenshmirtz's line is disconeeeecteeed!~ With a smug smile curling on his bill, the agent exited the program, delivering his signature chirp.
EXTRA
*standard ringback tone*
Charlene: Hello?
Phil: At what point did you decide that you had married, uh, an evil genius?
Charlene: Who is this?
Phil: Dr. Phil
Charlene: *chuckles* Aren't you a little old to be playing with soundboards?
Phil: No.
Charlene: Well, whoever you are, I have to get going. *flips cell phone shut*
Phil: You can get self-righteous till the cows come home.