Good With Wood
By: Emmithar
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: Own nothing but my imagination; which in this case you probably wouldn't want anyways
Summary: Will is good with wood. But what exactly 'is' wood? Parody
A/N: This is very different from anything I've ever written before, just a forewarning to those of you who normally read my work. It's better if you don't ask…
Good With Wood
Dr. Limb: Hello, and welcome to the third weekly meeting of WUA, also known as Wood Users Anonymous. My name is Dr. Limb, and I am here for all of you. I would like to start out by saying that everyone here has been making great progress, and that we will keep working together to constantly improve ourselves. In the meantime, I would like you to meet our newest member, a resident that lives in our very own Sherwood Forest. Would you like to say hello?
Will: Hi, my name is Will….
Group: Hi, Will!
Dr. Limb: So tell us why you are here today.
Will: Um…I like wood….
Group: Wood rules!
Dr. Limb: Can you tell us exactly how long you've been hooked on wood?
Will: Well…as long as I can remember. I guess you can say I blame my father. I know some people say you can't blame your parents, but my earliest memories were of me and my father sneaking outside to…you know, do wood.
Dr. Limb: Yes, that can be really tough when you have parental influence. When did you first realize that it was becoming a problem?
Will: Well, I guess before the new sheriff and Guy of Gisborne took over. Back then everything was all peaceful and nice. Wood was something I did to enjoy myself from time to time. But then the king had to go and get himself in a big war, and then Edward was ousted and the new sheriff took over. He started raising taxes and robbing people, killing them. Doing wood was the only thing that made things better, so I started to do it more often.
Dr. Limb: And how did that make you feel?
Will: Kind of stiff, I guess. I know I should have been helping at home, taking care of my mother and making sure she ate like my father said. But I would feed her meals to the chickens, just so that I could go outside and do some wood instead.
Dr. Limb: And what happened then?
Will: Well, my father found out about my 'problem' after my mother died. I mean, if she had lived longer, I could have gotten things under control. He went ballistic, told me that I had to stop wood or else he'd cut his hand off.
Dr. Limb: And what did you do when he told you this?
Will: I stayed with wood of course. I didn't think that he would actually go out and do that, I mean, he used to do wood all the time when he was my age. I guess all those years of doing it fried his brain or something.
Dr. Limb: So when your father cut off his own hand, don't you think you should have stopped then?
Will: It's not something you can just give up. I mean, I thought about it, especially when I was caught stealing wood. They threw me in the dungeons and my brother, too. It was his first time trying wood, so I guess it was mostly my fault.
Dr. Limb: How did that make you feel?
Will: Really bad, honestly. I should have started Luke when he was a lot younger. That way he wouldn't have gone into that horrible hacking fit, and give us away to the guards.
Dr. Limb: What happened after that?
Will: The sheriff wanted us to hang, of course, for doing wood. Wood isn't exactly legal, and he wanted people to know that wood could kill you. But Robin didn't think it was fair. He was one those 'free spirits', you see. He felt that if we wanted to do wood so much that we would risk our lives, then we should be allowed to do it. So he rescued me and my brother, Giddens, too. He was our main supplier of wood. Allan was saved, too; I didn't really know the man back then, he was just another buyer of Giddens.
Dr. Limb: So after Robin saved you, what happened?
Will: We left town, went to the forest. Life was great, we could have wood all the time. We even slept in wood. Good times. But then Robin had to go all high and mighty, and talk about fighting the sheriff and oppressing his anti-wood laws. He wanted to steal all the wood back from him, and give it away to the poor so that they could have wood, too.
Dr. Limb: And you felt that this was a bad thing?
Will: Of course! We were having a good old time with our wood. And Robin wanted to give it all away. I mean, it's not like the poor need wood to live. Anyways, Robin appointed my father as Chief of Public Relations, and had him speak openly about legalizing the use of wood.
Dr. Limb: And what happened then?
Will: He was assassinated for it. Which was a real bummer, because like, he did all of that for me. I felt real bad, and I knew I had to do something.
Dr. Limb: What did you do?
Will: I poisoned the sheriff's wood; his secret stash.
Dr. Limb: How terrible! You did that even though you knew what would happen to the town?
Will: Yes, the entire town's supply of medical wood would be burned. I was okay with that. That stuff is cheap and it doesn't work like the pure stuff does.
Dr. Limb: So you would sacrifice other people's wood just to suit yourself?
Will: At the time, yes. But then Robin had to be all heroic again, and use some of the tainted wood I had left over from poisoning the sheriff. Of course, I had to hand over the remedy so that he wouldn't die.
Dr. Limb: A noble thing of you to do. So what did you do after that? Surely you were still upset at the sheriff?
Will: Well, of course. But we had bigger things to worry about. Our wood stash kept disappearing. So not only did we not have any wood, but the poor were woodless as well.
Dr. Limb: Where was it all going?
Will: Allan was taking it, selling it off to Gisborne in exchange for money. Apparently he changed his mind on wood, thought we should stop giving it all away. Robin kicked him out for that, and now he's with the sheriff and Gisborne, upholding all the anti-wood laws even though we all know they still do it.
Dr. Limb: That must make you upset.
Will: It is upsetting. I mean, we've fought for years to try and legalize it, and he's going around giving away all our secrets. Like where we hide it, and who our suppliers are. He even told the sheriff how we manage to get into the castle, and steal the wood from there. It was so bad, that some of the nights we got no wood at all.
Dr. Limb: What did you do?
Will: The only thing we could do; we found new suppliers, different places to hide it all. It worked, for a time. But then the sheriff came up with a new plan, hired Black Knights, Lords who were vehemently against legalizing wood. They all signed a pact which stated they would pledge their efforts to remove all sources of wood from England.
Dr. Limb: That must have been quite alarming to hear about. What happened after that?
Will: Well, we sent word to the king in the Holy Lands about their plans, urging him to come home so that he could stop it all. King Richard is the largest supporter of legalizing wood; he's the one who first taught Robin about it, so if anyone can help us, it is him.
Dr. Limb: So what will you do if it doesn't work out?
Will: Me? Oh, I'm not sure. Move somewhere where it is legal, I guess. Djaq has a friend of her uncle's that has a full wood plantation near where the king is fighting. So we could move there, live out the rest of our lives in peace.
Dr. Limb: Well, you still have a long way to go, but it does sound like you are making some progress. I'm afraid that our time for this session is over, but you are more than welcome to return next week. Remember; you control wood, wood doesn't control you.
The End