Hi, all! This is my second fic here, though I've basically given up on the first. This is Mario as you've never seen him before. This is Mario, through a mirror, darkly. A dirty, broken mirror. With blood smeared on it. Mario written with the tone of a Diablo game. Mario if Nintendo ever lost their minds and decided to do a grim and gritty reboot of the franchise. This is what would happen if Shigeru Miyamoto got drunk, high, or both and collaborated with Ashtareth, the demon goddess of Canaan.
Anyways. Please read and review, and remember, the whole point of this thing is that it's a joke, made all the more hilarious because it's told with an entirely straight face. Yes, this is unholy blasphemy against everything that Mario is supposed to represent, a childhood raping mirror story of the Mushroom Kingdom. That's the point.
And in case it's not obvious by now, rated M for all kinds of nastiness.
Also, it should be noted that this is kicking the continuity all the way back to the initial kidnapping of Princess Peach Toadstool, so, basically, retelling the story of the original Super Mario Bros.
Also, also, for legal purposes I must point out that I am secretly Shigeru Miyamoto and that therefore I do, in fact, hold copyright to all the names mentioned in this fanfic, including Mario, Luigi, Peach, Bowser, Brooklyn, the twelve apostles, and Kung Fu. And while I'm at it, I have some stock in Enron I'd like to sell you.
Massive steel doors flung open and a Koopa Paratroopa sprinted in, breathless. "Lord Bowser!" he said, addressing the massive Koopa King, who stood over a table atop which was sprawled a map of the Mushroom Kingdom. Several flags on the map, each representing a battalion of the various factions now spread throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. In the Rebel Alliance, there were the united nations of the Koopa Kingdom, the Goomba Republic, the Underwater Kingdom, and the Piranha Plants, whose usually peaceful coexistence with one another and the world around them had, for aeons, rendered any kind of government unnecessary. They had no state of their own, but being independent from other members of the Alliance, they were led independently.
Clustered primarily around the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mushroom Castle and the surrounding city, were a few flags representing the forces of the hated Toadstool Army. Staffed entirely with the so-called "master race," the Toads, the Toadstool Army was now finally on its last legs. Several dozen battalions still waited behind the Toadstool lines, slowly making their way to the battlefield according to Bowser's spies, but the now massive Alliance could force their surrender if they could capture the royal family.
Gathered around the table was not only Bowser, but generals from the various nations, even the Piranha Plants, whose strange, rustling language had to be translated by a linguistically talented Goomba. Special commanders of Bowser's special forces, the winged Paratroopas, the aptly named Spinies, the cloud-riding Lakitu, the elite Hammer Brothers, and the fireproofed Buzzy Beetles, rounded out the war council.
"What news?" Bowser asked. With luck, the Mushroom King had been captured in the field and they would not have to risk a costly assault on the Castle.
"It's the Mushroom King, Lord Bowser," the Koopa said.
"Have we captured him?" Bowser asked, allowing a glimmer of hope to break through the dark, cynical cloud that had fallen over his mind ever since the Mushroom Kingdom had subjected the Koopa Kingdom to their iron-fisted rule.
"No, sir, he's...He's died in the field of battle," the Koopa said.
Bowser closed his eyes solemnly. The current Mushroom King had taken over rulership of the Kingdom after the last one had been assassinated by Kamek, five years ago and ten years after the occupation of the Koopa Kingdom. Bowser had been enraged and terrified when he'd found out. He was king-in-exile, then, hiding from the Toadstool Army, and Kamek had been his regent, taking care of nearly all state affairs. Bowser refused to allow him to make a move against the Toadstool royalty, however, fearing that an assassination would only cause chaos and retribution. When Kamek assassinated the old Mushroom King without Bowser's permission, Bowser banished him from the exiled court.
Since then, the new Mushroom King had attempted to make peace with the rebels in the Koopa Kingdom, but also increased taxes in order to raise a more powerful army, fearing another assassination or even open rebellion. Seeing his people suffering even more, Bowser made a desperate gamble and struck at the Toadstool Army before it could grow even larger. And, amazingly, Bowser's gamble had paid off. Perhaps due to Bowser's military genius, perhaps because of the reluctance of the Toadstool Army to fight on foreign soil as Bowser liberated one conquered nation after another, or perhaps due to the hand of a sympathetic god, the Koopa Kingdom left the Toadstool Army in shambled and chased them into their own land.
Bowser knew that if he captured the current Mushroom King, he'd be able to make a deal. The Mushroom Kingdom's heartlands would not be invaded, not touched by the twin scourges of war and poverty that they had inflicted on so many others, and in exchange the Mushroom King would demilitarize his nation so that they would never be a threat to anyone ever again. The new Mushroom King had never wanted war in the first place, and would surely be quick to agree to Bowser's terms.
If he weren't dead, that is. Killed in battle, fighting boldly on the front lines. Truly, he was a worthy foe, thought Bowser, and perhaps the Koopa and Mushroom Kingdoms could have prospered together had he survived. "We must initiate Operation Valkyrie," Bowser said finally.
"Lord Bowser, I thought we agreed that was to be a last resort!" the Lakitu Commander said.
"My men will gladly take this risk if it means ending this war," the Paratroopa Commander said.
"We have little choice," Bowser said, "If we wait until after the battle outside the city is concluded, they will reinforce the Castle more heavily, which means a stealth operation will be out of the question. Our only chance is to act now, or else lose the opportunity forever and continue fighting this war for another year yet." There was silence for a few moments. "Send the orders," Bowser said to the Paratroopa Commander.
"Yes, Lord Bowser," he said, immediately running off to send the orders. Meanwhile, the rest of the council turned back to discussing the strategy of the main battle.
"Orders from HQ!" Simon the Paratroopa said, flying into the small, secluded camp where Koopa Air Patrol 12 was stationed, deep behind Toadstool lines. The other Paratroopas in Patrol 12 looked up from their various tasks, some of them cooking dinner, others fletching arrows or sharpening swords, a few just playing cards.
"Let me see them," Peter said, walking over to Simon and putting a hand out. Simon handed the orders off, and Peter scanned them carefully. "Operation Valkyrie is go," Peter said, "We leave at sunset."
"Called it!" Philip said to Matthias, "You owe me a coin."
"I'm cleaned out," Matthias said, "I'll pay you after the operation, how's that?"
"Ha," Philip said, "You'd better, we had a deal!"
"I give my word," Matthias said, "I'll pay you the day we complete the operation."
"You know he's telling the truth," Andrew said, "Matthias never lies."
"No kidding," Simon said, "It's like a disorder or something..."
"Quiet!" Peter said, "We're about to embark upon the most dangerous and most crucial operation of the entire war, an operation whose importance cannot be overstated. If we fail, thousands more will die in this war. If we succeed, those thousands will get to go home, and so will we. We all know the plan. Make yourselves ready, the sun will set in just a few hours."
Isaac was already bored, and his shift had just begun. He didn't like being assigned to the night watch on Mushroom Castle, but he didn't have much choice, the way the Toadstool Army was run these days. The Army was in its first state of emergency in centuries, and even the home guard were running under martial law. These were dark times.
As he trudged past one of the windows, he stole a look inside. A pair of Toad guards were talking to one another in the corner, and one of them was reading a book at one of the tables. Isaac sighed and kept walking. He'd be off duty in another few hours, then he could go home and relax. Be with his wife and newborn child some more. When they'd had the kid, the rebellion in the Koopa Province had just been distant rumors of war. They'd never imagined that the Mushroom Kingdom itself would be invaded. Now, in just a few weeks, the battle might reach the castle, and then it might be that his precious little girl would be without a father while just an infant.
Isaac didn't like thinking like that. Maybe the war would end before it could get that far. He knew both sides were sick of fighting. Maybe there was a chance for peace. According to Toadstool propaganda, Bowser was a war-mongering megalomaniac, but he'd heard the Koopa King could be reasonable enough. Maybe it was true, and if it was, maybe there'd be peace.
A moment later, an arrow shaft thudded into Isaac's neck, and he gurgled helplessly as blood filled up his throat. Shock set in first, followed immediately after by horror for the fate of his family, and then oblivion. A moment later, Matthias landed on the wall, crouching low to avoid detection from any of the nearby sentries. He glanced down at the Toad corpse at his feet, whose blood-flecked face still held open horrified eyes, empty of life. Matthias knelt down and closed the Toad's eyes, saying a quick prayer. Perhaps after today, the killing would finally end.
The other three members of the vanguard eliminated their Toads and touched down on the ramparts of the Castle, glancing around quickly to make sure no more guards approached. Safe, they signaled to the other eight Paratroopas of the Patrol, who quickly and quietly flew to meet them from their hiding place in the nearby hills.
The twelve of them regrouped on the roof, staying low. Peter stole a quick glance inside the window and saw the Toads inside. "Three of them in the window," he whispered to Matthias, who was next to him. Matthias whispered it to Philip, who whispered it to Bartholomew, and so on down the line until the message had been passed on.
They all knew what was coming now. There was only one way into the Castle from the roof. It was time to abandon the stealth part of the operation. Peter smashed through the window and dove through, drawing his sword and running the first Toad through as he rolled to his feet. The second's jugular was slashed open before he could even draw his sword, and by the time the third, the one reading the book in the corner, had armed himself, there were already three Koopas in the tower.
The Toad gripped his scimitar, took a deep breath, and held his ground. Amazing, Peter thought to himself, This Toad is willing to give his life against insurmountable odds just to defend this Castle...He really does think he'd doing the right thing. The shouted out "For the King!" and attacked. Heavily outnumbered, he was cut to pieces in seconds, but his battlecry had drawn the attention of more Toads.
As the Koopas spilled into the hallway, Toads rushed to stop them from both sides, and a bloody melee began. "Matthias, take Beta Team down your corridor, I'll take this one!" Peter shouted, "We'll meet up again on the main keep!"
"Right!" Matthias shouted, lifting his sword up and charging down the hallway to do battle with the Toads. While Matthias and his crew struggled to break through, Peter found himself horribly outmatched. Spotting a nearby door, he forced the Toad back and flung the door open, standing beside it and fending off the Toads while the rest of his team ran in. After they were in, John, the best swordsman in the Patrol, joined him at the door.
The other four Paratroopas looked around the room and found it was a dead end, no way out, with nothing but a few tables scattered around. "Hang on," Bartholomew said, "I've got a plan."
Meanwhile, Matthias' team burst through the doors leading out to the balcony, cutting down the two surprised guards standing at the other side. They wasted no time, sprinting towards the balcony and jumping off and into the air, leaving the Toads behind. They barely had time to sigh in relief at having escaped the tower before Toad archers in the courtyard below and stationed on the roof of the main castle building began to fire on them. Immediately, they broke formation and began to dodge and weave around the arrows, pulling out their own bows to return fire.
Thaddeus was hit by an arrow in the wing, screaming in pain and panic as he spiraled down towards the ground, where he was immediately overwhelmed and dispatched by the Toad soldiers down below. The rest were forced to fly on without him. As they drew near the rooftop of the keep, the air became thick with arrows flying in both directions. Many of the Toads atop the Castle were dead or injured, but those who remained were now close enough to hit with much more lethal accuracy. James Alphaeus, the best of their flyers and well in front of the rest of them, was struck in the throat by an arrow and fell to the Castle roof, sliding off it and down into the moat below.
Matthias touched down on the castle rooftop a moment later, cutting down a Toad as he landed and running up to the next to do the same. This Toad dropped his bow and pulled out a scimitar to fight him, and several nearby Toads joined in. Before they could kill Matthias by sheer weight of numbers, however, Thomas, Simon, and Matthew landed and began fighting, splitting the Toads up between them.
While the battle raged on the rooftop, Peter and John continued to hold the door against the Toad onslaught. "One more time," Bartholomew said, holding one of the tables with the help of the other three Paratroopas, "It'll give on this one. Go!" The four of them rammed the table into the buckling wall opposite the door, and it gave way, spilling debris into the hallway just outside.
"Excellent!" Peter said, turning and running with John and the others out into the hallway, which was clear of Toads. They ran out onto the balcony, where there were still a few guards. "No time!" Peter shouted as the sound of pursuing Toads behind them grew louder, "Just fly!" The six of them sprinted past the Toads, flailing their swords wildly in an attempt to discourage the Toads from attacking. Bartholomew went down from a wound to his leg from a Toad who'd ducked under Bartholomew's sword, and was quickly surrounded by the Toads.
"Bartholomew!" Andrew shouted, turning to go back for him.
"No!" James Zebedee said, grabbing Andrew and dragging him away. A moment later, Bartholomew was cut to pieces. "Fly!" James shouted, and he and Andrew jumped off the balcony, flying out over the courtyard, where a few stray archers still fired at them from below. In the distance, they could see Matthias and the others finishing off the Toads on the roof and breaking through a window, climbing inside the Castle itself.
The corridors here were wide enough for two Koopas to lead the charge, and Thomas and Matthias led the way, cutting down the few Toads who had arrived to contain the assault. They rounded a corner and found a large door, opened it up and began running down before more Toad reinforcements could arrive. Red carpeted stairs stretched down before them, spiraling downwards, and they immediately began running down.
A few minutes later, Matthias halted them. "Check around the bend upstairs!" he said. Matthew nodded and ran around the bend.
A few minutes later he came back, shocked. "The door is still up there!" he said.
"Pull the other one," Simon said.
"Go check yourself, idiot," Matthew shot back.
"Quiet," Matthias said, "This is the endless stair. We'd been led to believe it was just a rumor by our spies, but clearly this isn't the case. We'll have to...Wait..." Matthias stopped talking and strained his ears.
"What is it?" Simon asked.
"Shh!" Matthias said. A few moments later, they all heard it, too. Voices, coming up the stairs.
"I want to go back to sleep, Toadsworth!" a high pitched voice demanded, "The war's supposed to be weeks away from here."
"It's called a night raid, Princess," an older, more frustrated voice said in return, "They're almost certainly here to kill you...Or worse! We must get you away immediately!"
"Isn't that why we have a castle full of guards?" the Princess asked. Toadsworth began to respond, but was cut off by the sudden ambush of Matthias and his squad, as they quickly dispatched the two Toads in lead, who were caught off guard, blood spilling from their slit jugulars as they slumped to the ground. The next two Toads, the only people between Matthias and the Princess, readied their scimitars and charged into battle, while Toadsworth grabbed the stunned Princess' thirteen year old body by the arm and began pulling her back down the stairs.
The four Toads in the rear stepped cautiously through the door to the first floor of the Castle, fearing another ambush, but the first floor remained dark and deserted, but for the Princess, Toadsworth, the four guards at the top, and two guards at the door, whose halberds were lowered, ready for a squad of Paratroopas to burst through the main doors at any moment.
"We'll have to smuggle you out through one of the warp pipes in the cellars," Toadsworth said to the speechless Princess as they and the four Toad guards walked down the main staircase leading to the main floor, "We'll hide you in Toad Town until the end of the raid, but we must hurry!"
Just as they reached the bottom of the stairs, the stained glass window depicting King Toadstool IV shattered and five Paratroopas flew in through the hole. James Zebedee, the first one in, staggered on landing, his wings shredded from the shattered glass. The four Toads moved to finish him before he could recover, but before they could reach him, Philip and John landed in front of him, fighting off the guards while Peter and Andrew touched down and immediately headed for the Princess.
Toadsworth threw himself in front of her. Peter, seeing he was completely unarmed, simply kicked him out of the way, sending him flying to the ground, dazed and confused. The Princess remained motionless, staring in awe and terror at the Toad-slaying monster that towered over her. Peter raised his sword high, and for a moment the Princess thought she might die, but then the pommel of the sword came crashing down on her head, knocking her unconscious. Peter caught her before she could hit the ground and flung her over his shoulder.
"Let's get out of here!" Peter shouted to the other four, who were engaged in vicious combat with Peach's elite Toad guards. John pulled a grappling hook from his belt and swung it up to the shattered window above while Andrew and Philip held back the guards. Peter passed the Princess on to Andrew, who climbed up the rope and flew out into the night sky. "James, tell Matthias and the others it's time to leave!" Peter said as James climbed up the rope. He nodded his acknowledgment just before disappearing over the top of the wall. "Your turn, Philip," Peter said. Philip turned to leave, but as he did so, an arrow struck him in the back of his head. He fell to the floor, limp.
Standing at the top of the staircase was Toad. The Toad, Princess Peach Toadstool's personal adviser and bodyguard. The most powerful soldier in the entire Mushroom Kingdom, possibly the entire world. Peter grabbed the rope, ready to climb out, but a second arrow severed it. Peter tried the doors, and found them to be locked. He turned to face the four guards, readying his sword. "Finish him," Toad said. The four guards charged.
Peter's sword flew through the air, parrying the four scimitars aimed at his vitals. Recovering balance quickly, he sliced through one of the guard's stomachs, spilling his intestines onto the floor. The other three guards began to maneuver around him, trying to outflank him, so Peter feinted towards one of them, aiming another deadly blow at his stomach only to pull away at the last second and cut his jugular.
The other two guards attacked while Peter was still off-balance, so he stepped back out of the way, one of the swords clanging uselessly off of his durable red shell, leaving nothing but the faintest of scratches. The last two pressed the attack, and Peter ducked under their swords and cleaved through them both. He stood solemnly and turned to face Toad, who clapped slowly with a smirk on his face as his comrades writhed in dying agony on the ground. Peter stabbed his sword into their throats one by one, mercifully ending their suffering.
Toad strode down the stairs slowly, smiling and drawing his own scimitar. "Well, well, well," he said, "You must be Peter, the Red Death. I've heard about you and your squad. I must say I'm terribly pleased with myself to have ended one of them." Peter responded only with a steely glare.
Meanwhile, James Zebedee climbed through the shattered window on the upper stories, walking in on a massive fight between Matthias' squad and the Toadstool guards. "Matthias, we've got the Princess, it's time to leave!" James shouted.
"Behind you!" Matthias shouted back, but too late. Just as James turned around, his sword half-raised to defend himself, one of the Toad's scimitars cut his throat. Matthias charged the Toad and, batting his sword away, cleaved his head from his shoulders without pausing. As he neared the broken window, he jumped into the air and began to fly away, his squad not far behind.
Outside, Andrew and John were flying into the distance, the Toad archers down below not daring to shoot at him for fear of hitting their Princess. All he had to do was stop himself from being followed. The four remaining Paratroopas in Matthias' squad met up with Andrew in mid-air, the arrows of the Toads ceasing as they neared the Princess. As planned, they flew in a tight circle until the only way the Toads could tell them apart was that one of them was carrying the Princess. Suddenly, John, Matthias, and his squad each broke a small orb they'd pulled from inside their shell, given them by the Magikoopas before they'd left the main camp, many weeks ago. Suddenly, each of them had an illusionary Princess in their arms. The six of them split up, each leaving in different directions, the Toads panicking as they realized they'd be unable to follow six different flying targets.
Meanwhile, Peter and Toad were engaged in vicious battle with one another, their swords moving faster than the eye could keep up, each one relying on reflexes to keep them alive. Suddenly, the brilliant display of swordplay stopped, and they both took a step back to rest. Peter clutched at a small wound just inside his shell where Toad had wormed his sword in. It wasn't at all lethal, but it was sapping Peter's energy. Peter knew he wasn't going to win this fight.
Howling a war cry, he charged towards Toad and leaped into the air, swinging his sword wildly. Toad blocked the blow and then pushed Peter away so hard that it sent him flying into the air. This was just as Peter planned. He extended his wings to their full length and used the air Toad had given him to fly out the window, away from the Castle, to safety. The Toads in the courtyard, on the walls, and in Toad Town fired their arrows at him, but as he soared higher and higher into the night, he became more and more difficult to hit, until finally he was out of range completely.