A/N: This is the rough summary of what would make this series enjoyable for me. I went a little overboard in some areas, but it made me laugh - and laughing is good, right?

I don't like to spend time writing FanFictions, so this is somewhat rushed. No matter. It works with how the actual books are.

I poke a lot of fun at the series. It may not be the most well-written thing you'll read on here, but I do hope it'll make you chuckle at least once. My job will be done. :)

Seven out!

...

"Do they have people in Africa?" Gazzy asked in excitement as we streaked across the sky. "Or is it just animals?"

"Eh, they're all the same," Iggy replied, a grin spreading across his face. "The question is, do they have any bird kids in Africa?"

I glanced at Fang quickly. He noticed instantly, a small spark igniting in his dark eyes.

Dang it.

I turned my face away to hide the blush creeping to my cheeks, but I knew that he had seen my embarrassment, so plain and clear.

I choose you, Max.

The words, still fresh in my mind, made my heart tingle with excitement. I could just see it; the thrill of sitting on his shoulders, in his backpack, even on his head. I was his favorite, a pokemon of the rare avian-chicken-children variety.

I was a Maxgull.

"Max," Angel piqued, "There's something bad in the air, and it's coming for us."

I shrugged. "That's just the Global Warming, sweetie. Even though almost all of the destruction of the ozone layer comes from water vapor, we have to use pollution and trash as an excuse to allow more governmental intervention on the lives of the wingless. Oh, and to save everyone from evil scientists who want to kill us."

"And Gazzy's…uh, stench!" Nudge groaned. I soon joined in. The entire flock plummeted several feet in unison to dodge the smell. "Can we make saving ourselves from that a top priority?"

"Indeed, my dear! There's no time to waste! Clear the air, fumigate the premises!" Total insisted from Fang's backpack. Fang stifled his Fang-like grin - which didn't really look like anything impressive to anyone else - but to me, it was wonderful. As was everything, from his dandruff to his toenails. But tell him I said that and I'll bash your skull in.

I couldn't help but glower. If Fang chose me, then why was Total the one on his back? Suddenly, I felt a surge of jealousy. Total was nobody. He wasn't even a redhead! So what the heck did Total have that I didn't?

"Well, he has a tail—"

"Angel," I interrupted quickly, my fists clenched tightly as I shot her a dark look. Sometimes her mind reading abilities made me want to chuck her off a cliff - while her wings were bound, of course.

I took a deep breath, hoping that Fang wasn't watching too closely.

"Do you see that puddle?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to go down there and see if you can get any fish to keel over. We're all getting hungry. Can you do that?"

She nodded, then fell out of formation. It took everything that I had not to sigh with relief. Or laugh as she stared at the puddle, realization spreading over her criminally innocent face.

I'll admit it - revenge is sweet.

…

Later that night, we made our way down to a safe looking location under some bushes. After some exploring, Angel found some safe berries to eat. Fang, unsatisfied, quickly spied a rat, which he promptly speared and roasted. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he ate, and my heart pounded erratically. His fearlessness of disease and plague impressed and charmed me. Not that I'd ever tell him. I'd have to spear him to death to redeem my pride.

I started to worry about Angel, so I joined her to make sure she was safe. I still felt a little bad about the puddle trick. As the flock leader, I had set a bad example.

She turned to me, her face bright and innocent as always.

"Oh, by the way – Fang is gonna die."

…

"I have an expiration date. I'm no better off than a can of Campell's Chicken Noodle soup," Fang groaned angrily, flashing the branding at me. He chuckled bitterly. "Could it get any worse?"

Well, it did.

Nudge shrieked a word from the distance that I never wanted to hear again.

Erasers.

"I've got you!" I yelled as I ran towards the rest of the flock. Right away, I knew that everything had gone horribly wrong. Gazzy and Nudge were sprawled limply on the ground, and Iggy and Angel were bound and gagged.

I gasped as something slammed into my arm. Fang winced at my side.

Tranquilizer darts.

I forced my way over to my fallen flock, but my vision began to blur. I fell to the ground, and I was out like a light.

When I woke up, we were all together in a bright white room. Animal cages lined the walls.

Uh-oh.

…

A few days later

The Flock is at the house of the multi-millionare scientist, who they call "the Professor." They have their own rooms, but they are still on their guard, as they are being held against their will. Sound somewhat familiar? Yeah, it's because something like this happens in every book. Figured I'd spare you the details…

The Professor called me into the room. I entered quickly, muscles tensed and ready for a fight.

"Max, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

A boy my age stepped out from behind the corner. His milky blonde hair swept across his face lightly, his dark brown eyes staring back at mine curiously in the early morning light. I couldn't help but stare. He was a little too good-looking – beautiful, almost. And it didn't make him any less masculine.

That's when I noticed the wings.

I staggered backwards, my eyes glued to his massive, cream colored feathers. With brown tips.

They looked exactly like mine.

"This, young one, is Dylan. You may have noticed that he resembles you greatly. This is because he is your perfect half. You will both save the world. And if you don't, Al Gore will be forced to go into Phase Two of Operation Manbearpig."

Before I could ask, he pointed to a large drawing on the wall detailing the hairy beast.

"Manbearpig is half man, half bear, and half pig. He will be the biggest threat to humanity yet. He's the backup plan if the Global Warming fallacy falls through."

He turned to me, expectation filling his aged face.

"Save Global Warming, Max. Don't let falsified data slow you down."

Listen to him, Max, The Voice added calmly. And follow your heart. Just don't eat those cookies.

The voice in my head spoke well. The Professor grabbed a closed tin of cookies from his desk and held it out to me. My stomach growled. I thought of Dr. Martinez' chocolate chip cookies, and my mouth watered. But I knew better than to eat food prepared by strangers, especially evil scientists.

"Take the cookies. You and Dylan may go…bond now."

I accepted them cautiously. After he left, I opened the box and dropped it, then rolled for cover, wrapping my wings around my body as protection. To my surprise, it didn't explode like I had anticipated. It was a bit of a letdown.

"Those aren't cookies," the boy named Dylan mumbled. I raised my head and glanced at the spilled contents, and recognized them from TV ads.

Oh boy.

"No way in hell," I yelled as I stepped over the condoms scattered across the floor. I raced for the closest door. Dylan darted for the other.

I felt slightly offended. He was making like a bat out of hell. What was that all about?

"Am I ugly or something?" I growled menacingly, stopping mid-turn. "You'd think I was Godzilla in a thong judging by how fast you're running." He flushed.

"It's…well, there's somebody else," he gasped, stepping backwards. "I'm sorry."

My eyes slatted in some semblance of aggressive forgiveness. "Yeah, same for me too, twinny boy. Let me guess, black haired chick?"

He mumbled something quietly and slipped through the door. I waited a few long minutes, then snuck over and pocketed a condom.

Might need that later.

…

Tonight was the night. I could feel it. The contraceptive device felt like a heavy weight in my pocket, but I ignored it. Fang would understand. If he was going to die, we had to get some things taken care of beforehand.

I slipped out of my room and gently knocked on his door, my nerves bubbling to an all-time high. What if he was offended? Too scared? Or what if…What if he was already dead?

I opened the door, my mind clouded from my pointless worrying. To my surprise, he wasn't awake at his desk like I had visualized. It put a damper in my sexy plan.

I glanced at his bed, only to see Fang and Dylan snuggled together, shirtless and sporting severely tousled sex hair.

The room began to spin.

"Max?" Fang moaned as he squinted up at me. His eyes grew wide. "Max, it's not what you think!"

He threw himself out of bed blindly, Dylan's hand falling limply out of Fang's boxer shorts in the process.

Without thinking, I slapped him full on across the face, sending him reeling to the ground.

"My perfect half? You're sleeping with my perfect, male half?" I hissed. Dylan blinked, waking up in the knick of time as I launched myself on him and slammed his head into the wall. He yowled.

"Black haired chick, eh? He's my boyfriend, you lab rat freak!" I snarled, my face inches from his. I pushed him to the ground callously. "You unbelievable piece of scum!"

I quickly made my way over to Fang. The dark "00:56" expiration branding glared back at me angrily.

"So you decided to spend your last hour on this Earth with him. Not the flock, not your girlfriend, but him," I muttered savagely. His eyes began to water. "I loved you, Fang. I don't think I do anymore."

I flung myself out the door before he could see the tears streaming down my face.

…

"Max, are you ok?"

It was Iggy from outside my door.

"Come in a second," I mumbled quietly. He wouldn't be able to see how red my eyes were, so I had nothing to worry about.

The door opened with a small click. Iggy groped his way around the room until he found the edge of my bed, which he lowered himself on slowly. He scooted closer to me, then found my hand and held it. It felt awkward and out of place, but I held my tongue. Who was I to judge?

"I'm sorry about Fang."

My stomach dropped. How the heck could he have known? I had cried quietly, and Iggy's room wasn't anywhere near Fang's. I blushed furiously, curses running rampant through my mind.

"He's always been that way. You don't have any idea how many times he's tried to seduce me, do you?" he began solemnly. My throat went dry. So damn weak. "Well, it's up there."

He paused uncomfortably.

"I started hearing weird noises a few weeks ago, before you even met Dylan. I wasn't sure, so I didn't say anything. I'm so sorry, Max."

Iggy's hand tightened around mine. His warm, lovely hand. I found myself staring at him. I had never appreciated the piercing blueness of his eyes, the fiery hue of his strawberry blonde hair…

"Iggy, it's ok. I think I've just realized something…"

"Yeah?"

I pulled myself up and wrapped my arms around him awkwardly, then kissed him deeply. Ah. So much better than Fang. And deep inside, I had known it all along. It had just taken a gay boyfriend and a good cry to realize it.

Iggy's lips were stiff under mine. Without warning, he pushed me away, his eyes wide and unbelieving. He was still clutching my hand. My stomach tightened. If he was rejecting me…

"Max…"

His eyes wandered across the room wildly. A few long seconds later, he broke out into an ecstatic grin.

"I can sort of see things now! Like, literally see things!"

He fell silent, then looked in my direction slowly.

"Kiss me again."

I raised my lips to his without hesitation. He responded this time, and my heart raced. It was over too soon; with another yelp of joy, he announced that his sight had increased in clarity.

Half an hour later, considerable progress had been made. He could start to discern colors, and he could even tell that my underwear were pink.

But it wasn't enough.

"I have a theory," he whispered as we separated again. He fished into my pocket. "And this feels blue, am I right?…"

…

Five Minutes Later

"The condom broke?"

"Yup."

…

Ten Minutes later

"Well, can you at least see now?"

"Yeah. I've been able to since we did it the first time."

"So the second time was…?"

"Yeah, just me being a dirty boy. By the way, nice hair."

The Next Day

"I told you Fang was going to die!" Angel smiled at me. "I'm always right. I should be the leader."

I clenched my fists again. I still felt horrible about Fang, and it angered me that she brought it up when my heart was still hurting. And a seven year old running the flock? No way, sister.

I also continued to feel strange, even after taking the emergency birth control pill the Professor left on my bed. I felt stupid for taking it, but I was desperate.

Hopefully I wouldn't drop dead.

"Oh, and Max? I think I have a new power."

I groaned internally. As if things weren't bad enough already…

I could feel my leadership status slipping away already. How many powers does a freaking seven year old bird kid need?

"I think…I can see illness. And, uhm, Fang seemed a little sick…before he died. I could sense it. Plus, he kept making funny faces all the time like he was in pain."

I suppressed a snicker. Angel's new "power"? Sensing STD's.

"Well, don't use that one too much, ok? You might find out things that will scare you, and no one likes to be scared."

She nodded.

"Oh, and by the way – you're pregnant. It's a boy. Can you name him Figgy?"

…

"Iggy, I need to talk to you."

He remained silent, failing to glance up from the thick book shoved up to his nose.

"Angel told me some bad news, and I think it's true."

I swallowed the lump in my throat quickly. He glanced up at me suddenly, alarm covering his face.

"Iggy, the Professor gave me a placebo pill. It wasn't a Plan B after all. I'm…well, I'm pregnant."

"You're PREGNANT?!" Gazzy screamed from under Iggy's bed. "GUYS, MAX IS PREGGIE, MAX IS PREGGIE!"

"Max is WHAAAAT?" Nudge screamed from across the hall.

"MAX IS A MOMMY AND IGGY IS A DADDY!" Angel shrieked from her room.

"TEENAGERS AND THEIR STUPIDITY!" Total cried angrily. "YOUNG MAN, I OUGHT TO BITE OFF YOUR—"

I pushed Gazzy out and shut the door, mortified. Iggy remained silent.

"I can't hear anything," he said with difficulty. "Did somebody say something?"

Shit.

…

Ten Minutes Later

"Can you hear me now?"

"Yeah."

"So we're all back to normal?"

"Not quite."

Iggy ran his hands down his naked chest.

"I can't feel this."

I socked him in the back.

"Feel that?"

He gazed at me blankly.

"Feel what?"

…

Twenty Minutes Later

"Great. Now you can't talk," I groaned as Iggy pointed at his throat in panic. I considered for a moment. "You know, I think I'll keep it this way…"

Iggy mouthed at me soundlessly as I reached for my clothes. I glanced at him and smiled.

"Looks like someone's come down with laryngitis. Cough cough."

He pointed at me and grimaced, his eyes wide and pleading. I glanced down.

My stomach had swelled three times its normal size.

…

It was nice to be home. We escaped the Professor's clutches, killed some mutants, and flew back to Colorado. I won't bore you with the details. It's the same old, same old. We even saved the world. All that done by a pregnant mutant bird kid, mind you.

It was also nice to see Mom and Ella. They had decorated the house in green to celebrate us saving the world from certain destruction. A framed, signed picture of Al Gore sat on the mantle. Quaint.

When I told Mom about Fang, she cried. When I told her I was pregnant, she cried harder.

"Well, he'll always live on through your baby, Max. "

I figured it best to not mention who the father really was. And I could always dye their hair black and she'd never be the wiser…

…

When Ella caught me and Iggy making out on my bed, she wasn't too thrilled. In fact, she decided to hurl a full glass of water – cup and all – at my face.

"Jerk," she growled as I swatted the cup onto the floor. "I liked him first!"

I grinned. I was emotionally unstable from being pregnant, so I didn't think twice about snapping back at my long-lost half sister.

"Hold the phones, Veronica. Betty's got Archiekins," I laughed sarcastically. "But there's always little Moosey looking for a Midge."

I could just see it. Gazzy and Ella would make a cute couple in their late teenage years.

But back off. The Igster is mine.

"I'm going to tell Mom– oh my gosh, are you pregnant?" she asked, staring at my protruding stomach. I raised my eyebrows and giggled.

Ella burst into tears.

"So what's for dinner?" I asked sweetly.

Her eyes narrowed.

"I'm thinking eggs."

…

"Damn it Iggy, watch Figgy while I change Ariella!" I pleaded as I scooped up our youngest chicken child and placed her on the table. The other four were running around at my feet, their wings smacking hard against my legs.

I stepped back as I opened the diaper. My nose crinkled in defense. Yowzers.

"Good thing I have no sense of smell," Iggy teased as he rested Figgy on his lap. "I'll let you know when I'm ready to get it back, of course. I'm thinking in a couple of minutes, actually."

"What, so we can have another one?" I snapped. We had finally figured out why they made Iggy differently – to give him motivation to repopulate. It seemed that he was the most successful of us experiments, and therefore was chosen to be the father to all future avian Americans. Contraceptives were useless against his weapon.

And me? Well, they gave me a fast-acting reproductive system. Someone's got to churn out those babies, right?

"Mommy, can I have a Snickers bar?" Nudgzy pleaded, pulling on my pants frantically. The others chimed in.

"Snickers bar! Snickers bar!"

Iggy licked his lips.

"This is killing me, Max. Seriously. Snickers bars. Do you not realize how good those are?"

I groaned.

"Alright, you win. I'll go get Nudge to watch the kids."

He held up a hand.

"Hold on, gotta go put white sheets on the bed. Sightlessness is next in rotation, and I don't want to miss anything."

Oh, brother.

…

"Abstinence before marriage, Max. I, a mangy mutt, have showed you up big time," Total scolded, his little four-inch tie dragging dangerously close to the ground. "But that is all about to change."

I shuddered at the mental image.

Total walked away and joined his bride, Akila, at the center of the living room. I rounded up the six kids and sat them into chairs, hoping that none of them would spontaneously fly into the ceiling or have explosive diarrhea.

"The sky is falling!" Angel screamed suddenly. But it was too late.

As Total and Akila kissed, the roof buckled. I grabbed the kids and ducked for cover as furniture fell to the ground, smashed into dangerously sharp pieces.

The ceiling fan fell on Angel and killed her on impact.

Dylan stepped through the rubble, holding…

Roses?

"Nudge," he called out. "I love you."

She giggled from the rubble, then pulled herself up and ran for him.

"Ohmygosh, I love you too, Dylan!" she gushed as she threw her arms around him. "I knew it, I knewww it!"

He bent down to kiss her, but gagged her instead, then hoisted her over his shoulder.

"So long, suckers. Professor needs another experimental subject, and Nudgie here will be perfect."

With that, he flew off into the distance. I nearly flew after him out of habit, but one of the kids decided to let 'er rip. Right…

"Iggy, watch the kids," I commanded. "I'm going after Nudge."

He groaned.

"I'm blind again, remember?"

Save Nudge, the Voice said. And save the world.

To not be continued…