band aids don't fix bullet holes
serena + blair
- — -
early season one, "baby, now we got bad blood, you know it used to be mad love"
- x - x -
It feels as if a rusty nail has been thrust inside the flesh of her skin, it's being twisted around and around, again and again.
Golden hair, long and silky and smooth. Legs that go on for miles, flat stomach, tall and skinny, tall and skinny; all the things that Blair isn't. Standing right up in front of him, and she leans down ever so slowly, tauntingly, teasingly - this is just a game to her. Of all the boys she could have, this one is the hardest to get, (even if she's always had him, too).
How do you describe betrayal? Because suddenly Blair is at a lost for words and she can usually whip up a witty, bitchy sentence to make you either applause or cower back in fear; sometimes both.
Hands cup his face, her lips running across his. Innocently at first, tempting and teasing, sexual and sensual. It tastes like the cherry lipgloss that had been lying on her vanity earlier in the day, it now lies long forgotten. Her leg runs up against his. Head tilting back, and she's far more experienced than his girlfriend is. Much more eager to do this, much more confident.
Her head hits the back of her wall but the sting of the hard material that comes into contact with her back is nowhere near the same as the sting that is now plaguing her whole body after finding out the most devastating news of her life so far. Images keep running in her mind of a scene she hasn't seen but one she's able to conjure up images of all too easily, much too vividly.
Lolling her head around, she spots the door of her bathroom closed firmly but she can see the inside all too well. Knows where everything is placed, most importantly the toilet bowl where she's spent one too many nights hunched over - except, she's over that and she's been so good for so long.
Hands fall down to cradle her stomach. Her head hurts, like it's spinning around the room, like a hammer is being pressed against it ever so softly and then slammed straight back into it. Throat is clogged up, she can hardly breathe and the tears don't seem to cease, they're falling out of her eyes like a flood that just won't give up.
Her whole body burns, and burns, and burns, and burns. Her mind is racing, because how, why, when, how, how, how? If her glorious gorgeous other worldly best friend hadn't already hurt her enough … well, this was the final nail in the coffin. Blair wants to laugh and puke at the same time, because how stupid could she be? She thought she had been one of the lucky ones, able to find a best friend in a world where your friends are just girls you've grown up with who are good for gossiping and fashion advice. Here she was thinking she had found a sister amongst fakes but all she had found was a backstabbing bitch.
The worst bit is that she doesn't even feel angry, not yet — she knows that it will come later. She just feels tired, and sad and small. Like she means nothing to anyone. All of a sudden she's ten years old again and none of the other girls on the playground want to play with her because she's too controlling, too bossy. It's like she's just anybody else on the planet, another person that someone hasn't cared enough about to handle properly with care.
Bitterly, a laugh flows out of her mouth in between the messy coughs and sobs and strangled cries. Because of course she hasn't been handled with care. Serena always did rip open the packaging, tear out the toys and once bored left them lying on the ground for somebody else to pick up and fix.
— - —
"I thought everything was good between us," Serena says, her voice losing all hope by the second. Because with Blair you'll never know.
Good, good? Blair wants to scream, because how dare she come into her house with her long legs and long hair and her perfect body and everything Blair doesn't have and say things are good? After what she did? Blair's hands clench into fists at her side, smirking ever so slightly at the girl in front of her who is nothing but a stranger to her now, not somebody she used to spend all her time with.
"That was before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend," Her voice breaks — all her emotions are laid out on the line right now but Serena is too fucking dumb to even comprehend the fact that she's breaking with each breath she takes.
It's all Serena's fault that their relationship has crumbled into a million pieces and all she sees in front of her are a million images from her childhood that later tonight she'll have to rip to shreds. Years worth of memories gone thanks to selfish Serena.
All she sees in front of her is a traitor, a vicious girl holding the weapon that caused Blair's scars. Funny, isn't it? Because a year ago the person standing in front of her was her closest confidant, her best friend, her sister, the one person she trusted more than anyone — but she broke all that trust. Blair can barely stand to look at her without feeling the burning of betrayal running through her body.
It would be hilarious how fast a relationship can crash and burn if it didn't hurt her heart so much. Because despite everything, despite the fact that seeing Serena only makes Blair want to hurt her — she just wants to go back in time, back to a time where she didn't want to hurt Serena.
But — they can't go back in time. Can't patch it all up with rosy smiles and watching Tiffany's. No amount of band aids could heal the wounds Serena has scrawled into Blair's skin. Both of them would be crazy to even try.
High heels hit hard against the floor. Barely thought out barbs are tossed Serena's way, anger welling up inside of Blair as the seconds drag on. It's easier to be angry now that the sadness has started to subside, easier with Serena standing in front of her, looking innocent and perfect and not even sorry at all.
Blair's hand remains pressed firmly against the railing as she glides up her staircase. Serena watches her, eyes longing and wanting and her heart filling up with guilt; the guilt she had pressed to the bottom of the ocean over nine months ago, but all that has come tumbling out into a big mess that Serena isn't prepared to clean up.
— - —
Blair watches Serena crash onto the grass by her own doing, watches her tumble across the ground; wishes nothing but for it to hurt more, a few grass stains and bruises are nothing compared to the bullet wounds and the scars she has scattered against her skin from her best friend forever.
As she watches Serena crash onto the grass, the worst thought plagues her mind: she doesn't want Serena to hurt at all, not really. It takes almost all of her strength to keep her arm by her side, her apology locked deep inside.
And then all of a sudden Blair's falling too, scrapping her knees and limbs mixing with Serena's and — hasn't Blair hurt enough already? Is she really selfish enough to want to hurt her more. This time Blair has no qualms about hurting Serena, this time it takes all her strength not to pull out her hair and push her against the ground, harder, rougher.
Except, Blair plays dirty; physically hurting Serena would be too fair, too nice. Especially since all Blair's bruises are metaphorical.
"So we've actually come to physical blows now? Truce?" Serena asks, and Blair has come to the conclusion that Serena really is insane.
Truce? Blair wants to throw out a bitter laugh and a harsh push. A few hits with a hockey stick (and ruining a future with a new boy who'll be gone in a week) is nothing compared to sleeping with your best friends boyfriend and then running away. Who does Serena think she is? Nine months ago she may of been in the running for holding the title of Queen, may of been able to have Blair's minions be her minions and yeah, maybe nine months ago everyone loved Serena a lot more than they loved Blair — but that was nine months ago. Time changes people. Experiences change people.
Blair cries out in pain, holding her leg. Serena deserves everything that comes to her. It's not going to be simple to patch over the holes that have grown in their relationship. Blair doubts they could ever be fixed, doesn't know if she wants to go shopping with Serena and talk about boys and clothes and dysfunctional families the way they used to.
"I hope it's broken," Serena spits out. Blair is amazed at how stupid and self centred one person could be. Watching her walk away Blair wonders why she ever came back, what could she possibly have left on the Upper East Side, in the whole of New York, other than enemies? Whatever the reason, Blair is going to find out and ruin Serena with it. Knowing her best friend, it's going to be nothing short of a spectacular disaster and knowing herself, it's going to be plastered all over Gossip Girl within the week.
It's enough when Blair says it's enough, and it certainly isn't enough, yet.
— - —
"No!" Serena shouts out in between giggles, kicking long legs up into the air. Her body is splayed out against Blair's bed, the pink hue of her dress matching the light pink silk of Blair's bedspread.
Blair frowns at her best friend in mock disappointment, but soon enough her lips are resembling more of a smile as Serena falls off of the bed.
"You're so dumb," Blair states, grinning at the lump on the floor. Serena flicks up her middle finger, a short fuck you exiting her mouth as she helps herself up off of the ground. Brunette counterpart laughing so hard that she might fall off of the bed herself. Serena takes a look at Blair, eyes crinkled up in delight, laughs spurting out of her mouth and thinks she never wants this feeling to fade, for either of them.
Crawling back onto the bed, she gives Blair a light shove before flopping back down onto her stomach and pointing at the screen in front of them.
"It's your favourite movie, pay attention." Serena orders, trying her best to sound cross but of one second of frowning, she soon dissolves into a mad fit of giggles again. Blair has that affect on her, all she has to do is look at her and she ends up laughing like a mad man. Inside jokes and memories floating to her mind every time she looks over her way.
"Are you saying you don't like it?" Blair gasps in faux horror, a hand covering her mouth as she shakes her head disapprovingly. Smile widening as the seconds tick by. Serena rolls her eyes, nodding her head, telling her she's afraid so. Before they know it both of them are laughing so much they can't keep up their act, unable to get their sentences out of their mouths.
"I love you!" Serena shouts at the top of her lungs, screaming it for all the world to hear. Blair cackles, crawling over towards her and placing her hand over her mouth to shut her up.
"Love you, too." Blair says back, quietly. Rolling her eyes, Serena shoves her off.
"Say it louder," She demands, hands on her hips as she stands up. Blair frowns, forehead crinkling.
"No."
"Do it," Serena teases, voice light and easy.
"Fine," Blair relents, although it wasn't much of a fight, or a struggle. Serena grins.
"I love you!" Blair shouts, the top of her lungs, screams. It's not as loud as she probably could go, not as loud as Serena was, but it proves everything Serena ever needs to know.
— - —
a/n: there was going to be more. trust me, it was going to be a nice and fleshed out one shot but i get lazy and impatient and wanted it to end on a nice note. anyway, bad blood gave me ~feelz~ (+ so did every other song on 1989 because come on when does taylor not make me emotional) and this was what i was inspired to write.