Why Can't I Stay?
POV: Jo Harvelle
RATING: T for mild language and a bit of blood.
(Jo's Final Thoughts Before Her Demise and A Small Rewrite. Please Review)
It felt like my entire body would cave in itself. That the burning agony would just take my under in that very moment. When I looked up, saw the faces of those I was about leave behind. It brought me that much closer, knowing that I would never see their faces again. I shift in pain as I hold my bleeding side, watching as the blood didn't cease. I don't regret a single moment. I had to save Dean, no matter how I did it. He was the key to this whole thing. He had to finish this. Not me. I cry out a bit as I look at the bombs rigged near me. I would let them go, watch as the fire swelled in the room and blew me away, along with those fucking hell hounds.
Dean approaches me, the detonator in his hand. The look on his face breaks my heart. He looks sad for once in his life. Dean wasn't the king of showing true emotion. As he slides the detonator in my head, he says something to me, but for some reason, I can't get myself to utter anything back to him. All I want to say is everything I've been dying to say for the past 4 years. How much he pisses me off to no end. Tell him how he makes my angry enough to throw things. How every time he opens his mouth, I tend to roll my eyes. Tell him how he makes my chest ache when I know he isn't around. Tell him that he means more to me than he'll ever know.
"Dean…" I whisper to him as I move closer to him. He stares at me, his eyes saddened and I know that it's all my fault. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, he knows that. My face crumbles as I finally let a bit of my emotions escape. Why not, I'm about to give up my life for this. He moves close to me as his lips descend against my forehead. My moist and clammy forehead. This is the worst day of my life. Will he ever really know how I feel.
"I…" I want to tell him how he makes my heart stop when he gives me that ridiculous smile. When he cracks one of his cheesy lines and it just makes me smile. I feel Dean pull away and look at me with those heart wrenching green eyes. Say something to me, please. His lips open to speak but I don't hear anything escape. My bloody hand reaches toward him, weakly as I touch that strong jaw of his.
"Jo I—" I know what he's trying to say. Even though he can't get it out, I know. I shake my head and lean toward him a bit. My breathing is erratic and shallow.
"Me too." Is all I can muster before he finally gives me what I've been praying for. His lips touch mine and I kiss him back, my thumb moving against his stumble covered jaw. His lips are warm against my chilled ones. He smells like he's always smelled. He pulls away from him and it's over way too fast. His hand smoothes my cheek as our foreheads rest together. It's a beautiful moment and I can die knowing that I mattered to him. When he tears away from me, I gasp for air. I don't want to say goodbye to him, or my mother, or Sam.
After it's all said and done, Sam and Dean leave my mother and I. Things start to get rather cold and I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I move close to my mother as she holds the detonator in her own hand. I curl up close to her, my chest slowing down. I feel cold, and tired. So very tired. I lean my head against my mother's shoulder and just stare at the door, waiting for the hounds to come. However, I feel too fatigued to go on. I know that the moment my eyes shut, I won't ever open them again. My life flashes before my eyes and I realized that I did a lot of good. That I wasn't a waste. A small smile forms before my face falls into a darkened look. I start to not be able to breathe anymore. I wish that Dean would just come back for one more moment. Actually say goodbye to me. But how fair would that be to him? He has enough to worry about. Then I close my eyes and I slowly stop breathing.
Peace.