It was a bright day for autumn. From atop a Bloodgood autumn tree, Natsume was looking over the ruckus. He was tensed too, but didn't want to join all those in the crowd at the secret gate to outside of the academy at the Hanahime den. But his feet were cold, both idiomatically and literally, and he felt butterflies in his stomach. He had never been this nervous for a long time, and the noise and the time was making him more uneasy.
Today was Mikan's coming back from her escape outside from the academy. That was the source of the ruckus of his classmates and all their friends. Today—the day Natsume had long been waiting for. The day has come, finally…after 4 long years of their separation.
He didn't imagine he would still feel this way. It's already been a week since Narumi told him that Mikan was coming back, and he thought he had already strengthened his resolve not to look all nervous and stupid by Mikan's arrival…but his true feelings are showing, and he had no capability this time to cover it up.
Then, one by one, the memories of those long four years was coming back to him. He couldn't imagine himself living through those lonely moments.
The night when it was settled that Mikan would be leaving with her mother, Yuka, to escape the clutches of the elementary school principal.
Natsume was looking up at Mikan's window from the small forest diagonal to their dorm. He knew Mikan was tired from the long flashback with Noda, and that she was also flooded with different emotions from all the revelations of his parents' past and the decision to go. Natsume had also his share of shocking revelations, but there was nothing more painful than when Mikan agreed to go away.
Natsume, while looking up Mikan's window, wanted so much to barge in there like before. He desperately wanted to see Mikan right now. It was only hours more before she was going to leave the academy. Before he would ever see her again.
Natsume curled his palm into a fist. What was he thinking? What would he do if he saw Mikan-- stop her? Tell her not to go? Make her confused and tired and hurt even more? He was being selfish, he was only thinking about his own feelings. He couldn't stop Mikan from going—because it would mean danger to her life and to the whole academy. He suddenly felt helpless.
He slowly turned his back and was just about to stride away from the dorms, deeper into the forest…when he heard a click from Mikan's window. When he turned to see, he saw Mikan—eyes filled with tears, looking at the spot where he is. It was as if she knew exactly what he was contemplating on doing and was waiting for him to do his move. Their eyes met. It sent unexplained waves of emotions into Natsume's chest.
Then he broke into a fast run towards Mikan's window and rapidly climbed the low tree and branch towards where her window and room was. Without bothering to catch his breath, as soon as he landed his feet on Mikan's room, he embraced her tight. So tight like it was his lifeline.
He felt Mikan do the same. This was different when he came to comfort her before when Tsubasa had gone missing. Natsume felt like they both were going to die if they pulled off from the embrace.
"N-Natsume…" Mikan whispered, still choking from her tears. She sounded so sad…it was tearing his heart apart. Everything happening was tearing his heart apart.
Mikan continued to cry during their embrace. Natsume fought hard not to cry, but hearing Mikan's sobs, and feeling so helpless at Mikan's leaving, he felt tears stung his eyes.
"Mikan…" was all he could say. He didn't know what to do. What he should do. His mind and his heart were struggling against each other. He wanted Mikan to stay so much, but would he dare risk the life of the girl he loves so much?
Mikan slowly released her arms around him and looked at his eyes. It showed extreme sadness.
"Natsume… Was I…wrong? Did my decision to leave the academy wrong…?"
He didn't know too. Of course he wanted her to stay, but with the elementary school principal hunting her…
"Mikan, I—"
"I feel so sad Natsume… I don't want to leave my friends and the academy…"
Natsume was about to touch her shoulder when she covered her face with her hands and broke into a sob, and helplessly sat beside her bed. Natsume's arm froze.
"I don't want to leave you too…" Mikan said, as soft as whisper, in between sobs.
But it was clearer than anything Natsume ever heard. She…was this sad…because she didn't want to leave him? Does that mean—
Natsume kneeled in front of her. He felt his heartbeat grow faster. "M-Mikan… What—"
Mikan tried hard to stop crying and looked at him after wiping her tear-stricken eyes.
"I don't think I can leave you. You had been fighting for me ever since, protecting me in every way you can… even if I didn't notice it or even if I wasn't thankful, you continued to look over me…" A faint blush was evident in Mikan's face. Natsume couldn't afford to talk, his heart pounding even faster.
"I don't want to leave… More importantly… because of you… Because I…. I…"
Natsume wasn't able to stop himself any longer. He felt it even if she didn't say it. He grabbed her and kissed her. Yes, he knew she loved him too, but hearing it from her made his world go crazy. And why in all of times should this happen…when she was about to disappear from his life shortly after?
When he was kissing her, he let all his feelings flow into the kiss. He wanted her to feel how much he had been in love with her for so long… how much he wanted to make her stay…how much she means to his once dark life. He felt Mikan's heart pounding hard against his chest…and felt the feelings she wanted to tell him.
When he pulled away, he saw Mikan's eyes shrouded with more pain than before.
"Maybe I shouldn't really go…" she said.
Natsume's jaw tightened. He had to make his logic work. He couldn't let emotion take over, because it would endanger Mikan's life if he persuaded her to stay. But… how could he tell her the exact opposite of what he wants? He fears the future where Mikan was not around, he knows how painful it will be without her beautiful smile and her eyes, and he knew he will be back again to his old dark world without her by his side.
Mikan got confused of his reaction. "Natsume…?"
He turned his back to her. Summoning all his resolve, he whispered, "You must…go…"
He heard Mikan gasp. Then a long awkward silence enveloped the room. Natsume was so afraid to face her. But, he then felt Mikan's embrace from behind.
"B-but… why…? Why do you want me….to go? I-I…. I don't understand. Why Natsume? You told me… you love me right? Then why…?"
She was misunderstanding it. He couldn't let that happen. His jaws tightened as he readied himself to tell her the truth, to tell her directly what he feels. To do something that he never thought he would be able to.
Natsume faced Mikan.
"Mikan… Please… Don't misunderstand. You must go… because your life will be in danger if you stay here, and I couldn't afford to let that happen… Even if its much more painful for me if you leave, I will bear it, I will try hard to bear it… I just don't want you to be in danger.."
"Natsume…"
"I don't know how much you know…how much you've felt…about my true feelings for you." Natsume wasn't able to control his tears. "But Mikan… I don't care how many painful things happen to me, or how many days I will spend thinking about what could've been if you stayed by my side… I don't care if I live forever in pain… As long as I know… that you're safe… That's all…that matters to me."
Mikan's eyes filled with tears with what he said. Natsume didn't know if he would ever get to say these again, but he spoke what his heart wanted to say.
Then Mikan forced a smile. It seemed idiotic, but he knew she understood what he wanted to say.
"Then don't worry, Natsume. I will always try hard to keep myself safe, and I will always look forward to the day that I'll be able to come back."
Natsume felt assured and a bit happy with what she said. With a little smile, he hugged Mikan and kissed her hair.
"I will always love you Mikan…" he whispered, savouring the last moments he has with the only girl he loved and cared for.
"I love you too Natsume…"
Natsume was suddenly pulled back from the past when a sudden, big, cool breeze passed and sway the tree branch he was sitting at. He looked at the crowd and sighed when saw that Mikan still hasn't arrived.
He breathed in and out deeply. Those memories of the night before Mikan's leave continued to haunt him for 4 years. Every time he felt lonely and in sorrow, he hanged to every detail of that night. All of Mikan's words were etched in his mind. It was enough to keep him sane from all the pains of waking up every day and going to his routine without the most important person in his everyday life. It was like the Earth was orbiting without the sun.
But during those 4 years, the cruelest times are the evenings. Every after classroom activities, he goes directly to his room, and the empty, desolate, lonely feeling sweeps over him again. Every night, he lies on his wide bed, feeling like he had been so tired and so hurt. And then all his memories of Mikan flood back into him.
But there was one special night, when he nearly lost all his strength and resolve to endure the pain of a world without Mikan.
It was 10 in the evening. He was still wide awake; he was still staggered that just after2 and a half years, he was beginning to forget the features of Mikan's face, her smile, her eyes. He remembered the feeling it brought him just by seeing it, but the actual features…
Natsume felt angry at himself. How could he forget someone who mattered more than his life? But more than that, he felt so afraid. What if Mikan wasn't able to get back in 10 years? Would he still remember? Would he be in love with a "phantom"—something not concrete in his mind?
Natsume curled into a ball. He shivered. He was afraid. So afraid. He didn't want that to happen. He will hold on, try his hard to make Mikan real even in his mind. He didn't want to forget her. She was his life.
Suddenly, he heard a vibrating sound coming from the wall of his bedroom. It was impossible that someone was doing something on the wall from other rooms because he was the only one in the special star corridor of the dormitories. His guard went up. Maybe some stupid threat from the elementary school principal or Persona was coming. It had been like that lately, when the mobilizations against the academy were getting stronger, and because he was actively involved in the resistance than in the outside operations.
The vibrating sound became louder and louder. He lit a ball of flame in his palm in case some nasty trick is going to be played at him.
But the vibrating sound went silent. And then the wall opened like some jelly-looking substance. And then someone tumbled into his room.
Natsume's conjured fireball went off. He was dazed at what he saw. If it was the nasty trick he has been readying for, then he knew he was caught unready and stupefied. But he didn't care. What mattered to him is what he was seeing, who was in front of him.
The one who tumbled into his room shook dirt from her clothes as she stood up. Her hair was a brunette's, a long straight brunette hair. And when she lifted her face to look at him, he knew. That face. Those eyes. That smile. Even with the different hairstyle, she somehow looked the same. Natsume realized that he had never forgotten. He will always treasure the memory of her.
"Natsume." She greeted.
Even her voice had the same ring in it, though a little deeper. Cause of puberty, maybe.
He watched her as she strode towards him. He was still in a daze.
"Hey.. are you alright? Sorry for barging in—"
Natsume covered the short distance between them and hugged Mikan tight. Yes, she was here. She was with him. She had come back. He didn't care how, why, how soon—he was overwhelmed with happiness that she was back…his life was back.
"Mikan… Mikan… You're here…"
"Natsume…"
"You're here… Now you're here…" Natsume said again and again, fearing she was some hallucination or dream.
"Yes…"
Natsume parted a little and looked at Mikan's eyes. He felt his dead and empty world become complete again. Then, he started remembering the hows and whys. Mikan, understanding his confusion, answered quickly.
"I used a teleportation Alice stone that mom inserted in my body. I had been convincing her for almost a year, then finally she said yes after tracking the movements of the elementary school principal and his guards. Seems like they were going on an important outside operation so the look out for mobilizations and on you was loose today."
"So you're… leaving again?" was all Natsume could say. He felt his chest tighten in pain.
Mikan looked away. "Im sorry Natsume… For making you suffer like this…"
Natsume caressed Mikan's face. "I… I wanted… to see you so bad… That now you're here, it feels like I can live again… But if you have to leave—"
Natsume stopped. 'Have to?' Then an idea dawned on him.
"You don't have to leave again, Mikan, you can stay now. The mobilizations are doing well, and the elementary school principal's guards aren't much a threat now since we're now covered by the middle school principal which is our ally. You can come back, now…"
Mikan didn't look excited as he would have expected her to. Instead, she looked hesitant. "I want that too…. But…"
Natsume felt a pang of fear. What if she doesn't want to go back here? After all it's safe and free outside, and she's with her mom. What if… she intends to say goodbye to him for good, that's why she came? Natsume's knees felt weak.
Before Mikan says anything, Natsume knelt before Mikan. He threw away all his pride to beg, he doesn't care anymore. He would rather die than lose Mikan forever.
"Mikan please… Don't tell me you're saying goodbye for good, that you don't want to come back here anymore, that you don't want to be with me anymore… Please… Don't do that… Please…"
"Natsume, wait—"
"Mikan I know its hard to throw away your safe and good life out there… But we're trying our best here to make the academy safe again, Im doing my best to make it safe again so that you'll come back… Please… Don't say that—"
The vibrating sound startled Natsume. When he looked up at Mikan, her appearance was starting to waver. She was being teleported back.
"No! Mikan—"
Mikan was looking confused and startled. When her appearance was growing fainter, Natsume tried to hold on to her hand but couldn't, and then suddenly a blast of white light occurred.
Knowing Mikan was already gone, Natsume helplessly sat on the floor and lowered his head on his knees. She was gone. Without even hearing what her answer would be, she was taken away. He threw away all of his vainful pride because Mikan was far more important, but now…. He felt like he was killed and he had merely seconds on this world. How could he continue on without Mikan in his life—forever without her?
Natsume wasn't able to refrain from crying. He felt so hurt and alone, so empty and helpless.
"Mikan… I love you, I love you so much… Why—"
Then a crashing weight from the front startled him. Then Natsume saw Mikan embracing him, she must've rushed on towards him. He was confused. Did she just—
"I love you too Natsume, I love you too…" she said as she continued hugging him.
So she heard him? So what happened when there was that blast of light--?
Then Natsume noticed some sores in Mikan's arm.
"What happened? Why do you have sores like this?"
Mikan parted from him and shook her shoulders. "I don't know, maybe when I suddenly nulled the teleportation back, the impact was stronger since I was halfway through. I thought I was lost forever in that dark space when I suddenly nulled in between the teleportation."
"You…what?"
"I nulled it because I wanted to stay a little bit more."
Natsume looked at her intently, asking her to explain. Mikan blushed and slightly looked away.
"Because… you were misunderstanding. I don't want to leave you like that, thinking that I don't want to be here or be with you anymore.. And when you knelt like that in front of me—"
Then she met his gaze, with a harder blush.
"I love you Natsume. I wouldn't wish to hurt you, and I would always want to be with you. But for now, I couldn't stay, not yet. My mom and the resistance has a carefully plotted plan that I know would work out, and I wouldn't want to waste their efforts and of course, the chance to come back here. I'm dying to be with you… but not yet Natsume. The time will come when the plan is carried out, and we would be able to live in peace…together…with everyone…"
"You mean…its not because you've chosen the life outside and—"
Mikan smiled her lovely smile. "I wouldn't like life without you. What goes for you goes for me too. In the past years I've been away, I've realized…how much life meant…when you're with me…" Then she blushed again.
Natsume hugged her in return. "I'm so relieved… I thought I was going to lose you for good… I was so …afraid.."
"Please don't think I would do that--"
The vibrating sound came again. Mikan should be going now.
"I'll be seeing you again!" Mikan shouted.
Natsume fell silent as he observed her being taken away. He was still afraid after all. He couldn't lie to himself that he didn't want her to stay now, because without her--
"Natsume I love you!"
"M-Mikan…" Natsume felt his heart wavering. He was going to be left alone all again. He was scared to lose Mikan.
"I love you so much!" Natsume shouted as the last of her appearance went out.
He was sure he caught Mikan crying while waving at him. He felt empty again. He let himself cry, let himself free of all his pain and fear.
"I will love you… till my last breath…" Natsume whispered, hoping Mikan would still hear it.
He realized that his feelings before was not as intense as it was right now—that his love for her would exceed limitations. Limitations like throwing his pride and everything away, just for her.
Then he was enveloped again by his dark and empty world. But for a change, instead of staying silent and lonely, he poured out all his emotions into his tears—which was something he didn't consider doing before he met Mikan.
"Hey there!"
Natsume was woken from his deep reminiscence. Who the hell would dare wake him—
When he looked down from the tree, he saw a brunette lady, who has tiny curls on the tip of her straight hair. The same beautiful smile was warming the breezy autumn day, the same eyes looked at him with the same delight, and the same face whom he had dreamt of every second in the past 4 years…
Natsume jumped off from the tree. The moment he saw her, his tension had burst like a bubble. Finally… she was going to stay with him forever. Finally…he would get to see her every day.
As he approached her, step by step, Natsume didn't take off his gaze on her. He longed for this day… He longed so much for this woman. Having her there erased all the pain he had experienced in the past 4 years.
When Natsume reached her, closer than mere inches apart, they held each other's gazes. Every little feeling was conveyed to each other, every little thing was said. He found his life and joy back from those eyes… and he felt all his feelings for her gush forward, overwhelming him, making him weak.
"Tadaima. (I'm home.)" Mikan said, smiling sweetly at Natsume.
With utmost happiness, Natsume held her hand tight. He wouldn't let go of this hand ever again. Like he said, until his last breath, he will love this woman.
"Okaeri. (Welcome home.)"