Disclaimer: I own nothing all Joss's stuff. Got to love the genius. Lyrics from various Buffy soundtracks and others, as they appear I'll let ye know.

Contents: Death, sex, blood. All the good stuff ;)

Setting: Just after Spike is souled, totally my view of an even darker route he could have gone down. No sign of the first yet.

He sat there in the dark; always in the dark; that was where he belonged. He deserved to see no one, he was a murderer and he must pay, so there he sat in the dark dank crypt, naked as the day he was born some 129 years before. He sat silently in the corner hugging his knees to his chest rocking slowly as the face of each of his many victims swam passed him. So many faces, so many screams that wouldn't let him sleep. He felt the demon stir within, it needed feeding but he couldn't bring himself to drink. So he sat there not daring to close his eyes, if he didn't close them he wouldn't see them, if only he could make them disappear. So many voices, so many accents and languages that screamed curses and pleas for mercy at him.

She found him there after hearing from Clem that he was back; that he was changed. She had to see this for herself. She wasn't angry at him anymore, how could she have stayed mad at him, he was evil he did what he did because he was evil. But she hated him for so nearly gaining her trust then breaking it in such a brutal manner. She sensed him before she saw him. His scent was so familiar to her now after years of stalking each other. Entering the crypt she was on guard, he would not surprise her. But as she went in she looked around, it was completely dark except for the faint glow of the cemetery lighting which flooded in once she opened the door.

"Spike?" she said cautiously moving further into the crypt. She heard a softly murmur from the corner and as her eyes grew accustomed to the lack of light she began to make out the cowering figure in the corner. His head shot up as he heard her approaching; looking at his face she dropped the stake. She fought the urge to rush to him to comfort him. He was crying what looked like tears of blood but as she came closer she saw that he wasn't crying; his eyes were gone.

"Spike, what- what happened?" her voice softer then even she expected. She sat in front of him and tried to take his hands away from his face to see the extent of the damage.

"Don't touch me; I'm not worthy." He said as he moved further along the wall until he was wedged into the corner. Clem was right he had changed; his body language, his voice had even changed. What had happened to him while he was away; this was not the Spike she had grown to love to hate. The one man who could make her so very angry and almost make her laugh at the same time.

"Let me decide that. First tell me what did this to you?" she said in a concerned whisper. He turned to face her, the sight of his eyeless sockets almost made Buffy cry, his beautiful blue eyes were gone. She would kill whatever did this to him; whoever reduced her cocky vampire to this would die.

"I had to make them stop. I didn't want to see them anymore. But even blind I see them. Make them go away; please make them go away. Why did he never say it was this hard?" Spike wept pleading with bleeding eyes.

"You, you did this. Who didn't mention how hard what was? Spike please talk to me." She pleaded any anger she felt towards him was now almost gone, she wanted to tell herself it was pity but it was genuine concern.

"Spike, Spike. That awful name. I wish he had died years ago." The blinded vampire said rambling, his voice broken with fear and pain.

"Spi…. William?" she asked softly saying his human name with ease. Again he turned to face her as she said that name.

"Angel should have warned me. He should have said that it was better to walk into the sunlight then live with it burning away inside me. I tried to cut it out but it is too deep. Buffy please make them stop." Then Buffy knew what he was saying.

"You got a soul?" she gasped rocking back on her heels.

"Kill me." He begged trying to stand. Buffy couldn't help but notice the deep cuts on his chest and the cross like burns on his arms and legs. What had he done to himself? Why had he gotten a soul? Walking slowly towards him she took his hand gently in hers but he snapped it back.

"I don't deserve to be touched, why won't they stop screaming? Can you hear them too? So many." He screamed into the darkness; curling into a ball again. She went to him slowly, her heart racing as she again went to touch him.

"How can you bear to look at me when I did; did such awful things to you?" he cried as he finally let her take his hand. His skin was so cold, but when he felt her touch it was as if he was on fire. She moved away for a second and he thought she was leaving. But then he felt the soft spun wool of her coat around his shoulders and then the sound of ripping fabric. Then he felt her softly dabbing the blood away from his face.

"I think Giles should take a look at you. Will you come with me?" she said softly, only now noticing the grey shade to his skin; he hadn't feed.

"No, I don't want help. I don't deserve help." He said in a hushed whisper.

"When did you last eat?" she asked softly continuing to wipe his face.

"I can't remember." He sighed as he felt his legs shake underneath him. Before he fell to the ground she caught him and helped him to the sewer entrance that would bring them back to the magic box. He wept on her shoulder tiny blood tears stained her bare shoulder, she held him closer to her trying not to notice that he was continually mumbling apologizes to her. His blinded eyes staring openly at nothing.

"I should never have come back. I never should have come back after what I did. But I thought you would kill me, make the pain go away. I was too much of a coward to just get a tan." 'get a tan' Buffy had to smile there had to be some of her old Spike still there. If he was she would find him.