I'M ONLY A HUMAN-CHAPTER ONE
«Adam why did you leave me alone?!»
Adam was there looking at me with tears in his beautiful blue eyes ,blue as the ocean behind him.
That blue seemed endless ,as the depth of Adam's eyes.
He looked at me with a sweet smile and a sad expression.
No answer.
«Adam! Holly shit why? Why have you forsaken me?»
At that moment i realized that i was crying Adam… *cries and sobs* «Adam.. please answer me NO NO don't jump ... NOOOO»
I'm standing here right now ,on the edge of the cliff.
The very cliff from which Adam had jumped to his death.
3.34am.
Sebastian woke up with tears in his eyes and a searing pain in his chest, his heart was beating wildly…the apartment was quiet, but it was a painful silence broken by the sound of the wind against the windows.
«it was just a dream »he wiped his tears with the handle of his pyjama «it was just a fucking dream ,yeah a dream about Adam's death, I miss you my best friend *sigh* I need to drink something.»
Sebastian got up from the bed, and lazily reached the kitchen; his apartment was much too big for one person.
The only problem is that before, Sebastian lived with his roommate Adam.
(Adam was Sebastian best friend since they were 7 ,but at the age of 20 years old he committed suicide.)
However, once he arrived in the kitchen he opened his red fridge, and pulled out a bottle of smooth vodka.
He made himself comfortable in a chair and started to drink directly from the bottle, he wanted to forget Adam for a night, but instead he began to remember the last few hours he spent with him before he committed suicide, because Adam wasn't only Sebastian best friend but he was also Sebastian first true love.
*flash back*
Adam was in their room writing something, when suddenly he heard Sebastian crying, he immediately jumped down the bed an ran towards their living room.
Once he arrived in the lounge, the scene that he saw was very unusual and rare: Sebastian was sitting on the couch with his huge green eyes filled with tears, they were focused on the tv.
Adam leaned with his back against the door frame and crossed arms on his chest, he was standing there watching Sebastian crying with an amused expression.
When Sebastian noticed his presence, Adam smiled and Sebastian gave him a look full of tears and he spread his arms… Adam knew he wanted a hug
«mmm Sebastian, let me guess, your watching Titanic and Leonardo Di Caprio just died, you're really adorable when you are moved and start crying for a love movie» to those words Sebastian wiped his tears with his palm and wore a puppy expression and said: «are you going to hug me or not ? Oh and if you don't hug me I'm not going to prepare lasagna for lunch» Adam laughed« loud you are not so tough as you pretend to all my dear Sebastian Smythe, anyway you know I'll always hug you ,every time you want» Adam walked over to the couch, Sebastian jumped off and hugged him, he sank his face into the crook of Adam's neck and whispered in Adams's ear« I love you.»
Adam broke away from the hug and took into his hands Sebastian's face, he passed his thumb on the cheek of Sebastian, (still a little wet because of the tears) he softly approached to his lips just parted and kissed him, Sebastian immediately opened his mouth letting Adam's tongue slip into his mouth, their tongues danced together , shyly at the beginning, but slowly they started kissing passionately .
Adam always loved the taste of Sebastian in his mouth: a mixture of bitter coffee, tobacco and liquor.
Adam was in love of Sebastian.
That kiss lasted minutes and minutes, they were never tired of each other.
Sebastian gently sucked the upper lip of Adam, he had a retro taste of honey,(obviously Sebastian knew that Adam likes eating honey directly from the bottle, especially in the morning for break-fast) a small moan came out from Adam's mouth.
At the sound of that moan Sebastian felt invaded by a warmth which ended on his growing erection.
They pulled away from the kiss both at the same time and looked each other in the eyes for a long time: Sebastian loved to be hypnotized by Adam's beautiful blue eyes.
«I love you too Sebastian whispered Adam»
«mmm I know hamster»
«oh no ,Sebastian Smythe don't you dare ever call me hamster again, understood? »Sebastian laughed and walked towards the kitchen screaming« to make my apologies, now I'll cook the lasagna so we can have lunch, surely you must be starving, oh and remember that Sebastian smythe never apologizes, but only because you're Adam, I'll make this exception»Adam laughed loud while he approached to the red fridge and began to pull out the ingredients, he loved that sweet and romantic side of Sebastian, that side that only Adam knew.
«oh I'm flattered, I notice with pleasure that every time after titanic, you become a sentimentalist, I think from now on we will see more often titanic my love»he said with an ironic tone, looking at all the ways to fight a laugh.
«mmm Lambert your words hurt me, do you think that I need a film to be romantic and treat you as the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me in my life? Because yes, you're the best thing that ever happened to me »Sebastian said, smiling to himself because of the words that he had spoken, he struggled to believe that they came out from his mouth, but he was happy, and had no reason not to be.
«am I really the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you? »asked Adam with a low voice, and tone mixed between sadness and happiness… Sebastian rested in the sink the dirty dishes , and turned his face to Adam,
(which was still standing near the fridge)he made him one of his most sincere smiles and replied «yes Adam»
Adam smiled, trying to fight the tears that were pressing against his beautiful blue eyes, fortunately Sebastian did not notice «thank you Sebastian.»
*End of flashback*
Once that the flashback ended, Sebastian opened his beautiful green eyes full of tears, he looked at the ceiling for a while, letting the tears slip down his face, three words echoed in his mind: thank you Sebastian.
Those three words were sharp blade that continued to reduce his heart into a thousand pieces.
Those three words blew up all the pain and anger that Sebastian kept in his chest: in prey to tears and memories that began to resurface he started screaming and threw the bottle of vodka against the wall, he did not care about of the people who lived in his same building, he did not care that it was night.
He rose from his chair and took a knife and his phone and ran to the bathroom.
Once he arrived in the bathroom, he turned on the light and sat on the floor in a corner .
At a distance of three years he was still suffering for the death of Adam, the pain grew every day more and more.
He picked up his phone and looked for Adam's number (after his death, Sebastian never had the courage to erase the number of Adam) and sent him a message as he did every night , when he was in the grip of tears and anger:
To Adam:
They say "follow your heart"
But how will I follow it
If my heart is with you.
And you're nothing but dead.
-S-
He didn't blink, his eyes wide open as he watched the warm liquid race down his arm, he didn't flinched when he felt the cold knife being pressed into his soft skin.
Even as the harsh contact broke trough the thin layers of his skin, he didn't stop.
*splat splat*
More blood oozed from his upper arm down to his finger tips, the sharp red contrasting darkly to the cream carpet under his toes.
Sebastian grit his teeth as he pressed the knife down harder.
Then he stopped.
He took again his phone in his hand, smearing the screen with blood, an then he opened Adam's chat:
To Adam:
I miss you. A lot, actually.
I'm lost because of you.
Suicide is also a murder, because you're killing those
who love you dearly.. like me.
-S-
The three words looped at the forefront of his mind.
He grit his teeth as he pressed again the knife down harder, the words continued to run through his mind, almost as if they wanted this reaction from him.
3 cuts, 5 cuts, 8 cuts, 10 cuts, the blood continued to scroll on his white pyjama, and the on the carpet. The pain became unbearable so Sebastian rested the knife on the carpet. Sebastian slid his hand full of blood in his beautiful hazel hair, colouring them with a dark red colour.
He then picked up his I-phone again and sent a text message to Adam:
To Adam:
I came to a decision: I can't live without you.
I love you Adam, I want you back, I miss your beautiful blue eyes.
I'm coming Adam. Soon or later I'll kiss you again. -S-
To Kurt:
I want to die.
-S-
*In the apartment of Kurt & Blaine*
It was 5. Am in the morning, Kurt and Blaine were sleeping hugging each other.
*bip bip bip*
«kurt..»
No answer
«Kurt.. Wake up» very lazily Kurt pulled away from Blaine and opened his big blue eyes and then he yawned
«mmm.. what's wrong?»he said
No answer, Blaine fell asleep while he was trying to wake up Kurt.
«Oh come on Blaine don't tell me that you were just dreaming… BLAINE »finally Blaine woke up suddenly«oh ehm yeah your I-phone was ringing »Kurt snorted and with an arm he grabbed his I-phone, which was placed on the bedside table, then he read the message:
From Sebastian:
I want to die.
Kurt opened wide his eyes and his mouth at the same time and without losing one more minute he jumped down from the bed .
«Kurt what the hell? Where are you going?»
«It's Sebastian , oh my god he is trying to commit suicide again, I'm taking your car »Kurt shouted.
After having worn his shoes he ran towards the living room and began to search for the car keys.
«Kurt I'm coming with you ,the car keys are in the kitchen on the table »answered Blaine.
Kurt grabbed the car keys, and took Sebastian house key (when Adam died, Kurt had been very close to Sebastian, and since Sebastian tried several times to commit suicide, Kurt decided to get a copy of Sebastian's apartment keys for the occasions as these)
To Sebastian:
Hey hold on, I am coming I'll be there in
5 minutes.
From Sebastian:
Hurry up, please.
«No Blaine you stay here, you know that Sebastian doesn't like you very much, don't wait for me bye»
«oh god,3 years since Adam died and he is still suffering?»
Kurt opened wide his mouth, he could not believe what Blaine just said.
«I can not believe what I just heard… I will pretend that you did not heard what you said, but let me tell you one thing Blaine, try to repeat again what you said and between us will end very bad, when I return will talk about this»
Kurt walked briskly towards the door.
«Kurt I'm s-»
*boom*
Kurt slammed the apartment door without letting Blaine end up his phrase.
He ran down the stairs and then out of the building, he ran towards the car.
He switched on the car and race towards Sebastian's building , fortunately the streets of New York were empty at 4.15am.
Kurt composed the number of Sebastian and called him:
«Sebastian it's me Kurt I'm on my way»
*sigh*
«please Sebastian I can hear you breathing answer me»
«I'm waiting for you Kurt *cries and sobs* please hurry up»
«Sebastian don't cry, I'm coming ok? You know that I'll always be there for you,ok?»
«thank you … Kurt? Why are they stars in my house»
The call dropped, Kurt feared the worst but fortunately he arrived under the building in which Sebastian lived.
He jumped down from the car, almost stumbled, without worrying to close the car he ran towards the building risking to be invested.
Once he arrived, Kurt went up to the third floor, pulled out the keys from his pocket and opened Sebastian's door.
The apartment was in the twilight, the only source of light came from the bathroom.
Kurt headed running to the bathroom, the scene that showed up in front of his eyes was scary: Sebastian passed out, he was surrounded by a puddle of blood, his hands were full of blood, and his pyjama was no longer white, but red.
The dry blood had compromised the colour of his here, they were covered with a dark red colour which tended towards black.
On Sebastian's left arm, they were clearly visible the cuts that he himself had procured with the knife lying on the ground ,close to the his body fainted.
Kurt took a took a towel an quickly he grabbed Sebastian's left arm and tried to stop the blood that continued to flow.
After several attempts he succeeded, he breathed a sigh of relief : Sebastian was safe.
Now he had to clean all the blood, but before he decided that he would take care of Sebastian and make him a hot bath: he picked Sebastian in his arms (still unconscious) and made him lie down on the bed.
Kurt returned to the bathroom and filled the bathtub with hot water and some liquid soap, then he took a clean towel and dipped a bit, then he walked towards Sebastian and sat next to him, with the wet towel he began to gently wipe Sebastian face, slowly Sebastian began to regain consciousness, once he opened his beautiful green eyes, still a little red because of the tears he paid, Kurt pulled another sigh of relief, finally Sebastian was looking at him and Kurt knew that he was recovering: «Kurt …'s you?» Kurt smiled softly, and took Sebastian between his arms bringing Sebastian's head to his chest (Kurt did not care that Sebastian was all covered with blood, and that means getting dirty too) with the other hand, Kurt stroked the cheek of Sebastian and with a low voice he answered: «hey…you finally woke up, it's me , mongoose»Sebastian laughed slightly «you saved me, again, did you see what a mess I made in the bathroom?»
Sebastian replied with a hint of irony, but then his smile faded leaving the space to a sad expression.
«I will continue to save you, always, yes I've noticed the "disaster" you've done, don't worry I'll clean everything»
Sebastian raised his arm and brought his hand on Kurt's cheek and with his thumb he stroked his cheekbone, and then he withdrew his hand, making it fall on the bed:
«you had a spot of blood on your cheek, I wanted to clean it for you, but I've soiled it more… I-I'm a d-disaster »Sebastian burst into tears .
Kurt smiled softly, trying to fight the tears that were pressing to get out of his beautiful blue eyes, he wanted to be strong for Sebastian; he shook Sebastian in a big hug, and whispered in his ears: «you're a beautiful disaster» he buried his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, and he stopped crying an inhaled the scent of Kurt that reminds him so much Adam, then he smiled sweetly.
«Sebastian now I'm going to take you a bath ok?»
«mm ok… I bet you can not wait to see me naked» they both laughed «oh I see that you're finally getting better, and in any case I don't want to see you naked dear Sebby»
Sebastian rotated his eyes «oh please do not call me "sebby" I prefer "mongoose"»
«ok mongoose, can you undress alone, or I must help you ?»
«I don't feel my legs, and my arms are hearting me»
Kurt rotated his eyes and then he smiled
«then I'll undress you, just relax»
On Sebastian's face appeared his usual grin.
«mm that sounds so erotic»
«Sebastian, never in your wildest dream, I just want to take care of you»
«I know Kurt, thank you»
Kurt slowly laid Sebastian on the bed, and then he began to unbutton his pyjama shirt.
He stood a little to observe Sebastian's sculpted abs, and had to admit that he was really beautiful, but after the death of Adam, Sebastian lost a lot of weight, but his beauty never disappeared.
«Kurt don't look at mi like this, I know that I'm in a bad condition»
«eh? Ah… ehm no it's that I noticed that you've lost a lot of weight during this years, we have to find a way to get u back some weight»
No reply.
Kurt went on slowly pulling away Sebastian pyjama , leaving him with his red boxer: he had some very long and skinny legs but they were beautiful, his skin was lightly tanned.
Kurt stopped contemplating his legs and picked and took him to the bathroom now «I'll put you in the tub filled with hot water, but keep the arm with the cuts off the water ok?»
«ok»
Kurt slid slowly Sebastian into the tub, once inside he made him rest his head on a pillow, which he had taken in the living room:
«is the water temperature ok or you want it warmer?»
Sebastian closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of pleasure: the water was perfect, he loved the way the hot water could calm him down.
«it's perfect, I feel much better»
«I'm happy, now relax, meanwhile I'll clean the blood on the floor, and then I'll come and wash you ok?»
Sebastian smiled «yes sir»
Kurt smiled at him, and walked towards the puddle of blood and with a cloth he began to clean.
In the meantime Sebastian was observing Kurt and began to think:- I wonder why he cares so much about me… I remember that I treated him badly when he attended the Dalton Academy… Adam you had reason, whit the time people change, maybe even I changed, or perhaps Kurt simply forgiven me… God, Adam I miss you so much, I wonder if you were thinking about me before you died, but do not worry for me, here with me there is Kurt, he takes care of me as you did, I think I like him… I mean he is always kind to me, look at him, he insists to clean everything to well, you know he reminds me you ,he is beautiful,he has two beautiful blue eyes, just like yours and… he is always here to save me… God, Adam you said that we would have remained forever together, you lied to me, we could have fight together, you knew you were not alone.-
«here is all clean»
«wow thanks, now could you wash me please? I'm tired»
«of course»
Kurt walked towards Sebastian and knelt in front of the bathtub , he brought his arm on Sebastian's back and made him sit; after taken the shampoo, he poured a bit in his hands, and gently began to wash Sebastian's hair, he rubbed his head thoroughly to remove the dry blood.
At the beginning his hair were hard because of the dry blood, but slowly they began to become soft; as soon as Sebastian felt Kurt's hands massaging his head, a weak but visible smile appeared on Sebastian's face, Kurt noticed and smiled back hey..« How do you feel? »asked Kurt
«much better, I think… »Kurt smiled, and took a sponge then he poured a bit of liquid soap and began to wash Sebastian's back, leaving his hair still full of foam, in the meantime Kurt started thinking:- Oh Adam, I miss you so much, you shouldn't have died, look in which conditions Sebastian reduced himself, I would pay anything to hear again his annoying and to see again one of his true and magnificent smile, but don't worry Adam, now I am here and I'll take care of him, I will do every thing in my best so that he returns the Sebastian that you and I knew.
«ok Seb, now I will rinse you, and then you should do me a favor and take off your boxer, so you can wear a couple of clean boxer, okay?»
«ok I have recovered a bit of force, I think I can help you»
«ok, and what about if before going to sleep, I prepare a cup of hot tea for you?»
«oh thank you Mr. Hummel it would be a pleasure»
Kurt rolled his eyes and began to rinse Sebastian, removing all the soap.
Once clean, Sebastian took of his dirty boxer, and gave them to Kurt, which put them in the dirty clothes.
After that Kurt took the robe and motioned for Sebastian to get out of the tube, Kurt turned back while Sebastian came out of the bath and put on the robe.
«can turn around? 've finished?»
«yeah I've done, Kurt help me I can't stand I feel weak»
Kurt immediately turned around and grabbed Sebastian that was about to fall, he was very weak because of all the blood he lostKurt passed Sebastian's arm on his neck, and whit his other arm he grabbed him by the hips and slowly brought him to the bedroom.
«here, lye down, I had to change the covers, the others were dirty and full of blood, and if you're wondering I also cleaned the kitchen, you know next time let me know when you want to smash bottles, I was going to cut myself»
«ops, I had forgotten»
«don't worry, now were these boxer, in the meantime I'll find a new pyjama for you and me, can you ?»
«yeah»
Kurt stood up and walked towards the closet, after having opened the closet he took the first 2 pyjamas
«can I turn around now?»
«yup»
Kurt walked towards Sebastian that had made himself comfortable on the bed, on the bed, he sat down next to him and began to stroke «Sebastian's hairs your hairs are still wet, if I don't wipe them you'll get sick»
Sebastian was staring at the empty, then he turned his face to Kurt for a better look and noticed that he had a beautiful skin white as milk, two red lips and two huge blue eyes.
Kurt smiled and began to dry with a towel Sebastian's hairs, then he helped Sebastian to get dressed.
«I'll go to prepare the tea now, wait for me here»
Kurt headed towards the kitchen and began to warm the water for the tea.
To Blaine:
Sebastian feels better.
From Blaine:
I'm happy. Listen Kurt I'm sorry for what I said
To Blaine:
We'll talk about that when I return.
Goodnight.
From Blaine:
Ok, Goodnight love
The tea was ready, Kurt poured it in a cup, and returned to Sebastian.
When he entered into the room Sebastian was already under the covers «Sebastian the tea is ready, do you still want it? »Sebastian sat down« of course I want it»
Kurt smiled and sat next to Sebastian and gave him the cup of tea.
«drink it all, it's good for your health»
The room felt silent, a very pleasant silence, which was broken by the throat of Sebastian who drank the tea.
«wow you're fast»
«I needed something warm, and by the way the taste was very nice»
Kurt retrieved the empty glass and set it down on the bedside table
«Kurt… c-can you please stay h-here and sleep with m-me? I don't want to be alone»
«Sebastian I'm not going to leave you alone, I will stay here… do you prefer that I sleep on the couch?»
«ehm no, stay here with me, please»
«of course»
Kurt slowly slid under the covers. And approached near to Sebastian.
«you… ehm want me to hug you?»asked Kurt a little embarrassed, he felt his cheeks going in fire and turn red, he gave himself mentally "stupid" for asking such thing to Sebastian« yes Kurt, please hug me»
Immediately he turned towards Sebastian and surrounded him with his arms squeezing him very strong to his body.
Sebastian brought his head on Kurt's chest, and he let himself be lulled by the heartbeat of Kurt.
«Sebastian?»
«mm?»
«promise me that from tomorrow onwards, you will stop "surviving" and begin to "live", promise me that you'll come back to be the Sebastian you were three years ago, I know that the death of Adam has caused a deep wound in your heart, I know it will be difficult and you know that I'll always be there to save you, but promise me that you'll take back the control on your life »Kurt heart was pounding wildly and he tried in every way to fight back his tears.
Sebastian smiled against Kurt chest, and Kurt noticed. Sebastian lifted his gaze to Kurt and looked into his eyes, he bought his hand to his cheek caressing it, and with the thumb he wiped away a tear that Kurt let out, Sebastian slowly approached and pressed his lips against Kurt's forehead: it was a very light kiss.
After that Sebastian looked into Kurt's eyes «I promise Kurt, but promise me that when I'll fall you'll always be there to catch me, and promise me that you'll never leave me alone»
«I promise Sebastian» he smiled and leaned back his head on the chest of Kurt.
«Goodnight Sebastian»
«Goodnight Kurt»
When Kurt fell asleep, Sebastian whispered in Kurt's ear:
«Thank you for everything, Kurt»
And then he fell asleep too.
(hy every one my name is helen and thsi is my first ff, it's kurtbastian( glee)
i'll try to post a new chapter every week,i hope you all like it,i don't know how it came so if you don't like it please tell me and i'll stop posting,tahnk you for reading, se you all next week with a new chapter)