Beauty and the Shrimp, a fullmetal alchemist fanfic

After three months of writing this, I'm finally finished...it's never taken me this long to write a oneshot. Enjoy.

I may add on more songs if I have time (I already thought of what I'd do for Be Our Guest).

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Beauty and the Beast.

Bold is author's notes.

Italics is singing.

"Belle" Parody: Ed

The sun was rising in the sky, lighting up a beautiful morning in Central. Flowers bloomed, clouds floated, and birds tweeted and chirped until they soared straight into windows.

In the midst of this, Ed stomped onward on the way to headquarters, a sour expression on his face and a book in his hands. He trotted up the steps of the command building and shook his head as memories of his last mission came to mind, as well as thoughts of what awaited him...

"Stupid place, such a huge annoyance

Every day, my style gets crimped

Stupid place, full of stupid people

Have to hear them say..."

"Hey, shrimp!" cried out one soldier who spotted Ed.

"Hey, shrimp!" said another.

"Hey, shrimp!"

BANG!

All the soldiers scattered in fear at the noise, but Ed's face brightened as he recognized the noise. There was only one person who'd fire a gun inside Central without consequence...

"There goes Miss Hawkeye with her gun like always

Oh man, that Colonel is so dead

He's an idiot to shirk

All his frickin' paperwork

But I guess that's nothing new-"

"Good morning, Ed!" Hawkeye called as Ed walked into the subordinates' area of Mustang's office.

"Morning, Lieutenant," he said back. The rest of the men gave him a glance of acknowledgement, but otherwise paid him no heed.

"Where are you heading?" she asked.

"To see the Colonel," he answered. His face darkened once more, and he scowled. "Al and I got ANOTHER false lead with red Kool-Aid and a possum chimera-"

"That's nice." Hawkeye glanced down at her watch and frowned. "COLONEL! THE PAPERWORK! DON'T MAKE ME EMASCULATE YOU!"

Ed shuffled towards the office door, though he seemed to be taking his time, dilly-dallying to gaze out the window and read portions of his book. Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman's eyes all followed his movement.

"Look, there he goes, that boy is such a rebel

A little anarchist in red!"

"Be prepared to fight a brawl-" sang Havoc.

"If you dare to call him small!" added Breda.

"What a strange enigma is Fullmetal Ed!"

Just then, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes sauntered in, his usual goofy grin gracing his face.

"Hello!" called Falman.

"Hi, sir!" cried Fuery. "How is your family?"

Hughes's grin widened.

"Check out this pic

My kid and wife!"

He shoved the picture right in Fuery's face with a dull smack.

Havoc placed his head in his arms and groaned. "I need caffeine!"

Breda shook his head despairingly and pointed to the mess that was once the coffee pot. "Machine is broken!"

"There must be more than this craptastic life!" cantered Ed.

Ed finally kicked the door to Mustang's inner sanctum open. The commanding officer in question glanced up, a smirk gracing his face. "Good morning, Fullmetal. I'm guessing the mission fell short of your expectations?"

"Gyah..." Ed gritted his teeth. That snarky jerk! "Shut up, you prick! I'm here to turn in the mission report."

He handed it off, and Mustang accepted it without a word. He himself was scribbling his signature desperately on every other form on his desk, determined to finish everything on time. "Gotten a lot of leads on the Stone since yesterday. How was Yous Well?"

If it was possible, Ed's grimace became nastier. "Ugh, don't mention that one."

Mustang glanced up and raised a skeptical eyebrow. "'That one'? But you've been there twice!"

"But it's a nightmare! Dangerous places, angry mobs, misused alchemy, douche bags in disguise-"

Mustang shrugged and raised one packet of papers towards his subordinate. "If you hate it that much, then this mission to there is yours."

Ed's jaw dropped and his face turned red. "But-"

"I insist!"

Ed clenched one fist and raised another hand to snatch the packet away from Mustang. "Screw you!" he bellowed furiously. "Screw you a thousand times over!" He marched back out into the hallways, a storm of anger and irritation, and shoved his face into his textbook again.

A couple of soldiers had gathered in the hallway to see the mysterious Fullmetal Alchemist. As he stamped off, they stared at his retreating back.

"Hey, there he goes, the puny alchemist brat

It's obvious he's not well-bred

With an angry, ticked-off look

And his nose stuck in a book

No denying his bad temperament, that Ed!"

Ed sat himself at a bench and perused his book for quite some time. Soon, Black Hayate sauntered towards Ed, and Ed lowered the book so the Shiba Inu puppy could bear witness to its awesome content.

"Oh, isn't this so awesome?

It's my favorite chapter 'cause, you see

Here's with covalent bonding

But they don't discuss the peptide bonds 'til chapter three!"

Hayate took a daring bite out of the page, and Ed lightly smacked the dog on the nose. After all, even if you were absolutely livid, you couldn't take your anger out on an innocent, cuddly puppy. He left the dog behind and walked on, still absorbed by the book. Ross and Brosh, noticing him passing, exchanged a knowing look. Ross was the first to speak up.

"Well, I've been seeing all his fan girls lately

They like to eye rape him, it's said!"

Brosh sighed mournfully.

"But despite his bishie face

He just doesn't know his place!"

Together, they finished,

"'Cause he acts like such an a-hole, Major Ed!"

In spite of the previous deaths of birds in this ridiculous parody, a few brave avian souls succeeded in entering the headquarters, flying through the courtyard without a care in the world...until a vicious-looking shadow with a crimson eye and sharp canines ripped one to shreds, scattering the rest.

One the ground, King Bradley, known to a select few as Wrath, gave his "son" a reproaching look. "Well, 'son,' you didn't have to go and do that, you know."

Selim Bradley, AKA Pride, scowled and shot his "father" a death glare consisting of a thousand metaphorical daggers. The old man faintly whimpered in terror. "Quiet, Wrath! Its singing was irritating me. Besides, we have greater matters at hand."

"I guess..." Wrath scratched the back of his head. "Well, not a sacrifice has escaped your notice yet."

"Indeed," Pride looked rather, err, proud of himself. He pointed a chubby finger at a blond teenager in a flashy red duster who was walking past, a book in his face. "and I have my sights on that midget."

Wrath blinked. "The Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"He's the one!" said Pride. "The lucky boy we're going to slaughter!" Unfortunately, Ed was not able to overhear these horrific plans.

"But he's-"

"The idiot who willingly performed human transmutation. That makes him the best. And doesn't Father deserve the best?" he challenged, almost begging Wrath to be a schmuck and take the bait.

Wrath did not fall for it. "Well, of course, I mean he does..."

Pride decided to be a hypocrite and sing like the irksome bird he had murdered just a minute or so earlier.

"Right from the moment that he met us, joined us

I figured out the path he'd tread

Though he may look like a squirt

His alchemy has its perks

So we're going to sacrifice him, little Ed!"

Deciding to get a better look at one of the future human sacrifices, Pride strode toward the kid, who, oddly enough, actually managed to have longer legs than someone, meaning that Pride had to increase his pace to a little gallop. A few of the female soldiers and secretaries gathered in the courtyard for a break smiled and gushed over the adorable child.

"Look there he goes

He's adorable

Selim Bradley

Just pinch his cheeks!"

Pride hissed in vexation, summoning a few shadows to scare off the women.

"What's that shadow

It's super creepy

Let's hide from it and try not to tremble!"

It became increasingly difficult for Pride to navigate his way through the crowd. Meanwhile, Ed was handling it like a professional, dodging the various men and women while still reading about ions and dynamic equilibrium, despite all the external noise.

"Yes, sir!"

"'Scuse me!"

"What's up?"

"Back off!"

"FOR GENERATIONS!"

"Don't touch me there!"

"Ice cream-"

"MY LEG!"

"One sec-"

"Pardon-"

"Don't taze me, bro!"

"I need to get through!"

"My eyes-"

"Your face-"

"they burn!"

"it's gross!"

"Miniskirt army!"

"What did you say?!"

"Don't shoot!"

"Oh, don't shoot!"

Ed raised his gaze to the sky and cried, "There must be more than this craptastic life!"

Pride mimicked Ed. "Just watch, we'll make Ed into a SACRIFICE!"

Now, for some reason or other, all the other soldiers and employees were singing about the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Look there he goes, that kid's a bit radical

Perhaps he's going off his meds

We consider it a sport

To cry out and call him short

'Cause he really is a huge hothead

A genius, but a huge hothead

That Ed!"

"Hey, shrimp!"

Ed whirled around in a huff, but everyone had gone back to their usual business.

This did not faze him.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FALLING ME AROUND ALL FREAKING DAY, SINGING LIKE LUNATICS AND CALLING ME SHORT AND ACTUALLY MAKING UP RHYMES ABOUT ME BEING SHORT, BUT YOU ALL NEED TO SHUT UP! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY TONE DEAF!"

And so he went to complain to Alphonse about his awful day.

Seriously, do you know how difficult it was just to find a word that rhymes with shrimp?

I feel like most of the soldiers who only hear of Ed's age and temper would assume a lot about him, even though much of it would be lies.

Equivalent Exchange: I worked on this project so you could get a song parody. How about a review in exchange? Ed would approve.