Title: Rum Runners!

Author: Rosie Rosen

Summary: Jack meets the Rum Runners. [Recommended reading for those who would like to purge the world of bad fanfiction.]

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Disney owns Pirates of the Caribbean and all its affiliates. I own the Rum Runners. Well, kind of. ^_^

** * **

Captain Jack Sparrow sat down, hard, on the sand of his lonely little island. He could just barely see the outline of a ship on the horizon. Coming his way. Coming to rescue him.

Jack bit his finger to keep from giggling. He was thirsty, and weak from hunger. He had been marooned for three days without food or water. His few possessions were useless here, since he had no intention of using the one shot in his pistol to kill himself and his sword was unusable without something to fight. He had, admittedly, stumbled around the night before with his compass, for no reason except that there might be a secret bridge of land leading to the Isla de Muerta, but once he got to the edge of the island and into waist-deep water, he gave up.

His giddiness could have signified that the ship headed towards his island was a hallucination. But what if it wasn't? What if there were women on board? Jack would have to clean up a bit! He stood up and brushed the sand off his bum.

There. Cleaned up.

** * **

It took about five minutes of Jack being very angry at himself and about one minute of Jack consoling himself after he learned there was rum hidden on this island. The rum runners had prodded Jack until he had woken from his starved stupor. Then, they had offered him rum. Wouldn't you know it, Jack had slept on top of the rum cellar last night completely unaware that it had been there?

After downing a bottle of rum with the rum runners, Jack held up his hand to quiet everyone around him. He opened his mouth, then shut it, and his eyes, as a wave of dizziness overtook him. He opened one eye cautiously, then, as he didn't feel quite so sick, opened the other.

"I…" The rum runners looked at Jack expectantly. "I gotta piss, mates." Jack shuffled drunkenly behind a palm tree to pee, and came back to the rum runners whispering amongst themselves.

"Should we take him?"

"We should leave him here."

"He should pay us for passage off."

"Fully willing, mate," Jack said, shuffling back into the circle. "I quite obviously have no treasure with me, but I am Captain Jack Sparrow! I have an entire isle of gold! If you would, kindly, drop me at Tortuga, I would gladly pay you in all the riches you could want." The rum runners narrowed their eyes and thought it over.

"Done." The head runner stepped forward to shake Jack's hand.

** * **

Jack waved good-bye to his friends, clutching a bottle of rum in one hand and his effects in the other. The rum runners waved back, watching as he disappeared into Tortuga.

"So, we should write a story about him."

"Yeah, he could, er… go looking for the ship that marooned him, but they're cursed!"

"Oooh, that's good. And there's this girl… who's in love with, um…"

"The son of one of his old crew members?"

"Oh, that's good!"

"Hmm… I just don't want her to be too much of a Mary-Sue, though, guys."

"That's okay, we'll just write her well. And put in lots of action."

"Maybe the captain of the cursed pirates likes apples… I mean, really likes apples!"

"No, that's crazy...why would he love apples?"

"Put it in, put it in... they'll believe anything we tell 'em if we write this well enough..."

"Gentlemen, once we sell this to some poor gullible theatre company, we'll be rich men."

"Richer than we'd get hoarding and illegally selling rum, anyway."

** * **

Author's Note: This fic was written, admittedly [and very quickly], so I could advertise the Rum Runners. It's a group made for PotC authors who are exceptional. These writers don't write Mary-Sues, know how to use grammar correctly, etc. Do you think you could be a Rum Runner? The best of the best? Elitist of the elite? Email me at rosieelise@yahoo.com OR go to . You can't join without approval, so don't forget to include your FF.net name when you apply. ^_^