Deirdra sat in the downstairs dining room staring blankly at the cooling cup of tea in her hands. So many have passed since she landed in this time and home. And so many years have passed since she fell for one John Bates and witness as his love with one Anna Smith bloomed.
It is after both supper for both upstairs and downstairs, Deirdra is waiting for Lady Sybil to call her up to tend to her hair.
"Are you alright Vivi?" A kind voice asked her.
Deirdra looked up to find said John Bates looking at her with a kind grin.
"I'm alright Mr. Bates," she said with a small smile, "Would you like to join me for tea?"
John nodded and took a seat as Deirdra did quick work of fetching the pot of tea she had made a bit earlier along with another cup and saucer.
"I know something's bothering you Vivi," John said as he seasoned his tea.
"Really John there's nothing wrong I promise," she said hoping she was convincing enough to deter him from this line of questioning.
Deirdra thanked God for listening to her silent prayer. Before John could ask anything else the bell calling her to Sybil's room rang.
"Enjoy the tea, I have to tend to Lady Sybil," she said secretly wanting to make a run for it before the world's weight sent her to the floor.
"We're not done talking about this," John called out to her.
She didn't respond as she made her way out.
Mrs. Hughes saw the tears shining in the girl's eyes and felt for the lass. Elsie knew that look well, and the feelings that were running through said young woman as well. In an uncharacteristic manner for her she, Mrs. Hughes made her way to her husbands office and closed the door. Without much warning, she wrapped her arms about his waist and leaned into his warmth.
"What's brought this on my dear?" He asked worriedly.
"Its Ms. Dawson," she said her voice thick with worry.
Mr. Carson nodded understanding his wife's sentiments as well as those of Miss. Dawson's. He could still feel the vestiges of fear at the news that his Elsie could have been diagnosed with cancer.
"There's nothing we can do," he said regretfully.
"I know that...doesn't stop me from wishing and hoping something could be done for the lass," she says and leans into his shoulder.
"I know my dear, I know," he said wistfully pressing a tender and love filled kiss on her forehead.
The couple spent a moment embracing before going their ways to see to their people before turning in.
Deirdra made it to Sybil and Tom's room before she burst into tears. Knocking on the door Tom holding a sleepy Sybie opened the door.
"Oh dear," he said and practically pulled her into the room.
"Sit at the vanity, Sybil will be out in a mo," he said kindly.
Deirdra nodded and opened her arms to three year old Sybie who was leaning for her.
Tom smiled knowing that if anyone could bring a smile out of a distraught Deirdra it would be baby Sybie. A few minutes passed as the trio waited on Sybil to come out and the three could not have been more grateful for the peace that was in the room at the moment.
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Tom asked Deirdra.
Deirdra shrugged, "Are you a magician?"
Tom gave her an understanding half smile and went to take Sybie from her when his wife came out of the bathroom.
"I'll take care of Sybie tonight," Tom said giving his wife a kiss.
Sybil saw the look on Deirdra and knew her dear friend was ready to break. Sybil leaned in to give Sybie her goodnight kiss then made her way to Deirdra as Tom went to the separate bed in the bedroom.
"Deirdra," Sybil said softly.
Deirdra looked up and let the tears fall as she sobbed, "I can't keep on doing this anymore."
Sybil leaned in and hugged her friend to her as she cried onto her shoulder.
She let Deirdra cry and let everything she had on out knowing heartache to be a very nasty and cruel thing and not knowing what else to do or say to make her friend feel better.
When Deirdra calmed down, she stood and let Sybil take the chair and started on brushing her hair out.
"Will you ever tell him?" Sybil asked.
"No," Deirdra said softly, "I can't without breaking Anna's heart and I won't do that."
Sybil hummed and both women quieted and fell into the familiar rhythm of the routine.
Her sleeping braid done, Sybil stood and said, "Everything will turn out alright...you'll see."
Deirdra smiled at Sybil and gave a small half hearted smile.
Tom came out and the three said their good nights.
Deirdra made her way down stairs making a bee line to her room. Luck must've run out for her because she could run behind the safety of her door she heard, "Please tell me what's wrong."
Turning around, Deidra was met with the worry filled eyes of one John Bates.
"I told you earlier John its nothing," she said and went to open her door.
"You've been crying," he said as he stepped closer ever so slightly.
Deirdra ran a finger over an eye subconsciously.
"Please," he said pleadingly.
Deidra sighed and nodded John to the table again.
"Let me tell you a story," she said after they'd taken a seat, "There was a young woman and she met this man. Lovely man, good head on his shoulders as well as a good heart. And she...she fell madly in love with him."
"But he didn't?" John asked.
She shook her head, "Her best friend met him a couple of days before she did. So while their relationship grew, the young woman had to deal with her feelings for the man," she stopped to take a deep breath, "She loved him...so very much and so deeply. And while he did care about her it was not in the way she wished he cared about her. But even if she was a selfish woman, the young woman could never hurt her best friend or her love. She considered leaving so that the couple could have time for themselves but was stopped when her friend asked her to be her maid of honor for their wedding."
"What was his name? The man you fell for," John asked.
Deidra stared at his honest face and said, "Sam. His name's Sam."
John knew she was lying about the identity of the man but let it go. Standing he offered his hand to help her up.
Deidra took it ignoring the warmth that spread up her arm.
"I'll walk you to your room," he said softly.
Deirdra nodded and walked beside him to her room.
"Here we are," John said kindly.
Deirdra nodded with a grin, "Good night John."
"Good night," he said with a grin.
Deirdra entered her room and sank to the floor and as soon as she heard the tall tale sound of his cane disappear Deirdra pulled her knees close to her chest to try and stem the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.
Deirdra did not sleep a wink that night. She saw the sky start to lighten and went about her regular morning routine and taking a shawl out decided to see the sunrise. She breathed in the clean morning air and waited letting the chill attach itself to her bone. With the sun now in the sky, Deirdra made her way back to Downton and to the kitchens to help Mrs. Patmore with laying out breakfast for the downstairs staff.
"There's no need or ya to do that," the plump woman said kindly.
Deirdra nodded with a grin and took the plates out anyway.
Food served the staff came in and took their seats and started eating. John came to sit beside her with Anna on her other side which was an odd change considering the two are as thick as thieves. Deirdra ignored all attempts at conversation and went about her breakfast and morning as swiftly as she could pissing on all that kept her from falling asleep.
John and Anna noticed this and spoke to Mrs. Hughes about it. In turn Mrs. Hughes pushed Deirdra to bed telling her that she would take care of Lady Sybil for the day. Deirdra stubborn as a mule worked to avoid John and Anna at all costs and had believed she was succeeding until Anna cornered her about to get in bed.
"I was wondering..." Anna began, "I sorry to bother you for starters but I was wondering if you would be my bride's maid."
Deirdra's heart finished breaking at the question and found herself feeling oddly cold.
"Vivi are alright you look a bit pale," Anna said approaching her, "Do you need the doctor?"
Deirdra shook her head and said, "No, just rest. Must be the chill from this morning."
Anna nodded and left letting her rest.
Deirdra forced herself to fall asleep and hoped she would never wake up. As dramatic as it sounded she didn't think she could pretend anymore.
When she woke up it was to the sound of "Harry Potter" playing on her speakers and the steady beeping of the heart monitor.
She moaned and was met with a warm voice saying, "Lay back I'll go get the doctor."
"Ms. Dawson can you hear me? My name is Dr. Bloom," Dr. Bloom said as her head cleared up.
Deirdra nodded along with the doctor's questions and was left to rest.
The following morning, she was met by a pair of warm brown eyes and a kind smile.
"Glad to see you're alright Vivi," he said warmly.
'John...' she thought to herself. But it couldn't be.
"Anna's down the hall," he said, "Would you like to see her?"
'No please God not,' she thought.
"Not right now I'm still feeling a bit tired," she said quietly.
John nodded and sat back down on the chair next to the bed.
"You could go on home with her..." she said certain that he wanted to be with Anna. And if this was an illusion then she'd play along with it as she had at Downton.
'John' smiled at her and took her hand in his he said, "Sleep."
And so she did.
When she woke it was to find her sleeping sister Jules and mother Sarah by her. Bed and Downton Abbey in the hospital T.V. just when John and Anna marry. Deirdra looked away from the scene wanting to leave all she had experienced behind her. After all...Mr. John Bates does not exist.