Disclaimer: How I wish the boys were mine. But nope, they belong to someone else.
A huge thanks to my beta Darkflame's Pyre for checking this story for me..
Do you know what it's like when you're scared to see yourself, but when you do look, not really seeing everything you know should be there?
Do you know what it's like when, you wish you were someone else? Who doesn't need another person's help to get by; something I've had to get used to since my sight started to get worse a year or so ago.
Do you know what it's like, to want to surrender? To just throw your hands up into the air and let the darkness take you? I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow, I don't wanna live like this today! I just want everything to go away.
Make me feel better! I wanna feel better! I just want to have everything like it had been before.
It's hard not to go insane sometimes. I always tell myself to stay strong and to never surrender!
Do you now what it's like when you're not who you wanna be? I wanted to be a rescuer until I grew old but, now that dream has been cut short. Do you know what it's like to be your own worst enemy? Who sees the things in me I can't hide; who sees me slip and slide, going up and down a emotional roller coaster?
Do you know what it's like, to wanna give up?
Today I see a flash, tomorrow I'll see a twist. Then out of the blue I'll have to catch myself before I end up walking face first into a wall or door, seeing it fade into mist or having a white gate appear out of nowhere. I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow, I don't wanna live like this today! I just want someone to make me feel better! To let me know that I'm not alone.
The doctors tell me to wait, to keep on using my medication, that researchers are getting closer to finding a solution to my problem. I just want them to put me back together! To make this confusing light-show or what ever it's called, stop.
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow, damn it don't they understand? I don't wanna live like this today! TV stage they say, my eyes are messing around with me. One moment they're fine and then, then my eyes, they'll start all over again.
To make me feel better the doctor said, "'TV stage' to put it as such, means that more connections between your eyes and brain has been lost. This is why you're picking up vibrations, coloured flashes which shouldn't be there, twisting and blurring. Oh, and that's why it feels like you're seeing the world through water."
I need to feel better! I need to know when this will all end, when will they finally give me the solution to this madness?
I want them to put me back together! I want them to know that this can't go on forever. I haven't gathered enough courage to ask the doctors how long this will last or how long it's going to take before I either go blind or lose my sanity.
But I swear, that as long as I'm able to hold on, I'll never surrender!