Our ever-stumbling Bella tripped over a ladybug, collapsed onto the forest floor and proceeded to moan and cry pathetic Bella tears into the ground.
"I can't wait to become an ultra-sexy vampire who has a never ending sex-drive!" she groaned into the soil that her ugly face was now plastered to. "I could have never ending sex with Edward! Oh, Edward! If only you knew how much I wanted your log of a penis inside my juicy, smelly vagina!"
She continued to speak into the dirt and caught a worm in her mouth. She screamed and stood up, pulling the oozing worm from her mouth and crying. Would she die? Oh my god! OH MY GOD!
She started to run away, hitting trees often and thinking of having sex parties with Alice, Jasper, and Edward. Perhaps Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett too, but never Rosalie: stupid bitch. Bella wished Caius would just rip Rosalie apart from the inside out. He'd reach up inside her vagina and rip past the reproductive organs and into her stomach, where he would then carve all her innards out, splaying her vampire venom all over him.
Speaking of Caius!
While Bella recovered from her latest impact with a tree trunk, Caius magically appeared before her, grinning like a maniac.
"Hello, Bella." He whispered.
Bella straightened herself and pushed up her non-existent breasts. She was aroused by his papery vampire flesh.
"Hey, Caius, you sexy beast; it's been a while." Bella replied, smiling seductively.
"I came to show you something" Caius said as he moved toward her, a smile slowly spreading across his leathery features. His clothes whispered in the slight breeze revealing underoos and- A MACHETTE?!
"Caiu-" Bella began, but before she could continue a mysterious woman burst through the trees wearing a dress that looked like it came from sometime in the 1600s.
The strange woman faltered for a moment before looking Bella straight in the face and yelling in a voice that sounded like a cross between Janis Joplin and a wombat: "YOU WHORE!"